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new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney sugge... - 10/20/2012 1:19:39 AM

houndsman

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Joined: 10/18/2012
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New to this aney good suggestions on were to find a sub

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 1:49:16 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
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you've been here less than a day. what do you expect? they don't just fall at your feet coz you read 50 shade of shyte and now call yourself a dom you know.

put some effort and work in.

when you've been here ten years or so and it's still not happening then come back and whinge.

needles

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 1:50:41 AM

Bemyprize

Posts: 43
Joined: 9/26/2012
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Yes, Naval submarine base New London. <-- its a pet peeve of mine..

Now that I got that off my chest. Finding a partner who fits when you have a certain kink predilection can be hard, so here are things that helped. Filling out your interests and then searching in your state to find those who share similar interests is always a good start. fetlife.com is a wonderful place to find groups that meet.

One fun way is okcupid, they have a multitude of questions. Simply only answer those that strictly relate to bondage and you have a way to screen the nilla out.

Regardless of what the profile says, "on your knees slut" is best left to fantasy or those who are wearing sufficient crotch armor. My best pick up line has always been: " Hi my name is Michael, may I buy you a drink" (feel free to use that or heck.. go for broke and insert your OWN name).

20 odd years ago (and believe me they have been odd), when I was first dealing with the fact that I LIKED, doing "bad" things to wonderful people, I was lucky enough to talk with a few older submissives.

Taking time to learn how they think and process information and what works for them has been very helpful. Talking to Doms.. is ok for the technical aspects, but you are going to have your own way... your own set of things that appeal.

There is a short article titled "the healthy submissive", use your google-fu and find it, its a great conversation starter and having a submissive friend read it and then explain her feelings is both fun and quite foundational.

Remember that those you meet, will go on to influence our lifestyle. Most submissives NEED to be told they are doing well etc. (FYI I only dom in the context of a LTR commited relationship so YMMV).

I found that spanking etc is best used as pleasure, if you are doing it right a simple "that's not pleasing to me" is far more punishing than anything you can do.

When it works, you (the Dom) are like an alternator, you TAKE power from the submissive who is the battery. The spark she provides will fill your life with wonder that you can only imagine. If you are honest and don't lie to yourself or her you will find a relationship with a submissive is natural and incredibly easy.

A submissive has an almost infinite capacity to give, if she is feeling drained, its you my new friend who are a crappy alternator. A submissives worth is tied to the amount of power she wants to give, our worth (as a Dom) is, like that alternator, tied to the amount of power we can take from her WITHOUT leaving her drained.

Think of her soul like the samuari thought of his blades. You wouldn't use a sword to hammer a nail, don't use your submissive in a way that is damaging to the essence of her steel.

Good luck finding your own way. If you meet a wonderful submissive and she vouches that you are doing wonderfully terrible things to her, send me an email and I will go over some technical aspects that you might find interesting.

Im taking time, because you seem to want a relationship with a submissive vs play time. Understanding safe words and how they work is vital. Time you spend talking about expectations and limits is NEVER wasted. I would take the list of BDSM topics on here and use that as a starting point. Date her first, then include the kink.

Welcome, and best of luck.

Michael...

< Message edited by Bemyprize -- 10/20/2012 1:53:41 AM >

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 1:53:22 AM

Bimbofied

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/2/2012
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You literally took the words out of my mouth... I have a label from some doms, I call them "Fifty Shades Doms"

To the OP I understand your frustration but its just less an 24 hours, give it sometime and you might get lucky thats if you are truly a real dom.

(in reply to needlesandpins)

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 2:11:46 AM

descrite

Posts: 459
Joined: 5/14/2012
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If I had to guess, hounds, you meant: "I am new to BDSM, and just recently joined the site, because I am not having a lot of luck finding submissives in realtime; can you please give me advice on how to do so?"

If that's the case, you're on the right track: the Internet is the most amazing tool for finding anyone, of any flavor, for whatever reason. I have known a good number of people who have had success with Craigslist (their forum discussions, of all things), and I have had some great good luck with FetLife. Also, the bigger the city you live in, the more opportunity you'll have (of course).

I think you'll have some future success...I know it's very, very hard to be patient to find a good one...I wish you the best of luck in your search.

(in reply to Bimbofied)

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 2:29:19 AM

houndsman

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Thanks for the advice

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 4:12:29 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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You've only been here for two days and it takes awhile to find the "right one," so you need to be patient. Some people looked for years before finding her/him. Some are still looking. But I do know one thing, I would pass someone by if he had a blank profile that says nothing about him when there are so many out there that are willing to put in a little effort and fill theirs out.

NBMG

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 4:46:02 AM

Killerangel

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You can find a submissive on CM but you need to have something to offer, or you're going to disappear into the crowds of men looking for the same thing. Did you really think you'd come here and one would fall into your lap because you put up a brief profile? Take the time to fix yourself up with some decent bait and put some work into contacting women as people- you might find one willing to talk to you and then you need to spend time getting to know her. This site isn't a short cut, the usual relationship stuff still applies.

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 4:50:38 AM

kalikshama

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Since you are 29, I recommend you go to fetlife and do a search for TNG + your city. TNG stands for The Next Generation (of Kinksters) and is for people under 35. Join some groups and go to munches and events. Many submissives are put off by inexperienced Doms; you'll do better in person and after you gain some experience.

Also checkout the booklist and buy the nonfiction books that resonate with you: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

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(in reply to houndsman)

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 5:07:07 AM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
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I am new to the other side-a new sub looking for a Dom so I kind of get your frustration. I spent a lot of time "looking" before actually trying to find someone & that can make it feel like it has been a lot longer (I didn't advertise I was looking, I read profiles on various sites but never found one that seemed to be what I wanted). So, first thing is decide EXACTLY what you want in a sub & that is not just what she will/won't do sexually.. how far are you willing to travel & how often can you do so ( I wanted someone I could see a couple of times a week & I don't have enough free time to "commute" 2 hrs to do so.). What kind of things do you like about or in a woman (not a SUB but a woman). Do you like a feminine, girly type or tomboy? Do you want a sensitive, emotional type or someone who is more spirited? The same way you are not (I hope) attracted to or dated any vanilla woman just because she was a woman, you can't just be with a sub because she is a sub. Also, the more authentic & well rounded your profile the more likely you will strike a chord with a real viable woman.

Next, the experience problem..Like employers, subs usually want "experience" (& yeah, I know how do you get experience when no one will give you a chance...). Being new as well, I would not consider any Dom who didn't have at least 2 long term subs before &/or 3-5 years in this. First, is the safety issue. The sub is in a much more vulnerable position..she doesn't want to be a guinea pig & an inexperienced sub may not recognize her own limits...she relies on the Dom to look out for her safety & sometimes stop. My first made decisions, often against his own desires & my stated desires, because he knew consequences I did not. He took seriously his role as teacher & that meant making sure I wasn't scared off in the long run. Second, experience tells you that a Dom is not just some guy who thinks it sounds fun so give it a try. Like that employer, I want to know that a month later you aren't going to be interested & found a new hobby. Every sub is not looking for LT but there is a lot of ground work getting to trust someone to the point you will submit to them (& I have begun to see the difference between "play" where both of you are really equal & "real" where the sub lets go & trusts to the point of not considering anything other than the dom's pleasure & the Dom is so protective of his sub that his pleasure always is secondary to her. This is where the "sub has all the power" thing comes in...a good Dom doesn't ever get that wonderful joy of being completely free & unguarded. Like a parent & child, you are always the one who has to set the final limit..if a situation arises where a choice has to be made...the child always comes first & you can't be angry or resentful..the buck will always stop with you). You may need to look to older experienced subs (yes, those who do not have the hard 20yr old body that looks like the comic book drawings all tied up). The other option ( this is what I hear from experienced men who started young) is that you find "vanilla" women who have submissive natures but are not into BDSM per se. Not tricking or lying but identifying woman who are going to let you take that leadership & protective role because that is their norm. The ones who will be open to experimenting & have the innate tendencies to being the "bottom".

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 6:50:07 AM

Kana

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quote:

" Hi my name is Michael, may I buy you a drink" (feel free to use that or heck.. go for broke and insert your OWN name).

Hey-stop stealing my lines and giving out trade secrets.
Dontcha know you have to be a full fledged card carrying member of the One Twue Doms Union to have access to inner circle info.
Ceeeerrrrrriiipppes, What's the world coming to?

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 8:29:58 AM

Spiritedsub2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

" Hi my name is Michael, may I buy you a drink" (feel free to use that or heck.. go for broke and insert your OWN name).

Hey-stop stealing my lines and giving out trade secrets.
Dontcha know you have to be a full fledged card carrying member of the One Twue Doms Union to have access to inner circle info.
Ceeeerrrrrriiipppes, What's the world coming to?

Ah. This explains why all the Doms I've met are named Michael.

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 9:40:36 AM

searching4mysir

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Aisle 5 at Subs R Us.

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No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 9:46:12 AM

Baroana

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Stay in school.

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 10:03:55 AM

chatterbox24

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quote:

ORIGINAL: houndsman

New to this aney good suggestions on were to find a sub

LoL. How do you get frustration out of this question?

Takes time houndsman, all good things come to those who wait. good luck.

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My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 10:05:22 AM

OsideGirl

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I'm going to add:

Men outnumber women at least 10:1 in WIITWD. Now, add that you don't have any experience. It's going to require patience and you need to understand that the women get to pick and choose because there are so many men. You're going to need to bring your A game.

I would suggest hitting up a couple of books from the book list, particularly The Loving Dominant and Screw the Roses.

Next: I would suggest finding your local community and finding yourself a real time mentor. That way you can see D/s BDSM relationships in action in real life. Also, your local TNG group will have a wealth of information.

Lastly, stop watching porn or reading 50 Shades of Grey as reference materials.

Good luck!

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 10:19:14 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I'm going to add:

Men outnumber women at least 10:1 in WIITWD. Now, add that you don't have any experience. It's going to require patience and you need to understand that the women get to pick and choose because there are so many men. You're going to need to bring your A game.

I would suggest hitting up a couple of books from the book list, particularly The Loving Dominant and Screw the Roses.

Next: I would suggest finding your local community and finding yourself a real time mentor. That way you can see D/s BDSM relationships in action in real life. Also, your local TNG group will have a wealth of information.

Lastly, stop watching porn or reading 50 Shades of Grey as reference materials.

Good luck!

Oh blah Oside, he should read 50 shades and be Christrain in the flesh..........LMAO.

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I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 5:10:48 PM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
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Ditch the labels and seek out people and friendships.

Be patient, interact, do not rely solely on your computer, get out and meet people, and be yourself.

When you least expect it, you will find a sub.

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Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/20/2012 6:53:33 PM

AVegasMaster

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I wish I could help. However as an active Master for almost 40 years, and one who has been on CM for about nine years (Before I moved to Vegas, I lived on the east coast and had a geographicly descriptive nick for that area.) I find it very difficult to find and connect with an acceptable submissive when I am "between engagements."

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RE: new to this having a hard time finding a sub aney s... - 10/21/2012 2:06:22 AM

LonDom61

Posts: 196
Joined: 9/12/2007
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Hi Hound

You're very fortunate. You've had the benefit of some good short answers here and two excellent and extensive ones. One from each side of the slash.

It's pretty common for a Dom, esp a young one, to ask such a question. And they often get abused (much more than the few teases you got here). Take the ribbing in stride (cuz...uh...you deserve it). If that's the price for the advice...you're getting an awesome deal.

I second Oside's (and others') advice about reading and about TNG. I wish that, when I was your age, resources like TNG, Amazon & the selection of books available there, and sites like CM had existed. My life would've been SO much better. (Pretty awesome now, though)

You're impatient. You want results right away. So why don't you put this advice to work right away?

* Impatient after a day? Really? Be more zen about it. It might take a couple weeks. Even a month.
* Good advice here. I checked out your profile a minute ago. Apparently you were just online. But none of the advice about improving your profile had been acted on. Why ask if you don't act on the advice? I won't say "if you build it (a good profile) they will come". But if you don't...they won't.
* You don't say much in your profile. But the order you give is: 1. meet her. 2. play with her. 3. get to know her. That's the wrong order, dude. Hint: #1 is in the right position.
* I just went back to your profile (actually, hit the wrong tab by mistake) and discovered your #4. "and see what happens". What the heck does THAT mean? Maybe a relationship will develop? Maybe you'll call her again for another kinky sex session? And, on another level, you're supposed to KNOW what will happen. Scene-wise anyway.
* The only thing you say about yourself is that you're new. That's not a feature, it's something to make up for. So admit it; it's honest disclosure. But ADD to it. Say something about yourself, the kind of girl you seek (and by that I don't just mean hair color or "who can suck a tennis ball through a garden hose"), etc. Are you only after play partners? If relationship too, then SAY so. And give some clues about that. Paint them a picture. Don't just stick a sign on the wall saying, in effect "New Dom seeks sub to play with"
* Learn to spell. Some subs may not care about that. Many do. You want them to respect you or at least see that you have the potential to be worthy of respect. It's hard to respect someone who can't spell "where". And "a submissive women"? "a" means one. "Women" is plural.
* Perhaps I should add..."plural" means more than one.

I started this really intending to be nice & helpful. I really really did.

Turns out, maybe all I pulled off was helpful. All factors considered, I couldn't pull off nice.

Hound: Don't disregard the above just cuz it's snarky. It's still good advice.

BeMyPrize Lots I knew. Some I didn't. Thank you. LOVED the Alternator/battery (see what I did there?) analogy.

TieMeInKnottss Thank you very much for sharing your experience and perspective. I like to understand submissives in general and my girl in particular. I enjoyed and learned from your account.

< Message edited by LonDom61 -- 10/21/2012 2:36:19 AM >

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