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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 7:29:14 AM

littleone14

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

Newbies always worry about these things, but there's really nothing to worry about.

I think its part of being a newbie. At least in my case, after decades of not acknowledging this part of me (I'm in my mid 40s) my brain keeps popping out all these questions. What ifs...... I know they are really not things I should worry about, but they keep popping up.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 7:38:38 AM

sexyred1

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If you perceive of yourself and what you are into as deviant, that is a problem.

If you feel you have to share your proclivities with everyone in your life, that is up to you, but I don't reveal my sex life to my family, work or just acquaintances. My good friends know, but most of them are vanilla and they don't really ask a lot of questions.

If you feel going to a munch is going to out you, go to a much; everyone there looks like they are about to play bingo at some church.

Being into BDSM does not brand you, there is no scarlet B on anyone.

You need to work on your perception of yourself, before you worry about the world's perception of you.

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 8:14:21 AM

theRose4U

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U
Someone you know in the munch...they are kinky too DUH!!

I hear people say that a lot, but is it possible for a mere bypaser to figure out what is going on? Also, if pictures are taken at a munch or event surely people can find them on the net (and expose someone without exposing themselves)

Anyone walking by it looks like a cocktail party or meeting (one of ours is held in IHOP). Unless you're up close its a meeting.
Only hints I ever saw was girl on floor, mate on chair. Other was a wanker pissing people off assuming every woman in attendance was interested in him. When one of the bull males started turning purple, wanker got to buy a round of blow job shots & offered individually as an apology...that looked a little weird (guy on knees offering shots to women). Still no stranger than most bars on a weekend.

They will only eat you alive if you offer yourself as a meal!! The idea is to meet others & network. Only difference from job fair or work thing is boobies are dressed for drinks!! Anyone you know there is also kinky so the fear of blackmail swings both ways.
Most events I have attended cameras were frowned upon or prohibited. Likelyhood of net pics from a munch is slim. You shoud realize cops, military, government officials, hollywood types & politicians are in this lifestyle, discretion is part of the deal. Read the off topis on celebrity kinksters for confirmation...those in a position to know for sure don't tell!

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 8:39:41 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MollyButts

I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.

Thats why i dont go out to many of these events and meeting people on sites like this is more ideal for me

I have to say that I don't understand your perspective.

Most of the local BDSM groups that I've been involved in have a vetting process. So random people can't just attend their play parties and private events. Those who do go are kinky just like you. More importantly, they're sworn to secrecy. So there's not much risk there.

As I stated in a previous post, munches are totally innocuous. There is no risk whatsoever in attending a munch.

Contrarily, you have a face pic posted on a profile on a kinky site on the internet. Anybody can find it. There is no vetting process. There is no security. There is no pledge of secrecy.

The internet is the LEAST secure place if you're concerned about being outed.

Do you see the error in your logic?

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 11/2/2012 8:47:06 AM >

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/2/2012 12:35:28 PM

Tantriqu

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Joined: 12/29/2006
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I ask this to those of you who have been in the lifestyle for a while

1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?
Just like vanilla sex, it's nobody's business what happens behind closed doors, and I'm careful to choose partners, not one-night stands, who would have no vested interest in blabbing about what I did to them last night [and early this morning ;-)]. Remember, Dommes face the same social judgment as male subs, but it's more about being a good person in public rather than sexual roles.

2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?
Anyone who knows me knows I am not submissive, and I would never date anything other than a polite, smart, funny man who is neither an uber-alpha male nor a casper milquetoast, in public or private.
There are only a few close friends for decades who known JUST how dominant I am and what I do to good men behind closed doors; I was tentative and sketchy at first, but instead they're excited/titillated/jealous to hear what I get up to, and several have quietly requested voyeur/voyeuse roles.
My family just think I'm too picky!

I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.
My mileage varies. I've lived in a couple of cities where the munches were great, low-key affairs: Sydney, Australia, I *love* ya!
However, the one I attended most recently was exactly what one wouldn't want; straight and gay leather-clad and daddy doms braying and strutting in a 'private' room in a restaurant; I didn't stay to eat.
I work in an extremely gossipy place, and a month later overheard someone talking about going to that place on the weekend for brunch and describing exactly what I had seen earlier. A munch is one place I need a vanilla exterior!
So like many here, I would try it, but be ready to stay or go.
Good luck!

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/18/2012 1:38:54 PM

UrNatalie

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Once I opened that lifestyle to myself I felt very natural and comfortable with who I am. I felt easy telling my mom, friends, ex fiance (explained why it didn't work). I don't announce it on the street, but at the same time I am definitely not ashamed of it. My friends reaction was different. Some understood and some trying to. I didn't tell those who are super narrow minded, because that would be waste of time and energy. I didn't tell my dad, because...well, he has a heart condition and there's no need for him to know that his little daughter likes to be caned and chocked on dick, lol:D
When I tell people what it is I'm into, I mostly explain the dynamic of the relationship. I explain, "You have always guarded your body and mind from getting hurt, imagine the respect, trust, and love between me and my Sir that allows me to loose the guard and give myself completely". Usually I go easy on a sexual aspect, lol:)

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/18/2012 2:31:29 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick
1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?
2:Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?
I used to be really paranoid about people knowing. But my close friends, vanilla as well as kink, just talk about stuff so now my really close vanilla friends know and are cool with it. My sister knows, but the rest of my family does not. There's really no reason for them to know.

I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.
I've been going to munches now for awhile and no one I don't want to know about my kinkiness has found out. Of course, the waitress we normally have just happens to be kinky also. Lucky us!

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/18/2012 2:41:34 PM

chatterbox24

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FOr HEavens Sake ...........lol......what is deviant about being a sub? Being a sub is really pretty domestic, unless your into some really bizarre stuff. Whats a bit deviant about wanting to please? I wouldnt broadcast, but everyone has a skeleton or two in their closet. If they do find out, they might just find you more interesting. At least the cool ones.

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/18/2012 5:52:16 PM

SeekingTrinity

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quote:

1:Do you keep it secret and do you ever fear people finding out?

I tend to be a private person by nature, so I really dont make it a policy of putting my personal affairs in the face of others. There are those who are in the "need to know" category who know what I am and there are those in the "dont need to know" category who only know me as me. Do I fear people finding out? No, because I dont feel like Im doing anything wrong that I need to worry about being found out. If it happens, it happens. No big deal. I choose to not let the fear rule my life or make me not live the way I want to live.

quote:

2: Do you just let your freinds/family know and how do they take it?

My family does not know. They know I am an assertive female who runs the show when it comes to my world. They just arent aware of how deep down the rabbit hole really is

I think of it this way, I certainly wouldnt have vanilla sex with my partner right there on the table at Thanksgiving Day dinner in front of everyone either, so what I choose to do behind closed doors isnt really their business either. This isnt as difficult as I think you are making it in your own mind. The only friends who know about my interest in BDSM are involved in BDSM themselves, so it doesnt bother them at all and they take it quite well. Vanilla friends fall under the same conditions as I treat family.

quote:

I want to start going to events in my area (munch's and such), but I would be mortified if any of my "normal" freinds or professors or employer ever found out about this side of me.

If you happen to attend a munch and run into someone you know, they are there for the same reason you are there. So its really not the big deal that you might think it is. I get this sense from reading what you have written that there is some shame you feel for being who you are. My question is...what is there honestly to be ashamed of?

quote:

I'm sure most of you have at some point wresteled with this, and I realize I will get a wide range of answers. I just hope that by hearing the various answers I might be able to get a grip on how I will balance my interest in this lifestyle with my "normal" life.

I realized long ago that I was wired differently and I embraced who I am for what it was. Im doing nothing wrong, I just happen to express myself differently. I have a sense of pride because I am living my life the way I was meant to live it. There is NOTHING wrong with embracing your true nature. In the beginning, I did struggle with it. But I realized that I was my own worst enemy on this and I was making things way harder on myself than they needed to be.

You keep referring to this lifestyle and "normal" as mutually exclusive. That tells me you honestly havent come to terms with this in your own mind and until you do, its going to be a very difficult road to walk. You are wanting to balance who you are on the inside with what is socially acceptable to people on the outside. And if you are living your life only to please others, its not living.

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/18/2012 7:01:43 PM

VioletViolence

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The thing is, I've always believed that kink is way more "normal" than any of us can admit. There's not many people running around broadcasting their sexuality to the world and the ones who are, are usually on the more extreme ends of the spectrum. When you realize that the person sitting next to you on the bus is probably just as much of a "deviant" as you are, you start to feel a whole lot less like a deviant.

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RE: How do you balance your BDSM life and your real life - 11/18/2012 8:27:50 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

The timing of this post is perfect. I'm pretty new to all this, and just last night I was googling local munches. I'm planning to go to one next week, but the thought of being outed had crossed my mind. I know someone who works at the restaurant where the munch is being held, so was worried about that. Funny thing is, he's a drag queen. He's obviously comfortable with being himself, so not sure why I think he would judge me. After reading this thread I'm having to laugh at myself.......

Fair warning, most restaurants knowingly hosting munches will use kink friendly staff. How I ended up attending my first...and got paid VERY well for it!!!

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