Why can I not find what I want? (Full Version)

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Ebdentfifer -> Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 7:16:01 AM)

I have been searching for a Dom for some time now and although I have had many potentials and surprisingly a lot of them have been good hearted genuine men who deserve only the best, none of them have been suitable for me. I enfd up walking away due to Little imperfections or uncommon interests. I'm starting to wonder if I need to compromise Mr Perfect and settle for something which is less. I am a stubborn person and in life I rarely give in, when I want something I go for it full hearted. I have drive and determination and I find it hard to diverge from that. So the question is, should I settle for less or different to what I want or do I keep looking?



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 7:24:43 AM)

Per your profile you're 19 years old, so you can't have been searching that long, frankly, you're not old enough.

The good things in life take patience, and as you grow and mature you'll (hopefully) realize this.

I think many younger women look for a Mr Perfect, when that person doesn't exist and never will. It's as if their head space makes them determined not to find a man they can love, so they don't.

Basic compatibility in common interests, ethics, and (kink wise) limits, along with good old fashioned chemical attraction is a good falling in love recipe. Until you find that, you work on being the best you that you can be.

Welcome to the discussion side of CM.




Mezrem -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 7:26:32 AM)

According to your own profile you don't know what you want in another person. You may want to take some time to figure this one out before you go looking for Mr. Right.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 7:32:51 AM)

The vast, vast majority of people will not find Mr Right at 19.

It's difficult to say without knowing you if you are just too picky, attracting the wrong types, unlucky etc.

Make a list of everything you want in a partner. Anything from 'Must be kind to animals' to 'wears a goatee' to 'wants a family one day' to 'doesn't bite his toenails'. Then divide up your list into 'things I must have to be happy' and 'things that I can live without'. Be willing to compromise on the second half, don't settle for anyone that doesn't tick every box on the first half.

And seriously, don't rush. You've met some nice guys and probably learned something from each of them, even if it's just 'I don't want that'. That's what life is about.

And when you do meet Mr Right, you won't just realise it on the first date. Rather you'll grow together, start to trust each other... until one day you can't imagine being without them. My husband didn't seem anything special at first, to be frank! I sure as hell wouldn't have married him at 20 if it wasn't for immigration issues.



mnottertail -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 7:40:06 AM)

Perhaps some explications of these imperfections and uncommon interests are in order.  But, I do agree with the overall persnickitiness of the youth thing, to a great degree. 



Thaz -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 11:54:41 AM)

Not to mention a 19 year old sub is likely to draw a fair number of morons after a young thing....



autumnember -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 1:19:02 PM)

Keep on keeping on. If you settle now it is an insult to your partner and you will end up resentful but eventually your priorities will likely naturally shift.



sexyred1 -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 1:19:44 PM)

OP, no offense but you have been on the site two days and you are 19. Both of which show lack of patience.

Let me tell you something: when I was 19 and in college I met the first major love of my life. I was so madly in love I could not breathe without him and him me.

We were together 4 years, explored BDSM, had amazing sex, the whole works. I thought I could not live without him.

And guess what? When I graduated I moved back to my state, he stayed in his state and we tried the long distance thing and it did not work.

I grew bored with him and he moved on as well. I went on to meet other men and each time I thought I was crazy in love, but there was always some fatal issue preventing the relationship from being forever.

Even my marriage, after 10 years ended and then another one over 10 years recently ended. I loved all of them.

My point is that you can ask that question all you want, as we all have done and continue to do, but my advice to you is this:

Compromise on what you can accept and do not tolerate what is not good for you. Never make someone a priority who considers you an option and remember what attracts you at 19 will change as you grow older. Certain attributes are no longer as important as they were then.

Most importantly, learn who YOU are first and recognize you will not be the same woman at 25, 40, and so on as you are at 19.

Just have fun, be safe and be self aware.



absolutchocolat -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 2:18:11 PM)

no need to settle for less, but patience is a good thing. also, once you date a bit, you'll begin to realize what are deal breakers and what imperfections you can live with.



JeffBC -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 2:30:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ebdentfifer
So the question is, should I settle for less or different to what I want or do I keep looking?

How can any of us know that. Everyone has a list of qualifiers that some prospective partner must meet. The tougher they are to meet and the more of them there are the longer it takes to find a partner. That's basic common sense. But who other than you can balance out patience, loneliness, lust, curiosity, and a raft of other things to come up with a best-fit answer but you?

I'll offer you this. Your profile gives up nothing about you or what you want other than "to submit" -- which pretty much doesn't communicate anything. At a bare minimum it'd help if you'd describe whether you're looking for a long term relationship or casual play. You should also elaborate on that "submit" word. Are you talking about sexual submission or lifestyle submission (in or out of the bedroom). It's perfectly fine to not know what you want. Life is an exploration and all that. But it'd help if you gave prospective doms at least some clue. It'd also help if you were honest... so if something like "Must have a white collar career" is a requirement then you should put it there... socially acceptable or not.

What I get from your profile is that you are contemplating being a bottom (bedroom only submissive) and want to "get your freak on". But honestly it really doesn't say much about what you'd hope for in a partner.



crazyml -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 3:11:43 PM)

By way of sincere feedback.

I saw your profile and just assumed you were a fake. The beach pic was the first thing I noticed, then the brevity of your profile text.

I'm not accusing you of being a fake, just playing back my first reaction to your profile.

I'd suggest that you keep the beach pic but include one that's clearly taken in the UK, then I'd suggest you expand your profile text.

If you're still exploring the kind of person you want to meet, don't worry about specifying that, but perhaps you could say a little more about yourself... what is it that makes you a submissive? what kind of work do you do (obviously without giving away any private information), what do you enjoy doing in your spare time... and which of your (pretty comprehensive) list of interests are you most interested in exploring.

Good luck!



evesgrden -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 3:35:50 PM)

There is no such thing as Mr. Perfect.

Well, perhaps during the infatuation phase, and then lo and behold he'll behave like a human.

You're walking away due to little imperfections? Join a convent darlin' because if little imperfections are enough to end a perfectly good relationship, then I'm afraid there'll be no pleasing you.

Life is not a fairy tale, and it's not fair. If you think there's a Mr.Right Domly Dude out there who will sweep you off your feet, know what you want and need, treat you like a princess, and will never tell the same old joke twice, won't belch, or leave the seat up, or or or.... then you're sadly mistaken. Men are as human as women, regardless of which side of the kink coin you play.

Yes, you settle... for reality. I'm sure you have friends and family whom you love, and I'm sure they have faults and you don't abandon them because of that. Doesn't your partner deserve the same? If you're not compatible, if you don't get along, if you have different world views or annoy each other, or don't have any chemistry, then yes you need to end things.

But if the guy you're with has nothing more than little imperfections, count your blessings!

By the way, besides having fairy-tale standards, what size are your imperfections? If you're complaining about little imperfections being enough to end a relationship, then I trust you .. don't have any?

You need to develop some patience, some tolerance, an understanding for compromise. In short.. it's time to stop being a teenager. If you want an adult relationship, then you're going to need to take an adult approach. I can't even begin to address the implications for submission and how far you are from it, at least from what you've displayed here.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 5:16:55 PM)

Agree with above, but maybe not the manner of writing. If you really think you are going to find the love of your life, for the rest of the life, you may have a bit of a surprise in your future.

You might want to settle for someone you like and can have fun with.



Kana -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 6:29:19 PM)

Natalie Keener: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?

Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.

Natalie Keener: Wow. That was depressing.



TallullahHk -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 7:32:10 PM)

Gawd that was a good, yet depressing, movie.



Duskypearls -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/25/2012 9:00:15 PM)

Well said, eve! Too many have unrealistic romantic expectations that hinder them from knowing what is truly important to find in a partner. I suspect our culture has spoiled us rotten. Once upon a time, one looked for, and gladly accepted a "decent" on the inside person. The material and time luxuries our economic success has afforded us in the last 50 years or so, combined with a media that insists on perfection on so many levels, has ruined most of us. We seem to have become so intolerant, judgmental and picky. Too many choices make you change your mind.

Ahhh, just listen to me...how bloody old I sound, but I do wish we could go back to simpler times, when more was required of us, we were able to endure more, and we were happier with far less than most of us have now.



Kana -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/26/2012 4:07:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TallullahHk

Gawd that was a good, yet depressing, movie.

Kinda like life, eh?



GrandMasterChet -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/28/2012 4:28:28 PM)

3 choices 1) lower your standard 2) search forever since I doubt anyone will ever be your 100% perfect man (we are human) 3) get with a woman



FrostedFlake -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (10/29/2012 12:06:37 AM)

If you cannot put what you want into words, the likelihood of finding it is nil.

So, stop what you are doing. Figure out what you want. Then start looking for it again.

Best wishes to you.



SchrodingerSock -> RE: Why can I not find what I want? (11/11/2012 8:35:24 AM)

I cant find anyone either. The mistake is to assume everyone on all websites are genuine (in that they are who and what they say) looking for the same thingie. But it will help if you can string two sentences together, engage in equal conversation regarding what it is your looking for and bake double choc chip cookies flutters eyelashes



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