First time nerves...

First time nerves... (Full Version)

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PurrPett -> First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:12:58 PM)
Okay.. I'm sure you've heard this more than once.. But sometimes it is good to have neutral open perspectives! I have met a Dom recently... We talk a lot about what we want and expect, he's very caring and sweet.. And in general we get along well.. He has a lot more experience than me and his range of... Desires & knowledge is leaving me somewhat shaking at the knees! He knows this and is well aware most will be slow exploration for me. Ie: choking - he loves it, I freak at constriction around my neck lol. Terrifying feeling. I am quite shy in general, so the thought of the first session is exciting, worrying and makes me horribly nervous!! Lol His wants aren't necessarily bad (I haven't done so can't comment) & I am open to pushing myself and my limited view point, curiosity is my downfall... I have already racked up a punishment (no surprises to be there lol and I'm ok with that!) I guess I'm just wondering, (sounds silly as I type it!) but for the initial session how far should my limits be tested?? I do have a high pain threshold and have worried experienced Doms before with my willingness to take it... But I like this guy... Do I slow things down & ask him to do the same?? surely for the initial play it's a feeling-out type thing?? Apologies for the "common sense" question... But he is away for a week and i just need a little.. Eyes open feedback while I have the chance!! :-p Thank you! Kat

Baroana -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:14:31 PM)
So, is it just a play partner you're looking for? I'd never let anyone choke me, let alone someone I just met. Edited to add: That worry and nervousness you're feeling is called human survival instinct.

JanahX -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:22:40 PM)
How well do you know this guy? Have you met him in r/l yet? Im assuming you have - No one can tell you how far your limits can be pushed - since no one here I presume has ever been with you. On first play - play until you dont like whats going on - then either say a safe word - or tell him to stop, cause youre not digging it. quote: Ie: choking - he loves it, I freak at constriction around my neck lol. Terrifying feeling. Careful with that one. This is my #1 fetish - and its probably one of the most dangerous fetishes out there. If you quit breathing and he cant get you back - or doesnt know how. Youre done and HE's done. Im with a MD - so he knows what to do if I quit breathing.

Kana -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:33:08 PM)
I never tie a gal on first play. I want her to know she can up an play real hard split at any time. I also almost never play real hard on first meets. Instead I feel her out a bit, gauge her reactions, see if any chemistry exists. I'm not in a hurry. Why should I be. If things go well there will be lots of time to play down the road. What I am about is exploring the dynamic, seeing if anything can happen and exploring the groove that could be. To me, the first play and meet is about finding who and what she is, how she reacts to me and most of all, building trust and a potentially great thing.

Alecta -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:34:21 PM)
never venture into things you've not tried without a safety net with someone you don't personally and physically know. It's as much for your own safety as for his. Imagine, what if you freak out beyond your own expectation at something and attack him without meaning to? :p

PurrPett -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:43:20 PM)
We've talked about the choking.. That is further down the track if it works out! I wouldnt either! Like I say.. Different things.. But I'm not against exploring it later..

PurrPett -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:46:02 PM)
We have met in r/l and get along well... He has said that (re the safe word) but I have a tendency to get carried away and regret later... Okay.. Thank you, guess I have to get my own head straight before it happens! :-)

PurrPett -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:48:39 PM)
Thanks Kana... I like that.. I don't see the need to rush either! Lol.. He is aware I'm inexperienced and is worried about pushing too far.. Maybe I'll suggest the lack of ties and see what he thinks for the initial time. Thank you! Wise words.

PurrPett -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:51:58 PM)
Hm I'm not concerned about attacking him, I'm not that way inclined.. I'm more concerned about taking it regardless and then losing interest afterwards!! It wouldn't be fair on either, it's not his fault for testing and me not saying anything. The choking would evoke a reaction though! Lol Thank you for your advice Alecta!! More to think on lol ;-)

OsideGirl -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 2:59:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PurrPett I guess I'm just wondering, (sounds silly as I type it!) but for the initial session how far should my limits be tested?? They shouldn't. You should just be getting to know each other and figuring out how each other reacts to basic stuff. IMO, limit pushing should only be done between two people that know each other well.

RemoteUser -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 5:45:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PurrPett We have met in r/l and get along well... He has said that (re the safe word) but I have a tendency to get carried away and regret later... Okay.. Thank you, guess I have to get my own head straight before it happens! :-) Know what you want from both him and yourself. If you habitually do things you regret, maybe there's a reason, and you should find out what it is with more emphasis than the play itself. That would be good for both of you.

AnEquinox -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 6:24:06 PM)
The only way I've let someone tie me up that I didn't know was with thread. One strand. If I broke it the play was over. It was great. Forced me to be disciplined. (Actually, there was a threat of punishment, but somehow, I was totally OK with that. But then, it didn't happen.) I love breath play. LOVE it. But it is probably the most dangerous thing I've done. At this point, the breath play that I do is being told to hold my breath for a certain period of time, or having my nose plugged while I'm kissed, or very rough kisses on the side of the neck that constrict. I would say that, ideally, you want your first session to leave you craving more. (And you have planned the quotidian issues of safety? Make sure someone knows where you are, and all that jazz?)

Kana -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 6:51:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: PurrPett I guess I'm just wondering, (sounds silly as I type it!) but for the initial session how far should my limits be tested?? They shouldn't. You should just be getting to know each other and figuring out how each other reacts to basic stuff. IMO, limit pushing should only be done between two people that know each other well. Wise words there O-side

PurrPett -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 7:40:02 PM)
Hmm very good point! ... I will have to think on the regret part.. Thank you for pointing that out!! :-)

PurrPett -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 7:41:43 PM)
.. I have a friend.. We do the same for each other.. Addresses, times and texts there and home again :-) I like the build up ideas for the breath play!! Will steal and bring up with him I think.. Things like that I can do! Lol thank you!! :-)

PurrPett -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 7:44:32 PM)
.. This is true... And where I struggle! I enjoy being pushed, tested.. It's a weird satisfaction for me and also where I need someone that has self control! I will bare what you've said in mind.. Thankyou oside! :-)

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 8:32:46 PM)
The 'testing' in your first session should be both of you testing whether there's chemistry and you can see yourself doing this. You don't need to jump right into pushing limits - you have all the time in the world for that. Try to go into this with the assumption that you'll play again, so there's no rush. It's sensible to go easy the first time. Until you've tried it, you don't know how your expectations of pain levels matches up - his 'medium spanking' could be your 'intense pain' or vice versa. He doesn't know your cues yet and has to learn all the little signs you give off that show your level of excitement/fear/coping. Neither of you can be sure that he won't accidentally do or say something that causes you to freak out because he accidentally reminded you of some past trauma. And you don't yet have the solid foundation of trust to push at limits. I know that makes it sound dull but think about it. There are things I would submit to for my husband that I probably would have left him for had he tried them that first time. Things that seriously scare or disgust me. Because now I'm secure enough in the relationship to know that he plays safe and he will still love me in the morning. Is this going to be a power-exchange relationship outside the bedroom? Or are you just going to play together? Neither is the wrong answer! I was a little put off by the comment about already earning a punishment. Have you already agreed to be bound by this guy's rules? Because to me being punished suggests you have already committed to each other a dom and sub. I don't like the idea of having punishments lined up from day one; surely you should get chance to learn the rules and work on them first? I'd also want the first playtime to be a positive low-pressure experience and starting out with a punishment already sets up the dynamic and puts you under pressure. I'd be pretty upset starting out on negative terms like that, a first punishment is an emotional moment and a bit of a test of a new relationship, I'd be very worried about submitting to this on your first playtime. Punishment dynamics are tricky, and I say that as one of the minority here that approves of them. Now if by 'earned a punishment' you just mean that you are doing a sexy fun 'what a naughty girl' kind of game, then ignore my reservations. That can be hot.

DomMeinCT -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 8:33:12 PM)
He's absolutely in no position to be pushing any of your limits - he's never even met you in person yet and barely knows you. And you've discussed your current limits with him in detail, right?

Baroana -> RE: First time nerves... (10/20/2012 8:39:15 PM)
I believe she stated that they have been seeing each other in person.

OsideGirl -> RE: First time nerves... (10/21/2012 9:59:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PurrPett I like the build up ideas for the breath play!! Will steal and bring up with him I think.. Things like that I can do! Lol thank you!! :-) Keep in mind that the experts say that there is no safe way to do choking play. Many here engage in RACK (risk aware consensual kink), before you ever let him do this to you, you both need to know the risks, the best technique and what to do if something goes wrong. He needs to prove it to you by explaining everything out, not just saying, "Yeah, I know".

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