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So I came out yesterday.... - 10/29/2012 10:51:34 PM

plasticshark

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My brother and I have always had deep, philosophical discussions about a broad range of topics, and especially our various relationships. He's gay. He wouldn't admit to himself, much less anyone else, for a very long time. I was mad for a while, simply because I viewed it as an utter lack of faith in me. Selfish, I know. However, we have been talking about my relationship woes and I realized I've been doing the same to him.

Yesterday at dinner I spilt the beans, so to speak. It felt great. Now, I've been in various D/s-based relationships since college, but it was mostly an offshoot of (back then) the industrial music scene lifestyle and (more recently) me falling into a string of mentoring-type relationships with much younger artist women. At his insistence actually, last year I put together a list of what I wanted and I wound up here and meeting people and really running with it and fully exploring what I want. I grew up in a very feminism-powered household, and so it was previously bad enough that I enjoyed bossing girlfriends around, but it was a big jump to admit that I liked inflicting pain, too.

I confessed all of it. My brother has disliked most of the girlfriends I've had because they would "defer to [me] too often". I could see the tumblers in his brain line up and got a verbal "ooooh!". So we discussed old girlfriends and I told him funny stories and he's been great about it all.

I'm curious about other's stories about "coming out" to friends and family.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/29/2012 11:15:42 PM

littlewonder

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Never had a need to. My private life is just that...private.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/29/2012 11:58:26 PM

myotherself

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To be honest, I've never felt the need to 'come out'. There's only one person who really needs to know my kinky side, and he's the guy I'm doing it with

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 5:34:47 AM

LillyBoPeep

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I've never felt the need to "come out" either. This is stuff I do in private. I dunno why my family needs to know about it.

BUT I'm glad that your brother was so understanding, and I'm reading your post as you trying to make him more comfortable with telling you he's gay. Sometimes the "tell a secret for a secret" method works to build trust, so kudos. =p

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 5:48:53 AM

SailingBum

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Yea I dont share my sexual escapades with anyone....Nor do I want to hear about yours. I really dont care if you like monkey sex.

BadOne

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 5:53:16 AM

Aynne88

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Ha. Hahahaha. Just visualizing telling Ward and June that I like to be beat and fucked whenever I can get it. Yeah not so much. It took them 6 months to realize that being vegan wasn't akin to a cult and they still can't grasp that I am an atheist. Those 2 issues had to come out, so they would understand and respect that I would not be attending church services and why I bring my own food to family gatherings.

They don't need to know how we have sex or who's in charge. Trust me they are happier that way.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 7:28:01 AM

lizi

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It's nice that things went so well with your brother and that the two of you shared something that brought you closer. I don't tell anyone about my intimate life, they wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want them to know, it's private.

There is one person who knows my proclivities and we really never talk about it, it's just part of her body of knowledge about me - not a recurring subject for us to discuss. We usually have other things to chat about that are more interesting...

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 12:34:35 PM

absolutchocolat

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congrats :)

i definitely came out to my parents about being bi, without giving the gory details about kink. they were supportive, as they usually are about everything i share with them.

however, my twin sister knows about the kink part, since i tell her just about everything. i've never felt the need to "come out" to the rest of my family though, since a lot of them are prudes.

< Message edited by absolutchocolat -- 10/30/2012 12:35:19 PM >

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 1:10:42 PM

plasticshark

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In our case it's relevant because we really are very open to each other about just about everything. He came out over ten years ago, and the tone and content of our conversations about life has gotten ever better because he's not actively trying to box those parts into something less specific. I realized I was doing him a disservice by also doing the same thing. I'm not even talking about bedroom activities; I mean the power exchange dynamic in general. When he asks me "what happened with Anna?" I don't have to avoid telling him we had previously agreed on an expiration date. That kind of thing. It's very freeing. Other than him, it's nobody else's business.

The other benefit is that he now feels free to bring me along clubbing with him to meet friends he knows through parties and such. I get to be a part of his life in that area, too.

The only time anything sexual in nature comes around is when he'll send me a text message trying to give me a case of the squicks for humor's sake.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 1:14:10 PM

myotherself

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I think it's great that you have such a good relationship with your brother

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 1:25:15 PM

Jaquin

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It's nice to have someone you can be close and open with, be it friends or family. Personally it's nice to have my family in the loop because it means I can get them to leave me the hell alone whenever I want by simply stating what I'm planning on doing. Their a curious bunch and if they didn't know what I was doing they'd just pry till they knew so it saved me a lot of hassle to tell them.

I hope things continue to grow between you two, while my sister is a fellow kinkster it doesn't mean we got any closer for it - in fact she's been drifting further away. As much as we may hate our siblings some days they are important in our hearts and to have them close is a blessing.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 1:31:00 PM

culareD

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I think it is great that you could come out. I wonder if I would have the same courage...my family is not so understanding. I do believe though, that my my life is nobody's business but my own...it is my choice to tell, or NOT.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 1:42:20 PM

RumpusParable

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Mine was just mentioning stuff as it casually came up in conversation to my sister and mom just like it does to other people sometimes. It was never a secret so I didn't really ever "come out".

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 2:47:34 PM

DesFIP

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I've never felt it necessary to explain my relationships. I allow them to observe it and make their own decisions about it. But basically, it shouldn't be whether or not your partner would be a good partner for them but whether or not your partner treats you well and how you treat them. Is there mutual love, liking, respect? Then that should be all that matters, that you are treated well and thriving.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 3:04:14 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
I've never felt the need to "come out" either. This is stuff I do in private. I dunno why my family needs to know about it.

My personal suspicion is that the "why" has a lot to do with the "what". For me the "what" is not anything involving sex because that's not what we do. Rather it's about the fundamental structure of our marriage which is probably the most significant thing to know about me. So anyone who does not know that doesn't know me or Carol. Accordingly I feel obligated to come out to my friends and family because otherwise they would be strangers masquerading as friends & family.

I suspect that if the "what" was more sexual for me I'd also be more reticent about "coming out".

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 3:26:06 PM

QueenRah

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Most of my friends are GLBT and/or in the scene, already. I've always been very open about my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, likes and dislikes, with my family; so, they already know enough to know, without needing to know, you know?

QR

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 7:38:31 PM

theRose4U

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I think you're lucky to have had this conversation. My brother is still trying to convince the family his "roommate" of over 10 years is straight too. This is the same "roommate" that has been his +1 at weddings, funerals & family dinners all this time. closest we ever came to him telling was me almost kicking my sister in laws ass "for being rude to my brothers wife" neither one corrected me!!
My "proclivities" were discussed as "hey in my will there is a description of a bag you need to make sure disappears without mom looking inside" response "if its drugs I'm using your stash"...um yeah have fun smoking my fluffy bunny flogger!

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 7:47:00 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

Personally it's nice to have my family in the loop because it means I can get them to leave me the hell alone whenever I want by simply stating what I'm planning on doing. Their a curious bunch and if they didn't know what I was doing they'd just pry till they knew so it saved me a lot of hassle to tell them.

Here too.

I came out as bi in my 20s and kinky in my 30s. In neither case did I give details. They needed some context for what was going on in my life. I was happy last February when I went to NELA's Fetish Faire in Rhode Island that I could tell my mom and brother that I was going away for the weekend for a New England Leather Association event and leave it at that and not have to make up a lie.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 9:17:14 PM

SailingBum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

I think you're lucky to have had this conversation. My brother is still trying to convince the family his "roommate" of over 10 years is straight too. This is the same "roommate" that has been his +1 at weddings, funerals & family dinners all this time. closest we ever came to him telling was me almost kicking my sister in laws ass "for being rude to my brothers wife" neither one corrected me!!
My "proclivities" were discussed as "hey in my will there is a description of a bag you need to make sure disappears without mom looking inside" response "if its drugs I'm using your stash"...um yeah have fun smoking my fluffy bunny flogger!

To my way of thinking there is a big difference between telling someone your gay and telling someone the intimate details of your sex life. One is general knowledge the other is stuff I don't want to know about. In much the same way I would not like my parents explaining to me the sordid details of their sex life

BadOne

quote:

it was previously bad enough that I enjoyed bossing girlfriends around, but it was a big jump to admit that I liked inflicting pain, too.

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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RE: So I came out yesterday.... - 10/30/2012 9:54:32 PM

sexyred1

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This would never be a discussion for me. I have enough to discuss with my family on a myriad of topics and my sex life is not one of them.

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Post #: 20

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