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needing advice - 11/10/2012 2:34:10 PM

moonchild343

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/10/2012
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You see I'm engaged to my master. We started off as pet and master.
And in a poly relationship . Which was hard on me.
The other girl left so its just us. But lately he hasn't been doming me like he used too.
We use toys once in a while but it's like his spark for it has gone.
I've talked to him about it as I always do everything.
But he dosent understand what I say when my submission
side is hurting. Please give me advice. I'm completely lost..

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RE: needing advice - 11/10/2012 3:24:40 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Sounds to me he was only showing off for the other girl and when she left he just doesn't find it as enjoyable anymore. Either he cared more for her than you realized or he's just into the whole exhibitionism, showing off fetish.

I would explain to him what you mean by hurting. What is it you are missing? The play? The intimacy? Something else? You need to sit down and talk in detail, not just vague words.

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RE: needing advice - 11/10/2012 3:50:24 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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He may be grieving the loss of the relationship with the other girl. Which is natural. It doesn't mean that ending that relationship was wrong, it just means that there's been change and he needs time to deal with it.

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RE: needing advice - 11/10/2012 4:22:46 PM

LonDom61

Posts: 196
Joined: 9/12/2007
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Hi moonchild

lw may be right. But here are a few ideas from the other side of the slash.

First, its great that you always talk to him about things. Especially things that concern you. It has to do with your well-being and your concern for his as well. I value that myself.

Not so great is that he doesnt understand you when you speak of how your submissive side is hurting. That is critical info. Beyond this current concern, have you communicated that to him?

Re the spark being gone: I dont know how long you were together before the other girl, how long she was with you and how long it has been since then.

One factor is that interest in play sometimes goes down for awhile. There is a corelation with her leaving, okay. But it could also be partly just cyclical. I find my interest in play waxes and wanes some.

And consider an analogy. Each of us, on whichever side of the kneel, gets a charge from doing what we do. Lets compare that charge to the effect of a prescription drug.

He has been on a dose of 200 mg. Now the doc has cut him back to 100 mg. Or maybe 80, since one could argue that two women is more than twice the charge compared to one. Synergy. Ego.

I dont mean this as a slight to you. Its just numbers.

Or just this way: Two women is a heck of an ego boost for a guy. He is dealing with a blow to his ego.

He should be VERY concerned about your happies and sads from your sub side. Whether you tackle this first... Or wait & be supportive for awhile, depending on how long it has been...is up to you based on factors you know but didnt include.

Not a solution. But I hope it helped a bit.

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: needing advice - 11/10/2012 9:18:40 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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I'm going to go the other way & hope lon's cranium forgives me

Men are basic. They don't get "feelings" especially when they are bad ones...I'm convinced its a defense mechonism.

Way to deal with this is:
I feel most loved by you, when you ____
I feel most aroused, sexy, desired when you ___
I miss ____
& want to know if you are ok then how we can re-introduce x,y,z

Yes the accusation of topping from the bottom can be made, but better to say something & hear you are wanted but flogging you for an hour during a a70 hour week is unreasonable...or he misses having a 3rd but he knows it negatively affects things with you. Answer could be damn near anything from pushing you over the couch to tearful loss of this 3rd & not knowing how to tell you.

Best advice keep it simple & direct, then expect anything.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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(in reply to LonDom61)

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 3:34:21 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U
Men are basic. They don't get "feelings" especially when they are bad ones...

I'll admit there is a bit of a language barrier with
my emotional vocabulary, but to say we don't get
it, is probably not that accurate.

And saying men are basic is one way of saying it I
guess. Another is that most women are emotionally
hyperactive. I like my way better.

Moonchild,
My advice is get some Patience. The other girl just
left... There is an adjustment period for that kind of
thing, has it even been a month?
Just let him chill for a bit, let him take stock and
try not to pester him with your insecurities, he will
probably bounce right back up, once hes had a bit
of time.

-Aries

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 11/11/2012 3:47:55 AM >

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 4:42:35 AM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
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It sounds like he's passive aggressive and trying to get you to do the breakup. Sorry.

If he used to "understand" your submission, but now no longer does, he either got hit on the head by a rock and is suffering from amnesia, or is suddenly very selective in his understanding. Again, very passive aggressive.

You need truth from him and you aren't getting it. Usually, that is the beginning of the end.

Much empathy. Be strong.

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 6:16:54 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: moonchild343

You see I'm engaged to my master. We started off as pet and master.
And in a poly relationship . Which was hard on me.
The other girl left so its just us. But lately he hasn't been doming me like he used too.
We use toys once in a while but it's like his spark for it has gone.
I've talked to him about it as I always do everything.
But he dosent understand what I say when my submission
side is hurting. Please give me advice. I'm completely lost..

Talk to him. Talk to him some more.

Every post after the OP is purely speculation. There are a hundred assumptions that can be made and the odds of any of them hitting the nail on the head isn't very high.

Only you and he know what is going on in your relationship. Especially given the lack of information in your post.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 6:24:54 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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I will put a little different spin on things, I am not a master btw.

It might be a very good idea to not focus on sex at this time. As much as it is the problem for you, take it off the table for a bit. Focus on your service to him which has nothing to do with sex for a brief time, maybe 2 weeks or so. Keep your chin up and have a great attitude. Do not show neediness, and it is very possible your master may perk up. Just a suggestion, that may or may not be worth a try.

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My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 6:39:21 AM

LonDom61

Posts: 196
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

I'm going to go the other way & hope lon's cranium forgives me

Men are basic. They don't get "feelings" especially when they are bad ones...I'm convinced its a defense mechonism.

Way to deal with this is:
I feel most loved by you, when you ____
I feel most aroused, sexy, desired when you ___
I miss ____
& want to know if you are ok then how we can re-introduce x,y,z

Yes the accusation of topping from the bottom can be made, but better to say something & hear you are wanted but flogging you for an hour during a a70 hour week is unreasonable...or he misses having a 3rd but he knows it negatively affects things with you. Answer could be damn near anything from pushing you over the couch to tearful loss of this 3rd & not knowing how to tell you.

Best advice keep it simple & direct, then expect anything.

Hi Rose. My cranium forgives you and is still shiny. (Well, right now it needs a shave.) Good advice on how to approach discussion. Context being important. Possible outcomes.

I have said that online contact OTOS (ie exploring relationship potential) is like building a dot picture. Each element--the pic, points in the profile and emails, etc--is a dot. We connect them and observe the image that emerges.

It just struck me that we do the same here, when reading an OP and making our pronouncements. And, just as OTOS, we may connect the dots in ways that are affected by our preconceptions.

An OP takes a complex situation and reduces it to a few dots. We then take those few dots and try to zoom it back into a picture. Then offer advice based on the picture we drew.

Ten stars in a constellation...and someone sees a centaur...or a scorpion, or...

The OP says the other girl left. Aries sees -she JUST left-. What is the actual time? There has been enough so that several play times havent happened. How frequent were they? We dont know. OP didnt give us that dot.

Saline jumps to -he is passive aggressive, wants to leave you and is waiting for you to figure it out-. Dunno where THAT came from. He had two girls and he was, presumably, happy. Now he has one and, at least at the moment, is less happy. How do you get to -he wants zero girls-?

I am using examples in this thread. But it is something that we do here all the time. It is, in fact, built in to the medium we are using.

= =

I am also uncomfortable with statements like the one highlighted in red. Saying men are like this, subs are like that, etc. is using a label that may often (or sometimes) be useful and accurate...and assuming it is accurate in all situations. He is a man. Men are like this. So he is like this. You may think that works. But how about: She is a sub. Subs are like this. So she is like this.

Personally, I can has emotions. And I can has sensitivity to the emotions of my girl. If anything, I am overly sensitive to them. EsPECially bad ones. That can cause problems, too. Did with me & my ex. My challenge is turning that dial down, not up. But that is me. The OPs Dom is different.

Bottom line: Our dot pictures are not reality. People dont fit labels. Generalizations dont apply to all.

= = =
Oh, Aries: I liked the -maybe its not that we have not enough. maybe you goils has too much-. Funny.

< Message edited by LonDom61 -- 11/11/2012 7:04:22 AM >

(in reply to theRose4U)

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 6:43:09 AM

SlipSlidingAway

Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: moonchild343

You see I'm engaged to my master. We started off as pet and master.
And in a poly relationship . Which was hard on me.
The other girl left so its just us. But lately he hasn't been doming me like he used too.
We use toys once in a while but it's like his spark for it has gone.
I've talked to him about it as I always do everything.
But he dosent understand what I say when my submission
side is hurting. Please give me advice. I'm completely lost..

moonchild...

Remember that your master is a man, first and foremost. Just as you are a woman. The rest, the roles, are certainly important. It's why you are engaged to him; because you fulfilled each other in ways that made you desire to make it permanent.

No, your submissive needs should not be ignored, but it's obvious something is disrupting the relationship dynamic. And, the only way you are going to find out what that something is? You and your master are going to need to talk.

Ask him to set aside some time to have a discussion. Let him pick the time, make it as neutral a discussion as possible. Don't be accusatory. Just tell him that things don't feel the same, and that you don't know why. Ask him if he's okay, if anything has been bothering him, that he seems a bit distracted lately and you want to know if you can do anything to help. You may be misreading him. However, you will never know unless you two open up the lines of communication.

I wish you the best of everything.

SSA~

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 6:46:05 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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For aries & lon:
The male emotional spectrum...hungry, horney, happy, horney, angry, horney& tired
Did miss any?? Like I said BASIC

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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RE: needing advice - 11/11/2012 10:00:06 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

I thought I'd post again because I think this thread
has more mixed messages then a girl on prom night.

OP I'm not trying to guess what's going on with you
and your Fiancé or who you both are as people, my
advice was solely based on imagining myself being in
that situation.
I hesitate to give advice based on what I feel I would
be going through in that situation because I am not
your average guy, but I think it's worth trying these
first...

quote:

It might be a very good idea to not focus on sex at this time. As much as it is the problem for you, take it off the table for a bit. Focus on your service to him which has nothing to do with sex for a brief time, maybe 2 weeks or so. Keep your chin up and have a great attitude. Do not show neediness, and it is very possible your master may perk up. Just a suggestion, that may or may not be worth a try.

quote:

He may be grieving the loss of the relationship with the other girl. Which is natural. It doesn't mean that ending that relationship was wrong, it just means that there's been change and he needs time to deal with it.

I really think they are on the right track, but even if
not, you'd do this first because if I'm any indication...
He doesn't want to have a cup of tea and talk about
his feelings, he isn't sad, he is temporarily out of sorts
and that involves not feeling like paying you all the
attention you want...

If you push it, you will come off as needy, whinny,
selfish, demanding and annoying.
So why not wait a bit, if he's not back to normal in a
couple of weeks, then bring it up... Till then try to make
him happy while not making it all about you.

-Aries

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