Feelings of guilt, confusion...??

Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (Full Version)

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Lilviper091 -> Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/2/2012 2:45:09 PM)
I am a pain girl... I enjoy it, am turned on by it and love the feelings that are carried with me for the days afterwards... I am, however, relatively new to this style of life and have endured my first 'discipline' session recently... It was discussed beforehand and I was asked if I felt it was deserved... it was, so I agreed. The pain was incredibly different and much more severe... it was indeed disciplinary and made me think twice about receiving another... But now... I am struggling with the after effects... as much as I survey my marks/bruising and as much as the play strips are delicious... I'm left with new feelings to work through. I find that I'm more... confused by things... I feel 'freakish' now... like I'm doing something wrong and what is it in ME that desires this and how can I change it to be 'normal'?? I guess I'm after advise... is it maybe the fact that I have been punished that has me a little confused? The fact that someone has taken me (finally) in hand and shown me that I have done wrong... can this cause conflicting thoughts?? Over emotional perhaps? Is it a phase? Ugh! lol... racing thoughts... I hope I'm making sense... has anyone else gone through this? ... Honesty, brutal or otherwise very much appreciated! K

theRose4U -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/2/2012 3:41:45 PM)
Simple answer is sub drop. Those delicious 3 day play feelings are working in reverse. In my world...kink play isn't used as punishment to avoid this very thing. I'll whip, spank & make subs beg for fun & only my fun. Punishment has too many negative variables...overdoing due to my own emotions, ability to listen & problem solve while in sub space & the like. Being a "dirty girl" is fun until someone shames you for being dirty is the best description can give. Myself true punishment varies from essay writing to posture punishments...holding a dime in the corner with your nose at a partial squat, hands behind the back...then & only then do you get to explain & apologize. Suggestions for your current situation: health food store for dopamine stimulator, journal your feelings/sensations, think about how mixing what's usually pleasure with punishment has confused you. Then talk to your dom! This is part of aftercare even if he's still upset

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/2/2012 6:30:59 PM)
Makes perfect sense! Thank you :-) I hadn't considered the confusion being through being punished with what I enjoy.. The journal part sounds like a good idea too! Thank you for your suggestions! K

kalikshama -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/2/2012 6:44:07 PM)
The problem could be that the play was too hard...or the punishment aspect...or a combination. Try eliminating one of the variables next time. Ps - many people don't have a punishment dynamic.

chatterbox24 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/2/2012 6:54:08 PM)
Did you really need punished? Did you want it? Pain doesnt mean punishment always, does it? You said you were a pain girl, so its not new, just make sure the pain giver, is not the freak making you feel freakish. Take care of yourself, and best wishes.

myotherself -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 2:58:35 AM)
I went through a similar set of emotions the first time I was punished. Although I love pain play and I cherish the marks I have afterwards, I hated the feeling of the punishment and I felt quite down for several days afterwards. First I thought it was sub drop, but I'd had that before and it didn't feel anything like I was feeling at that time. After a lot of thinking and reading, I came to the following conclusions. Firstly, I felt bad because I'd had to be punished. I knew it meant he was angry/upset with me and I hated that I'd caused that. Secondly, I wasn't used to the whole punishment thing. I viewed it then as a bad thing - something bad was done to me because I was bad, and that made me feel bad. After a long discussion with my then Dom I understood that he saw punishment as a way of correcting bad behaviour, drawing a line under it and moving forward. I was dragging the baggage with me, he had dealt with it and moved on. Thirdly, I was used to the current societal norm where men didn't punish women for things they did wrong, at least not so overtly. I felt embarrassed, humiliated and as if I'd been treated like a naughty child. This made me somewhat resentful towards my Dom. I spent a lot of time thinking through these three conclusions until I got it straight in my head. I'm in a new, permanent relationship now. We have a punishment dynamic, which I welcome. If I do something unacceptable, he uses pain immediately to correct that behaviour. We've discussed that the punishment, followed by the apology, is the situation dealt with. Over and done, then move on. That may not work for you, OP. You may react better to non-physical punishments, or no punishment at all. That's something you really need to discuss with your Dom.

Kana -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 7:30:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lilviper091 I am a pain girl... I enjoy it, am turned on by it and love the feelings that are carried with me for the days afterwards... I am, however, relatively new to this style of life and have endured my first 'discipline' session recently... It was discussed beforehand and I was asked if I felt it was deserved... it was, so I agreed. The pain was incredibly different and much more severe... it was indeed disciplinary and made me think twice about receiving another... But now... I am struggling with the after effects... as much as I survey my marks/bruising and as much as the play strips are delicious... I'm left with new feelings to work through. I find that I'm more... confused by things... I feel 'freakish' now... like I'm doing something wrong and what is it in ME that desires this and how can I change it to be 'normal'?? I guess I'm after advise... is it maybe the fact that I have been punished that has me a little confused? The fact that someone has taken me (finally) in hand and shown me that I have done wrong... can this cause conflicting thoughts?? Over emotional perhaps? Is it a phase? Ugh! lol... racing thoughts... I hope I'm making sense... has anyone else gone through this? ... Honesty, brutal or otherwise very much appreciated! K Why worry so much about what is "normal?" I mean, normal is such a strange word. It's nebulous, it's one of those things that slips and slides depending on who is doing the defining and who is being defined. My suggestion would be simply to find what works for you, find someone who cares about you to do it with, and let the rest of the world go pound sand. You define yourself. The only one who can make you feel like a freak is you. Nobody else. Oh, they can call names, and judge, but that really has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself inside. Find your internal compass. Follow it with grace, dignity, honesty and honor. And forget what anyone and everyone else may say. Other than that, all I'll mention s that what you are feeling is pretty common, most subs/slaves and even doms too, wrestle with this sort of stuff when they are new. You'll get over it as you grow in experience, learn to process this sort of stuff, and grow. Lastly, you should really be talking with him about this. Not us.Aftercare and communication will do more to alleviate this than anyone else. It's your relationship-define the terms and the feelings together.

ARIES83 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 10:12:16 AM)
Interesting thread, thanks.

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 11:38:46 AM)
Um... I don't know! He is a sadistic man lol.. I was informed well before the session there would punishment for my actions.. Which weren't bad! I fell asleep before a meet, after a ten hour day and missed his calls. But I knew it was coming, so when he asked at the beginning of the time if I deserved it, I knew I did... Hm I just assumed punishment went with it ?? Lol mmmm no punishment! The more I think about the more I think it's too similar to what I enjoy! Thank you for the advice!

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 11:40:26 AM)
It was very very new... Lots of things I hadn't done before... You could be right... Lol gawd. Thank you!! :-)

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 11:47:13 AM)
... That bought a tear to my eye! Lol in usually confident enough to not worry about how people me or view my life. I yam what I yam! (Popeye) I'm thinking maybe we're not a good fit... (shrugs) I Duno. Had the total opposite with my first. I hear what you're saying.. I would talk with him but he's been.. Unavailable. I'm glad to hear its somewhat common.. Just something else to process. Thank you for taking the time! Everyone :-)

DaddySatyr -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 11:50:26 AM)
I have always been a believer in "The punishment should fit the crime". As a result, I don't use physical punishment because the only thing that would equate to is a lady raising a hand to me and that just ends the relationship. If I try to relate to physical punishment, I can only get at it from this vantage point: I have had ladies tell me that they "act bratty" or misbehave in an effort to get a spanking (flogging, whatever) that they want. It doesn't work that way for me and my question to them is always: "Why should I reward bad behavior?". Yes, I've been told that they're actually quite different actions (pleasure and punishment) but, usually I'm told it has a lot to do with the mental space around the activities. The disappointment, etc. I just eliminate the middle man and go right to the crux of the matter. If a lady doesn't do as she's asked ... I don't know ... if I ask her to wash the car before I get home from work (it doesn't happen but there ya go) and she doesn't do it, I wouldn't go to any kind of physical punishment. I see that as abuse. I would give her a stern talking to and might hand her a toothbrush to do the detailing on the rims. To me, that's punishment. Peace and comfort, Michael

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 11:54:37 AM)
Myotherself!! I'd hug you right if I could!! Gawd.. I am emotional! Thank you SO much for sharing that!! I have thought the same, even blindfolded in play you can hear the tone of voice, even the whips are different... Reading and thinking about what you went through.. His tone was cold, hard, everything just ... Different. But the afterwards, a cuddle and he was over it. Naturally... I wasn't! Lol I did feel embarrassed, naughty and just not good... Because I knew I'd disappointed him and the pain was a reminder... Not a good one like usual!! Hmm lots to think on regarding him... Again thank you!! xx

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 12:00:40 PM)
Lol... That's more punishment than pain Michael! The toothbrush and the "not rewarding bad behavior" would quite annoy a bratty girl id think. Abuse is ... Each to their own I guess.. Like I say, I enjoy the markings and the play in general. I've felt abused, until maybe now lol but I think that's pride talking!! Maybe I'll suggest him trying a new route/method ... See what he thinks :-) Thank you for the thoughts!!! :-)

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 12:03:27 PM)
Great advice everyone, thank you! xx I appreciate you all taking the time to stop in! K

Kana -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 12:13:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lilviper091 Myotherself!! I'd hug you right if I could!! Gawd.. I am emotional! Thank you SO much for sharing that!! I have thought the same, even blindfolded in play you can hear the tone of voice, even the whips are different... Reading and thinking about what you went through.. His tone was cold, hard, everything just ... Different. But the afterwards, a cuddle and he was over it. Naturally... I wasn't! Lol I did feel embarrassed, naughty and just not good... Because I knew I'd disappointed him and the pain was a reminder... Not a good one like usual!! Hmm lots to think on regarding him... Again thank you!! xx Talk to him. I can tell you from my experience that I hate punishing. When I do I detach, grow colder and harder. Why? Because I'm about to hurt the one I love and that all sorts of sucks. And I can understand him being distant. Sorry if this goes against the grain, but some cats don't do aftercare post punishment-they want you to feel it, want you to process things and have to experience them precisely so it doesn't happen again. But he's the only one who can answer your questions. Talk to him, not us

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 12:34:02 PM)
Thank you Kana.. I'll talk to him ... I just needed to know if it was a 'common' thing to have odd feelings.. He can't answer that for me. Only ones that have experienced similar could I thought :-) But I DO hear what you're saying ;-) lol I swear!!

kalikshama -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 2:47:46 PM)
OP are you aware that in addition to punishment, there is such a thing as funishment? quote: I was informed well before the session there would punishment for my actions.. Which weren't bad! I fell asleep before a meet, after a ten hour day and missed his calls. But I knew it was coming, so when he asked at the beginning of the time if I deserved it, I knew I did... Really? If I had an employee that worked a hard ten hour day and then fell asleep and missed a social engagement, I wouldn't feel the need to punish her. How serious are you about this guy and he for you? If I stood up someone I cared about, my feeling of guilt would be punishment enough. I once forgot about a casual play date, which caused me no angst.

Lilviper091 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/3/2012 9:13:20 PM)
Lol the honest answer makes the whole situation ridiculous... So I'll simply hang my head and say again, I hear what you are saying too! :-) I just have to process this head thing now. Honesty and pointedness appreciated :-) x

alexander75310 -> RE: Feelings of guilt, confusion...?? (11/4/2012 2:23:41 AM)
After reading all the answers, I think I will go beat myself and have an emotional breakdown! Seriously, it is very simple: different strokes for different folks. We can not all be average.

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