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How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 9:06:07 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		OK, please don't take this the wrong way, but part of me is a bit embarrassed that I want to be a sub. It propbably seems a bit deviant to most normal people.

I ask this to those of you who have been in the lifestyle for a while

1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?

2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?

I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.

I'm sure most of you have at some point wresteled with this, and I realize I will get a wide range of answers. I just hope that by hearing the various answers I might be able to get a grip on how I will balance my interest in this lifestyle with my "normal" life.

I apologise up front if this seems like a ridiculous question, but it does cause me some stress.
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 9:14:18 PM   
KyttynTheMynx


Posts: 4880
Joined: 5/10/2006
From: Moosecrotch, Va
Status: offline 		I dont hide it, but at the same time, I dont line up the dancing girls and neon lights and shout it from the rooftops. I dont have a fear of people finding out either. Whatever happens, happens, at this point. If people think worse of me because of how I get off, well I am better off without them in my life. *shrugs*

My mother knows, but only because she asked me where I had met the man I was involved with for a while, because she was looking for a good place to meet a man. LMFAO. I brought it up again because I had some bruising on my shoulders, and didnt want to freak her out, or cause her to get the pistol thinking someone had been bad hurting me. Anytime we talk about it, she just chuckles and says, "Now I have no clue who your dad is. Youre a lil freak, and I know you aint get it from me!". No big deal with her. Dad on the other hand...I would rather pretend that I am still a virgin as far as he is concerned.

My friends for the most part if I disclose it to them (for instance, it was kinda brought up during the 50 Shades phase a few months back) they are more curious than weirded out. I choose my friends pretty well.

_____________________________

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The next time you think I give a fuck, remember the 3 F's... Unless you are Feeding me, Financing me, or Fucking me, I don't give a fuck!!

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10 Miles of Hot Chocolate Lovin'.

(in reply to CougarRick)
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 9:26:38 PM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline

quote:



I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.






Won't they be on equal footing?

And I'd they are Dominant, then they will really enjoy you.

_____________________________

*Smitten fox* that's all you need.

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 10:00:08 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Couple thoughts:
Munches are held in restaurants usually in party rooms. If you are seen in the bar, you're there for a meeting (true but doesn't fill gaps). Someone you know in the munch...they are kinky too DUH!!

Work discretion is a good idea. Certain jewelry like infinity collars occasionally get the knowing grin or nod. Only one time did I reveal in my professional life, a sub that worked for me broke her collar & was beside herself at the idea of getting in trouble. I had to whisper domly things in her ear to get her head around where she was. Necklace was repaired & sent a note home with her requesting her owner remind her the thing around her neck isn't the collar that controls her...as punishment she was without jewelry for a week while remembering his control of her doesn't depend on a necklace.
Holiday party that year was fun playing spot the kinkster...suprisingly there were A LOT at that company!!

This isn't a brand on your forehead everyone can see. There is no kink detector the average person has...the ones asking probing questions are likely kinky as well!!

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 11/1/2012 10:02:26 PM >

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 10:40:31 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?

I strive for discretion in my personal and sexual life, as I believe most people do. Plus I'm a private person, you have to get to know me fairly well before I trust you. This means I have many friends and acquaintances who don't know, since I don't advertise it. Am I afraid of them finding out? How? I have a face picture up here, people who know me can "find me out" but then that means they have an interest as well.

I've learned to not sweat the small stuff. Having some random acquaintance know I'm kinky is small, to me.

2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?

My good friends know, b/c they are kinky too. My sisters know, and don't understand it (ho hum). I don't really need others to validate who I am.


I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.

I live in a small town, so I've been to munches and play parties and met people there who knew me from work or whatever. It's really no biggie, if they are at a munch, then they are kinky too. It's a reason to make connections, not be mortified.


If you are mortified, then (in my mind) you have issues with who and what you are. You are going to need to resolve those at some point. This is why your thread starts with a lame question about balance. It's not a balancing act to me, as I've integrated that part of me into who I am long ago.

I'm sure most of you have at some point wresteled with this, and I realize I will get a wide range of answers. I just hope that by hearing the various answers I might be able to get a grip on how I will balance my interest in this lifestyle with my "normal" life.

I've never wrestled with this in the least. It's who I am, and I accept who I am, it's part of being able to love yourself. Loving yourself is necessary for good emotional health (JMO). Plus I'm very much an "I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about me" person. I'm good with who I am, *that's* what matters. The opinions of random people I don't know all that well doesn't.

I apologise up front if this seems like a ridiculous question, but it does cause me some stress.

I'ts causing you stress b/c you need to resolve those issues and integrate this part of yourself into who you are. Work on that.

_____________________________



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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 10:58:05 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U
Someone you know in the munch...they are kinky too DUH!!


I hear people say that a lot, but is it possible for a mere bypaser to figure out what is going on? Also, if pictures are taken at a munch or event surely people can find them on the net (and expose someone without exposing themselves)

(in reply to theRose4U)
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 11:07:47 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
If you are mortified, then (in my mind) you have issues with who and what you are. You are going to need to resolve those at some point.


Well that is the big issue. I think I have felt this way for a long time, but only recently started really exploring it. Hopefully with time I will become more comfortable with who I am




quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
This is why your thread starts with a lame question about balance.




Yeah, uhm...sorry about that. I realize it must sound lame as hell, and I apologise for asking what appears to be a lame question. I just don't know how to come to terms wth this and so I had to throw it in here. I didn't mean to be annoying and apologise if I was.



quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Loving yourself is necessary for good emotional health (JMO).



I realize that, it's just that I have been brought up in a very vanilla world, so who I am inside is what I have always been conditioned to beleive as "deviant". It's hard to realize that you are what has been considered "abnormal" your whole life. I just sometimes wish that I was more normal.



quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
I'ts causing you stress b/c you need to resolve those issues and integrate this part of yourself into who you are. Work on that.


Working on that. Part of what I am doing is becoming familiar with sites like this and talking to likeminded people. It helps to realize that others are like me.

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 11:26:10 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		FYI, at munches, people typically don't wear clothing or gear that brings attention to themselves. so your level of paranoia at the idea of going is probably for naught. i'm with CP, i think rather than worry about "outing" yourself to the circle of people around you, you need to be more comfortable with your kinky side. it might take some time, but that's far more important.

as for me? i don't go around announcing it, but i'm certainly not afraid of being found out. it's a need to know sort of thing. i think a munch could do a lot to ease your mind about things.

(in reply to CougarRick)
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 11:32:25 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

OK, please don't take this the wrong way, but part of me is a bit embarrassed that I want to be a sub. It propbably seems a bit deviant to most normal people.

I ask this to those of you who have been in the lifestyle for a while

1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?

The only people we worry about would be those who could cause an issue with My other half's career. He's got too much time in to screw it up now. Just a few years off from retirement. Once that happens, there won't be any worries.


quote:

2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?
The only category that matters other than those two *might* be co-workers/business associates. I don't particularly advertise it at work, but I've had plenty of co-workers who did know that I was kinky, poly, and sadistic. However, those were folks that I also considered friends.

There was nothing for them to "take". I'm big on not shoving My kinks down people's throats, so it's not like they get the play by play if it makes them uncomfortable. I do, however, think that goes over a bit easier for a Dominant/sadistic woman than it does for a submissive/masochistic woman.


quote:

I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.

Why would you think they would find out unless they were in the same establishment for the same reason? It's not like they get a big rubber stamp and label "kinky" on your forehead when you get to the restaurant.


quote:

I'm sure most of you have at some point wresteled with this, and I realize I will get a wide range of answers. I just hope that by hearing the various answers I might be able to get a grip on how I will balance my interest in this lifestyle with my "normal" life.
Nope. Never wrestled with it. The first person who brought Me to a munch was more for My curiosity than anything else. I've gone to group dinners/coffee for other reasons and the only difference is what the people have in common.


quote:

I apologise up front if this seems like a ridiculous question, but it does cause me some stress.
What did I tell you about that?



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to CougarRick)
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/1/2012 11:36:43 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Do you really think you are deviant?

I don't think *I* am, I'm merely on the outer fringes of what is considered normal. I'm good with that, since I tend to be on the outer fringes of normal in most aspects of my life.

(To me, deviant is liking children, or animals, or something along those lines.)

In any case, that's what you have to resolve. Are you normal? How are you going to live with that and resolve that so you can become a fully integrated person. Of course this takes time, you can't just snap you're fingers and be good to go.

That you are thinking about these things is a good sign. It means you know you have issues to resolve, so you'll get there.

But I really, really, wouldn't worry about going to a munch. Every munch I have ever attended has been incredibly low key about the kink. No pictures, no last names, no forward type questions, unless and until you get comfy with a specific person. That's been my experience, other's mileage may vary.

_____________________________



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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 12:16:43 AM   
BoundSlave4Life


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?
No. I've known I was meant to be a slave since I was too young for most people to believe. Every one of my friends knows who I am and what I'm like. Most of them even have me as a friend on Fetlife. I'm not really scared of people finding out because this is who I am, what I live, and my life.


2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?


Yes.
I had a kinky friend who had been in the lifestyle for a fraction of the time that I have been in it, and she told me that I was wrong for wanting to be a slave and that I should want to do more with my life. She is no longer my friend.
I have a friend who was completely vanilla (Boarder line prude) and she was COMPLETELY understanding of my lifestyle choice and that I wanted to live my life as I do. She didn't completely understand my mindset, but she went and read books to understand why my mind works the way it does and why I desire to serve. As a result, she's now interested and learning about the lifestyle. Master and I are able to be completely ourselves in front of her, and things aren't uncomfortable at all.
When I told my mother she looked like she was going to cry but she also asked me "Is that what you really want?" and she's supportive of it as well. Granted, she doesn't like it when I call Master "Master", or wear my collar in front of her, and Master allows me to respect that.


Moral of the story?
People may react COMPLETELY different from what you may expect of them.


Side Note - My brain is completely addled right now. I hope the general idea came though. Lol

(in reply to CougarRick)
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 3:36:03 AM   
MollyButts


Posts: 24
Joined: 10/31/2012
Status: offline 		1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?

Yes i do keep it a secret from people i know in real life , people at work,school ,etc and of course family , acually its not that i keep it a secret i am just discreet about my sexual life

2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?

No,it probably hurt my parents if they knew

I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.

Thats why i dont go out to many of these events and meeting people on sites like this is more ideal for me


(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)
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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 5:07:00 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		First off, you use the terms real life and "normal" life. I prefer the term vanilla.

I try to set up firewalls. My coworkers, family, and friends know nothing about my sex life, nor should they. They know Tasha is my partner, nothing more.

Kink people generally don't know my last name.

You've spent months fretting about going to a munch because you think everyone there is dressed head to toe in leather and has loud flogging sessions on the tables. Just get the hell out there and quit wasting your own time.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 6:36:12 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick
1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?


What is there to find out? To outsiders, most D/s relationships can look very vanilla. It's not like your Domme is going to keep you on a collar and leash every time you go out in public. And what you do in private is nobody's business but your own.

quote:


2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?


Why would you let them know? What purpose would that serve? Do you let them know the details of your sexual activities in your vanilla relationships? Then why would the details of your love life in a D/s relationship be any less private?


quote:


I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.


As others have said, munches are quite mundane. Nobody will be dressed in leather or latex. It's just people having a meal in a restaurant or diner. There is nothing that should draw the attention of any of the other patrons in the establishment. And if a friend or professor or employer is there, then they are clearly as kinky as you are, so there's nothing to worry about from them. After all, a professor or an employer probably has far more to lose than you do if you were to expose their little secret.

This is an area that often concerns newbies. But I can assure you that the BDSM community is very serious about discretion. If anyone outed someone else in the community, they would literally become an outcast from the entire community. Most people don't want that.

Just to share a bit of personal perspective, i've been actively involved in the BDSM community for over 20 years. I've never been "outed". The worst thing that has happened has been that my sister has told me that I'm really "pussy whipped", and that I seem to be attracted to "really bossy women who expect me to wait on them hand and foot". But we just laughed about that, and she never knew anything beyond her assessment.

I can accept my family thinking that I'm "pussy whipped". They don't need any details beyond that.


< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 11/2/2012 6:39:06 AM >

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 6:55:02 AM   
littleone14


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline 		The timing of this post is perfect. I'm pretty new to all this, and just last night I was googling local munches. I'm planning to go to one next week, but the thought of being outed had crossed my mind. I know someone who works at the restaurant where the munch is being held, so was worried about that. Funny thing is, he's a drag queen. He's obviously comfortable with being himself, so not sure why I think he would judge me. After reading this thread I'm having to laugh at myself.......

< Message edited by littleone14 -- 11/2/2012 6:58:24 AM >

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 7:05:00 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		@littleone14: If he were to out you, he'd be fired and have a very hard time finding another job. Plus, drag queens tend to be pretty open minded and tolerant.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 7:06:19 AM   
littleone14


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline 		At Dark Steven - I know. That's why I'm laughing at myself...... =)

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 7:19:42 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

@littleone14: If he were to out you, he'd be fired and have a very hard time finding another job.


Exactly! The other patrons won't know what the munch is, but the restaurant manager/owner definitely will. He or she probably appreciates the fact that the BDSM group spends money in their restaurant on a regular basis, and they probably won't be very happy with any of their employees who do anything to hinder that cash flow.

Also, earlier in the thread, someone mentioned a fear of being photographed at a munch. Taking pictures is usually prohibited at both munches and play parties, so that isn't something that anyone should be worried about. Besides, if they took your picture at a munch, all they would have is a picture of you eating a sandwich at a diner with a few random people. How is that the least bit incriminating.

Newbies always worry about these things, but there's really nothing to worry about.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 11/2/2012 7:21:16 AM >

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 7:23:22 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		fast reply

I've never been in a situation where I've had to decide whether to hide it or be open. My relationship with my husband looks pretty ordinary from the outside. He is the boss, but so what? Lots of vanilla relationships have one person who 'wears the pants' so to speak. We don't do anything that would look inappropriate in front of our grandparents. The stuff that would make you say 'whoa, they're kinky!' is for our eyes only anyway.

My friends and family don't need to know about my sex life. Everything else? See above.

That said, I never attended any social occasions in my old home town because of my job. I worked for the police in domestic violence. Now I know, you know, everyone here knows, that there's a big difference between BDSM and domestic violence, but it wasn't worth putting myself in an awkward situation having to justify that distinction to a superior if I was outed. Chances of it happening were slim to none of course, but I was never all that bothered about going to parties or munches so it was no hardship. More significantly I was worried about being recognised by one of my clients or their partners - sadly some of my clients were not in the right mental position to put everything into perspective and it would have caused a lot of complications and blurring of professional boundaries. As for the offenders, I have no doubt I would have had my sexual preferences yelled out in a courtroom if I were recognised.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 7:23:39 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KyttynTheMynx

I dont hide it, but at the same time, I dont line up the dancing girls and neon lights and shout it from the rooftops. I dont have a fear of people finding out either. Whatever happens, happens, at this point. If people think worse of me because of how I get off, well I am better off without them in my life. *shrugs*


This.

Generally speaking, I choose who I tell based on the relationship we have. For instance, I don't tell my coworkers about my sex life. They just don't need to know, although I doubt any of them would be surprised if I said, "oh, by the way, I'm a sadistic dominant who likes to chain people to my bed and flog them." If I saw a coworker at a munch, I wouldn't have a problem with it and it's not like they could out me without outting themselves in the process. Even if they were just passing by, my coworkers all know I'm into the Goth, Steampunk, and Cyberpunk genres and that I'm a LARPer so I could, literally, wear anything that's street legal, no matter how obviously kinky, and they wouldn't blink.

My parents don't know and don't want to know. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in our relationship and I'm okay with it. If my parents discovered my kinky proclivities, I wouldn't like making them uncomfortable, but I wouldn't be ashamed of myself either.

My husband and friends are all just as freaky as I am. I met several of my friends here or on FetLife. I think they're okay with my kinkiness.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
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