RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare?

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RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 10:21:45 AM

Lucifyre

Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline

Each person processes their aftercare needs differently. Sometimes it's different for individuals depending on the session or who they're with. I sometimes even change direction with Mr., Some nights I need to be left alone to process, I'll have a smoke and wrap myself in my blanket and Goddess forbid anyone touch or talk to me for a few minutes. I need that space afterward to regain control of what I just went through and if I am forced to engage it will make me lose whatever composure I had at the end of the scene and I'll end up a blubbering mess. And sometimes I need to be held and petted and cooed to and told what a good girl I was to bring my head back from some of the dark places I wind up. Sometimes I just need a drink and a cookie to get my bloodsugar back up so I can clean up and continue with the evening.
If she is not communicating with you outside of your sessions, that's not a good thing, even on a casual level. It seems to me that you need better feedback from her in order to help her process, whether that's letting her wrap up and internalize her emotions or giving her a drink and a cookie doesn't matter...you need to know what it is that she needs and for some reason she isn't telling you clearly enough.
Sit her down in a neutral setting...over coffee maybe and have her spell it out for you. If she is unable to do that it may be time to take a break from sceneing with her until she can better explain to you what it is she needs afterward.

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 21

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 11:37:14 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I wouldn't want cuddling while over his lap. I want that afterwards when I'm sitting up again.

Why not change this to aftercare she will accept? Try offering her a blanket to keep her warm and you get her some water or hot tea, depending on how cold she is. It's still caring but it puts the aftercare on her physical needs instead of emotional. Let her sit there by herself until she can talk again.

But I applaud you on not wanting to play with someone who just gets up and runs. I don't think most people are ready to get behind the wheel of a car immediately after. I wouldn't want to know that me not making her some tea was the cause of her getting killed.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Lucifyre)

Post #: 22

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 11:56:02 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Not everyone wants or needs the so called 'aftercare'. It's a bit of an internet myth / creation. Nobody actually 'needs' it, it's just that some people like a cuddle after sex stuff, and some people don't. If she doesn't, she doesn't. It's hardly a medical necessity.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 23

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:08:30 PM

AKman770

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/15/2012
Status: offline

I have a few ideas. No. one is on target with Curious Ferret. She has a deep need for punishment or hurt. She gets it, and that is what she needs. And agreed, can't fix her. Maybe she can fix herself, but not you.

Second is what was also said, you are a casual play partner, she is getting what she wants and then she is leaving.

Third point is more of a question. How well do you know each other? Do you want to keep seeing her? Are you getting what you want? I think you want to be a concerned Domme, so it sounds like you are not getting the everything you need.

Just my three cents.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 24

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:09:49 PM

Temp1010

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/18/2012
Status: offline

Hello.

My name is Gia and i am the person that Ms Asylum is speaking of. I know her on a first name basis, so I do not believe it would be nice for me to use it here.
I often browse the topics here but i do not have an account. I just opened this temporary account to respond and I already have 7 messages with my profile blank.I do not have an interest in being "part of" the community of this site. just not for me so I hope that is not offensive to anybody.
Ms Asylum took me out to lunch today and explained why me being distant after she spanks me bothers her.
I'm not going to use the excuse of "being new" as a reason for it.
It is very hard for me to say what I want and need because of my upbringing.
I woun't go into details because that is irrelevant.
Ms Asylum has to be the one of the few people I have ever met to show she cares.
That scares me when i think about it.
We are not trying to be in a relationship so i do not want her to feel obligated to pay attention to me after spanking.
The first time we were together i had laid on the floor next to her while she was sitting up with her back against the wall.
She ran two of her fingers through my hair and said "good job".
I loved the attention but it took away from what we just did.
It was just not as intense anymore for me.
She can give me such a rush that I get overwhelmed and just start crying like a baby.
Which is what I need.
Until today i did not know it scared her so badly and i'm forever sorry for that.
Since we agreed to be casual I do not want to be clingy so i would rather just come back to earth on my own time.
Again since we agreed to be casual i did not see a reason to speak if i was ok.
I now know that speaking benefits both of us and can make play better.
It can't be fun for her is she is worried about me while i am enjoying the feeling of being ignored.
How selfish is that?

Thank you for reading this.

-Gia.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 25

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:13:36 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Welcome gia. I, for one, wish you would stay and hang out with us and talk. There are lots of nice folks here.

There is a strong possibility that your email box on the other side is filling up with wankers who will say "I hear you're a guy, get on cam and prove you're a woman" or some similar stupidity. Ignore em.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to Temp1010)

Post #: 26

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:33:56 PM

Temp1010

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/18/2012
Status: offline

hello hillwilliam.

i am very sure that there are nice people here.
i may just stay on collarchat.
the personal ad side is not my style.
i'm not sure yet.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 27

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:34:50 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Gia,

It was thoughtful of you to go to the trouble to add your point of view to the thread.

It's (obviously) perfectly cool if you don't think that participating on this thread is your cup of tea, but if you changed your mind, that would be lovely too.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Temp1010)

Post #: 28

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:52:13 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Thank you, Gia we appreciate the update. As you've no doubt guessed, MissAsylum is a well respected member here.

The discussion side can be fun and interesting and even informative. The meat market (profile) side, not so much.

_____________________________

(in reply to Temp1010)

Post #: 29

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:52:51 PM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

That she can't verbalize the issue I see as a big red flag. I would not continue to play with her unless and until she is willing to be more communicative.
-snip-
ETA: I reread and realized my post might be misconstrued. If she could say, "I'm fine, I just want to be left alone," then I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag. But she's not saying anything, she's leaving you to guess. This is never good, but that's JMO.

I agree with this. Communication is extremely important in My book, else how do you know whether what you are doing is causing HARM? It's also not fair of her to leave you with feelings of guilt and uncertainly after Play (sounds like a typical case of Head Games to Me). I wouldn't have even gotten to the point of Play without first establishing an open channel of communication well in advance. But really, what it boils down to is if you feel UNCOMFORTABLE with it, and she is uncomfortable communicating with you even enough to say, "I'm fine I just want to be left alone," then let her find someone else to Play with.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 30

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 12:58:08 PM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Temp1010

Hello.

My name is Gia and i am the person that Ms Asylum is speaking of. I know her on a first name basis, so I do not believe it would be nice for me to use it here.
I often browse the topics here but i do not have an account. I just opened this temporary account to respond and I already have 7 messages with my profile blank.I do not have an interest in being "part of" the community of this site. just not for me so I hope that is not offensive to anybody.
Ms Asylum took me out to lunch today and explained why me being distant after she spanks me bothers her.
I'm not going to use the excuse of "being new" as a reason for it.
It is very hard for me to say what I want and need because of my upbringing.
I woun't go into details because that is irrelevant.
Ms Asylum has to be the one of the few people I have ever met to show she cares.
That scares me when i think about it.
We are not trying to be in a relationship so i do not want her to feel obligated to pay attention to me after spanking.
The first time we were together i had laid on the floor next to her while she was sitting up with her back against the wall.
She ran two of her fingers through my hair and said "good job".
I loved the attention but it took away from what we just did.
It was just not as intense anymore for me.
She can give me such a rush that I get overwhelmed and just start crying like a baby.
Which is what I need.
Until today i did not know it scared her so badly and i'm forever sorry for that.
Since we agreed to be casual I do not want to be clingy so i would rather just come back to earth on my own time.
Again since we agreed to be casual i did not see a reason to speak if i was ok.
I now know that speaking benefits both of us and can make play better.
It can't be fun for her is she is worried about me while i am enjoying the feeling of being ignored.
How selfish is that?

Thank you for reading this.

-Gia.

Appologies, I just caught this AFTER I posted. BEAUTIFULLY EXPRESSED! ^_^

(in reply to Temp1010)

Post #: 31

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 1:27:15 PM

cicabel

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/14/2012
From: tx
Status: offline

Hello, Gia. I just wanted to say, you explained your side very clearly and well. And I can understand, I was not raised to talk about what I wanted and needed, especially sexually but even for like smaller things, like "hey, can I have a drag of your cigarette". o.o Though, I'm better about it now, with my Master, but not with many others.
Anyways, thank you for contributing. :)

(in reply to MAINEiacMISTRESS)

Post #: 32

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 1:34:35 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I agree, cicabel, she did a grand job of explaining her inner workings. And MissA did a grand job of drawing them out.

It's why we who do this love it, no? We get to go places others can't go.

And I can so relate, having been taught from very early childhood to never want, to never even need, forget verbalizing it. I'm still not good at the simple act of talking about what it is that I need. Amazing but true.

I think many people are like this, which is why "I don't know what I need, but I'm okay" has to be an acceptable answer sometimes.

BTW: Welcome to the discussion side.

_____________________________

(in reply to cicabel)

Post #: 33

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 2:04:54 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

I have been playing with somebody with a good month, and we enjoy OTK. I've tried to give her as much attention after it to make sure she able to calm down and center herself.

Lately, she isn't into the idea. After i'm done spanking, she will get up (as well as she can) and go about her business. She has broken down quite a few times during, and few times after- which leaves me very worried. I've discussed how important its for me to know she is alright. However she can't seem to give me a reason why holding her, or even giving her a few words of encouragement while she is laying across my lap bothers her.

Her feelings, I won't argue with- but it feels terrible to see her shaking like a lone leaf attached to a tree branch in the wind...and i can't do anything.

i'm not her dominant, so i can't necessarily put my foot down (other than stop seeing her)- but what can I do to help drive the point home that for somebody like her, its needed? Regardless if we continue to play or not?

I used to play with a gal like that. Whale away on her hard, and after she would curl up in a ball, wrap her arms around herself and just shiver and shake. But God help the poor soul that touched her. The last thing in the world she wanted was human contact until she was ready and even then it was 50/50.
Freaked me the fuck out. Made me feel like a bad dom, or that I'd done something wrong.
It was only years later that I realized it had zip to do with me

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 34

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 2:23:11 PM

Temp1010

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/18/2012
Status: offline

Thank you to everybody for the warm welcome.

A special thanks to cicabel and ChatteParfaitt.
It is nice to know that I am not the only person who has struggled with getting my wants and needs across.
I'm not a relationship of any kind type of person so even with what I have with Ms Asylum is very different for me.
I have to admit she has done better than any therapist has for me.
I'm not crazy or anything.
Just so shy that it would hinder how I live my life.
Even just to be "i'll see you when i see you" like Ms Asylum says requires understanding of each other.
I can cope better through that.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 35

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 4:38:38 PM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

Welcome Gia

I am also one who struggles to handle cuddles and snuggles after a scene, pretty much any more than a blanket thrown over me and a drink of some sort, usually sweet tea is way to much for me.

It can be hard for those who Dominate and Top people that react that way. if you need to chat at any time then feel free to mail on the otherside.

Miss Asylum, your attitude is applaudable :D

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation... I can find the way all by myself!

(in reply to Temp1010)

Post #: 36

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 4:54:40 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I have to admit, snuggles and cuddles are fine for me - when i am ready for them. Don't cover me up, don't pet me - leave me alone until i want to respond. But if you are in the room, thats nice as well.
I have been around people who need aftercare, but i am not one of them.

(in reply to amaidiamond)

Post #: 37

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 6:08:09 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

Thanks eveybody for being so lovely to Gia.

Gia, I so hope you will consider staying here for the forums. You'll learn a great deal, and most of the people are awesomely chock full of knowledge and other squishy bits. I told you this earler, but thank you for opening up to me.

"Whatever you have seen, you don't need to tell me. I'm just happy that you're here."

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 38

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/18/2012 8:18:02 PM

Muchtado

Posts: 29
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline

Great thread. MissA, thank you for bringing this up. I personally have never run into this but it could happen. When I first read this I started thinking how I would handle this if it happened to me. My original ideas about this situation were shot down when Gia posted. But what I did get was a different way to see something. Sometimes I need a discussion like this to keep me from stagnating.

Gia, thank you for what you wrote also. You expressed yourself very well on something that was obviously very personal. I can not truly understand how you feel because I grew up in an perceptibly different type of household. However I can understand, from what you wrote, that you feel strongly the way you do. It says a lot about you and how much you care for MissA that you would make the effort to put in your two cents worth.

I really hope things work out for you both.

Larry

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 39

RE: Should I Be More Insistent with Aftercare? - 10/19/2012 4:55:52 AM

Temp1010

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/18/2012
Status: offline

Hello Muchtado.

I am interesting in reading your initial thoughts ont his if you do not mind sharing.

(in reply to Muchtado)

Post #: 40

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