RE: Celebration of choice... (Full Version)

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KatyLied -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:01:53 PM)

I think it's funny and sad to see people profess in their profiles, journals, or on the message boards that they have found their *one* (or in truth, their *one* for the time being).  And then days or weeks later, everything has changed.  They have a broken heart, or they've been used, or they've been mislead, and much of this occurs naturally -- because how well can you really know a person after a few weeks or months?   I am embarrassed for them.  The "positive experiences" forum is one of the most amusing rooms here.



slavejali -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:02:12 PM)

quote:

How is it those of you in long-term relationshps make them work?


I remember seeing an interview with a couple who had been together for a very long time, cant remember just how long, maybe 50 - 60 years? They were asked, "How do you make a relationship work?" Their answer was a simple "Never go to bed mad with each other or with unresolved issues between you". (like bignipples said). I've remembered that interview and it was so so long ago, I love the wisdom of age and experience speaking.

Well Master and I have been together for 3 years now..we are probably still in the baby stages of our relationship. Some of the things that I see that make relationships work are:

1. Being honest with each other, even over the hard stuff, it develops trust and intimacy and gives your partner the knowledge that "You're in this together come hell or high water".

2. Having fun and relaxing together.

3. Liking your partner as a person.

4. Solving problems together.

5. Wrapping your world up in your partner, they are number one priority over everything.

6. Not discluding your partner from any area of your life.

7. Telling your partner you love them, each and every day.

8. Never speak about your partner in a derrogatory way to anyone else in the world.

9. And even though I can understand that quote in the Op, about not having to show displays of public affection etc...in another way I think its important.  To be very forthright in public about your obvious resepct, admiration and love for your partner (when its genuine) is  an action of having it witnessed. In some kind of subtle way, I think having things witnessed puts your relationship in regards to its interaction in the world and with other people in its place.

10. And I agree with the not going to bed with any issues left unresolved.


Thats all I can think of right now.



Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:06:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
I think it's funny and sad to see people profess in their profiles, journals, or on the message boards that they have found their *one* (or in truth, their *one* for the time being).  And then days or weeks later, everything has changed.  They have a broken heart, or they've been used, or they've been mislead, and much of this occurs naturally -- because how well can you really know a person after a few weeks or months?   I am embarrassed for them.  The "positive experiences" forum is one of the most amusing rooms here.


POP!!!   (oh, sorry) 

'k, we're talking about long-term relationships here; not Velcro collars



KatyLied -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:08:42 PM)

quote:


'k, we're talking about long-term relationships here; not Velcro collars


I did not see any mention in LA's signline referencing a collar of any sort.
Please clarify your hallucination for me.





Kree -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:10:37 PM)

Love and feeling can be expressed between two people in many ways.  For the most part, I feel it is a private thing.  People see it... feel it... when they come in contact with those who have those shared feelings.  If two people share their love with others at times, I feel it is sincere.  If they run through the streets proclaiming it constantly, they arent trying to convince us, they are trying to convince themselves. 



Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:10:57 PM)

Thanks, jali!  I like #8...isn't it amazing how many people 'dis' their partners to others?  Gawd, the way some go on, it's a wonder why they picked 'em in the first place!  I'm with you here...

"To be very forthright in public about your obvious resepct, admiration and love for your partner (when its genuine) is  an action of having it witnessed. In some kind of subtle way, I think having things witnessed puts your relationship in regards to its interaction in the world and with other people in its place. "

THAT is sort of the gist of my OP...I like how you put it. 



Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:17:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
quote:


'k, we're talking about long-term relationships here; not Velcro collars

I did not see any mention in LA's signline referencing a collar of any sort.
Please clarify your hallucination for me.


uhhhhhhhhh ...I was commenting on your post and thought we were on the same page!  I quote you:

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
I think it's funny and sad to see people profess in their profiles, journals, or on the message boards that they have found their *one* (or in truth, their *one* for the time being).  And then days or weeks later, everything has changed.  They have a broken heart, or they've been used, or they've been mislead, and much of this occurs naturally -- because how well can you really know a person after a few weeks or months?   I am embarrassed for them.  The "positive experiences" forum is one of the most amusing rooms here.  (bolding is mine)
 

So, you see...my 'hallucination' was with regard to your discussion of SHORT-term relationships.

 



Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:19:57 PM)

Exactly, Kree, Sir.  And...what do you think about what jali had to say (see her #9)  Is that all about something different, then?  It would be for meeee...   [:)]



Kree -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:29:23 PM)

Bearlee
As per usual, I totally agree with jali's comments.  The idea of not going to bed with issues unresolved is something I have lived for many years.  I dont know where I first heard it, but it stuck in my mind.  If partners allow a small issue to fester it becomes far more important and destructive than it has a right to be.  The resolution might not be fun, but it must be timely. 



KatyLied -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:37:32 PM)

Ok, got ya!  I was confused.





Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 3:43:32 PM)

<giggles>  Number 9, Sir...

"And even though I can understand that quote in the Op, about not having to show displays of public affection etc...in another way I think its important.  To be very forthright in public about your obvious resepct, admiration and love for your partner (when its genuine) is  an action of having it witnessed. In some kind of subtle way, I think having things witnessed puts your relationship in regards to its interaction in the world and with other people in its place."   

I'm curious if you find a difference in this and

"...If they run through the streets proclaiming it constantly, they arent trying to convince us, they are trying to convince themselves." 

Personally...I liked her term 'witnessing' (Though I’m loath to the religious connotations; but that's just me.  LOL )  Still, I see value in that witnessing.
 
beverly



Kree -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 4:59:03 PM)

Beverly,

There are different ways in which people demonstrate their regards for each other.  The idea of "witnessing" for the crowd, isn't my idea of showing feelings.  If the feelings are there, people show them through the respect they offer each other... the interaction between the two... the common bond they exhibit... the manner in which it is apparent that they share common goals, ideals, and the love and regard they each hold for the other.  My point about running through the streets proclaiming their love comes from having watched people who feel a deep need to constantly express/witness for everyone around them.  To me, the subtle manner I mentioned in the first part of this is far more demonstrative than yelling from rooftops.  I stand by my comment.  Say it once... I believe you and respect that you have a relationship.  Yell it out 20 times, and you're trying to convince yourself.  If there is something there, the aura and the glow surrounding the partners involved doesn't require comment.  It's just there.



LadiesBladewing -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 5:06:27 PM)

I agree with you, Bearlee.

One of the things I see often as a pastoral care counselor who works a lot with poly households is that, over time, one of the greatest dangers to the poly relationship is time. As the relationship becomes more "mature", people in the relationship start taking on projects that cause them to spend less time talking with one another and actually -regrowing- their relationship each day. Unless this tendency is caught early on, people grow, but the other(s) that they are relating to don't see the changes happening and don't learn how to adapt to those changes to allow the individuals to grow in parallel -- then, at some point down the road, everyone wonders where the love has gone. It may not have gone anywhere, but the FOCUS has gone elsewhere... and where our focus is, that's where our joy and our energy go, too (just like riding a motorcycle -- the bike goes where you LOOK.)

One of the things I ask clients is how much they're willing to commit to healing their relationship -- because for many famiilies, it means having to trim back on some of the extracurricular time, in order to make time to -be- a family. Otherwise, it's just a house full of people you live with.

Da'Avatar ZWD


www.klashaan.org



Mercnbeth -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 6:52:33 PM)

I can't remember the last day that I didn't tell beth that I love her. Truth be told, I hate her. If it wasn't for meeting her I wouldn't feel empty any second that we are not together. I would not ever know what lonely really felt like when we are apart. I would have continued to argue on the negative, more concrete arguments side regarding the debate over fate. Continued as the cynic, realist, with pragmatic argument against the idea of there being a "soul mate" possibility between two people.

But it's been almost four years from the day where eyes 200 miles apart shared glancing views of on-line ads. Debating the distance, the age difference, and the differences in experience levels, we saw the 'worst case', great Santa Maria BBQ, worth the risk. Acting against all experience driven rule regarding no play and no intimacy on the first meeting; consummating our passion within 3 hours of the first finger touch. Feeling every day as if it's been a lifetime we've shared together; yet at the same time feeling excitement as if it's the first moment.

If you believe it's a negative implication of our life together to say this out loud at every opportunity we offer our humble apologies, and beg to differ.



Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 7:22:03 PM)

Awwwwwww, Kree, Sir…I see what you mean, I do.  And…what I mean is somewhere between the two ways of expression about which you speak.  Okay…perhaps ‘witnessing’ was the wrong word…it IS, after all, for those who witness, isn’t it?  You’re right there; and that’s not what I meant, then.  Lordy, I wish I was better at writing!!!
 
First of all, let me say that perhaps you are more subtle than I, Sir.  I come from a loud, boisterous family; I have three brothers.  We nothing if we are not physical.  Yanno?  I’ve a feeling you are a gentler sort, maybe.  Okay, maybe not gentler…but quieter?  I am not subtle, but still I would not ‘run through the streets proclaiming my love for someone’ nor do I feel the need to ‘witness’ to those around me.  Please, let me try again. 
 
What I am talking about is a constant, perhaps even subtle, celebration of that aura of which you speak.  In my mind it is ‘dangerous’ to only say it once…it is just too easy to get caught up in our lives and find the ones we care the very most about…on the ‘back burner’.  Does that make sense?  I believe, while shouting from rooftops is over the top, we DO need to regularly LOOK at what it is that is important to us…and re-affirm it.  Not for the world, but for ourselves and for those we love.  It keeps focus.
 
<grins>  Yeah… that’s better!  So… are we really so far off, Sir?



Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 7:43:48 PM)

First of all let me say thank you for your work.  I do not ‘volunteer’ much and sometimes I feel badly about that.  I do much for my world otherwise… ah well, explanation is really not necessary, is it?  I just don’t do much volunteer work, really.  So…thank you.  Thank all of you who do it, actually.  I and my family have benefited from your work.
 
Okay then… wow…you work with Poly families?  Too cool!  Still, that ‘maturing’ of relationship is pretty much the case with all relationships, is it not?  LOL   I don’t mean to be ‘preaching to the choir’; I know you understand…this is for MY benefit and perhaps those who are following the thread.  I love that; "the bike goes where you LOOK."  The focus ends up fractured in a million pieces called ‘life’ if we are not careful.  THAT would be why I like to celebrate, and celebrate regularly!  For me, for mine, for those who matter to me.
 
<grins>  This is turning out better than expected.  Thank you so much for helping me with this…



Kree -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 8:22:27 PM)

Bearlee
My comments about shouting from the roof are about those who try to draw a crowd to profess their "feelings".  The interaction between two partners is different.  When they show their feelings to each other in a constant manner, that is a personal thing, not a "try to draw a crowd so we can make them think we care" thing.  The interaction showing the respect and caring I mentioned earlier says a lot more about how two people feel about each other than yelling it in a crowded room.  If it is real, it shows, and doesnt need to draw attention.



Bearlee -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 8:29:05 PM)

Yes, Sir...exactly.  We seem to be caught in a bit of a loop; but I do understand what you are saying.  Thank you.

beverly



lisa1978 -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 8:40:30 PM)

I strongly agree with what is being said. Too often it is couples that seem to go out of their way to tell themselves and other people how happy they are that end up not together soon after. Sort of some defense of doubt and being insecure.

Natural acts of showing our love and devotion to our love ones whether private or public are an integral part of a healthy relationship. It is one of the corner foundations of healthy communications.

Many times though there are what people think are things showing our love and devotion public and private are nothing of the sort but are just manipulative ways to test the significant other to test theirs. If done to truly show your love and not expecting anything in return, important and beautiful. Done to get attention or out of being insecure, relationship is going to have problems.





Submotive -> RE: Celebration of choice... (6/14/2006 8:53:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee



< ~ ~ <wipes egg from face and sighs deeply>


Okay, I did read it wrong............. ever the optimist?    

LOL    Please, disregard the quote and just go with the gist of what I meant...whadya think?


Okay, now i'm REALLY confused. i looked up the word "inversely". It means directly. So that would mean LA's statement means the success of a relationship is directly proportionate to how often it's talked about publicly etc. So - okay - is that what you meant LA?



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