is this what being a sub is like?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

is this what being a sub is like?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> is this what being a sub is like?

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 10:27:28 PM

shysub32

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/17/2012
Status: offline

Hi everyone. So i'm new to this and have been reading about the lifestyle but I know its not the same thing as real life. I have managed to meet a dom/sub couple online. Now I know everyone has their own thing but I get confused. I have read about limits and hard limits and all that good stuff and how a Dom is supposed to respect that. The Dom that I met online does not allow the sub to have limits he tells her he is in charge. I'm not sure if that's how its supposed to be or is he just taking advantage of her? Yes she does tell him if something makes her uncomfortable which some of the things would make me feel weird too such as him making her burn her pussy. (yes with actual fire) Like I said i'm new and I want to know if we are allowed to set limits or is that just BS they put in books to make us feel better.

Post #: 1

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 10:38:59 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Yes you can absolutely have limits. In fact, right at the beginning of a relationship it's important to be able to convey any limits you have and trust that your dom will respect those limits.

As the relationship continues and deepens you may decide to give up your limits, but that is usually only when you know and trust the dom enough to know that s/he will not to anything to damage you physically or psychologically.

There is nothing in books put there solely to make you 'feel better'. These are no rule books for doing bdsm 'right'. These books usually attempt to explain how a lot of people do this stuff, and if it works for you, great. If it doesn't, then you get to choose.

I met Master on cm. We chatted online for a couple of months, then we started dating. Totally vanilla. Once we realised we liked each other and could trust each other, we introduced the D/s and s&m. I started out with limits, but now I don't have any because I know he's never going to do anything to hurt me or destroy our relationship. However I kept my limits for well over a year, until I realised he was one of the good guys.

This person you are talking about is a fucking moron. He is abusing the trust you have placed in him and you risk permanent harm if you allow him to treat you like this. Tell him to fuck off, dump his abusive ass and find yourself someone worthy of your submission.

eta missed word

< Message edited by myotherself -- 10/17/2012 10:40:09 PM >

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 2

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 10:47:35 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

First bit of advice. Never believe anything that someone online tells you, especially internet Doms. Yes, submissives can have limits. Doms respect limits. The only time llimits are not respected is if YOU agree to give up YOUR limits.

Now, how to you know this guy you were chatting with is a Dom? Just because he joins Collarme and checksmarks a box that says Dom does not make him one.

My suggestion is to read a lot around here. Especially read about sub frenzy. There is a search feature at the top right of this page. After a bit you will figure out who does this stuff real time and who comes here for fantasy. Keep asking questions. The main point to remember is that there is no one true way. There is no book with the rules and regulations of BDSM. You find what fits for you and then you find a partner who will be a match for you.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 3

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 11:05:27 PM

shysub32

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/17/2012
Status: offline

Hi Myo oh no i'm not his sub this is a couple I met online. They are together in real life. He has tried to make me be his sub but I declined because what he does is scary. Peppermint you are right he may be a fake idk. I only started talking to them to try to get some insight on this lifestyle. I have been reading posts on here and I see there are a lot of respectful Doms which I like and want. Oh yeh Myo about the dumping him she has actually brought up the subject with him, respectfully of course and he has told her he's in charge and he decides when and if she can leave. I may not know much about this lifestyle but speaking to them allows me to see what I definitely do not want.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 4

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 11:07:18 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Peppermint's first bit of advice is spot on. Until you know someone in person and can observe their actions for yourself, assume they are using some creative license online.

I can sit here and type out a nice little paragraph about how we're so incredibly intense and hardcore that he allows me to breathe only 19200 times during the 16 hours I'm awake each day, so I have to count each breath. It's not too hard except when he strings me from the ceiling by my nipples and douses me with cold water and gives me my daily 350 strokes of the whip - sometimes that makes me lose count.

So first off he/she is mostly likely making it up completely or exaggerating to make them sound good.

That said, a lot of it depends on exactly what was said. I could argue that I don't really have any limits with my husband because I know there are things he would never, ever do. I don't need to say 'scat is a limit' because I know he would be just as horrified as me. In fact, he probably has more defined limits than I do. He's dead against tattoos and piercings and I'm not. So in that sense he does dictate my limits for me.

Things also change over time. Things that scare and disgust me become less scary and disgusting over time because my love and trust for him are so solid and my desire to please him is so great. Because we're in such a strong relationship, I'm willing to go a long way for him. At first, not so much. So again, for me, limits mean less over time.

Burning her pussy is extreme but not completely unheard of - some people like to play in the extremes. So the act itself doesn't prove he's taking advantage of her. And ultimately no matter how slavey a person is, they always have the option to withdraw consent and leave.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 5

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 11:08:52 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

When I first met Master I had limits. We talked about mine and his and turns out we had pretty much the same limits. So technically I don't have limits in my relationship with him because our lmits cancel each other out.

So my advice is to find someone who is similar to what you want but in a dominant type.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 6

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 11:13:09 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub32

Hi Myo oh no i'm not his sub this is a couple I met online. They are together in real life. He has tried to make me be his sub but I declined because what he does is scary. Peppermint you are right he may be a fake idk. I only started talking to them to try to get some insight on this lifestyle. I have been reading posts on here and I see there are a lot of respectful Doms which I like and want. Oh yeh Myo about the dumping him she has actually brought up the subject with him, respectfully of course and he has told her he's in charge and he decides when and if she can leave. I may not know much about this lifestyle but speaking to them allows me to see what I definitely do not want.

I think we posted at the same time.

The police and various women's services will always assist a person who is being prevented from leaving a relationship. If the point should come where she says 'I don't want this relationship any more, I will not submit to you, I am leaving' and he stops her, we're into a different discussion already.

And again, there's talk. My husband often says 'you're mine, I'm never letting you go' but I don't fear that he would keep me prisoner if the marriage did end.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 7

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 11:16:32 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Master and I once talked about the never letting to thing if something like that happened. He said he would not let me go until he knew we had exhausted all other options, such as trying to fix what broke the relationship. We would not walk out the door without a very good reason and that we did everything we could to be together.

It could be that is what the Dom in question meant.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 8

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/17/2012 11:54:19 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

My apologies OP - it's too early in the morning and I misread some of your post. As the others have said, the dynamic he has with her is something they should have negotiated in the beginning. If she is not happy with what he's doing, she is absolutely free to leave at any point.

I would add that I agree with LW's post - if Master and I ever got to the point that breaking up was possible, he wouldn't let me leave until we'd tried everything to save the relationship.

Your own relationship should be based around what both of you want. You do not have to do anything until you are ready to do it. You do not have to do everything without question - you design your relationship around your (his/her and your) needs.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 3:55:19 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

One thing the OP needs to remember is that what we do is JUST like a vanilla relationship - with benefits. If you wouldn't let someone do something in a vanilla relationship, then you wouldn't let them do the same thing in a BDSM relationship.
What you are looking for is a RELATIONSHIP between two equals - until you decide to give that equality away, and you give it away -the other person has no right to demand anything. At least, they can demand it, but you don't have any obligation to give in.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 10

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 4:15:10 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

You have been given some excellent advice. In addition to reading and learning here on CM, I suggest you get out into your local community. A real life mentor in the form of a fem sub you like and admire is a great intro.

There are a number of great book lists floating around, here's one:

Book List Thread

BTW: Welcome to the discussion side of CM.

_____________________________

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 11

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 4:36:36 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub32

Hi everyone. So i'm new to this and have been reading about the lifestyle but I know its not the same thing as real life.

IMO, one of the criteria for success is that people are able to integrate the lifestyle with real life. To have jobs, kids, etc., but do all that and still keep a D/s relationship.

quote:

I have managed to meet a dom/sub couple online. Now I know everyone has their own thing but I get confused. I have read about limits and hard limits and all that good stuff and how a Dom is supposed to respect that. The Dom that I met online does not allow the sub to have limits he tells her he is in charge.

Congratulations. You are learning the difference between a Dom and a wanker. Online is an excellent place to meet wankers that claim they're Doms. People are not always what they claim to be online.

quote:

I'm not sure if that's how its supposed to be or is he just taking advantage of her? Yes she does tell him if something makes her uncomfortable which some of the things would make me feel weird too such as him making her burn her pussy. (yes with actual fire) Like I said i'm new and I want to know if we are allowed to set limits or is that just BS they put in books to make us feel better.

Not only are you allowed to set limits, but the people who proudly proclaim to be no-limits slaves are generally derided as such here. There ARE no-limits slaves, and myotherself and littlewonder are in relationships like or near that, but they progressed to it slowly over time, with lots of discussions.

quote:

They are together in real life. He has tried to make me be his sub but I declined because what he does is scary. Peppermint you are right he may be a fake idk. I only started talking to them to try to get some insight on this lifestyle. I have been reading posts on here and I see there are a lot of respectful Doms which I like and want. Oh yeh Myo about the dumping him she has actually brought up the subject with him, respectfully of course and he has told her he's in charge and he decides when and if she can leave. I may not know much about this lifestyle but speaking to them allows me to see what I definitely do not want.

Bullshit. He's single and trying to impress you with his experience by claiming he has a sub right now. There is no sub, he's not a Dom, and he has no clue what he's doing.

Any sub is free to leave a relationship at any time. It's her Dom's job to ensure that she doesn't WANT to.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 12

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 5:17:39 AM

shysub32

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/17/2012
Status: offline

Good morning everyone. I really do appreciate all the advice. Believe me I am paying attention to it all. unfortunately they are real ppl. At first I laughed thinking "wow this guy is probably some 50 yr old virgin in his moms basement putting up a front" they sent pics, which that didn't prove anything until they got on cam and I had them do and say certain things to prove it was real. The sub was even punished on cam.. Yes I know some ppl have certain fetishes and don't mind extreme pain but this sub has stated what she likes to me and him. The first time he punished her in front of me on cam he had her dump alcohol sanitizer in her pussy she did say no she don't think that's safe yes I thought still ok this is pre recorded so I told her say my last name which is not a common last name she did I was shocked I told him to say some weird stuff too. I was shocked she did beg him to punish her another way he said she don't have a say so about half a bottle went inside her I felt bad she was crying and screaming then he handed her a lighter told her burn it. She flipped out he said if he did it it would be worse so she did it. It was shocking and scary and for a moment I said to myself "Fuck this i'm not ever gonna be a sub" I think he is taking advantage because she is young she's 18 and looks 15 he's in his 40's. I know a lot of ppl pretend to be one thing online. I've been accused of being a wannabe sub because I don't submit to every man I come in contact with. The way I carry myself seems to intimidate ppl and i'm not ashamed of it. I have always felt a man needs to earn and work extra hard for my submission

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 13

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 5:27:01 AM

metamorfosis

Posts: 1132
Status: offline

"is this what being a sub is like?"

NO!

Pam

_____________________________

Pam (aka gungadin09)

Forum Freak

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 14

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 5:57:17 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub32

Good morning everyone. I really do appreciate all the advice. Believe me I am paying attention to it all. unfortunately they are real ppl. At first I laughed thinking "wow this guy is probably some 50 yr old virgin in his moms basement putting up a front" they sent pics, which that didn't prove anything until they got on cam and I had them do and say certain things to prove it was real. The sub was even punished on cam.. Yes I know some ppl have certain fetishes and don't mind extreme pain but this sub has stated what she likes to me and him. The first time he punished her in front of me on cam he had her dump alcohol sanitizer in her pussy she did say no she don't think that's safe yes I thought still ok this is pre recorded so I told her say my last name which is not a common last name she did I was shocked I told him to say some weird stuff too. I was shocked she did beg him to punish her another way he said she don't have a say so about half a bottle went inside her I felt bad she was crying and screaming then he handed her a lighter told her burn it. She flipped out he said if he did it it would be worse so she did it. It was shocking and scary and for a moment I said to myself "Fuck this i'm not ever gonna be a sub" I think he is taking advantage because she is young she's 18 and looks 15 he's in his 40's. I know a lot of ppl pretend to be one thing online. I've been accused of being a wannabe sub because I don't submit to every man I come in contact with. The way I carry myself seems to intimidate ppl and i'm not ashamed of it. I have always felt a man needs to earn and work extra hard for my submission

Well he sounds like a complete moron.

It's possible in this scenario that he is abusing her. It is also possible that this is the kind of relationship she wants, and that they are both getting off on shocking you. Doing something stupid and dangerous doesn't mean she's not up for it. She might not be, but we don't know that.

Either way, you can't fix it. Harsh but true. If it makes you uncomfortable, do not watch their little cam shows.

You can have whatever kind of relationship you want, so long as you are willing to work at it and look for someone who matches you. There is no rule book. There is no set of criteria you have to meet to be called a sub/dom/slave/switch/kinkster. Throw out any notion of there being 'one true way'. My relationship will be different than every other relationship on this board. Doesn't make me better or worse than any of them. Just make a mental note about what you do and don't want in a relationship and go get it.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 15

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 6:36:51 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I would also say that what is labeled on the bottle doesn't necessarily denote the contents of said bottle. This could all be a good mindfuck at your expense.... or many other things. As House says.... Everyone Lies!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 16

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 8:12:24 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Why the hell are you watching these people and wasting time on them? Don't you honestly have better things to do with your time? Are you interested in them for some reason? I guess I don't understand the reason why you'd first of all talk with people that make you uncomfortable, or make them 'prove' who they were on cam. Why is he punishing her on cam in front of you? Was it really for you to see what being a submissive is like? Even though you are supposedly new to this can you not figure out that you are talking to two people (unless you're making the whole thing up, and that's possible) who are wacko?

There's a whiff in the air of misrepresentation of saying that you're new to all this, but you seem to understand how dynamics work, the scenario you're questioning has very extreme detail that comes out later on down the line, and you seem to have all the vocab down as well as a brand new profile. It all seems very unrealistic. Sorry, but it does. It's like the stories we've had in here on people being held captive.

On your question...
It's your life, you decide what to do with it right? You also decide what to do in a relationship. If you have parameters of where things should go with someone, then you are in charge of seeing that those parameters are intact. No one tells you that you have no limits if that is not something you agree with, if you're stupid enough to get naked and vulnerable with someone who says that, then you have the ultimate choice of walking out the door when you choose to.

(in reply to shysub32)

Post #: 17

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 9:17:34 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I personally would not see the alcohol thing as a big deal. If you do it right the alcohol just burns off and doesn't do more than that. It's just a shock and effect type thing. They were getting off on watching you be shocked by it.

I'm not one into the huge age gap thing but it seems like a lot of young subs like that and from my own experience it was that they never had a dad or a good dad as they were growing up or because older men have more money than the young, broke and poor guys. She's an adult though. She can choose to stay or leave.

I would say they are not for you. You get shocked by what they do and find it too extreme for your tastes. Just walk away and find someone else to talk to who is more like you.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 18

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 9:23:48 AM

Daddyplsfindme

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/31/2012
Status: offline

as with everything in life, there are always choices even if the options dont seem like good ones, or too much work, etc such as she can obviously leave if she really wanted to-prob just enjoys your reaction as others pointed out
that being said fireply isnt as dangerous as it seems, i was scared to death first time but only time i ever got really burned was he ran fire around a bamboo cup too long and it burned skin pretty bad--the alcohol on skin burns off pretty quickly and wont leave any lasting pain although be sensitive for awhile

otherwise, dont listen to anyone who tells you that a submissive cant have limits, because for one they arent a 'collared slave' and secondly you can always leave unless physically restrained
dont believe the attention seekers, but rather sane people who have been led into lifestyle by someone with commen sense and respect; and yes even sadists are careful of things

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 19

RE: is this what being a sub is like? - 10/18/2012 10:15:16 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I personally would not see the alcohol thing as a big deal. If you do it right the alcohol just burns off and doesn't do more than that. It's just a shock and effect type thing. They were getting off on watching you be shocked by it.

If it were ON her pussy, I would agree. But, the OP said IN her pussy in which case, just the hand sanitizer alone would be bad, never mind lighting it on fire.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> is this what being a sub is like?

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.110