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I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 7:47:26 PM   
ShibsStories


Posts: 132
Joined: 1/2/2012
Status: offline 		I know our friendship is not normal. I am ok with that. I am just wondering if it is healthy, and if anyone has come across a friendship like this.

I am going to give reasons I think so, followed by examples.

We horseplay. A lot. I am 5'2 and he is 6'4 and an ex-marine, so this always ends up with me getting my ass kicked(which I honestly enjoy- I would most likely be traumatized if I won.)
He loves to punch me in the arms and used to dead leg me constantly until my physical therapist told me to stop.

He likes to choke me- and I enjoy being choked so I never stop him. He likes to do it randomly and painfully- I hate it when he does it painfully, since I know he knows how to make it nice- but he likes to do it his way.

He has to know everything about the men in my life- there is a mixture of him not allowing me to have secrets/me not being able to keep them from him. -
We were once talking about the guy I was seeing at the time, and he asked a question I did not wish to answer. He could tell I had evaded the question and demanded I tell him. We had a mini battle of stubbornness over this until he told me if I didn't tell him he would ask me again later, shouting it across a room full of people we know.
He does not make idle threats. I caved.

And I sometimes wonder if he has broken me up with some of them, whether on purpose or just subconsciously-
I dated a guy for 4 months once and was head over heels in love-we both were. The guy lived 4 hours away and wanted me to move in with him. After I made the decision I was going to move away and to him, it came up in a discussion I was having with my friend. My friend pointed out I want kids, and this guy did not, and then started pounding that point home that I would regret it down the line. And that I was being cruel to the guy I claimed to love by leading him on.
I broke up with the guy a few weeks later.

He is a control freak and if I break one of his rules I am punished-
He likes his toilet lids always down so his dog can't drink out of them. The last time I forgot, he came downstairs looking pissed, I got that "o shit" feeling right before he came over, grabbed me by the hair and dragged me upstairs to the toilet so I could close it.
(This is a BDSM site so I hope I don't have to point out I am not being abused- I like this stuff)

Among the million other things he is amazing at, he is a genius mechanic. When he proclaimed my last car dead, he turned around and went in with my dad to start looking at Honda civics. Without consulting me.
Naturally I ended up with a Honda Civic. Great car and I love it, not bitching about it, just noticing how he assumed he would be making the decision of which car I was buying me, and I happily let him take control of the situation. It is a stick and while I didn't know how to drive it, he told me no problem, he would teach me after I bought it. And he did :)

If we make the mistake of drinking to the point of blacking out, crazy shit happens. Not sex, but I will wake up with cigarette burns or he will tell me I waterboarded him without the board. I never remember this shit, so have to go on what he tells me as to how the marks got there.

I purposely provoke him to get my kink kick sometimes.
One night I poked an icon on his chest to get his attention- and continued to do so until he told me if I poked him one more time he would punch me a 100 times. I struggled with my self preservation for a bit, and then did so, after making an earlier comment about he couldn't tie me up without me co-operating.
We all know how this ended- with a very bruised and happy me.

So yeah, our friendship is weird.
He is technically an ex- we dated for four months twice in the 4 years I have known him, with the last breakup being mutual and amazing and ending with us hugging and me saying "I got my best friend back!"
The weird thing is when we dated the second time he stopping hitting me. And as soon as we broke up he went straight back to it.


I feel like it might be wrong sometimes. Especially when I am dating someone else( I do give the guys I am dating a full disclosure of my activities with my friend) And I always end up breaking up with them for no reason after a few months. I want to be happy, and have a family someday, and I am beginning to fear I wont be able to do that unless I give up my best friend first.

Thoughts? I know it was a hell of a long read, but this was the only soundboard I could think of that wouldn't dismiss it out of turn as an abusive relationship because of the hitting.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 7:51:17 PM   
JanahX


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Joined: 8/21/2010
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quote:

If we make the mistake of drinking to the point of blacking out, crazy shit happens. Not sex, but I will wake up with cigarette burns or he will tell me I waterboarded him without the board. I never remember this shit, so have to go on what he tells me as to how the marks got there.


You might not want to do this - you might wake up to being on fire.

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(in reply to ShibsStories)
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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 8:01:05 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		i honestly don't know what to call this relationship you two have, but FYI, D/s relationships can be abusive too, and not just physically.

(in reply to ShibsStories)
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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 8:06:55 PM   
ShibsStories


Posts: 132
Joined: 1/2/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

quote:

If we make the mistake of drinking to the point of blacking out, crazy shit happens. Not sex, but I will wake up with cigarette burns or he will tell me I waterboarded him without the board. I never remember this shit, so have to go on what he tells me as to how the marks got there.


You might not want to do this - you might wake up to being on fire.


Not accidental cigarette burns. I woke up one morning with an ouchy back- put my hand back and felt something weird. I went to go look in the mirror and there were four cigarette burns in a line going down my back. Went downstairs to wake that fucker up off his couch.
"Friend... why are there cigarette burns on my back?"
"You didn't believe I would do it."
"Ok... why are there FOUR OF THEM?"
"You're a very stubborn person."

Luckily I had a great bf at the time who was also my Dom, who thought it was funny and nicely put neosporin and slapped a trail of band-aids down my back.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 8:12:50 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Couple thoughts:
Marine, blackout drunk, "you waterboarded me" to excuse cigarette burns...big giant red flag to me. Kink is one thing, uncontrolled rage of ptsd fueled by alcohol is how people end up dead. Sadly more & more common google can give you specifics

He plays with you when not "dating" but stops when you are. What is his explaination for this? I'm guessing some version of whore/madonna thinking

Seems to control choices that you agree to up to and including partners, what does he say his reasoning is?

Biggest red flag I see is alcohol & kink don't go together for reasons past increased bruising. What is your "fun" life like without alcohol?

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(in reply to JanahX)
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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 8:18:40 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Like you know if theyre accidental or not. How the hell would either of you know - youre blacked out.

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 8:36:33 PM   
ShibsStories


Posts: 132
Joined: 1/2/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

Couple thoughts:
Marine, blackout drunk, "you waterboarded me" to excuse cigarette burns...big giant red flag to me. Kink is one thing, uncontrolled rage of ptsd fueled by alcohol is how people end up dead. Sadly more & more common google can give you specifics

I agree- which is why I will stop drinking for several months after such things happen.
quote:


He plays with you when not "dating" but stops when you are. What is his explaination for this? I'm guessing some version of whore/madonna thinking

He explained it as he doesn't think it's cool to hit a girlfriend. I honestly was still confused after the little he gave me on that. It might have just been his way of punishing me for conning him into us using the label bf/gf as he puts it. ( He swears I conned an old man into guilting him into it- I actually just couldn't help but talk very complimentary about him and the old man at the bar embarrassed me by repeating some of it back!) While we were dating it was cool- as soon as the label was slapped on everything went wrong.

quote:


Seems to control choices that you agree to up to and including partners, what does he say his reasoning is?

Along the lines of only having my best interests at heart.
He is a very ends justifies the means kind of guy sometimes.

quote:


Biggest red flag I see is alcohol & kink don't go together for reasons past increased bruising. What is your "fun" life like without alcohol?

The alcohol is a rare thing, he suggests me drinking far more than I actually choose to. The "fun" is regular. There is always the understanding he will have the final say in things, and the fun is either us being playful, in really good moods, or one of us being stressed, and as a form of stress relief.
Or as an offshoot of an argument, me doing something that he chooses to take as irritating him, etc...
We end up relaxed and grinning like idiots.

I have asked him a few times to quit the emotional shit, and fucking with my head, but while he admits he does it he feels no guilt over it and somehow always talks me into it being ok.


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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 8:45:56 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

He explained it as he doesn't think it's cool to hit a girlfriend.


So let me get this straight - he wont hit someone who he labels a girlfriend but everyone else its okay - including yourself because you dont carry his label.
and this is logical why? I dont understand - so a "word" is his reasoning of why its okay or not okay to hit someone? Thats fucking weird.

quote:

The alcohol is a rare thing, he suggests me drinking far more than I actually choose to.


Thats awesome - you got yourself a winner.
Maybe - if youre wicked lucky, next time he suggests this you'll actually get alcohol poisoning and keel over and die. When that happens - you know it was worth the cover charge.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 10/30/2012 9:09:51 PM >

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 8:58:44 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		My guess is he is slowly breaking you down psychically and emotionally. Once he has completely possessed your body mind and spirit he will convince you that you are the ying to his yang. Then you are going to end up in ER over and over again for burn marks whatever....

Neither one of you impress me as being all that stable. WTF your PT has to explain to you that punching in the same place over and over again is NOT a good idea. <Really you couldn't figure that one out for yourself> To my way of thinking BDSM is NOT about causing permanent damage <YMMV> He loves to punch me in the arms and used to dead leg me constantly until my physical therapist told me to stop.

If you want to be his punching bag rock on, as you've now been warned.

I freely admit to doing most of the stuff you have outlined in your OP and much more fun stuff, However NEVER repeatedly or often enuff to where there is concern of causing permanent damage. IE i might punch you in the arm, slap your face, whatever but Im not going to do it 50 times at a crack. The point being it's the severity that is concerning to me.

BadOne


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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 9:18:24 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		eeerr....I have no idea what to think of your "relationship" with him. He even sounds creepy as a friend. But to be honest you sound a bit fucked up too. Sounds like you both might wanna start thinking about stopping the alcohol which is what I think is fueling you both.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 9:20:52 PM   
ShibsStories


Posts: 132
Joined: 1/2/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

quote:

He explained it as he doesn't think it's cool to hit a girlfriend.


So let me get this straight - he wont hit someone who he labels a girlfriend but everyone else its okay - including yourself because you dont carry his label.
and this is logical why? I dont understand - so a "word" is his reasoning of why its okay or not okay to hit someone? Thats fucking weird.

quote:

The alcohol is a rare thing, he suggests me drinking far more than I actually choose to.


Thats awesome - you got yourself a winner.
Maybe - if youre wicked lucky, next time he suggests this you'll actually get alcohol poisoning and keel over and die. When that happens - you know it was worth the cover charge.


lol, I agree with that, which is why it has been a long time since I have gotten that drunk with him. And have no current intention of doing it in the future.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 9:33:14 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		I feel you like the attention and he likes you. The horseplay seems like just a symptom of those two combined and it enhances your attention need and he feeds it. The cig burns would cut the cake for me but sounds like a type of punishment from him to you.

You say it is a on/off bf/gf thing....what makes it off? Is he jealous? Overbearing? You're just not attracted to him that way? I was reading an article about male/female friendships and the results showed that most all the women wasn't attracted to the men that way and the men were very much attracted to the females. Is that what is going on?

To me, none of it sounds domly in that effect. Sounds like he likes being the man to his little woman, you.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 9:40:36 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShibsStories


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

quote:

If we make the mistake of drinking to the point of blacking out, crazy shit happens. Not sex, but I will wake up with cigarette burns or he will tell me I waterboarded him without the board. I never remember this shit, so have to go on what he tells me as to how the marks got there.


You might not want to do this - you might wake up to being on fire.


Not accidental cigarette burns. I woke up one morning with an ouchy back- put my hand back and felt something weird. I went to go look in the mirror and there were four cigarette burns in a line going down my back. Went downstairs to wake that fucker up off his couch.
"Friend... why are there cigarette burns on my back?"
"You didn't believe I would do it."
"Ok... why are there FOUR OF THEM?"
"You're a very stubborn person."

Luckily I had a great bf at the time who was also my Dom, who thought it was funny and nicely put neosporin and slapped a trail of band-aids down my back.


Your boyfriend at the time, who was also your Dom,thought it was funny that your best friend, who is not offically your Dom, put 4 cigarette burns on your back without you knowing it.

You let him control you, you let him scare your boyfriends away. Do you have sex with him?

Sweetheart, it sounds like this guy is a psychopath who has met his soulmate.

You are asking for validation for this fucked up relationship when you obviously like it.

It sounds incredibly abusive to me, but I am not the one posting or in that relationship.

Oh, and just so you know...someone used a cigarette on me ONCE against my wishes (I was tied up) and I ended up in the hospital almost dying from an infection.

Be careful.

(in reply to ShibsStories)
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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 10:37:56 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going to ditto on sexyred. Military in general & marines in particular teaches men to become good machines...its not really good & returning them in one piece as fully functioning plays well with others individuals. Questions that would reveal more about his specialty would risk revealing you both but I'm going with others that say sadist with some screws loose.
Dom that would find anyone leaving burns on his sub funny is more than a little twisted to me as well.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 10:52:12 PM   
ShibsStories


Posts: 132
Joined: 1/2/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you annie, your post helped me clarify a few things in my head.
Thinking about it, I do enjoy the attention and I can see him still liking me.
We both now know it would never work though, so I do not like to think about it.

Not jealous or overbearing.
Reasons it didn't work... he travels a lot for work- to the point where he is in town maybe one week a month. He would try to text or call me at least once every 3 days but I would get lonely and depressed and was unhappy.
He is a brilliant and amazing guy, who is deep down nice and good, and will do anything for someone he cares about- but he is afraid people will take advantage of him and so the surface is a giant asshole. Picture Dr.Cox from scrubs. Shit gets annoying.
We both have many many many many other issues.(as a few people were polite enough to not come out and bluntly say, I am a wee bit fucked up)
-this one is ugly and whiney, but fuck it, anonymity and all that...
I have come to the realization I have abandonment issues and seem to have it in my head that once I care enough about someone they can hurt me, it's time to run away. As my friend he is a constant in my life and I don't see the risk of losing him. ie men I date are transitory, friends I can keep in my life.

Very dysfunctional I know.
I am just trying to clarify it in my head and think it through so I can figure out what to do and stop being so damn depressed all the time.

To red- no, no sex. The psychopath thing is pretty funny though.

To rose- from what little he will tell me, he saw and went through a lot of fucked up shit. I hadn't considered how it would reflect in terms of our interactions, I will have to go read up on it.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 11:17:32 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Ok, I just figured out what this scenario reminds me of....Jack/Tyler and Marla in Fight Club.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 11:46:39 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah the waterboarding comment is what hit me hard. I have a lot of military in different parts of my life, some got back more complete than others. Thing that's popping up for me is the 2 that pulled & discharged weapons on people worked in the prisons & later were diagnosed with roaring cases of ptsd.
The "asshole so people won't hurt me" is another big symptom.

I'm all for kinky, sadist or whatever if its a conscious consentual decision. Problem is using others to "work out your crap" isn't ok in my world.
This "I'll hit you & put out cigarettes for fun" but run away at the mention of girlfriend is odd as well.
Default in my mind is he's a psycho that found the punching bag of his dreams, problem in my mind is he blacks out & kills you...it makes both the military & kink worlds care about look bad.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/30/2012 11:57:41 PM   
LonDom61


Posts: 196
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline 		He`s really a smart, funny, considerate, tender puppydog flower of a man. (Who was taught by the government how to subdue, maim and kill...enemies of his country.)

But he`s worried about people taking advantage of that. Taking advantage of the puppyflower. Not the trained killer. (HE is worried about OTHERS hurting HIM)

So he protects his inner flower...

...by being a twisted, sickly violent, psychologically manipulative utter scumbag.

...but only when you`re not his `girlfriend`. Or when you are his girlfriend. I don`t quite have that straight.

But that`s sometimes or usually ok. Because you sometimes or usually like it.

And you run away from others (Doms, boyfriends, others) just as they`re getting `close enough to hurt you`.

...uhh....

YKINMK and everything. But... This seems like some seriously fucked up shit to me.

If he`s away for 3 weeks out of 4, my advice is for you to pack up & disappear one of those times. Like 5 or 6 states away disappear.

That `break you down til you`re his creature`thing mentioned above... Whether or not that`s true, you should gtfo of there.

My 2c worth anyway.

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/31/2012 10:50:50 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Judging from your profile and the nature of this post I am assuming this is ?fiction?

Is that correct?

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RE: I think my best friend might be my Dom - 10/31/2012 10:55:05 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		aaawww crap. Ignore my advice earlier then.

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