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BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 3:26:57 AM

hairlover123

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Joined: 4/1/2012
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Not sure if the subject really best describes what i am getting at...but some times i feel like i use the lifestyle almost as a way to feel accepted? it is hard to explain how i feel in words i suppose, but sometimes i feel like i almost am seeking guidance and a "meaning" through the life style. Do not get me wrong i am very much into all of the other aspects as well but i tend to drift from it a lot, but when i am feeling down or at my bottom i always come back hoping to find what i am looking for..I guess i just noticed it recently but when i start to feel more accepting or content with my life i tend to drift back off.. I was just wondering if this was normal or if any one else has felt the same way..

I have other "issues" with my life as far as addiction,depression, and things along that line, I just wonder if i did not have all these other issues if i still would be as "motivated" to pursue the lifestyle as i do..

I guess i am just wondering if it is normal or any one else has had the same in counters..

Feel free to private message me if you have had some similar situations, i would rather privately talk but if you has suggestions feel free to post them in the public forum..

Thanks for your time..

Post #: 1

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 3:42:46 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Well I'd imagine that BDSM communities grew up out of a need by A LOT of people to feel accepted. =p So no worries there, really. Frankly, if BDSM places are one place you can go to not feel like a weirdo, well... it's nice to go and have that outlet, and a place where people are mostly understanding of bits of you that others might find really odd.
Parties are fun, and I've met a lot of interesting people through them, and the feeling of being around similar folks is part of why I keep going to them.

I don't turn to it when I feel down, though - when I'm down, I tend to put off everything.

But people seek all sorts of things via kink; for some people it's a fun hobby on the weekends, and for others it is a deeply spiritual thing that plays into the way they view the universe and their place within it. And there isn't anything wrong with either extreme, or any point in between.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 2

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 4:48:47 AM

DarkSteven

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There are some trans people and poly folks locally who come to local events for acceptance.

In my case, I'm a Dom. While I wouldn't call it "acceptance", it IS nice to be able to talk openly with people who understand my dynamic.

If you have depression or addiction issues, you need professional help. Acceptance is better than isolation, but it won't address the actual issues.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 3

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 5:11:46 AM

sk8mma1023

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d

< Message edited by sk8mma1023 -- 11/2/2012 5:14:12 AM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 7:17:26 AM

theRose4U

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quote:

I have other "issues" with my life as far as addiction,depression, and things along that line, I just wonder if i did not have all these other issues if i still would be as "motivated" to pursue the lifestyle as i do..

Don't know why not try 30 AA/NA meetings in 30 days & possibly a therapist & find out? Self abuse takes many forms only you can say if kink is part of that. My toilet side therapist opinion is kink releases dopamine into your system that you need to balance the addiction & resulting depression...they have a medication for that!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 5

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 7:26:48 AM

sexyred1

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I am fairly sure that many people seek kink and the "lifestyle" (the very word conjures up a feeling of belong to some) for what ails them, or to feel part of a bigger world.

Other people, like myself, don't consider myself to be part of a "community" or a "lifestyle" as my sexuality is only one facet of who I am and it does not influence the rest of my life nor do I need it to fulfill a purpose.

I have always accepted who and what I am and never needed any validation to make myself feel better.

I come to a place like CM so I can communicate with like minded folks, but really, if it did not exist, I would still be who I am.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 6

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 7:29:40 AM

SimplyMichael

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Lots of people seek power exchange in a VERY co-dependent way. Its one of two things, they seek someine more fucked up than they are and control them because they cant control themselves OR they seek.someone to fix the mess of their life...

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 7

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 10:18:40 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I think this is more common than most would like to admit. They get into bdsm to feel like they belong somewhere, whether they actually like it or not. They think bdsm is this all encompassing, accepting everyone and everything and oh so open-minded. These are the ones who come here and then complain and cry and say "I thought people into bdsm would be more open-minded and accepting"

If you are using bdsm for that reason then I'm afraid you're going to be seriously unhappy. People into bdsm are exactly the same as the rest of the world. You have to accept yourself without having to "belong" or be "accepted" with others if you wish to be happy.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 8

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 10:34:25 AM

anniezz338

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Addiction and depression tends to make a person question everything in their lives. Before you can answer your own question, you must first address these issues. Addiction and depression go hand in hand and it is a roller coaster for people who are dealing with it. Seek professional help.

< Message edited by anniezz338 -- 11/2/2012 11:08:31 AM >

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 2:48:03 PM

theRose4U

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Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Lots of people seek power exchange in a VERY co-dependent way. Its one of two things, they seek someine more fucked up than they are and control them because they cant control themselves OR they seek.someone to fix the mess of their life...

Holy crap can I choose C-none of the above?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 10

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 6:03:59 PM

chatterbox24

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What do you mean , once you start feeling concept or accepted in your life you start to drift off?

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 11

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 9:00:13 PM

hairlover123

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/1/2012
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As far as the depression and that stuff i have it "under control" they told me..haha which is a very confusing answer to me coming from a doctor. I sometimes feel like between my struggling issues with those and my submissive personality that if i find a dominant woman with mutual respect for each other that i would be better off?..I guess i never really tried putting this into words because i seem to be sucking at it! Of course it would depend on a lot of factors, I don't know -.-

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 12

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 9:21:41 PM

NuevaVida

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Back when I really didn't know myself, other than I tended to submit to what men wanted, I had all sorts of problems and was really just a pretty lost soul. It was a bad mix for me, in that I just needed a place to belong. So I gave myself to a man who wanted to take me. Problem with that is, since I didn't know myself or what really made me tick, I really was in no position to pick someone who would be good for me. I had kind of given up on myself and put myself in someone else's hands. I need to belong somewhere. I needed a purpose, since I had none of my own.

This was a bad combo for me, and it ended badly. The GOOD thing about all that is, when it ended badly I literally had nothing - not even myself. So I had to start at the bottom and work my way up.

I really don't advise taking that route, and by the looks of your OP, you could very easily be heading in that direction. I'd suggest getting to know yourself first. For me, that was done through therapy, reading a lot of books that affected me, traveling by myself, and talking to people who gave me fantastic insight. I paid attention to my reactions to people and circumstances, and to the things that excited me, bothered me, angered me, and so on. I journaled and conversed about the things I was discovering about myself along the way, because it brought me even greater insight.

It was only after learning myself, and coming to *like* myself, that I was able to be really selective about who I shared myself with, and could offer myself in all my awesomeness (haha did I say i came to really like myself?) to someone who would not only appreciate me, but who would accept me for who I am.

Otherwise, yanno, I'd just be saying, "Hey I can't deal with me and I give up - so maybe YOU can do something with me." In the long run, there's not a lot of happiness in that.

Take your time with yourself. Keep discovering yourself. Once you accept yourself, you won't need the external acceptance you are looking for.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 13

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 9:26:38 PM

hairlover123

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/1/2012
Status: offline

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions Nueva :)
I realize i have to find myself but i just am not sure if i am prepared to make the changes that i know i have to make to do so. Kind of a big step for the most part, basically one of the biggest things iv had to deal with for myself.

I know it is a necessary move if i want to help myself though!

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 14

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 9:30:22 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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Trust me when I say baby steps are your friend. You don't need to tackle everything at once, just one step in front of the other.

At least for me, as I began the slow and interesting road of learning myself, those changes kind of just came about on their own.

I do wish you the best, here. The fact that you're talking about it and asking questions about yourself means you're already making those baby steps.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 15

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/2/2012 9:33:56 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hairlover123

Not sure if the subject really best describes what i am getting at...but some times i feel like i use the lifestyle almost as a way to feel accepted? it is hard to explain how i feel in words i suppose, but sometimes i feel like i almost am seeking guidance and a "meaning" through the life style. Do not get me wrong i am very much into all of the other aspects as well but i tend to drift from it a lot, but when i am feeling down or at my bottom i always come back hoping to find what i am looking for..I guess i just noticed it recently but when i start to feel more accepting or content with my life i tend to drift back off.. I was just wondering if this was normal or if any one else has felt the same way..

I have other "issues" with my life as far as addiction,depression, and things along that line, I just wonder if i did not have all these other issues if i still would be as "motivated" to pursue the lifestyle as i do..

I guess i am just wondering if it is normal or any one else has had the same in counters..

Feel free to private message me if you have had some similar situations, i would rather privately talk but if you has suggestions feel free to post them in the public forum..

Thanks for your time..

It sounds like you use BDSM like a drug or alcohol. When you're down, and want to obliterate everything, you turn to kinky sex. I don't think that's unusual. However, if you move away from BDSM when you are happy in life, it definitely shows that BDSM is not the place you want to be. The point isn't BDSM, but to to seek treatment for your depression and addictions. BDSM isn't an answer to your underlying issues; it's simply a crutch you use when you don't want to deal with those issues.

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 16

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/3/2012 12:37:54 AM

hairlover123

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/1/2012
Status: offline

It is not about the "kinky sex" though if it was i would agree with your statement more..I do agree that maybe i use it as an outlet, but not as negative as you make it seem. I view it more as a positive..It makes me feel better with out me negatively affecting my self. I do not just get what i want out of BDSM than leave..it is more of the state of mind i am in, and in the end what makes me happy is a mixture of acceptance and submissiveness.

Maybe i am just now realizing what does make me happy?

I am still a work in progress lol

(in reply to seekingreality)

Post #: 17

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/3/2012 1:07:14 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hey there op,

I'll admit that I was thinking pretty much what seeking reality was thinking; that in a small way BDSM was a way of "losing yourself".

What I'd urge you to do is "Find yourself".

It seems to me that you've battled with (and continue to battle with) a couple of really tough challenges (your depression and addiction), but the fact that you seem to be engaging with that seems really positive to me.

Given your experiences, you're probably really well qualified to help others...

Don't give up your exploration of BDSM, but I'd encourage you to look at opportunities to volunteer - whether it's just washing the floors or handing out soup at a homeless shelter. You might well find that the experience will bring you a host of benefits - it might help you discover purpose, it might help develop your self esteem, it might help you hone your people skills.... (I say "might" because these things aren't for everyone - But I can say that the volunteering I've done in the past (and I have to admit that I've done nothing like enough of it) brought me all of those things.

I wanted to give NV a big old snog for this...

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I really don't advise taking that route, and by the looks of your OP, you could very easily be heading in that direction. I'd suggest getting to know yourself first. For me, that was done through therapy, reading a lot of books that affected me, traveling by myself, and talking to people who gave me fantastic insight. I paid attention to my reactions to people and circumstances, and to the things that excited me, bothered me, angered me, and so on. I journaled and conversed about the things I was discovering about myself along the way, because it brought me even greater insight.

It was only after learning myself, and coming to *like* myself, that I was able to be really selective about who I shared myself with, and could offer myself in all my awesomeness (haha did I say i came to really like myself?) to someone who would not only appreciate me, but who would accept me for who I am.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 18

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/3/2012 2:08:36 AM

hairlover123

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/1/2012
Status: offline

Crazy..I appreciate your advise and agree with what you are saying..For some reason i find it WAY easier for me to help others with the same issues i have then to help my self. I guess i am a walking definition of a hypocrite in that sense. I have often thought about volunteering for a few things, but did not consider myself "fit" for the situation.

I guess it all boils down to me accepting myself..

SORRY for making this into a tiny therapy session basically ! I honestly did not intend for it to be like this, but i appreciate the advice very much!

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 19

RE: BDSM Vs. seeking a purpose? - 11/3/2012 2:27:38 AM

ClassAct2006

Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

Depends on the person. In your case with addiction and depression issues those are probably the first thing to try to improve.

Some of us simply were born as we were. I cannot remember an age even aged 4 when I did not feel submissive. It is nothing about a lifestyle. I do not go to BDSM clubs. I simply am as I am in a normal and pretty successful professional and family life which from the outside will look much like any other kind of life. I don't wear special clothes, hate men in leather and seek a pretty traditional aim which is a loving long term personal relationship which happens to be D/s. having had a long marriage with children which certainly started out as D/s.

So I suppose I avoid anything with the word lifestyle in it. I feel this for me is more about innate sexuality. Just as if I had always felt I were a gay man. I might then choose to join gay pride marches and wear lapel badges and go to gay clubs or I might like my gay friends lead a totally normal life pursuing whatever one's hobbies are - gardening or choral singing but it is simply that one's personal relationship is gay (or in my case it is always D/s).

I would hope those of us with an innate alternative sexuality are more understanding of difference in others so that might well be why those with problems find tolerance in a community of people who are different or other although from a personal point of view part of my own due diligence and self protection is to date only men with parity to me in terms of mental and physical health, innate happiness, stability and a postiive mental attitude as well as ideally someone who is similar to me in terms of life/hobbies/ family and same level of (good or bad) looks / fitness.

Some men like to fix women who are broken as it makes them feel good. I would caution against that. We all like to think we help others and I am sure I as much as anyone to proffer help in all kinds of areas but I suspect it is wise to avoid that as the real connection with someone else. I wonder if eg the Rausing lady would be alive today had she not married a fellow addict she met in rebab and might her husband's children still have a mother had he picked someone who was not an addict.

(in reply to hairlover123)

Post #: 20

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