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RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 11:10:02 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Wow..he had to THINK about it?? What's there to think??

Sorry but if a guy has to think about it, it means he's not interested in me, he's interested in getting a little nookie.

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Post #: 41

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 12:37:32 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

Playing devil's advocate.

Maybe the guy is exploring his bisexual side and the idea of "drinks then going back to your place to fuck" just doesn't gel for him. Maybe he's freaked out a little about meeting a guy like he might try to meet a woman.

Some men express terribly in text, it doesn't mean they're horrible people or necessarily predators. Some people are awesome in text and horrible in person. -shrug-

See if the guy would meet your friend at a carshow or soccer game something. Some manly, vanilla, non-committal thing so they can suss each other out. Make sure your friend brings a secret wingman to observe from a distance to offer a second opinion and as backup. THEN if he pans out and your friend is into the "home invasion" scene the scenario the guy's put forth is not so bad; but make sure he has backup with a clear and secret signal easily done if he should need help.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 42

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 1:33:47 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I don't think wanting to go right to meeting at home makes him a bad person (possibly not a very wise person, but it's up to him). I do however think that refusing to do something simple that would make your potential partner feel more comfortable and safe makes him a dodgy character, whether malicious or just inconsiderate. Even more so when the scenario they are suggesting has the potential to be more scary than 'lets get a hotel room and fuck'.

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Post #: 43

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 1:39:31 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
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Well, the flip side is this... the Dom never mentions being into guys. A lot of guys who might consider trying something with another guy well, they don't want to "get to know" the guy. they don't want to "date" them or do anything that would remotely resemble dating. That's why anonymous glory holes are so popular. So maybe it's a case of the "lets go for drinks" thing not being put right *shrug* Personally I think it's just as possible the Dom's out of his depth and has proposed a scenario that he can just sort of dive into with the "do or die", you just can't tell. However, I do agree it's irresponsible, hence my suggestion that he be given a chance with a vanilla meet that steers far away from his "gay date" triggers.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 44

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 2:26:23 PM

noellesdestiny

Posts: 94
Joined: 9/3/2012
Status: offline

I agree with everyone. Stay clear.

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 45

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 2:30:57 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

Who the hell has a weekend home visit as a first date?

(in reply to noellesdestiny)

Post #: 46

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 2:43:57 PM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Dom usually means male, so if their lingo is right the guy would be the dom.

A really good friend of mine was also a big explorer, taking risks alot. His personality.

He now is severely depressed right now, cause he took the wrong risk and now will live with it forever.

He has herpes. He wishes he would have been more careful, and didnt act on impulse, or other people's insistance.

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Post #: 47

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 2:56:15 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Who the hell has a weekend home visit as a first date?

Good point?

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(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 48

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 2:56:22 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I've had some very interesting first dates, or I should say first meets. I've met many, many people in real time that I first met online. I'm sure I've done some things others wouldn't consider all that safe.

But I have developed certain rules over time that have served me fairly well. The first one is we meet on my turf. (So no, I don't go to a strange man's house.) My turf means in my town in public, and the few times I've allowed someone to come to my house, someone had my back. Yes, I have allowed people to come straight to my house, but remember I was an online DJ for over 5 years.

My own sub lamb knew me for nearly two years online before he came to my house. Even then, it was a friendship type of visit. He did worship my feet for a bit, he did give me one of the best massages I have ever had. Then he got sent to his hotel room, as he had not at that time been given the privilege of staying at my house, which he does now.

Himself was there the entire time, I wasn't worried in the least.

When I met Himself, he came down from Alaska, and we spent a week in a secluded cabin in the mountains. All prearranged. No, it was not a coffee date. I knew him for months online and we talked for many hours. I had no trust issues with him, the only issue was, what if there is no chemistry? Since we were good friends, it was not an issue, we knew we could hike the mountain trails if indoor sports were not on the table.

I think you just have to be realistic about this stuff. Someone you don't know well at all, who from what little we know is not giving a lot out to build trust, wants you to come to their house and immediately get naked. NO. The big reason why for me is that this person does not have the sub's best interests in mind. That should be building trust.

With no foundation of trust, you have to start somewhere. You don't start by being the creepy rapist type.

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Post #: 49

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/20/2012 4:59:42 PM

frazzle

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

Some of us talk enough and connect that we take that chance.

Ive done it both from vanilla connections and BDSM, ended up living with the other person for up to 5 years.

I've recently met someone, He came to my flat, no public place, ive since stayed overnight at his.

Value your own judgement, if it feels right do it.

Oh and before i get flamed... We regularly dish out advice that we personally ignore.

(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 50

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/21/2012 12:43:56 PM

saundrakitty

Posts: 148
Joined: 9/11/2012
Status: offline

after reading the entire thread and all the posts , it is good to see that he finally came around and rethought out this Doms lack of wanting a safe meet it should have set off a red flag. sometimes we do forget and jump into a situation based on letting emotions take control and common sense goes right out the door. did that myself once and my friends did not let up on me and finally got me to rethink something in a more logical approach rather then with emotions. Now i use them all the time as a sounding board to see both sides of things before i fully commit myself to anything any more. hope things turn out ok for him but being safe is something we just can't compromise on at all.

(in reply to frazzle)

Post #: 51

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/21/2012 1:30:42 PM

SophiaStJames

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/11/2010
Status: offline

Do not even think twice. Find another Dom/Domme who understand the concept of power exchange and mutual respect. Respect for the sub/slave and respect for the Top/Dom/Domme.
He seems quite unsafe...

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(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 52

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/21/2012 1:48:39 PM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

I'm like everyone else. Red flag.

I've met people from the net before, both in the lifestyle and vanilla, I've never once met at my house. Always a local pub usually in a different area to where I live.
I'd also leave a text note or email on my pc in case something happens as I know there first place people will look if I vanish will be my pc to try to search for clues.

(in reply to SophiaStJames)

Post #: 53

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/21/2012 2:10:22 PM

Jaquin

Posts: 156
Joined: 12/12/2011
Status: offline

The first person I met in my city to do something with I met online, and he claimed to be shy and didn't like public spaces so meeting at his place was what he desired. Naive and trusting I went, alone. Now this isn't a horror story, we met we played we've been friends for years since and he's becoming less shy as time goes on. But despite that it worked out fine for me I was still an idiot to walk into den's unknown. A lion may purr like a cat if they desire. (Analogically speaking of course, I have no clue if a lion can sound like a cat :p)

Since then I got wise, and I've met people at public events, or at vanilla public establishments. And guess what, I found a guy who two days after our coffee date was demanding to know what time he could come pick me up that night to play - I told him no, he ignored me and kept asking. So I ignored him. Had I kept with my blind trust of years gone by who knows what shit I'd be in right now.

Trust is an impressive thing, I've given it and received it - I've held the life and future of people in my hands and given mine to others and have never regretted my choices thus far, nor has anyone who has submitted to me. But as impressive as it is, it is also the source of many of our follies. I trusted everyone once, I likened it to my views on respect; that it was given and taken away only when shown reason to. Then in a single day and a single event my trust in human kind shattered. It took me five years as practically a hermit to pick up some of the pieces and walk blindly into my now friends house that day and he rewarded me by being one of the most trusting people I know to this day.

Trust can be the greatest thing in the entire world, it can be salvation and pleasure and indescribable joy - but it can also lead us to torment and our death. My blind trust one day led my world as I knew it to be shattered and fall around me never to be the same again, and my blind trust another day led me to a great many experiences of contentedness - and ultimately the beginning of truly rebuilding my trust in people that has since lead to the greatest group of friends I can ever have imagined.

I close with this. Trust blindly and you trust fate - and fate has no stake in if we live or die. If my life comes down to a coin toss I'm damn well gona rig that coin best I can.

(I know he's changed/changing his mind, but I wrote this all out and may as well post it :p)

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Post #: 54

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/21/2012 6:14:23 PM

KaiKai

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/15/2012
Status: offline

RED FLAGS. Tell him to find somebody else.

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 55

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/21/2012 6:21:59 PM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

dafuq? creeper much? your friend is incredibly naive or incredibly desperate. anyone unwilling to meet in a public place for the initial meet-up has something to hide. point blank period.

also, i think he should remove any mention of finances from the profile, nothing says "i'm a mark" like a person who's foolish enough to talk about how rich they are.

(in reply to KaiKai)

Post #: 56

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/21/2012 6:29:44 PM

Toysinbabeland

Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline

Wonders why not go back to the Dom pool...it's always teeming with enough replacement material for when there is a red flag.....

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

Post #: 57

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/23/2012 2:44:42 PM

darkenchantments

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/3/2012
Status: offline

Again, thanks to you all for your kind and helpful input. I've been a bit under the weather, so sorry I didn't get online to give you an update before now. Hey, chatterbox; really sorry to hear about your friend. Indeed, STI's are certainly a possible risk of new and uncontrolled situations. Not good.

Anyway, my friend did take on board the advice given. He has also changed his profile to remove all mention of any financial gain for anyone he may play with; in fact, he's altered it out of all recognition as a result of this experience!

As to the final result. He was going to text the guy to tell him that he'd taken advice and wasn't prepared to meet unless they could agree something to assure him of his safety. However, on the morning, the guy texted him, and had started calling him 'old slave whore'. Now, this may seem hard to believe, but my friend, who was looking for humiliation, didn't chime in with this particular one and got upset! I suppose we all have our buttons pushed by different things. So he texted back basically saying 'Young Master, please don't call me old'! Clearly the guy didn't like that; and my friend has heard nothing from him since! And my friend has chosen not to pursue it any further.

So he's now looking in a much more sensible fashion for someone more safe and suitable.

Once again, thanks to you all for your advice.

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exactly as they are'.

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I only turned to the dark side for the chocolate..........

(in reply to Toysinbabeland)

Post #: 58

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/23/2012 3:32:26 PM

ivone1

Posts: 111
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

without reading all the responses i would say that it is not safe at all to just meet up in their territory.... how stuipd can someone be... safety should be his number one concern and just up and going to some strangers house in the early morning hours does not sound safe at all..... hopefully he dropped the dude like a hot potato ....

Master always meet prospective people that he is going to play with at a starbucks or some other public area first and foremost and see where it goes from there....

as a matter of fact i met Master at my local starbucks for coffee, had a long chat, exchanged information then about a week later i went to visit with him after we had coffee and chatted online a few times... it was the best choice i could have ever made... we have been together now since 2000.....

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 59

RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/23/2012 4:39:07 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ivone1

without reading all the responses i would say that it is not safe at all to just meet up in their territory.... how stuipd can someone be... safety should be his number one concern and just up and going to some strangers house in the early morning hours does not sound safe at all..... hopefully he dropped the dude like a hot potato ....

Master always meet prospective people that he is going to play with at a starbucks or some other public area first and foremost and see where it goes from there....

as a matter of fact i met Master at my local starbucks for coffee, had a long chat, exchanged information then about a week later i went to visit with him after we had coffee and chatted online a few times... it was the best choice i could have ever made... we have been together now since 2000.....

If you really want your postings to be helpful and relevant may I suggest reading the thread or at least more of it? Hint: Sometimes more information is given out along the way that clarifies the topic or tells of recent events. The OP posted right before you did to say that his friend was no longer pursuing things and was looking for someone safer.

(in reply to ivone1)

Post #: 60

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