RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (Full Version)

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KnightofMists -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:54:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?


No. Hate to break it to you but most men who come to collarme are simply looking for a bit of fun in the bedroom with a woman who they assume is easy because she's on a sex site. Do not assume that just because they are on collarme that they must be open to the lifestyle and kinks.


Is there a way to tell what they are open to early on, without going through the process I did?


Yeah... get out from the computer screen and go see people at lifestyle events like a munch. In fact, a Munch would likely be the first place to meet people. OH.... just so you know a Munch is a gathering for conversation with lifestyle interested people.

Since you are in the SF area... you should have a pretty easy time of finding a munch or two for you to go to.



KnightofMists -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:58:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I do have to tell you that I thought this post was funny. Holy crap! I can just imagine how 'unacceptable' he'd find somebody like Me. LOL.




Unacceptable!!!!! Hell you should be stoned to death for your unnatural and evil ways.... or maybe burnt alive!!!! just thinking of your um kinks welll it's disgusting and damn now I am horny!!!! fuck... I been seduced by your evil ways!!!!



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:27:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: descrite

I don't know why you'd delay the kink-talk...so much of that can be dealbreakers, it just makes sense to share hard limits right away.


Because tingly genitals tend to get in the way of logical thinking. And quite frankly, if I don't like who you are it doesn't matter if every single one of our kinks are exactly the same....because sex or play will never happen.



Definitely this. And for me, the converse is even more true: the more I like him, the less I care about whether any of our kinks are the same. I "liked" my first bdsm friend so much that I would have tried to accept nearly anything that was important to him.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:34:18 PM)

quote:


ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Then he described how he uses bathroom control to humiliate his subs, which also sounded strange coming from a guy who so opposed the control I had described.


HUGE red flag. He's claiming solid experience in an area where he has no clue.


Would you mind elaborating on this a bit? I don't see a single red flag indicating he has no clue about what he's talking about.



descrite -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:36:42 PM)

quote:

Did you get any clues from your messaging with her that she might react in such an extreme way? Your experience was even more out there than mine.


Sort of. She did not answer direct questions asked more than once, and tried to change the mode of communication (from CM messages to texting/IM/email/phone calls) even after I declined politely more than once (which, in my experience, is the methodology of scammers).

Still, while she was being pushy, and a little topping-from-the-bottom (which I expect in a strong woman, anyway), I didn't expect the sudden freakshow. It took me aback.

When she apologized, and asked to resume, I required a strict no-hysteria promise; she failed, and we ended communication.

I still think I dodged a bullet, and count myself lucky.

But no, I think your experience trumps mine. You've been to CrazyTown, and punched your ticket. You're well rid of that guy.






Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:42:31 PM)

You made me laugh; getting my ticket punched to Crazy Town! You know what's crazier still; while I am here on this thread, my crazy guy just texted me, asking me out to dinner, like nothing ever happened. I'm feeling a little more Cuckoo's Nest here.

I like the idea of matchmaking; fixing up your crazy woman with my crazy guy. They could be nuts together and leave us alone.

Now I have to go think about whether strong women top from the bottom...



JanahX -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:48:24 PM)

Its really hard to click on all levels. Its hard to find someone you like as a person first off - and then to clique kinkwise as well.

When I was available, I had all sorts of men who claimed to be dominant contact me - and just from initial conversation, I knew Id fuck them up left way up from sideways. They wernt dominant to me - I, personality wise was dominant to them. Wasnt going to work. And then of course they said: "You call yourself a sub? You should be a Domme." - of course I came back with "why should I be a Domme? I have zero desire to top anyone." Thats of course when they couldnt think of anything to say because they knew they were wrong - and I get the "Youre a fucking bitch." line.

Its rough seas out there - just keep trying.



TheDarkSaint -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 8:58:15 PM)

Rough seas?.. *Strikes Captain Morgan Pose*

*grins*




Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 9:07:23 PM)

It IS really hard to click on all levels, probably more so the older we get and the less interested in lame superficial crap we are.
That difficulty in finding the "clickee" makes me prone to hold on tight to the rare such person I find, sometimes to my detriment.
I wouldn't be surprised if the very best thing to do is let it unfold as it will; maybe life has more interesting surprises for us when we get out of its way. Very hard sometimes to do that.
Remember that Chinese blessing/curse: May you live in interesting times.



Celticgerman -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 9:22:40 PM)

I read over your initial post. Personally, this person sounds sheltered and in fantasy world. I have seen such reactions in the past and encountered such behavior. When I did encounter such behavior and extreme reactions, it was from folks that were sheltered, had their pride hurt or had a list of issues on their plate they hadn't dealt with, but needed to. I would question which one this is and make the best possible decision as to whether that would be someone you'd want further contact with.

I will admit, I have had similar moments where I've reacted like that, but it was more from being overstressed and not thinking clear from it. After clearing my head and calming down, it was as if business as usual. I have since addressed those issues and they no longer interfere with day to day life.

I would advise you to seriously think about it before meeting with your "CM friend", if they're overstretched and overstressed, they need to address that before anything else. It's not healthy to be in that state, and ignoring that will only cause them to get worse over time. That also has the potential to put you at personal risk, depending on how severe the outbursts, or at minimal would leave you in an emotionally unhealthy state, too.

Alex



sexyred1 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 9:33:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

That's why I hate cyber so much; I just don't see any reality there. I've tried hard to avoid cyber but so far, I'm not doing too well; the messaging and texting modes are ubiquitous and popular. And I'm finding that some men get mad when you won't cam chat with them; yet more cyber.

I had been following advice I've read on these forums to stay away from explicit bdsm questions and discussions with a new person, to talk about regular vanilla things at first. That's what we did, for a few weeks. Then boy, when the bdsm topic finally arrived, it all went to hell.


I don't care who wants to IM or text or cam. I do what I want and it is my rules on how I get to know someone. When guys get mad that I won't go there with them, I tell them to get lost and wait for someone who respects MY getting to know you process. Only after I connect with someone in person and start a relationship do their rules matter.

I also don't discuss my laundry list of likes/dislikes. Men get angry that none of that is in my profile but I find it too limiting to list acts. People matter to me, not specific acts. However, as in your case, there was nothing wrong with you mentioning something you enjoyed doing; he failed your test. No harm, no foul.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/9/2012 9:44:20 PM)

quote:

I also don't discuss my laundry list of likes/dislikes. Men get angry that none of that is in my profile but I find it too limiting to list acts. People matter to me, not specific acts. However, as in your case, there was nothing wrong with you mentioning something you enjoyed doing; he failed your test. No harm, no foul.


I agree about omitting the laundry list of specific acts. They mean nothing to me; I am only interested, if I am at all, in the person. Although I do like to know the general drift of their "persuasion" so I can stay away from those I'm certain I'd be wrong for and vice versa. I am guessing that meeting people online like this causes us (or me) to focus on things far different than I'd be focusing on in a man I met in person. Not necessarily for the better, which is something for me to think about. Online is sort of fun though in a "new thing" kind of way.



descrite -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/10/2012 1:13:02 AM)

quote:

I like the idea of matchmaking; fixing up your crazy woman with my crazy guy. They could be nuts together and leave us alone.


This is brilliance on all levels-- we MUST make this happen! hahahaha.

Must disagree about lists, though: give me your hard limits, and your food allergies, and what kind of movies you prefer-- we're getting to know each other, and playing I-got-a-secret is just downright stupid when we're trying to establish common ground....we're not in junior high, and we're not passing notes between classes and through our best friends.

And yes, every strong woman tries to top from the bottom (see Jan's recent post); this should not be seen by the dom as an attempt to challenge his authoritah, but simply a manifestation of her lifelong defense mechanisms and a means to determine whether he's worthy. If he calls her on it, though, she must cop to it, and not try to play it off like it was a miscommunication or accident-- that kind of dodge is just bullshit. Own it, move past it, and try not to repeat it too often.





Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/10/2012 7:36:00 AM)

quote:

Must disagree about lists, though: give me your hard limits, and your food allergies, and what kind of movies you prefer-- we're getting to know each other, and playing I-got-a-secret is just downright stupid when we're trying to establish common ground....we're not in junior high, and we're not passing notes between classes and through our best friends.


I just read your profile, and it says you are looking for play partners. So I think your focus on lists and specific activities is perfectly sensible; it is tailored to you finding what you want. I am looking for a relationship based in D/s, so I am interested in the man, not his proclivities so much. If I really like him, I'll want to satisfy his lists as best I can whatever they contain; if I don't really like him, his lists, even if they match my own exactly, don't interest me.

My Crazy Town ticket puncher just messaged me that I need to go to Fetlife and learn what it means to "top from the bottom." Now I REALLY want to introduce him to your ticket puncher.



descrite -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 3:12:21 AM)

quote:

I am interested in the man, not his proclivities so much. If I really like him, I'll want to satisfy his lists as best I can whatever they contain; if I don't really like him, his lists, even if they match my own exactly, don't interest me.


Ah-- that makes sense, and is even romantic, in a way.


But, oh boy-- the urgency to get our ticket-punchers together has increased about a bazillionfold!



DarkSteven -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 3:21:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
I am interested in the man, not his proclivities so much. If I really like him, I'll want to satisfy his lists as best I can whatever they contain; if I don't really like him, his lists, even if they match my own exactly, don't interest me.



Beautifully stated. So many men try to lead with their fetishes first. They're shooting themselves in the foot.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 6:50:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

And for me, the converse is even more true: the more I like him, the less I care about whether any of our kinks are the same. I "liked" my first bdsm friend so much that I would have tried to accept nearly anything that was important to him.



I can relate to that.

This guy in your OP sounds like he just wanted some kinky sex but otherwise was probably pretty vanilla. Sites like submissivewomen.com promote this silly idea that sub girls one might encounter on sites like this are all basically just chomping at the bit to have sex with any guy who expresses interest.
And so... we get guys like that.

But there does seem to be an unspoken acceptable kink list among kinky people, too. Like I remember one conversation here about a person seeking an extremely depersonalizing slavery situation; if someone's kink crosses someone else's line of decency or common sense or whatever their social and personal ideals are, you can get judged for things like that among kinky people, too.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 8:36:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
I am interested in the man, not his proclivities so much. If I really like him, I'll want to satisfy his lists as best I can whatever they contain; if I don't really like him, his lists, even if they match my own exactly, don't interest me.



Beautifully stated. So many men try to lead with their fetishes first. They're shooting themselves in the foot.


I think they really are. Although it's always risky to generalize based on gender, I would hazard a guess that most women aren't attracted by what they see in a man's kink list. I've noticed lots of guys on CM have a very long kink list, but it's entirely blank in the narrative profile side. If I'd seen my first bdsm friend's kink list before I'd ever met him, I'd have run screaming in the other direction. Since I learned about his kink list after I was already crazy about him, I didn't run (but maybe still screamed...).



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 8:42:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

But there does seem to be an unspoken acceptable kink list among kinky people, too. Like I remember one conversation here about a person seeking an extremely depersonalizing slavery situation; if someone's kink crosses someone else's line of decency or common sense or whatever their social and personal ideals are, you can get judged for things like that among kinky people, too.



I think you're right. And it's one thing to decide that somebody's kink is something you can't live with, and another thing entirely to deride them for it. I may not be wholly innocent of this practice myself, but at least I keep those thoughts to myself, and hit "delete"! It's human nature to judge, and to use ourselves as the benchmark.



Kana -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 10:47:03 AM)

See, shit like this is why I hate cyber. Generally speaking I'll exchange emails for a little while, but if things click I wanna meet pretty quick. And if things click then too, I'll wanna play quick as well.
Why?
Not because I'm a HNG trying to get a quick piece but because I've too often found that online chemistry doesn't translate to in person and just because you get along in person doesn't mean you play well together.
I'd rather find out right quick than waste my time and hers chasing a will o the wisp that don't and won't exist.



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