RE: First Contact

RE: First Contact (Full Version)

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SylvereApLeanan -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 8:43:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: msub1000 But i feel like a sub by nature is shy and would have a hard time reaching out Hardly. I met my last three play partners here and I'm working on number 4. All but one of them contacted me first. The other one I knew from the message boards. Why should a sub be shy unless s/he leads with kink? The guy I'm chatting with now contacted me first and didn't even mention kink in the initial email. We talked about our mutual love of RPGs and Renaissance festivals. I never pursue. Like LP said, "it" comes to me on its own. I don't need to hunt for it.

msub1000 -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 8:44:31 PM)
Killerangel: Thank you very much for the references and the words of encouragement, I still believe i need to soul search (tougher while alone) and see what I actually want. LadyHibiscus: something something responsibility, i really wouldn't mind to take a look at whats inside that bag, but in all seriousness i understand that life takes precedence and you cant be actively looking or involved, i have found it pretty hard to identify people that would be interested and trust them with my own exploration of interests Do you guys find there a change in society? in terms of domination and control, more and more guys are attracted to being sub and vice versa for women

LadyHibiscus -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 8:47:16 PM)
I don't talk about people's personal lives, so I wouldn't know. Don't confuse personality with sexual orientation, or scene orientation. Some of the most devoted submissives are very high powered people. They just submit in their personal lives.

msub1000 -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 9:15:40 PM)
So in your experience what was the best line a sub has used to get your attention? and make him stand out?

LadyHibiscus -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 9:18:15 PM)
No one ever used a "line" on me. He started a conversation, the way people do.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 9:54:22 PM)
The messages that get my attention are ones that address specific things in my profile that are fundamental to me. When the message says: wow, I'm a contra dancer too! Have you ever danced in Vermont? Or: I played some fiddle when I was a kid. I'd really like to ask some questions about the 5-string in your picture. Or: I think we might have the same philosophy about simple living. I read your journal entry about getting rid of satellite and was inspired. Have you missed having it? These things show the person has read my profile and journal entries IN THEIR ENTIRETY and he asks specific questions about the content there to engage me. Just saying 'hi, we have a lot in common'...meh. I want him to name those things so we can start a conversation about them. A tasteful, smiling, vanilla picture is always appreciated. I show my face in every photo on my profile. I don't want to correspond with a headless torso (though yours is very nice, by the way.) I understand some people can't post a face picture in their profile where anyone with an internet connection can see it. But if you write me and want to hear back I need to have you attach one in your CMail to me. Even if I know we wouldn't be a match, I WILL acknowledge and thank you for your interest (assuming the contents of the note are appropriate.) In other words...you do it the same with lifestyle folks as you would with vanilla. Repeat after me: there are no shortcuts. A domme is a woman first, a dominant second. I will enjoy getting to know the woman with no expectations. Should we become friends, sometimes magic happens. I have had several significant partnerships with folks I met right here on CM. Some I approached. Some approached me and I was quite glad because they wouldn't have come to my attention otherwise. Good luck and do keep trying. Almost nothing wonderful in life falls out of the sky into your lap. It does take some effort on your part. And just a parting thought: Don't try to rope somebody into a relationship thinking it'll help you 'find yourself' and come into your own. You have to do that yourself. If you would like to use my profile as a 'practice' exercise, write me a note based on the info above and I'll give you constructive feedback. I promise I'll be gentle. Hint: do not address the kinky parts of the narrative/journal entries...pick one of the topics you would feel comfortable discussing with a stranger you just met standing in line at a bakery or coffee shop. That will get my attention. As we get better acquainted, I'll let you know if and when it's time to talk about lifestyle matters.

LadyPact -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 9:58:53 PM)
I'm going to give you the best advice that I can, OP. First you must understand a few things........ As with anything else, if you snooze, you loose. You are not the epitome of wonderfulness that there aren't at least a certain number out of six billion people on the planet who are just as good as you are as far as relationship material. If you sit on the sidelines of life, that's exactly where you are going to stay. Shyness is not going to be a good enough excuse for not being pro-active. Many submissive men put themselves out there. They are the ones who approach, so the majority of the time, those are the ones that get noticed. As much as you'd like to think you are a special snowflake, you are not. The last time I crunched the numbers, one hundred men in the US alone join this site every day and check that submissive box. You do the math and see how many guys are on the internet. Not even a tenth of Dominant women in the US join the site over the same time period. (And what did you say, yourself about the number of pros???) How do your odds of "sit back and let Her take charge to get you noticed" look now? With the above in mind, get the heck off of the internet where your odds completely suck. There have ALWAYS been more men into kink than women and there are UNIVERSALLY more guys than chicks on sites like this. Unless you are in the middle of BFE, there is a lifestyle community near you. You can't stop having an active role in what you want just because this is kink. Has that ever led you to success in any other part of life? Oh, and for what it's worth, one of the most memorable lines anybody ever sent Me didn't happen on a first contact. It was not long after I had joined the site and somebody had written to Me. I replied that I had recently lost a pet (submissive) and I was still feeling that it wasn't time for Me to seek a new sub because I wasn't ready yet. To paraphrase, he said something to the following effect. "Even the Banks family had to find a replacement for Mary Poppins." At the time, it made Me smile.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 10:54:53 PM)
OP, I just looked at your profile. The pictures could be part of the problem. Nix the cartoons...they have nothing to do with real life and show that you've been contaminated by porn. You have a fine butt; however, women respond differently than men to visuals. For instance, you show them an ass, they think you're an ass. Show them your dick and they think you're a dick. She'll ask for provocative pictures if and when she's interested.

AAkasha -> RE: First Contact (10/2/2012 10:55:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: msub1000 So in your experience what was the best line a sub has used to get your attention? and make him stand out? You are right. A lot of dominant women are more seductive/predatory by nature and prefer to make the first move. If you are shy, it's not like you can be the pursuer naturally. What you have to do, though, is put yourself in a place where there are dominant women present, and then be yourself (without posturing submissive so much in a manner that is pretentious or silly), and let chemistry just happen. The trick is to be patient however. On these very message boards, or other message boards, people have actually "taken a shine" to a submissive just by his only personality through his posts, for example. Yep, it's happened! Then they chat via email, voila, it just happens. There are also online communities on fetlife, etc., where you can just post and have discussions. Try to leave too much submissive posturing to the side and let your real personality come through. That said, look for groups about hobbies and post there. Everyone knows everyone is kinky after all. So find another "common interest" where kinks overlap, and just hangout. That's where chemistry happens. Then femdoms become femdoms, it just is what we do. We see prey we like, we make a move. I can't speak for ALL women of course, some do like to be pursued. When I had a kinky femdom guild on World of Warcraft for example, I had not INTENT of "hooking up" with a guy there, but it happened. Just because I grew fond of him. But as other women have pointed out, even though a femdom may be in the driver's seat, it doesn't absolve you from responsibility for courtship, trust me. And yes, in some cases that may mean the dreaded first move. Fear of rejection? Consider it an emotional gift of surrender or masochism. Take a risk. How does it work? Just like vanilla courtship. Ask a woman out. You can express interest initially and if a dominant women is interested, trust me, she won't be shy about taking control. It comes naturally, after all! Akasha

msub1000 -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 7:51:14 AM)
But doesnt it feel wrong seeking relationships on a escort type site? where 90% of profiles are prodommes selling services. When a person signs up, do they sign up for the conversation and the relationship or the sex? for example slyvere you say you almost at number 4 of play partners, doesnt that make the connections you made pretty much sexual? wheres the emotional depth in that? i found that my trust is very hard to earn, its my personal opinion but i believe in a more traditional monogamous relationship, where you make small faith and trust advancements the more you understand the person your dealing with, till you reach that blind faith level of trust, which was tested time and again over the experiences of your relationship.

GreedyTop -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 8:39:31 AM)
quote: But doesnt it feel wrong seeking relationships on a escort type site? well, quit going to those sites if it doesn't work for you.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 8:52:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: msub1000 But doesnt it feel wrong seeking relationships on a escort type site? where 90% of profiles are prodommes selling services. When a person signs up, do they sign up for the conversation and the relationship or the sex? for example slyvere you say you almost at number 4 of play partners, doesnt that make the connections you made pretty much sexual? wheres the emotional depth in that? i found that my trust is very hard to earn, its my personal opinion but i believe in a more traditional monogamous relationship, where you make small faith and trust advancements the more you understand the person your dealing with, till you reach that blind faith level of trust, which was tested time and again over the experiences of your relationship. Are you implying that CM is an escort type site? Just because there are moneygrubbers taking advantage of free advertising doesn't make this an escort site. Your comment to Syl regarding "play partners" shows that you really don't have a solid understanding of what we do, or why. I will slide past the value judgment bit. [8\|] We, speaking as the polymorphously perverse generally, are people with everyday lives who relate to each other just like other people do, with the addition of an acknowledged power exchange, or some kinky interaction. There is absolutely nothing special, magical, different, more, or better about what we do. We love our families, we go to work, we live. What do YOU want? You never did explain if you are just interested in kinky sex, or some other thing. You want monogamy. Well, have monogamy then. Many (if not most) people are monogamous. Do you want a woman who will be the leader of the household? How much control do you want to give over? Or do you want an egalitarian relationship outside the bedroom? You've gotten a lot of solid advice on this thread, but it seems to me that you need to work on who to even approach. In my circle of friends, the biggest complaint is that the men are in it for themselves and are useless when it comes to commitment, persistence, loyalty, all those little things that keep a relationship going during the less-exciting moments. A man interested in a long term relationship, rather than a part-time entertainment, is a valuable thing. Lots of men find that they really don't want to be in a female led relationship once they find out what that means in terms of day to day life. You might be one of those people. Read around the boards, and see how people interact, and what their actual experiences are. There is a wide world of kink, not all of which involves power exchange. None of it resembles porn.

AAkasha -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 9:52:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: msub1000 But doesnt it feel wrong seeking relationships on a escort type site? where 90% of profiles are prodommes selling services. When a person signs up, do they sign up for the conversation and the relationship or the sex? for example slyvere you say you almost at number 4 of play partners, doesnt that make the connections you made pretty much sexual? wheres the emotional depth in that? i found that my trust is very hard to earn, its my personal opinion but i believe in a more traditional monogamous relationship, where you make small faith and trust advancements the more you understand the person your dealing with, till you reach that blind faith level of trust, which was tested time and again over the experiences of your relationship. On a site like this, and FL even to a lesser degree, the "escort type" stuff is on the personals side, not the message board side here where people take time to post and read. A few years ago I started a thread on fetlife that was something like, "What if submissive men cherished their submission like virginity" or something like that, and before it dissolved into debates about semantics and women/virginity/traditions whatever, I think it had some great merit. I don't think there's anything wrong - and I think it's actually very attractive and a refreshing stance - if you approach the kinky community/realm with the position that you do not intend to get "kinkily involved" with a person until you have established trust and chemistry. That immediately sets you apart from 99% of the men. And for a lot of femdoms, if they are intrigued by you, it makes your "surrender" that much more intriguing. I don't think many - if any - women will complain about a man who wants to "take it slow" when it comes to getting to know them or going through courtship. There are a lot of people who enjoy BDSM for "casual play" but others who do want to get to know someone because they are looking for a single relationship. When I was young and single that's what I sought for a long period of time also. The only challenge I would have with your scenario is that I do show affection with traces of sadism, I can't really separate the two, so if 'dating' someone that cat is already out of the bag. I can't really sit on my hands. But it can be pretty tame to keep the beast at bay. Akasha

LadyHibiscus -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 9:55:35 AM)
MANY women on the boards have said that they will only play once they are in an established relationship... so what Akasha says has merit, though it also adds to the risk of someone not being a good kink match with you. I know some delightful men that were ghastly playmates FOR ME, they just weren't a match in that way.

RumpusParable -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 10:10:37 AM)
Yeeeaaaahhh, OP, being submissive is not directly related to being shy. Many are, many aren't. A shy sub has no interest for me.

RumpusParable -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 10:24:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: msub1000 But doesnt it feel wrong seeking relationships on a escort type site? where 90% of profiles are prodommes selling services. When a person signs up, do they sign up for the conversation and the relationship or the sex? for example slyvere you say you almost at number 4 of play partners, doesnt that make the connections you made pretty much sexual? wheres the emotional depth in that? i found that my trust is very hard to earn, its my personal opinion but i believe in a more traditional monogamous relationship, where you make small faith and trust advancements the more you understand the person your dealing with, till you reach that blind faith level of trust, which was tested time and again over the experiences of your relationship. Many are seeking (and many in) monogamous relationships. Playing with someone does not equal being sexual with them. It may be, but it may also not be. The vast majority of my play is non-sexual. I don't touch or get touched in "private areas" nor do I get aroused by being the top or bottom. I do it for other reasons. I don't want nor ever give "blind trust". I, personally, feel it is unrealistic and foolish. People can lie or hurt you after decades of wonderful treatment, otherwise good people can be put into situations where they do bad things, and even when a person has the best of intentions and actions things can go wrong. For example, I did fire play earlier this year with a couple great people. The two of them were friends with me, we're experienced in what they were doing, we're knowledgeable and attentive to safety measures. I still ended up with a small second-degree burn because I just had a spot that, while everywhere else was fine, the flash cotton got me good. Things happen.

LadyPact -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 11:59:18 AM)
I think Hib is a little more gracious than I am this morning. I went back and check Syl's joining date. She's a month short of five years. That means a year and three months on average for each of those play partners. Now, she can correct Me if I'm wrong, but I'd say that's a decent time frame to have some emotional depth. In fact, it's more time than from the day I met to the day I married My husband, and we celebrated ten years this past March. I don't think you were especially fair on that score, OP. I do happen to be poly and I'm a casual play person. Don't confuse BDSM play and sex. Some intertwine the two, but lots of us don't. Hell, I'd call Myself a slut if I had screwed everybody I'd ever flogged. There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want and not wanting to go about it in a casual manner. Plenty of folks are monogamous, don't play unless it's a relationship, and all of that other stuff that Hib said. But if you want something, you do have to do the work to get it. If your trust is so hard to earn or your shyness is hindering that, those are things you might want to improve about yourself. Too many male submissives want to sit back and be pursued because it relieves them of the responsibility of being pro-active. A number of the ladies here can tell you that's not the best way to go about it.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 12:07:32 PM)
LP, do you ever get the feeling sometimes that we're talking to ourselves here on the boards? And just getting typing practice?

pyschosubmission -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 12:17:03 PM)
But you do type oh so well!

GreedyTop -> RE: First Contact (10/3/2012 12:18:33 PM)
tacklehugs PS and sends smoochies to WW

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