Aswad
Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Baroana
As far as non-bedroom stuff goes, I have said it before and I'll say it again. My personal belief is that children should not be exposed to either male domination or female domination. I think it is undue influence on their impressionable and immature minds.
I've contradicted it before and I'll contradict it again. 
My personal belief is that children aren't as hung up on these things as us adults, and benefit from seeing humans interacting in the manner that comes naturally to us, although as with anything else concerning kids, it places upon us all the burden of being exemplary in how we behave, so that the examples we set are clear and easy to sort for them. Letting them sense secrecy and shame does not strike me as being in any way constructive or a positive influence on their indeed quite impressionable and immature minds.
By our very being, we provide role models, and it is courteous of us- as well as mindful of future generations- to be the kind of adults we want to see in the world. Parents must, of course, decide whether or not to direct a child in a specific direction, and I believe it would be a poor choice of a parent to direct a child in the direction of a particular power dynamic expectation. For the rest of us, we must be aware of how we will influence tolerance and the ability to comprehend human behavior. If I believed my lifestyle choices were wrong, I would not pursue them, and certainly not expose a child to it, any more than any other bad habit. But I do not view my choices as wrong, or as bad habits. Nor do I ascribe myself some sort of autocloning power whereby any child that sees me will automatically emulate my behavior in full.
Without influences, a child becomes feral. Period.
What we call a human is the sum total of influences. I consider myself human, and thus an adequate role model as-is. Not necessarily a good choice for a primary role model, but certainly not someone that needs to curb every behavior in order to avoid "tainting" children with my poor character. Someone involved in base jumping may not be an ideal role model, but I'm inclined to think there's no problem so long as this person is able to adequately put their behavior into a context the child can understand and relate to, or if the parent can. I'm not in the habit of hiding my inclinations from anyone of any age, nor push myself in other's faces.
I have a cat. I do martial arts. I read a lot. I eat meat.
All of these are things about me that people either accept or not.
I make accomodations, though. If a vegan is to visit my home, I will not serve meat based dishes as a rule. That's just common courtesy. I also do not expect to be berated for eating meat, although I'm happy to debate the ethics thereof. If I'm throwing a party, I am happy to arrange for vegan dishes to be available, but I'm going to find a suitable compromise for everyone in attendance, insofar as I'm able.
What I will not do, is pretend to be vegan, children or no children.
If they want to hide the practice of eating meat from their kids, they must do it the hard way: by keeping their kids away from places where they might be exposed to the practice. I'm also not going to lie to the kids about my views on eating meat or the nutritional adequacy and cost of veganism, at least not for an extended period of time (I try to be flexible, same as anyone else).
This same thing goes for power dynamics.
If people want their kids around me (and I make no attempt to hide my disposition from the adults, so it's not going to be a secret they don't know to take into consideration), then those kids are going to see me playing with the cat, reading books, working out, eating meat and assuming a dominant role. They'll see me extra attentive to treating the cat correctly and taking the responsibilities that come with a cat even more seriously than I normally would. They'll see me using bookmarks instead of putting the book down so it can get folded. They'll see me easing into the workout and being careful about proper technique. They might hear something about never wasting meat because some animal was killed to obtain it. And they'll see me being careful to take into account the needs of anyone in a submissive role and generally behave in a responsible, model fashion.
If the kids have question, I have a rule of thumb that has been phrased in various ways by minds far brighter than mine: if you can't adequately explain the basics what you're doing to an average ten year old, then you don't have a sufficient grasp of it yourself. I've no problem explaining what I do in a way that is satisfactory, and to explain the limits of my understanding. This goes for having a cat, my fondness for books, training martial arts, eating meat and engaging in power dynamics in a conscious manner. Simply put, if parents want their children to be ignorant of a topic, it is usually not a good idea to leave the kids around me, because I strive not to be ignorant and to not leave others around me ignorant, either. Ignorance may be bliss. If so, I'm not a bliss pusher.
Some parents think boys shouldn't cry. Some parents think boys should cry as much as possible. I'm not on board with either agenda, but I'm happy to leave it at "you'll have to ask your parents about that, because they want to explain it themselves". That said, I usually don't cry. If I'm moved in that direction, I usually take the requisite pauses in my speech to reign it in, or take a walk to cool off if it's bad and I think it's an inappropriate time to display such strong emotion. I will not, however, insist on never shedding tears. I openly let myself cry when I visit my mother's grave, for instance. Or when I listen to a particularly poignant piece of music. Or whatever other occasion I think is an appropriate time to indulge in the fullness of the relevant emotions. And I'll be happy to explain to any child that wonders why I'm crying, or why I'm not crying, precisely why it is so. If parents want something other than that, they have to tell me, and make a compelling reason why I shouldn't just say "no, I won't do that; this is how I am, take it or leave it."
My role in raising your kids is- unless you say otherwise- limited to being part of the world they're learning to live in, and making some allowances for their screwups in that process.
To tie this back into the topic at hand (although it's not quite off topic), I've never tried to hide anything from my family, either. For the most part, I don't think my family is particularly aware of the details of our dynamic, as it doesn't really matter all that much to them in general. We haven't spent enough time together for it to become an issue. If it pops up, it pops up. I think some of our friends have the wrong idea, mostly as a function of not having an understanding of what the dynamic involves, but they spend more time with the two of us, so they do know more. I also know some of our friends have a very accurate idea of what goes on in our relationship.
The bedroom is a different matter, but also not what the OP was asking about.
I've found that being myself can be a rather addictively positive thing, and that it's something most people respond quite well to, even if some few will take a while to get used to it. I'm able to put on a mask, of course, but I've rarely found that it nets me anything I want in the long run. People that can't deal with who and what I am are rarely worth keeping around, and even more rarely worth actually hiding who and what I am for. Similarly, people that blow you off without bothering to understand just take up time and space in my social life that could be better spent on more worthwhile people. I'm not generally hard to reach an accomodation with.
In the workplace, I'm usually hired to fill a rather specific role, and I'm comfortable with that. I'm also comfortable with being open with my colleagues about anything relating to my lifestyle, except for the things I myself prefer to keep private, but I've not had a very overt M/s relationship coinciding with a job that requires actively socializing together with one's life partner(s). I'm thinking that might turn out more challenging.
IWYW,
— Aswad.
_____________________________
"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.
|
RE: D/s, M/s, and Family?? - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread