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Need some advice - 10/4/2012 6:44:54 AM   
toria899


Posts: 4
Joined: 10/2/2012
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I just recently asked my husband to play in the bedroom him being the Dom and me being submissive, I am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom. But I want to be submissive in the bedroom. He can be really dominant at times outside of the bedroom and I get excited when he is like that but then he switches to submissive again when we enter the bedroom or if I challenge him.

I have asked him what he is feeling and he says he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue where to start on how to dominate me as I am usually the one to initiate things and wondered is there a site or somewhere he could learn to do this to me?

Please be nice. I am very nervous never been on a site like this before and very self concious and has taken me a while to build up the confidence to ask this question and quite scared that if i get any negative comments it will knock me back, but I can take constructive criticism

Thanks for your advice in advance
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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 7:07:19 AM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		The easiest way, is to share fantasies. If you both are too shy for that, then reading some erotica together or watching some kinky porn and commenting on the parts that turn each of you on or that either of you would want to try.

(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 7:21:16 AM   
toria899


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Joined: 10/2/2012
Status: offline
I have asked him to sit down and watch kinky porn with me to discuss it but he says he won't watch it long enough because he will get distracted like all the past times we have watched it together it which lasted all of 5min of the film, but yea its a good idea just need to find a way of keeping him focused long enough.


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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 7:41:12 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Maybe talk in a non threatening environment? Have a bath together. It's always pleasing to have a nice bath, maybe a glass of wine... and then you are ready to play anyway :)

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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 7:54:29 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		There is a great list of books to choose from here.
Having them available to read at his leisure may seem
less threatening to him, and he may pick up his own ideas.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 7:58:46 AM   
crazyml


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Joined: 7/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Maybe talk in a non threatening environment? Have a bath together. It's always pleasing to have a nice bath, maybe a glass of wine... and then you are ready to play anyway :)


And candles.



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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 8:02:11 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Candles are also pleasing. Quiet music with a throbbing undertone...

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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 8:33:08 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I'm with Poise. I would suggest getting a copy of The Loving Dominant. I think both of you reading it and discussing it would be a good starting point.

Lastly, porn really isn't a good reference.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 8:35:54 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		When my (now ex) husband and I were newbies, I bought "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns." Showing him sections and saying, "This looks like fun" worked quite well.

We also joined a local BDSM groups and went to munches, events, and private play parties.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 9:29:43 AM   
toria899


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Joined: 10/2/2012
Status: offline
Well just showed my husband this thread and even though he said he doesn't have the patience for reading he is going to try and read the loving dominant for me and going to do some much needed research together.

Thanks for the advice so far guys dunno if we can get in the bath together though might end up needing fire service to get us out its so small lol

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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 10:05:17 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I also find the car a good place for talking, since you are in a private space and don't have to make eye contact. Or in bed at night in the dark.

If you're just looking for fun ideas you could google 'bdsm checklist' and both fill in a tick list of what looks intriguing. In fact, there is an online one which you can both fill in and it only shows you the results you both ticked. So if you're worried you will put things he doesn't and be embarrassed, you don't need to fret because he won't know. Anyone remember what that site is called?

Remind yourselves there is no 'should' in this. There is no one way to do things. The way it goes in our house is different than the way it goes in crazy's or poise's or LadyH's house. And that's ok. Whatever makes you happy. And there's no pressure to get it right the first time. You get to do this as many times as you want to, so if something doesn't go right this time you can try again, or decide not to do that anymore. Good times!

If it's intimidating, start with small things. Have sex 'normally' but whisper to each other about how you'll do anything he wants, or how he'll have to spank you if you don't behave. He could send you to fetch him drinks naked. He could text you and instruct you which bra to be wearing when he gets home. You could say 'please can I cum?' He could 'inspect' you before you have sex and call you a good girl for cooperating. You don't have to go all out with whips and chains (until you want to ) you can start with tiny little acts of asserting power and work up from there.

Also, while I'd never recommend beating or using bondage whilst drunk, a glass of wine or two before an evening of confessing your fantasies might be very liberating.

Just talk to each other. Agree in advance that every time you play you'll talk about it for a few minutes the next day. What you liked, what you didn't, what ideas it gave you and so on.

Can you get out to any community events? That might give you ideas and also dispel the notion that there's a right and wrong way. It's also a good way to learn technical skills, in case you decide down the line you're interested in caning/shibari/needles etc

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 11:10:36 AM   
LightningAndYoga


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/25/2012
Status: offline 		Positive reinforcement: try any of the places on the 'net with kinky stories that you like,
cut your choicest snippets from 'em,
re-write 'em a little,
and e-mail 'em to 'im...

Amplify what you want growing in him &
simply don't "feed"/reinforce the mode you want dissipating from him,
and change'll happen...

The method of positive-reinforcement mixed with non-reinforcing of unwanted mode is sometimes known as "operant conditioning"

( yes I know that operant conditioning usually involves a clicker or something to identify the specific desired-behaviour,
and often starts with the behaviour-at-the-end-of-the-sequence & works back toward the beginning-of-the-sequence,
but the principle's the same!

Positive reinforcement & letting the wrong stuff just die would make parenting much more effective
than negative-reinforcement does...

Maybe results will begin mattering to people more?
Maybe... :)

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Need some advice - 10/4/2012 5:11:32 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Well just showed my husband this thread and even though he said he doesn't have the patience for reading he is going to try and read the loving dominant for me and going to do some much needed research together.


My husband wasn't much of a reader either. "Screw the Roses" has lots of pictures, which were compelling enough to get him to read.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/5/2012 3:32:36 AM   
toria899


Posts: 4
Joined: 10/2/2012
Status: offline
Good idea they should make books with just pictures like a comic book even for the more serious of reads they should be called Just For Men Books. ha ha just couldn't help myself


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RE: Need some advice - 10/5/2012 10:07:15 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toria899


I have asked him to sit down and watch kinky porn with me to discuss it but he says he won't watch it long enough because he will get distracted like all the past times we have watched it together it which lasted all of 5min of the film, but yea its a good idea just need to find a way of keeping him focused long enough.




I am going to do my best not to be snarky but you seem like you are a ball busting bitch and when you stand there with your arms on your hips bitching that he isn't dominating you right...ya wonder why he doesn't?

So, you want to submit in the bedroom? Its easy, SUBMIT. Don't bitch he isn't doing it right, don't bitch that they did it this way or that way in porn, don't bitch that he isn't ordering you around enough.

Here are a few things you can do...
Tell him you no longer want orgasms or want fewer or only on Sundays...make HIS orgasm your priority.
Beg him to fuck you, not nag, BEG, tell him how much you crave his cock forcing its way into your cunt
Get home early, text him at work and ask him which hole should be ready and open for his use when he gets home, tell him you are stretching it open for him.

OR

Admit you are a control freak and want to ORDER him to dominant you and man up and tell him exactly how you want to submit. I don't mean that in a snarky way, but being REAL is the best part of kink. Its okay to do this, lots of people do it this way. You don't see it online but the number of sadistic subs and masochistic dominants is huge. And it will prevent you from giving him mixed messages, confusing the shit out of him and frustrating the hell out of you.

(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/5/2012 2:23:09 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toria899


I just recently asked my husband to play in the bedroom him being the Dom and me being submissive, I am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom. But I want to be submissive in the bedroom. He can be really dominant at times outside of the bedroom and I get excited when he is like that but then he switches to submissive again when we enter the bedroom or if I challenge him.

I have asked him what he is feeling and he says he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue where to start on how to dominate me as I am usually the one to initiate things and wondered is there a site or somewhere he could learn to do this to me?

Please be nice. I am very nervous never been on a site like this before and very self concious and has taken me a while to build up the confidence to ask this question and quite scared that if i get any negative comments it will knock me back, but I can take constructive criticism

Thanks for your advice in advance


Your problem is that "dominant" (or "submissive") isn't just an adopted role but a state of being per an individual's persona. And hubby isn't a Dominant. The part where "he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue" is a half truth. He doesn't know how because it's just not in his nature; that his only real interest or motivation is that it's what YOU want.

I'm not gonna fault anyone for wanting to accommodate a loved-one's needs or desires but since it's not his true nature, your submissive needs are intimidating him. And ultimately, his manhood is threatened if he can't take care of his woman's needs.

I'm tempted to say stop challenging him, for starters. But therein lays the problem.... When my girl challenges me, it gets my "take charge" dominant juices flowing, whereas your hubby folds in a submissive heap.

Has it ever occurred to you that the very reason he became attracted to you and eventually married you etc is because "I (you) am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom"? Absolutely anyone can be and at sometime is "really dominant at times outside of the bedroom" when the need arrives. You think submissive women (for example) are incapable of disciplining their children; of implementing rules and structure for them?

I think you're scaring him to a point where he's worried he may lose you. That's his one and only interest or motivation in wanting to dominate you. Most common reason people stray in a relationship is because a certain need isn't being met. Question is, is this worth your marriage?

Apologies for the long post with no easy answer at the end.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/5/2012 2:35:25 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

So, you want to submit in the bedroom? Its easy, SUBMIT. Don't bitch he isn't doing it right, don't bitch that they did it this way or that way in porn, don't bitch that he isn't ordering you around enough.

Here are a few things you can do...
Tell him you no longer want orgasms or want fewer or only on Sundays...make HIS orgasm your priority.
Beg him to fuck you, not nag, BEG, tell him how much you crave his cock forcing its way into your cunt
Get home early, text him at work and ask him which hole should be ready and open for his use when he gets home, tell him you are stretching it open for him.


Interesting formula for whoring to any man with a dick - be he Dom, sub, vanilla, gay, Martian etc....

Is this how you started out? That you were empowered by some "just do me" whore rather than needing any individual dominance of your own?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/5/2012 3:18:33 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toria899


I just recently asked my husband to play in the bedroom him being the Dom and me being submissive, I am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom. But I want to be submissive in the bedroom. He can be really dominant at times outside of the bedroom and I get excited when he is like that but then he switches to submissive again when we enter the bedroom or if I challenge him.

I have asked him what he is feeling and he says he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue where to start on how to dominate me as I am usually the one to initiate things and wondered is there a site or somewhere he could learn to do this to me?

Please be nice. I am very nervous never been on a site like this before and very self concious and has taken me a while to build up the confidence to ask this question and quite scared that if i get any negative comments it will knock me back, but I can take constructive criticism

Thanks for your advice in advance

I'm going to be very nice to you.

First - Carry no expectations that you can turn a sows ear into a silk purse.

What you can do - Get him into some off line classes with your local groups. There he can learn various techniques, be exposed to different toys with differing textures, uses and results, talk to others, get a feel for the trappings and trimmings and turn into a competent, well-rounded Top. Hands on learning as it were.

He may just not be the sort of guy who 'thinks' about initiating stuff unless he's horny. Subtle and not so subtle reminders as to the Joys of Sex can be found in a plethora of ways.

For example - he's watching television - you go out naked, lay yourself across his lap and see if anything pops into his mind. Have your hair braided, if it's long.. let him know you made the built in leash just for him. Give him encouragement, verbal and visible cues. Guys can be pretty dense sometimes and your signals need to be loud, clear and obvious.

Television or naked, willing girl over the lap. I know which I would choose!

(Do NOT do this during the Superbowl or World Series - if he's into Dancing with the Stars, wait till the finale is over.. and so on and so forth) - timing is everything

Observe him! Does he chew the end of his pencil when he stops writing and starts thinking? Does he frown a bit when you bring up certain issues or chuckle over slapstick? What's his favorite color, food, cigar, coffee, game show, et al. Learn these things if you don't already know them. (You didn't say anything about service, so just throwing it out there in case.)

If he does get twinges that point to dominance, encourage those. There might be a few thimbleful doses of FDA in there after all

(FDA = Fucking Dom Attitude - a little bit goes a long way but you need at least a little bit otherwise, refer to the first point I made.

If it's all about sex, hell, hon, do the naked thing over the lap. That works, actually, pretty well on vanilla guys too just don't gasp if he's a submissive at heart that he turns around and does that to you as well. If it's about initiating, that's the small stuff. Don't sweat it. If you want it, go for it or continue to wait for it and good luck if you choose the latter.









_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/5/2012 5:44:45 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Perhaps some of the posters here have forgotten what it was like when they were new to BDSM. One is not born knowing how to swing a whip.

quote:

I have asked him what he is feeling and he says he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue where to start on how to dominate me as I am usually the one to initiate things and wondered is there a site or somewhere he could learn to do this to me?

OP - when you say "play" do you mean with toys? Is it skills he needs to learn? These are learnable.

If you are instead referring to an attitude, then reread Focus's post.

And it is fine for you to want to be dominant outside the bedroom and submissive inside - this is not unusual.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to toria899)
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RE: Need some advice - 10/5/2012 7:04:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

Here are a few things you can do...
Tell him you no longer want orgasms or want fewer or only on Sundays...make HIS orgasm your priority.
Beg him to fuck you, not nag, BEG, tell him how much you crave his cock forcing its way into your cunt
Get home early, text him at work and ask him which hole should be ready and open for his use when he gets home, tell him you are stretching it open for him.


These will scare the crap out of him! If I was a vanilla wife and he had never done this stuff before and all of a sudden I start telling him this stuff on the phone, I have a feeling he'd be like....wtf?

Sorry but I would not do these things. Instead just be his wife. Submit to him. If he wants a drink, get it for him. If he needs errands that need to be done, do them for him. Do the dishes, make him dinner, make his life easier. Once you start doing these things WITHOUT any talk of sex, you may find him more relaxed, more open to small ideas...blindfold, handcuffs, etc..just one little thing at a time. Making life easier for your partner makes it easier for him to relax and not have a ton of other stuff running through his mind.

Think about it. When you are tired and you have been running after the kids, trying to get the laundry done while dealing with dinner and a dog running through the house covered in mud, etc....aren't you exhausted by the end of the day? The last thing you want to do is fuck. Well husbands are the same.

If you want a book that will help you....read The Surrendered Wife. Better than any bdsm book imo.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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