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am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 3:52:48 PM

subgyrl123

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline

Hi, I have been on this site for quite awhile now, and think i have found my Master/Dom. Here is my question....I am married and have no desire to change that. I thought i could do this with no emotional involvement (I know this was a foolish assumption). Just meet for some mutual release occassionally. However i have only met Him once and have spoken to Him every night for the past 3 week, and find myself drawn to Him as a man not just a Master. Besides my guilt of cheating physically, now I am afraid this will really change my life. I have lost someone very close to me last week and he offers me more support then my own family, and I am questioning if this is how all new subs feel. He is a widow and lived the lifestyle with his wife. Some of his interests I am not into and now i am beginning to wonder if my feelings are real or like puppy love because i want to try everything even things that repulsed me in the past. I am afraid when it comes to trying these things that i used to consider hard limits, i really will not be able to go through with. Obviously my head is spinning and any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
allie

Post #: 1

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 3:59:56 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Slow down girl. Find out what it is you want. I have some issues with the married part, but that's your problem, not mine. I think a lot of new subs get that sub frenzy...they want everything and they want it now. You need to figure out what you want before you can give anyone else what he wants.

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 2

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:01:00 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

First, subgyrl12, this has nothing to do with whether you are a sub or a slave. Clearly, you're in a marriage that is not satisfying, and the attention you are getting from the dominant with whom you're starting out is touching places that are in need of some sustenance. It is impossible to make any kind of decision about what you are and what you want from that perspective.

Second, you are in an untenable position. You are lying to your husband, which is no way to start off -any- kind of a relationship. This has nothing to do with whether you are having sex yet or not, the point is that when you lie in one relationship, you carry the burdens of that deceit into your other relationships.

Before you go any further, you need to deal with your marital issues. You could tell your mate, and hope that he will be supportive of your need to explore, even if he isn't interested himself. Aside from that, whether he accepts or not, you need to figure out what you're going to do about your marriage. Either get a counselor, or talk to your mate about ending the relationship. You are not doing him, yourself or the dominant with whom you are exploring any good by continuing to lie and decieve.

There are many things going on for you right now, but you are an adult, and need to step up to the plate and deal with the complex situation you are in before you start asking yourself what role you want to play in the BDSM lifestyle.

Da'Avatar ZWD

www.klashaan.org

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 3

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:02:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subgyrl123
this is how all new subs feel.

I won't say ALL new subs feel this, but most do. It's called "sub frenzy" Coupled with the "new relationship energy" high that cheaters get when they first start a good affair, it's no wonder you're all twitter-pated.

quote:

I am afraid when it comes to trying these things that i used to consider hard limits, i really will not be able to go through with. Obviously my head is spinning and any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
allie

Why the need to decide today what will take years to discover? My guess is you've got the idea that "a slave doesn't have limits" stuck into you for some reason. Let me help clear things up- slaves have limits.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_281198/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cslave/tm.htm#281512
Link to 7 previous threads on discussions of "sub and slave difference"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 4

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:03:38 PM

subgyrl123

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline

How do i find out what i want til i try. I have a problem with the married part too, but this desire is overwhelming it took a long time to actually meet someone. I have spoke to many doms but only met One. Yes i am very confused, but so drawn to Him i cant imagine moving forward at the same time i am so afraid to go any farther.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 5

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:09:13 PM

sabswife

Posts: 188
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

well first question from me, does your husband know?

_____________________________

"If you look inside your heart, You don't have to be afraid--Of what you are. There's an answer, If you reach into your soul--And the sorrow that you know Will melt away."

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 6

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:12:38 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

Think about all the folks that could get hurt here, the husband who although is not as emotionally supportive is still with you, the new Beau, who is going to watch as you are torn and who is going to try to step in to help you, which will only cause further pain and confusion, kids if you have them, your folks, his folks ...and most importantly you.

You are playing with fire in a tinderbox house, and you are asking what outfit to wear. Maybe you were naive when you went in to this thing but you are not now, and you have to step up to the plate and be responsible (able to respond) to the people who love you.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 7

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:13:07 PM

subgyrl123

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline

Thank You lucky albatross. To all others hubby, just wont explore this with me. Obviously things are missing in the relationship, but we have kids and i will not put them through hard times for something i am not even sure about yet. I feel very guilty about my feelings but also feel i need to find out where they will lead. I have tried to tell him what i need and he is just a detatched man a good man but detatched. My head is swimming and i am very torn i have not met him since the first time, he is aware i am married and ok with seeing where this goes. Thanks for all insight.

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 8

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:17:00 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

According to her profile "he does not and will not ever know."

(in reply to sabswife)

Post #: 9

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:21:40 PM

angelthighhighs

Posts: 104
Joined: 5/29/2004
Status: offline

i would suggest not making any decisions until your mind is in a better state. i won't go into the bit about you being married and having a Master, that is your life to live not mine. but i would suggest stepping back, pulling yourself together before making any decisions that will make a difference in your life and those around you.

part of this relationship with a Master is being drawn to him in many ways thats where part of the control they have over us comes from. that need inside of us and many of them know just exactly how to fill those needs. but this is all new to you and of course your head is spinning with new experiences, new feelings, and also perhaps the loss of someone close to you.......sometimes we need to take a step back before we can move forward.

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 10

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:24:45 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

I do understand the frustration of a lack luster spouse, and I understand the desire for self awareness and self fulfillment and I defiantly understand the torrential landslide that bdsm is....I do but, subgyrl, submission is about giving oneself to ones owner, and also about finding an inner source of strength that comes from sacrifice, grace and transperancy....I am just not sure you can really explore the things you want to explore with out finding first the courage and strength that comes from being honest with the people whose lives you are interwoven with.

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 11

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:29:37 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subgyrl123

Thank You lucky albatross. To all others hubby, just wont explore this with me. Obviously things are missing in the relationship, but we have kids and i will not put them through hard times for something i am not even sure about yet. I feel very guilty about my feelings but also feel i need to find out where they will lead. I have tried to tell him what i need and he is just a detatched man a good man but detatched. My head is swimming and i am very torn i have not met him since the first time, he is aware i am married and ok with seeing where this goes. Thanks for all insight.

Then be an adult and stop until your kids are old enough that you can do what you need to do. Lying and cheating is a heck of a thing to teach your offspring by example.

There is such a thing as "delayed gratification". It means saving up for what you want until you can afford it. This is where you are in your life -- in a position where you need to decide what is important to you. Clearly, your offspring are important enough that you're willing to stay in an unhappy marriage (though how people think this helps offspring I have yet to figure out in 15 years of pastoral care counseling).

If this lifestyle is part of your being, it will still be part of your being when you have the luxury to explore it honestly. Right now, you are risking destroying everything you have, including your offspring's trust in you, by continuing down the road you're on -- and it can't be enjoyable to carry the weight of the guilt that you have. Think how much more enjoyable it will be to go into your explorations without guilt and without the fear of discovery.

You can rationalize any way you like, and it will not change the reality that you are playing on dangerous ground, and ground that cannot satisfy you while you are bringing guilt, deceit and fear into it in the baggage you are carrying.

Da'Avatar ZWD

www.klashaan.org

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 12

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:36:33 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

You have a lot more to think about than just what kinky thing you might try next with your new friend.

Get your priorities straight woman!!

You say you have kids & do not wish to put them through hard times... I assume they are in their teens or younger if your listed age of 37 is correct. Stop being selfish about pursuing your kink. When you are found out about your cheating ways you may find yourself in divorce court. If the husband finds out you were getting tied up, spanked & f*cked & can prove it in the courts, you play hell keeping custody of these children. There was a woman here in Florida a few years ago that went through a horrible divorce when some photos of her ended up with her husband. Maybe you don't have any photos or may not ever have them... you being online is still creating a record.

You married a man that you were not compatible with or came to realize you were not & you had children in this marriage. This is the first concern. Your family.

I'm sure your friend is ok with you being married. So long as he is getting the milk without buying the cow, why would he complain?

Let's see how understanding he is when you show up with your bags packed & possibly have kids in tow.

(harsh view offered, some PC people may refer to tough love... I call it a swift kick in the ass)

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 13

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:36:35 PM

TxBlkMistress

Posts: 337
Joined: 8/21/2004
Status: offline

First, I applaud you for questioning the whole thing instead of just "falling" and throwing everything into this without any thought like a lot do.   As bandit says...slow down...there is not need to make any decisions right away

You know your own heart, and hopefully you will give the the time and thought it deserves before making any major decisions. Only advice I can give, is if your journey takes you to the point where you want to tell and/or leave your husband, I would definitely discuss this with your Master first.

Now this might not be his thinking...but some Masters/Mistress', subs/slaves, choose married persons because they don't want anything deeper than that....(remember your thinking when you first started this)   He might have been into it for "no frills" as well....if his feelimgs have changed as yours have, it may work...but you have to consider that he still may be in the same mindset and does not want a full relationship, especially if he will have to be an instant "daddy".

Just my ramblings...lol   Good luck on whatever decision you make.

< Message edited by TxBlkMistress -- 6/13/2006 4:43:49 PM >

_____________________________

Being Domme it is a way of life for me, not a kink, but it's not the only thing that defines me. Get to know me as person, you might like what you find.

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 14

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:43:33 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Desire is the cause of all suffering.

_____________________________

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to TxBlkMistress)

Post #: 15

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 4:45:34 PM

sabswife

Posts: 188
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

You have a lot more to think about than just what kinky thing you might try next with your new friend.

Get your priorities straight woman!!

You say you have kids & do not wish to put them through hard times... I assume they are in their teens or younger if your listed age of 37 is correct. Stop being selfish about pursuing your kink. When you are found out about your cheating ways you may find yourself in divorce court. If the husband finds out you were getting tied up, spanked & f*cked & can prove it in the courts, you play hell keeping custody of these children. There was a woman here in Florida a few years ago that went through a horrible divorce when some photos of her ended up with her husband. Maybe you don't have any photos or may not ever have them... you being online is still creating a record.

You married a man that you were not compatible with or came to realize you were not & you had children in this marriage. This is the first concern. Your family.

I'm sure your friend is ok with you being married. So long as he is getting the milk without buying the cow, why would he complain?

Let's see how understanding he is when you show up with your bags packed & possibly have kids in tow.

(harsh view offered, some PC people may refer to tough love... I call it a swift kick in the ass)

i dont agree with this in the way that i dont feel its a good idea to stay in an unhappy marriage for your children, one happy parent is better than two miserable ones any day of the week. that said, if the marriage is over its over and should be ended, cheating and lying is just wrong period. if its not over, then quit cheating.

_____________________________

"If you look inside your heart, You don't have to be afraid--Of what you are. There's an answer, If you reach into your soul--And the sorrow that you know Will melt away."

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 16

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 5:05:04 PM

subgyrl123

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline

Thanks to all tough love swift kick whatever i have alot to think about and will do so before moving forward thanks to all

(in reply to sabswife)

Post #: 17

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 5:05:42 PM

angelface183

Posts: 688
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sabswife
i dont feel its a good idea to stay in an unhappy marriage for your children, one happy parent is better than two miserable ones any day of the week. that said, if the marriage is over its over and should be ended, cheating and lying is just wrong period. if its not over, then quit cheating.

Absolutely right. The last 5 or 6 years of my parents marriage were a joke . I learned that when you love someone you avoid them, say horrible things about them to your children, say horrible things to them in front of your children, ridicule them, etc. I also learned that shouting is the best way to get your point across. Who cares what the other person feels?

Oh and cheating is a wonderful lesson to teach your children subgyrl123. My father taught his daughters to never expect their husbands to be faithful, after all he wasn't faithful to our mother so why would a man treat us any better? In fact my father taught us that a man will lie, disrespect and cheat on his wife if given the chance. My mother taught us that it was a good idea to tell your husband that he is stupid and worthless; it will make him want to please you!

Children are better off in a home where they do not feel like the roof is going to collapse any second. Trust me, they know you are unhappy. You need to have the courage to do something about that before you worry about whether or not you are a sub or slave. Give me a break and stop being selfish!

<edited to add>
I was working on this when you made you last post, subgyrl. Sorry for that last kick to your behind. I hope that you take to heart all that has been written here. Best of luck to you. You have a lot of thinking to do.

< Message edited by angelface183 -- 6/13/2006 5:07:59 PM >

_____________________________

"...... all that, a bag of chips AND a pickle!!!"

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RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 5:30:46 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Number one, I agree that you need to slow down because the buzz in any new relationship is hardly a sound basis to make most big decisions about.

But I'm going to go farther and say that until you stop cheating you will have great difficulty being honest even with yourself on these issues. You are living a double life and this too can be an added thrill to the mix.

You need to step back and be honest with EVERYONE before you can decide what you are.

Then you can do what is best for you.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 19

RE: am i sub or slave - 6/13/2006 5:38:39 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

This is very brave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subgyrl123

Thanks to all tough love swift kick whatever i have alot to think about and will do so before moving forward thanks to all

Good for you...its really rare that a poster takes some of the advice givien here, rather then up and leaving in a snit...I wish you the best of luck as you sort all this out.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to subgyrl123)

Post #: 20

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