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RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/12/2012 7:05:51 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

I thiink the phrase "topping from the bottom" is an extremely overused phrase. I believe it is yet another one of many misplaced judgements by someone onto other people's relationships when they feel the need to define for everyone else what thier idea/opinion of *twueness* is. Someone on the outside of my relationship desn't get to decide what's going on within my relationship. That's for Mr and I to work out.


I very much agree with this statement.

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(in reply to Lucifyre)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/12/2012 7:07:04 AM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		I cannot bring myself to diss another kinky person for their thing.

It's like Il Divo.

On my honeymoon, I heard Il Divo everywhere. I don't love Il Divo, but Il Divo and their army of fans are sort of on my team. They like music, they want to keep their life outlook positive. I'm in a 100% accord with Il Divo-dom on those basic scores, even if a little goes a long way (partic their 5 years-long version of "My Way").

A Dom guy who wants to get seriously reamed up the ass = Il Divo to me.

As to the top from the bottom stuff, a lot of stuff that I like during sex was cutting into her orgasm intensity. So I moderated and eliminated it. I wanted x and y act or ritual, and I also wanted her to be a little screamy at the critical juncture. Oh, what to do?

"It's my call 100%, my way or the highway" is not a gun to be taken down and fired often.

It's an idealistic paradigm that affects our relationship horse trading but doesn't trap it. She comes hard, she does what I broadly like.

Take me now Jesus, I have fed at this heavenly trough more than any man has a right to deserve.



< Message edited by Salinedion -- 11/12/2012 7:13:54 AM >

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I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to Lucifyre)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/12/2012 8:26:36 AM   
BoundSlave4Life


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		Frankly, Master/slave and Top/Bottom are two completely different things. A Master/slave relationship is one where the M-type is ALWAYS in charge and in control. I see Topping/bottoming as a scene and not genuine Dominance and control.

Now, what if the Master and slave are having a scene. It depends on the pretense of said scene. If it's a reward, the slave MAY be able to give input in what she wants, and how she wants it. If the Master listens does that mean he's being bottomed?

One could argue that a slave that says "Master, please don't do *Insert Something Here* because of *Insert viable and reasonable reason*" and the Master listening to that request is being topped from the bottom.

My point is that I think the term "Topping from the bottom" is a completely over used term, and it frankly makes Dominants a little paranoid that they may allow it to happen to them which can cause problems in a relationship.

(in reply to Lucifyre)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/13/2012 7:48:52 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss

I know we met only the one time, but something you had said stuck with me. You had never met a horsewoman that was submissive. That they had all had dominant nature.
Well truth be told, I am a pushy, bossy, out spoken bitch. I've become really accomplished at manipulating scenes and getting exactly what I, (don't), want.


Yes, that memory of that night and meeting you is burned into my head. I knew the guy with you was anot in your league, I had been interested for some time and I was trapped. I have a rule of not abusing my position to orey on other mens women, you were only his date but he was SO proud to be there with such a desireable women. Anyway, nothing I would have done would have been right but I do wish it had gone differently!

quote:



And now I have met him, and quess what? None of it works. I can't top from the bottom. I've never called red before, but did with him expecting everything to come to a halt and be cuddled. It didn't happen, he changed pace and continued in a different direction. I should have called red and didn't because I wanted to keep on. He called an end to the scene because on my emotional state. There are truly areas where he already knows more about me than I know about myself.


Sounds like someone talented, thoughtful, and skilled.

(in reply to artemiss)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/13/2012 7:54:17 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss
Knowing how fucked up that sounds is why I didn't originally want to post this publically. But it makes me believe when things are right, there is no topping from the bottom. I just hope I learn to let go, embrace what I have been looking for, and allow both of us to be happy. To stop trying to direct things to where I want us to be, and allow him to get us there.


My phone wont let me do really long posts...

This is where really good, open, and vulnerable communication is vital. I will provably never do another class up in Sacramento because of how dysfunctional the scene is there but if you pm me I would be happy to forward my materials for the class. That said, if he can gandle you, has the skills you spoke of, my bet is he will walk you through this minefield just fine.

(in reply to artemiss)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/13/2012 8:08:29 PM   
artemiss


Posts: 88
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


quote:

ORIGINAL: artemiss

I know we met only the one time, but something you had said stuck with me. You had never met a horsewoman that was submissive. That they had all had dominant nature.
Well truth be told, I am a pushy, bossy, out spoken bitch. I've become really accomplished at manipulating scenes and getting exactly what I, (don't), want.


Yes, that memory of that night and meeting you is burned into my head. I knew the guy with you was anot in your league, I had been interested for some time and I was trapped. I have a rule of not abusing my position to orey on other mens women, you were only his date but he was SO proud to be there with such a desireable women. Anyway, nothing I would have done would have been right but I do wish it had gone differently!

quote:



And now I have met him, and quess what? None of it works. I can't top from the bottom. I've never called red before, but did with him expecting everything to come to a halt and be cuddled. It didn't happen, he changed pace and continued in a different direction. I should have called red and didn't because I wanted to keep on. He called an end to the scene because on my emotional state. There are truly areas where he already knows more about me than I know about myself.


Sounds like someone talented, thoughtful, and skilled.



Haha, I was so pissed off that night. He wasn't my date. We had already gone out and I'd determined that I wasn't interested. We lbith lived quite a distance, and had agreed to carpool. When we got there he put a very different spin on things. Live and learn.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 5:04:57 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Sounds to Me like y'all need to talk. Good luck.


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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to artemiss)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 6:52:03 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Sounds to Me like y'all need to talk. Good luck.



That night was years ago, she is seeing someone, we no longer live near enough to matter, but thanks for the good thoughts!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 7:32:32 AM   
justacleaner


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2012
Status: offline 		I'd say that in a d/s relationship every sub/slave in effect tops from the bottom. If I visit a Pro Dom it is my session. I am paying her to perform for me. I am the one directing the action, setting parameters and limits, and so ultimately in control.

In lifestyle relationships, say male Dom female sub female subs are so rare that any Dom lucky enough to find a real one is probably so terrified of losing her he'll do anything to keep her. So again in effect the sub has control, and the Dom only has the powers she allows him.

Fem Dom and male sub is different of course. Male subs outnumber Dommes about a thousand to one, but the same thing applies there. There are thousands of men to pick from, but in truth the majority are not that highly sought after because of age, appearance, location, all sorts of things, also there are a lot of shall we say dreamers around among the male sub population. So again if the lady finds a good one and she wants to keep him she will tailor her demands to the things she knows he likes.

However that said a d/s relationship is just that, a relationship. How people choose to live it is down to them. One person doesn't have absolute control. Real slavery does exist. In fact according to the official figures there are more people living in real slavery than when the slave trade was legal. And I'm pretty sure no one on this or any other site wants to become a real slave. For a start real slaves don't get to choose who owns them.

So topping from the bottom? Yes, but It's more likely to be a joint decision between both sub and Dom'me just like any other relationship. .




(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 7:55:24 AM   
oddlots347


Posts: 91
Joined: 6/4/2011
Status: offline 		Yes, Topping and bottoming is more of a scene thing...If it is a person you have never played with before there is a negotiation before the scene about how the scene will go and what will be expected and not expected. For example, when I am in a scene after the negotiation, it is understood that if they try to top from the bottom that could end the scene very quickly, but with my Sub there is a different relationship and I know the topping from the bottom will never happen. With my sub when I want to play I play.

(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 10:55:41 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

That night was years ago, she is seeing someone, we no longer live near enough to matter, but thanks for the good thoughts!

I was sad for you when I read that exchange! Glad it was long ago and isn't a newish loss.

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 12:36:14 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

I look at it this way. If Master decided that he wanted anal penetration and ordered me to use a strap-on, I would do it whether or not I got any pleasure from it. I would be doing it because HE wanted it. He is still in complete control. We start when and how he wants and we end when and how he wants. I can tell him I'm getting tired, my back is aching, whatever, but until he says stop, I keep going. He is the Dominant, he is the one with the control regardless of who is the penetrator.

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No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to Lucifyre)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 1:45:03 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundSlave4Life

My point is that I think the term "Topping from the bottom" is a completely over used term, and it frankly makes WANNABE Dominants a little paranoid that they may allow it to happen to them which can cause problems in a relationship.

FTFY :-)

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"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 2:55:33 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justacleaner
In lifestyle relationships, say male Dom female sub female subs are so rare that any Dom lucky enough to find a real one is probably so terrified of losing her he'll do anything to keep her.

Really? Wow! This dom won't. I'm the first to admit that there's lots of ways Carol and I could make each other happy. M/s is far from the only choice with us. But I can guarantee you that Carol only gets to pick from the list of choices I approve. The other choice is divorce. No, I won't do "anything" to keep her. For instance, I won't be a faux leader. If I'm going to go through the stress of being in charge then she's damned well going to follow and do it well or else she's wasting my time and hers.

In terms of "topping from the bottom" I generally agree with Michael's sentiment but also think the term is useless. I prefer to call it "manipulative behaviour" and treat it accordingly. I'm very good with Carol telling me what she hopes, desires, and dreams. Those things influence my own thinking strongly. But I am not OK with her attempting to manipulate me. I expect her to engage with me in an honorable manner.


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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to justacleaner)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 5:41:57 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
That night was years ago, she is seeing someone, we no longer live near enough to matter, but thanks for the good thoughts!
Always and you are quite welcome.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justacleaner
Fem Dom and male sub is different of course. Male subs outnumber Dommes about a thousand to one, but the same thing applies there. There are thousands of men to pick from, but in truth the majority are not that highly sought after because of age, appearance, location, all sorts of things, also there are a lot of shall we say dreamers around among the male sub population. So again if the lady finds a good one and she wants to keep him she will tailor her demands to the things she knows he likes.

Nah, it really doesn't work like that. I see that Jeff already answered for his gender, so I just thought I'd chime in for Mine. I might even go so far as to say I probably sound like a broken record because I'm always telling folks that submission isn't about doing only the things that you like and it damn sure ain't for a slave.

In fact, I think it was Michael and I who had a great conversation on one of these threads some time back about how we both like having those activities when we know the s-type doesn't like what they are doing or what is being done to them. That's power, control, authority, and all of it is a turn on. No, it's not every day, but it's damn fun (and hot) when somebody submits that way.

I don't even think I would want a slave who actually liked every single thing I did to him. That might actually bore Me.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 6:01:19 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		What both Jeff and LP said.

I don't have a huge choice in men. There are none to an extreme couple who might turn me on enough to want them. It took me 8 years just to find Master! And no he won't do anything to keep me and no I don't get to tell him what to do and no I don't get to pick and choose. It's either do as I'm told or I'm free to walk out the door.



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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 6:07:56 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
And no he won't do anything to keep me and no I don't get to tell him what to do and no I don't get to pick and choose. It's either do as I'm told or I'm free to walk out the door.

Thanks for not mentioning that sniper I have posted on the rooftop across from said door


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 6:09:59 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
And no he won't do anything to keep me and no I don't get to tell him what to do and no I don't get to pick and choose. It's either do as I'm told or I'm free to walk out the door.

Thanks for not mentioning that sniper I have posted on the rooftop across from said door



Well if I do that then I might draw attention to the fact that I'm your prisoner.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/14/2012 9:31:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justacleaner


In lifestyle relationships, say male Dom female sub female subs are so rare that any Dom lucky enough to find a real one is probably so terrified of losing her he'll do anything to keep her. So again in effect the sub has control, and the Dom only has the powers she allows him.




It's obvious you've never spoken to a submissive female. Because if you did, you would know that we wouldn't be with guys who gave us the control. If I have the control, I'm unhappy. So the only way he can keep me is by being the boss. If he turns into a sub I'm out of here.

The thing is, for you it's all about getting topped the way you want. That's common with male bottoms. You'll note I said bottom, not submissive. Because you aren't submissive.

It isn't about being done sexually the way I want to be done. Obviously we're compatible or we wouldn't have met to begin with. It's about not having to be the person in charge.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to justacleaner)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Topping from the bottom? - 11/15/2012 12:51:08 AM   
submissivemissk


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/30/2012
Status: offline 		I'm new to being a sub and so I think doms go easy on me... but I do feel like I "top from the bottom" sometimes...

It can be very confusing for me. It feels like one minute they're dominant - the next they are not so much....



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The best submissives in the world are those who willingly come to you and kneel, whispering of their love...

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Profile   Post #: 60
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