lilcracker
Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline
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AnEx, I have come back and reread your post probably a dozen times. I don't post much, I think I am still a vanilla status here. I am not a newbie however, I began my journey in the lifestyle 23 yrs ago. I have had two long term relationships the first one was live in that was 10 yrs and one non live in for about 7 and some really short term ones a couple of those where people I met right here on CM but distance has been an issue. You said that perhaps you are not cut out to be submissive and I honed in on that remark. I very seldom share details of my life but, I felt the need to here.
For years, I have claimed to be not a submissive but of a submissive personality. Being involved in this lifestyle has caused me to do a great deal of self reflection and getting to know myself intimately that I doubt would have come to past without being involved. I think the main thing for me is being honest with myself, being honest with how I see myself and not really giving two craps about how others see me and not falling into the propoganda of what is truly submissive and what isn't or how a relationship is supposed to be.
I know I am going to get a great deal of boo's and hisses on this one, but I am a product of an abusive past. Although I denied it for a long time and never once brought my submissive lifestyle into therapy (partly because I was very heavily involved in the lifestyle when I started and I did not want my unkink friendly therapist to tell me I was wrong and partly because at the time I did not want to believe that something 'so beautiful'; my submission; could emerge from such an ugly past) I have come to believe that my past did set me on the path of this lifestyle. Of course, I can't change the past or know how life would have developed without it so maybe I would have had the submissive personality just naturally. But I truly believe that our past can shape us and mold us in to who we become, with that said, your past experiences with bullying could be having an effect on where you are now.
I have not been heavily involved in the lifestyle for a number of years. I still see myself as having the submissive personality and have deliberately chosen Dominant men to date, but so often when I have played I find myself thinking, why am I even here. Even without any have playtime, I often find myself feeling rather trapped with a man who likes a lot of control. I like the control but to me, I like control with in reason. Of course, most of the time what I feel is unreasonable, most men I have met who are Dominant or see themselves as Dominant find it totally reasonable. Even the kinky type sex has lost it's appeal for me over the years, and I have found thinking about it is much preferred to actually engaging in it.
Like I said, distance has been an issue with finding a Dominant man. I am not relocating, there just are not any men on either here or FT close to my area that I would care to even set down and have coffee with. And honestly those guys are probably the ones going to the local munches, not that they have ever held any intrigue for me so I have not used that option. In later years, the choice to date vanilla has been an option although I usually find that it does not last and there is no chemistry.
I am currently in a relationship with a very vanilla man. He was a friend of my neighbor. We chatted many times and he finally asked if he could see me. I gave him my number, and it was a few weeks before he called me. When he did it was merely just spending time together, very casual....watching tv, having a meal together. In fact it was quite sometime before we became physical. I had openly discussed my submissive side...but he is very vanilla and he just is not hot on the idea of exploring it. Actually sex is very vanilla and is a small part of our relationship but when it happens it is very hot and there is weird chemistry going on I have never experienced with any other man. However, it is a very intimate relationship. By intimate I mean, sensual back rubs, (and not just as a method of foreplay) expressive conversation, doing little things for each other that mean a great deal. Like him picking me up every day for work with a huge smile asking me how my day went and really wanting to know. picking up the apartment during the day because he felt that I may not feel like it later, me making his favorite foods or putting something in the grocery cart that I know he might want. Side note, we did decide to live together, partly for ecomonic reasons and partly because I live in a really bad neighborhood (however, I love my apartment, the rent is cheap and the landlord is just FANTASIC!) and it helps having this big intimidating guy sleeping here and lastly because we really enjoy each other and get along so well.
Although this is a very vanilla relationship, I believe my submissive back ground helps it. We never argue, because I have learned to bite my tongue, (not that he causes me to do it often but I can see where another woman might be annoyed by some things), I am very quiet most of the time, if he suggests I wear my hair a certain way I will, I cook, clean, maintain the bills...occasionally he will call me to another room and "Yes Sir?" will fall from my lips but he never bats an eye at it just tells me what he needs to.
On his part there is control but it's not like a D/s type of control. It's almost like a caring type of control, similar to a parental control although he is 9 yrs in my junior. There is no punishment dynamic, no rewards, no discipline, just sort of he respects my well being and says and does things for my benefit and I can choose to listen or not. What happened yesterday is a perfect example.
Normally, our hours clash and we are not home at the same time except at night and early in the morning. But yesterday he was home when I walked the dog. I take the same route everyday. I am a creature of habit. He knows my route well. Anyway, yesterday I had a huge scare. A big guy approached me yelling for me to get back and part of me thought he was speaking to someone else and part of me was thinking, yeah like I am going to listen to you. All of a sudden another dog came running at me. It was not a big dog, it did have a leash but no owner attached to it. My dog is not a fighter and I tried to pick all fifty pounds of her up and in the process got my finger caught in her choke collar. I lost my shoe and this other dog tried to mount my dog before the guy could get him. I am not quite sure if the dog was his and he was worried about my dog hurting that dog or if he was just trying to warn me that there was a loose dog coming. This guy starting yelling at me that he told me to get back and by this time, I am frightened and crying, I told him I did not realize he was actually speaking to me since I had not seen the dog at first. Then the guy retrieves my shoe and asks if I am okay and I take my shoe and sob, "Just take your dog and go away," turn and walk the other direction. I come home finger swelling and worried that I may have hurt my dog with her collar. I am still sobbing and panting out of fear when I come in the door. I relate the story as best I can and get an immediate lecture; how I should have reacted, how the route I take at least that part of it, is not safe...and I silently compose myself and just listen to him gently lecturing me not raising his voice just his concerns. He is checking over the dog for me and admits she seems fine. I never contradict him, even though when he said, that I take that route to 'sight see', I am a bit upset over the remark.
I maintain my silence then get up and continue my housechores. He comes out where I am doing dishes and swats my butt and says, "Let me see your finger." He admits it needs ice and I should cover the ice with a cloth or something. The tells me that he doesn't like where I walk because there are some drug houses there and some of the buildings house recently released prisoners. "They see you taking that route daily and they may follow you home and although the dog looks vicious, she is way to friendly with strangers." I start crying then and say, "I don't sight see, I just walk the dog and only go that way if she hasn't taken a dump yet." He smiles so I ask, "What route do you prefer I take." He lays it out in detail. I know he lectured me because he really cares about me wants me to be safe and he knows that I will do as he says.
Anyway, even though my life is very vanilla, I am very content. And I related all of this to prove my point. In finding myself and knowing what makes me tick, I have found my personal comfort zone. I am not sure if one can learn to accept a punishment, perhaps, you can condition yourself to accept it. I know for me, the thought of it was more exciting than actually doing it and I found myself most of the time resenting it but accepted it simply because it was expected. The resentment however, was not good for me though.
Soul seach---if you want to speak feel free to message me.
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RE: How do you learn to accept punishment? - 
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