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RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 6:01:10 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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cordelia, first, just because some stranger tells you he's a Dom does not mean he is one.

Second, go to a munch. Not to meet a partner, but to meet people who are local. If you're considering someone local, the munchers may have heard of him, good or bad. Most decent Doms will care about their reputations.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 21

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 6:03:15 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

good for you, darlin!! and if at some point you get to where you feel you need a reality check, as you've seen, that can be found here :) Best wishes to you!

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(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 22

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 7:23:56 AM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline

Stick your finger up your ass and eat the residue?

Not exactly "Pretty Woman", is it?

A little sexual frission/anticipation at the beginning of a union is such a lovely and short-lived pleasure. It something to be savored and calibrated. You only get to be new together once.

You deserve classier behavior than this. That a decent, good-looking, open-minded woman like you is even tolerating such a miscreant is depressing.

There's a good book called "Bounderies". Get it. Memorize it.

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Post #: 23

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 7:46:48 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cordeliasub

I realize I wasn't clear in some of my OP

I separated from my husband a year and a half ago.

My first Sir and I wanted things to work despite the distance, which was why we decided on local play partners. However, in the end, and after my stupidity that one time, we realized that was not a solution and we parted ways as a D/s couple but remain friends.

As far as therapy goes, I already do that. Have been for years, which I started during my dysfunctional marriage.

I know who I am. However, I realize I am still not at the place where I expect others to know who I am. In other words...I know what I have to offer and that I have value....it's just that after the marriage I was in, it still surprises me when someone ELSE sees it, so I let them in too quickly. That is something I have to shore up before I proceed.

I live in a small, rural town, where the closest groups and munches are an hour and a half (or more) away. I have been a member of an excellent learning site for many months and am also a member at FL. I am thinking the solution here may be to check that I am looking for friends only for the time being so that I can interact in some way with actualy people who are in this lifestyle without becoming entangled until I am a little "tougher."

One thing I am learning is that though I am a newbie and tend to be a southern softie, I'm also remembering that I am not an empty headed idiot. I am an intelligent woman who is trying to learn about something new. The first time I was naive enough to drop the boundaries and then was berated by the man I was upset and tied in knots. This time I was pissed. I'm thinking there's some steel in here after all, which is good. In other words, ignorance is not a crime as long as I learn from my mistakes.

First off jumping from man, to man to man isn't healthy...these are relationships & people not lilly pads to hop on until the next big deal comes by.

If you're in the south find a woman with a firearm! Sounds silly on the surface but soccer mom with a side arm has a bucket of balls you could learn from!!
Being southern, or sweet or rural doesn't mean you need to lay down & show every man that walks by the welcome tattoo on your forehead!!!

Hour for a munch is not unrealistic. I'm in a large city & the better munches are 30 minutes south or 45 minutes north of where I am. First time get a hotel & make FEMALE friends at the munch. Interacting with subs up close will show you how ballsy many are when by themselves. Once friends are made, sofa or guest room so you can continue going shouldn't be as hard.

Ask your therapist this for me & listen to response: (nosey friend asked)
What is their opinion of why you feel the need to fill the emptyness you feel inside with dysfunctional men? What do they think you are trying to fix? Why is it so hard to stop repeating this pattern?

...I don't care what they say, but you need to listen closely to the answers they give

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 24

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 11:22:58 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

One thing I am learning is that though I am a newbie and tend to be a southern softie, I'm also remembering that I am not an empty headed idiot.

At the nude beach in South Florida, my girlfriends from Georgia had a hard time deflecting unwanted attention. Y'all are too nice :) While "fuck off" is much more clear than "bless your heart," you can find a middle ground.

Do do some work on healthy boundaries and stick to your guns. Focus on being clear rather than being polite or nice.

You will end up with a better pool of potentials if you refuse to do anything D/s until you have met them in person. You'll lose the ones who just want some quickie cybersex this way.

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(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 25

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 11:27:45 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I live in a small, rural town, where the closest groups and munches are an hour and a half (or more) away. I have been a member of an excellent learning site for many months and am also a member at FL. I am thinking the solution here may be to check that I am looking for friends only for the time being so that I can interact in some way with actualy people who are in this lifestyle without becoming entangled until I am a little "tougher."

Maybe look for female subs near you from this site and FL and make friends?

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 26

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 2:53:31 PM

cordeliasub

Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
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Thank you...very practical advice. And maybe I should dust off the Townsend and Cloud book with D/s in mind as well.

When I look at my own timeline, I do not SEE jumping from one person to the other....especially since there has only been one with two sets of 24-48 hour conversation over a period of the last couple of months. BUT, if I am going to be active in a search, I am going to have to learn how to navigate it with boundaries and clarity.

As a 44 year old successful mother and professional, I have strength. I also have "balls" when I need them.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 27

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/12/2012 3:25:46 PM

areallivehuman

Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline

Insist on real time meets. "Chat " non-sexually only until real time meet. Forget about being dominated remotely, until a relationship of some kind is established.

Unless you're interested in virtual relationship.

(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 28

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/14/2012 8:41:21 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

though I am a newbie and tend to be a southern softie

Uh, don't you all have a saying that goes something like "Bless your heart!"
I heard it was invented by southern women who were too polite to say "Go Fuck Yerself!"

Seriously, my Kim had the same problem before she met me, that the desire to please combined with naivete made for some disasterous encounters.

Just think of potential Doms like vanilla bachelors, and treat them accordingly. We introduce, we flirt, then date, court, and marry.

Good luck.

< Message edited by AnimusRex -- 11/14/2012 8:42:17 PM >

(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 29

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 8:05:20 AM

cordeliasub

Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

LOL

Bless your heart has many variations:

"Suzanne's mam just fell and broke her hips and had to have two pins put in" - "Oh! Bless her heart"

"I am so tired from making those 45 peach cobblers for the hospital charity bake sale." - "Bless your heart, you're such a saint."

"That man thought he could buy himself a boat when I need to pay for some new patio furniture!" - "Bless his heart"

"Did you see that woman in Wal mart with the Blue and yellow fuzzy pajama pants and the pink sweatshirt???" - "Bless Her heart"

And of course.....the one you mentioned...which I have thought several times lately.... ;)

(in reply to AnimusRex)

Post #: 30

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 8:10:40 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cordeliasub
Apparently there are man who want to take their time building trus

Yup... it's true. Some of us are more interested in actual trust than the pretense of it. Some of us want actual respect rather than mumbled honorifics. Some of us want a full contact relationship which very definitely includes all the emotional angles. If that's what you're looking for then you need to learn to sort out those who want something different.

Here's a little tip off. The first questions out of my lips/fingers are not sexual in nature. That's because sex is not anywhere near the top of my priority tree. So simply following my natural curiosity about another human I'd be asking very different questions. When I eventually did get to the sex questions the context would be entirely different so they wouldn't register the same way. Ditto with the question about your daughter which I'd also ask... eventually.

In other words I think you can pretty safely take a look at the order someone asks questions in and assume priorities align with that.

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officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 31

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 8:22:33 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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Heres a rule I established, in my short experience.

Sorry if anyone is offended but thats the breaks.......lol.

A guy who you can build trust with, is gonna want to know you first, one who is all about sex, is gonna talk sex right off the bat. Has zero respect or limits and really isnt listening to your cues, he is listening to his pecker.
You dont have to be a doormat unless you want to be. YOUR RULES to find someone worthy.
Im pretty assertive, so I dont have a problem speaking my mind. But I think it s good advice if you are looking for a worthwhile partner vs a horny quicky.

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(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 32

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 8:35:55 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Heres a rule I established, in my short experience.

Sorry if anyone is offended but thats the breaks.......lol.

A guy who you can build trust with, is gonna want to know you first, one who is all about sex, is gonna talk sex right off the bat. Has zero respect or limits and really isnt listening to your cues, he is listening to his pecker.
You dont have to be a doormat unless you want to be. YOUR RULES to find someone worthy.
Im pretty assertive, so I dont have a problem speaking my mind. But I think it s good advice if you are looking for a worthwhile partner vs a horny quicky.

That's pretty much dead on. If the first thing that someone wants to talk about is sex or BDSM, that's pretty much all they're interested in.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 33

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 10:29:52 AM

SchrodingerSock

Posts: 59
Joined: 11/7/2012
From: Scotland
Status: offline

50 shades of bollocks - my 154 year olde cat can write better and he is senile.

rubs himself in lard and smiles at the ladies

posts
1) You feed of attention your are beyond people like me scope you will continually drift from one person to the next who satisfies your whimsical nature - whilst blaming everyone else.
2) 100% of that lot are married
3) i don't follow what you saying with your third post?

hope that helped

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wE arE tHe voiCes, We SAtuRaTe yOur aLPHA brain WAveS, ThIs is nOt YoUR DrEAm Tis oURrs. The wiZaRd of Oz, shoES, CaLcuLUs, FrIDGE SProcKeTs, SLoBbers, Evil guffawing. We DeEManDErs Sloowee DAnCiNG, SmOOches – whisper whisper & CaAkEE.

(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 34

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 11:07:08 AM

cordeliasub

Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SchrodingerSock

50 shades of bollocks - my 154 year olde cat can write better and he is senile.

rubs himself in lard and smiles at the ladies

posts
1) You feed of attention your are beyond people like me scope you will continually drift from one person to the next who satisfies your whimsical nature - whilst blaming everyone else.
2) 100% of that lot are married
3) i don't follow what you saying with your third post?

hope that helped

Actually it does...in a variety of ways

(in reply to SchrodingerSock)

Post #: 35

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 11:17:03 AM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Heres a rule I established, in my short experience.

Sorry if anyone is offended but thats the breaks.......lol.

A guy who you can build trust with, is gonna want to know you first, one who is all about sex, is gonna talk sex right off the bat. Has zero respect or limits and really isnt listening to your cues, he is listening to his pecker.
You dont have to be a doormat unless you want to be. YOUR RULES to find someone worthy.
Im pretty assertive, so I dont have a problem speaking my mind. But I think it s good advice if you are looking for a worthwhile partner vs a horny quicky.

Very well said, and this goes for finding male submissives as well. The ones who start off by excitedly asking questions about what will be done to them and describing how hard their dick is at the moment are only interested in making THEMSELVES happy. It's best to just ignore that type in favor of the ones who want to BUILD something.

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 36

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 12:36:38 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

It's hard to imagine someone in their 40's <i checked> to be so insecure and thin skinned to be concerned about when a complete faceless stranger calls them names. Kinda like a 10 year old running home from school saying "mommy kids at school are calling me names". Get over it already

BadOne

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(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 37

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 5:23:53 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

When I look at my own timeline, I do not SEE jumping from one person to the other

I didn't see that either. You will find that some people here get you and some do not. You will have a more pleasant experience if you give your energy to the people with whom you resonate, rather than the ones who don't get you.

(I don't judge people who do jump, but if they are looking to not jump, I'd have advice rather than judgement.)

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(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 38

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/15/2012 6:09:14 PM

cordeliasub

Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

Thanks. I think it was a good idea to put the questions out there though. I got some good perspectives, and I am...well, let's just say I think I found some of the spunk I had forgotten about ;)

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 39

RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? - 11/21/2012 8:59:29 AM

arc2456

Posts: 36
Joined: 11/14/2012
Status: offline

I get rejected a lot of the time, but you have to be realistic you're not going to have every person wanting to be with you.
The people that reply they are not interested I thank and move on.
Even if someone is not interested you can sometimes be able to be a friend, and you can never have enough friends in the world.

_____________________________

“No. No, I don’t want my hands restrained.”
“Yes. You do.”
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(in reply to cordeliasub)

Post #: 40

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