RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (Full Version)

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Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 10:51:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

See, shit like this is why I hate cyber. Generally speaking I'll exchange emails for a little while, but if things click I wanna meet pretty quick. And if things click then too, I'll wanna play quick as well.
Why?
Not because I'm a HNG trying to get a quick piece but because I've too often found that online chemistry doesn't translate to in person and just because you get along in person doesn't mean you play well together.
I'd rather find out right quick than waste my time and hers chasing a will o the wisp that don't and won't exist.


I thought this way too at first, and I was going to meet the guy in my OP right away (after a couple of weeks of texting conversation). Then I got the crap I did from him "online", and so never did meet him in person. Now I'm really glad that I didn't. So now I'm thinking the opposite; that I should wait longer than I'd intended to meet up for real. As usual, now I'm just more confused.



Kana -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 11:04:26 AM)

I generally talk online for like two weeks, then see where things are going.
But yeah, things change once sex and/or BDSM enters the picture. Conversations shift in tone and content, people get weird. Then you find out what guys are really like right quick it seems.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 11:46:41 AM)

Your timetable sounds like a good one to follow. Not too much time spent online; enough (once sex/bdsm comes into the conversation) to get a feel for whether the person is somebody you'd want to meet in person. So I guess my OP worked out exactly right ;-)



darkenchantments -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 11:52:28 AM)

IMO the thing is, it doesn't really make that much difference whether you meet someone online and talk to them, or in real life. Either way, you talk and find out what they're like. The difference in real life is that you have the help of the non-verbal signals which you're lacking online, and which make up over 90% of the real communication. So you get more information more quickly and effectively in a half hour chat face to face in a bar or cafe than you do in several hours of anonymous online talk. And we can still make mistakes!

Clearly with this guy you went the right route; seeking to establish your vanilla suitability before getting to the bdsm side of things. And that was going fine. But when you got down and dirty, it went ape shit! Well, that happens. It happens vanilla too; you get on fine with someone, until you find they only do one kind of sex, and all else is disgusting; or something similar. Its all part of the rich process of learning enough about someone to decide whether you will be suited in a relationship at all levels or not.

Try not to let it put you off. You've learned that its not enough to just like someone vanilla; you also have to get around to deciding if you're going to suit in kink too. It isn't really any different from developing a relationship in vanilla life at the finish. It always takes time, and sometimes we get burned along the way.

Learn, shrug, and move on.

'If you hate lawyers'..........but EVERYBODY hates lawyers..........!![:'(]



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 12:01:16 PM)

I certainly think meeting in person gives you infinitely more information about the man/woman than online does. Maybe it's laziness, or just being busy, but I can meet more people online than I can take the time to do in real life. Like chatting online late at night when I can't sleep, or early in the morning before work. Online is a great convenience, but you pay for that convenience too (like fast food maybe).

On your other comment; I can't tell you how many guys want to subject me to their lawyer jokes. The ultimate in sadism... Hmmm. Does Kana tell lawyer jokes?



mousekid -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 1:23:37 PM)

In my two year relationship with my live in partner I still have kinks that I can't or rather haven't shared with him yet. Every time you share some intimate piece of information like that you are putting yourself out there and are at risk at being judged and rejected. I find myself judging other people for their kinks when they are something that I can't relate to, but I recognize this as hypocritical so I keep my mouth shut. Maybe a better response on his part would have been something such as "personally I can't relate to that, but maybe you can tell me more about it."

And everyone has else has said it already, but I'll say it again. That man was not open-minded or understanding and probably no fun anyway. Not a big loss.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 2:21:58 PM)

Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
NuevaVida
for
We're a regular cornucopia of kink.


http://www.collarchat.com/m_4262503/tm.htm



xssve -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 8:43:56 PM)

Different strokes. There is a bit of cognitive dissonance when you first get into this, i.e., doing creepy things, while trying not to be creepy about it. [:D]



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/14/2012 8:50:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

Different strokes. There is a bit of cognitive dissonance when you first get into this, i.e., doing creepy things, while trying not to be creepy about it. [:D]


Hmmm. "Cognitive dissonance" is a phrase I've been using a lot lately.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 3:44:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mousekid

Every time you share some intimate piece of information like that you are putting yourself out there and are at risk at being judged and rejected.


I can relate to that, too. It's really hard for me to open up until I've gotten to know someone.



Bhruic -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 12:28:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

...

Collarme friend just WENT OFF on me. A tirade came over the phone about how “creepy”, “actually sick”, and “Svengali” it was. ...

Am I missing something? Is there an unspoken scale of acceptable kink?



In my experience (and in the experience of most people I have talked to my whole life) it can be an insanely difficult thing to find a partner who's kinks perfectly compliment ones own. I can totally understand someone who says "Gosh, sorry... that doesn't do it for me." but to judge you!? That is inappropriate.

I think for most people, con-sensuality is the yard stick for acceptability... everything is up for grabs between two consensual partners.

That said... in an other thread I expressed the thought that when power exchange has nothing whatever to do with sex or sexuality ( as some assert) it seems to me to have the potential to be emotionally unhealthy. That may be a simple failure of my own to understand a perspective that is not mine... But if I met someone that simply enjoyed being controlled with no sensual or sexual component to it (even in their own minds) I certainly wouldn't judge them for that. I'd be fascinated and want to try and understand them.

As many others have said in support of you, be confident in knowing yourself and what gives you pleasure, and move on. :)



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 1:26:26 PM)

I too wouldn't quite understand somebody wanting to be controlled without a sensual or sexual component to the relationship. Mine did have that component; honestly, I wouldn't have participated in it or responded the way I did without it.



JeffBC -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 2:37:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Am I missing something? Is there an unspoken scale of acceptable kink?

Are you missing something? I think so, yes. I've gotten similar reactions from people... in one case a set of friends who actually knew Carol and I face to face. My general assessment is that when you're talking to someone for whom the entire thing is sexually motivated top/bottom stuff, the moment you step out of that they start applying vanilla lenses. The friends in question were horrified that I actually controlled Carol simply for the sake of controlling her and our marriage.

Is there some scale? Yes there is. There are a fair number of sacred cows that you dare not touch. This, however, is not one of them. Heck, I've known vanilla couples that check in with each other pretty darned regularly. I think you just ran into a kinkster grappling with a lifestyle relationship. The good news is that I've found this reaction to be rare in real life. Usually this is internet people filled with a zillion rules about how a D/s relationship "should" be and zero practical experience with anything.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 3:58:14 PM)

JeffBC, I just went into your profile and read your journal. Would it be accurate to say that my run-in in the OP was my desire for "relational dominance" versus his for sexual dominance? And further accurate to say that relational dominance includes but is not limited to sexual dominance, but sexual dominance ends when the sex ends?
And what are the sacred cows you mentioned?
Thanks; hope all the questions aren't rude.



JeffBC -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 4:37:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
JeffBC, I just went into your profile and read your journal. Would it be accurate to say that my run-in in the OP was my desire for "relational dominance" versus his for sexual dominance? And further accurate to say that relational dominance includes but is not limited to sexual dominance, but sexual dominance ends when the sex ends?

Give or take yeah, that's how I see it anyway. Note those are my terms and therefor my thought constructs which probably only loosely apply well to other people. That's always how it is I suspect. In general I find that most alternative folk are reasonably accepting of most stuff if you don't rub it in their faces too much. But there is a [small] segment of the sexual crowd that gets really squicked by the idea that someone might obey all the time because they prefer to defer (Carol's phrase). For some reason that is apparently not nearly as valid a reason for obeying as "it gets me wet". To be fair, there is also a [small] segment of the "relational dominance" crowd that gets really dismissive about the sex people... as if "because it gets me hot" were somehow not a good enough reason. For myself, a "good enough reason" is one that makes smiles all around. I don't really need to know much more than that. I approve of that which works.

And what are the sacred cows you mentioned?
*chuckles* How about I don't mention them here... they being sacred cows and all. I don't really think you want this thread to explode in hysterics. But in my observation all of BDSM seems to have some very clear rules about how things ought to be done and when you step outside them people get freaky. I do find this much less prevalent in the real world than online. In the real world it's possible to have all sorts of conversations that can't productively be done here.

Thanks; hope all the questions aren't rude.
Not rude at all.



descrite -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 8:15:30 PM)

Can I please nominate Jeff for Mentor of the Week?

This stuff is absolutely choice. Thanks, man.



KaiKai -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 8:37:29 PM)

He's weird. Not you.
Don't be upset about what some loser on the internet thinks of you.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 8:40:12 PM)

Now that some time has passed, it seems pretty funny to me that I "squicked" a man out by telling him I enjoyed being controlled, when said man went on collarme looking for a submissive, and found me.



JeffBC -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 9:58:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Now that some time has passed, it seems pretty funny to me that I "squicked" a man out by telling him I enjoyed being controlled, when said man went on collarme looking for a submissive, and found me.

*laughs* yeah, there is that. But you need to remember that "submissive" means a lot of things to a lot of people. I suspect he was talking about what we all here would refer to as a bottom. It's not that hard to see how someone who thought of all of this as a bit of bedroom fun & games might get REALLY freaky when it goes out of the bedroom. And heck, it doesn't stop there. You can get quite a bit of energy going here asking about "does he control your vote?" or a wide variety of other topics. I think the closer you get to being REALLY total in your total power exchange the more you run into this stuff.

All that being said, this particular bit of checking in is kind of funny. As I noted, lots of vanilla folks do that just sort of normally at least some of the time.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? (10/15/2012 10:22:53 PM)

I certainly learned a lot from a very minimal investment of time in the man. Just from varying responses including yours right above, I can see that I lean farther toward the total power exchange than I might at first have supposed (I'd certainly vote the way he wanted). I will never again assume that somebody who (allegedly) has been a dominant in the lifestyle for over 20 years is thinking about anything but the bedroom. Lots of minefields in this search!
I may ask you in a pm about the sacred cows...



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