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The difference between dominating a male & female submi... - 9/30/2012 5:06:06 PM   
softscreams


Posts: 36
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		I was trying to explain to a male dom that there is a difference in dominating a male submissive versus a female submissive. He had read a book on the lifestyle. It was written by a gay man who's only expierience was with other males and he wanted to use what he read in the book on a female submissive. I tried to explain to him that there is a huge difference for me when dominating a female submissive versus dominating a male submissive and that the book was really not the best one for him to read. Needless to say the neophyte didn't listen to a word I said... and had he I think he wouldn't be having the problems he's having now with his submissive...but I am curious to hear others input or expierience with the differences they find with dominating a female submissive versus dominating a male submissive...xoxo
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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:09:04 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		In my experience, I have found very little difference between dominating a male vs. dominating a female. All the difference comes from individual personalities. Otherwise, it's just not that different for me.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:10:25 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Submissives are a kind of people. But people in general are slightly more defined by their gender imperatives and masculine/feminine sensibilities than any single trait such as sub or Dom or extrovert or introvert.

I agree with you, that it takes different strokes to take care of a male sub than a female sub, although I think really it should be that it takes different strokes to take on each different individual sub, period.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:16:25 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I grew up with the leathermen in the 70s. Went hetro by educated choice and I don't see much difference between male and female slaves so much. I do see a difference between the gays BDSM and the hetros' in general. Gays seem a little less fluffy and had more of military approach . . . more rank order and respect. I got on great with ex military fems but clash horribly with the horny housewife bedroom only submissive stereotype that has read way too many erotic novels.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:17:13 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I learned a lot from the gay male leather literature and lifestyle. Men and women are different creatures, they form relationships differently. There isnt a cookiecutter approach that works with everyone.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:21:10 PM   
softscreams


Posts: 36
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		Ok I am curious about how it isn't different for some.. I've always found female submissives to be much more emotional, and that I have to take a more gentle approach and the males to be more physical and need less affection than the female submissives...not that they don't need it they just don't seem to need it as much as a female submissive does...

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:23:42 PM   
softscreams


Posts: 36
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Status: offline 		and I definetly agree with an individual approach...

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:24:36 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
I learned a lot from the gay male leather literature and lifestyle. Men and women are different creatures, they form relationships differently. There isnt a cookiecutter approach that works with everyone.

If you took my current slave and threw her into a gay leatherman's military style house, she would fair very well. I know every relationship has its own particular variables and styles, but in general, I believe a well trained slave can adapt and mesh well with most experienced Masters/Mistresses. Rule 1 is if you don't know, ask how to do something. Then the particulars, the individual styles and nuances don't matter. The slave politely learns as she goes along. Not cookiecutter but adaptive.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:26:47 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		RS, I think you and I have the name deinitions of "slave" and "submissive". I do agree that a slave can fit in anyplace rgeardless of gender. I don't think most s types are slaves, though.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:29:30 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		^ I agree with your observation. And my comments probably don't apply well to most submissives.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:30:51 PM   
softscreams


Posts: 36
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		So not that there isn't a difference.. just that they can adapt to any style of dominance...That makes sense..

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:35:21 PM   
softscreams


Posts: 36
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Status: offline 		yes and I agree too slaves are definetly more the adaptive type versus submissives...

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:38:13 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

^ I agree with your observation. And my comments probably don't apply well to most submissives.


It's been my experience that most people in the scene are situational submissives, by which I mean they have very distinct notions of what their submission is, and what people will elicit it. THAT IS NOT A VALUE JUDGMENT, just reporting how I see it. From that angle, I see men and women as having very different sets of needs, and the paths to those ends might not be the same.

I know we've had these discussions before...I wish I were better with links...

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 5:49:13 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		In my case, I'm rather fond of using the Myers-Briggs personality indicator to gain insight into how a potential s-type thinks and might react to various situations. I've found far more differences between the MBPTI types than between male/female. Using an example from an earlier post, I haven't found male s-types to need fewer demonstrations of affection. Far from it. (You have never seen a guy as clingy as my ex. Seriously.) If anything, the women I've been with have needed less, but that may be because our communication styles were similar. Overall, I have found that the amount and type of demonstration needed by s-types to be more dependent on the individual personality types than whether they were male or female.

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Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 9/30/2012 7:45:09 PM   
softscreams


Posts: 36
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for sharing... I'm really just curious about different opinions and experiences on the topic... because my experiences have been so consistant with there being diffrences... xoxo

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 10/1/2012 3:03:13 AM   
areallivehuman


Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		OP, could you tell us, what actions from this book would you have told him to avoid using on a female?

And what problem is he having, that you see was caused by these actions?

Just curious.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 10/1/2012 6:28:39 AM   
hellioncheriecpl


Posts: 21
Joined: 9/27/2012
Status: offline 		It depends on the person - there could be a different, there could NOT be a difference. It depends on the person who is a submissive.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 10/1/2012 6:44:12 AM   
alildifferent


Posts: 38
Joined: 9/30/2012
Status: offline 		Having spent time in shoes of both sexes I'd say there are definite differences. The needs and wants of both are different. Pre-hormone I was most definitely a sexually geared creature as was said of most males earlier. After hormones I find the sexual part not nearly as important. It's the sensual that's attractive now. My body and skin seem for alive than ever now. I would for instance be as turned on by slowly dragging a feather up from my knee to inner thigh as any touching sexual parts. Prior to my skin becoming thinner and more sensitive I probably would have thought "Was that supposed to do something for me?". Also now that my strength has fallen to a female around my age I find myself more cautious, timid, and sometimes even frightened by some men. It sometimes adds an aura of fear and excitement knowing that I can probably be taken against my will.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 10/1/2012 7:54:44 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
^ I agree with your observation. And my comments probably don't apply well to most submissives.


It's been my experience that most people in the scene are situational submissives, by which I mean they have very distinct notions of what their submission is, and what people will elicit it. THAT IS NOT A VALUE JUDGMENT, just reporting how I see it. From that angle, I see men and women as having very different sets of needs, and the paths to those ends might not be the same.

I know we've had these discussions before...I wish I were better with links...

I have witnessed these stereotypes and even co-Topped a few for fun with fellow Dommes and their clients. However, I do not have enough experience with them to perceive a different set of needs for females and males. Therefore, my earlier reply about slaves and how service is not gender specific (by my experience), is invalid to the OP's question about submissives. -My bad.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 10/1/2012 8:11:20 AM >

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-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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RE: The difference between dominating a male & female s... - 10/1/2012 8:14:56 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		RS's spin on my words is the Cynical Version!! There is nothing wrong with "bedroom bottoms", I love kinky play that doesn't involve complex power exchange as long as it is clear from the outset what's going on. Because Auntie is not a service top, though she is of course Fluffy, and Silky Soft!

What I was going at was someone like... Lizi, or the Bunny, or Des. Fabulous women who know their own minds, and chose who they wanted to submit to (and in Bunny's case, be owned by). They both manage just fine NOT being in a submissive role, but it's what they want, and they selected for what they wanted mutually, rather than YOU DOM ME SUB.

There are only 45.72 male submissives in the universe at any given time, so I won't presume to speak for them.



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