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Have you ever relocated? - 11/17/2012 11:20:06 AM

CharmingKitty

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How many of you have relocated for a bdsm relationship?

Good experiences? Horror stories?

Did the relocation factor into the relationship dynamic? (i.e isolated slave in a new country)

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/17/2012 1:39:35 PM

littlewonder

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Yup, twice now.

It has never been a big deal to me. I've moved lots and lots and lots of times in my life so moving again has never been a big deal to me. When I moved to the ex-Dom I had no problem with where I lived. I had a problem with him but I got over it and moved on. Then I met Master and moved here to Baltimore to be with him. So far so good. No problems whatsoever.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/17/2012 1:51:08 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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He relocated to me.

It's difficult to say how it affected things since we have nothing to compare it to. I suppose it made us move more quickly than if we had been local. We talked for a looooong time before we made the decision for him to move, but we had actually only met in person twice. And would I have married at 20 if not for visa issues? Doubtful. But we did and blah blah happily ever after.

Isolation wasn't an issue particularly. Money was an issue. He legally couldn't work for a while, and when he did get a job it was poorly paid due to no references/experience in this country. So the pressure was all on me to support us both.

So mostly our issues with relocation weren't D/s specific. We did have D/s issues, but they would have happened anyway I think.

The only thing is, a period of long distance gave us lots of chance to build up ideas about how the relationship would function and give us over-confidence in our D/s roles. We had to take some big steps back because of unrealistic expectations. I wonder if we had been local, maybe that would have happened less since we would have eased in more gradually. Who knows.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/17/2012 2:20:18 PM

OsideGirl

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Yup, although I was ready to get out of where I was, anyway. I moved to CA, but before I moved I had a job and a place to live. I did not move in with my Dom.

The relationship did not survive being in proximity. Things were vastly different when we closer to each other.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/17/2012 3:55:34 PM

artemiss

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Thinking about doing so this coming spring, but have to say my situation is different than many. I don't have children or a job that is important to me. My family is scattered across the country. My house is paid off so renting it out will give me income and security. Basically I don't feel I have much to loose, and don't want to be faced with what ifs because fear kept me from trying.

My advice to you is talk everything out clearly. Make sure you have a contingency plan. And most important, follow your instincts.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/17/2012 7:43:58 PM

kitkat105

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Yep. I moved from a small town in Australia to the Bay area, California. Not really any issues D/s wise - we are luckily fairly compatible and that was established just by talking. As far as relationships go, I think we are doing pretty well for people who only came back into each other's lives 13 months ago. I didn't have anything attaching me to back home, Mr Odeen is financially secure enough to support me while we wait for my visa to be processed.

Might sound like a contradiction, but I would only be doing it if you are 100% confident it's the right decision for you, at this time in your life. Can you make friends easily? Are your job propsects good? Can you finance the relocation yourself & still have money in case it goes 'belly up'?

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/17/2012 8:14:22 PM

DesFIP

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He moved, not me. Only a few hours but the same problems of relocation arose that always do. You have to find a job, learn the best commute, find coworkers to lunch with, find places you enjoy for lunch. You have to share the living space, which involves some redecorating. His pictures went up on the wall along with mine.

The thing he found the hardest was finding a morning coffee shop where they remembered how he likes his coffee. Becoming a regular and have them know it without trying to get black with sugar and no cream. You have no idea how many times people put cream in it even when told not to. Then he'd be two miles down the road when he took the first sip and it was undrinkable.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/18/2012 9:25:00 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CharmingKitty

Did the relocation factor into the relationship dynamic? (i.e isolated slave in a new country)

You focused on "isolated in a new place", but main factor this type of relationship fails is the proximity factor. When you're far apart and only see each other once a month, once every two months, once every three months....you tend to be so happy to see each other that you over look and automatically forgive things that you wouldn't if you didn't have that excitement going on.

So, you need to make sure that you have an exit plan and a place to go if the relationship fails.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 11/18/2012 9:28:02 AM >

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/18/2012 10:14:21 PM

Nakhla

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I've relocated three times - all outside the country! ( I swear: I'm not fleeing Canada, it just wound up that way. )

I don't know if my experiences were like yours, but let me say this: have a back-up plan. Even if said back up plan is just 6k in a bank that Mr. Dom can't touch. Other than that, it's not always bad to take a leap into the unknown, and I don't regret any of my experiences even if I'm, regretfully, single, so it's obvious those didn't work out.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 12:48:29 AM

littlewonder

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When I moved here to Master I got my own place but only a couple miles away from each other. This has given us time to adjust to each other because we knew it wouldn't be the same as when we were only visiting every few weeks. We knew we would have to make adjustments, he wanted me to make sure I could stand on my own two feet. Hell, it's been a year and a half and we're still making adjustments.

So yeah, when you move, have a backup plan if you don't plan on having your own place away from him. Otherwise you may end up with no place to go and no money. It's a lot different when you are moving from one continent to another. I've never done that, only state to state which is much much easier.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 7:25:25 AM

SimplyMichael

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A while back I met a woman who I did some serious flirting with. She had come to realize that to find the man she wanted there was a high probability she would have to movr. She actually shifted careers, changed major elements of her life so that moving would be easy.

It inspired me. I sold my house, my career in sales is ideal, most of the contents of my house were stolen, so not a lot if crap to drag with me. I would move but the mountains cant be far away and the weather cant be shitty.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 7:39:13 AM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I would move but the mountains cant be far away and the weather cant be shitty.

Lol define shitty ;) we have mountains nearby and I think the weather is awesome, but then again I'm a little crazy

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 7:46:12 AM

SimplyMichael

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Muggy sucks as does months of snow alternating with really hot summers.

I am spoiled, California has such beautiful weather, lol. I will say this, Canada seems to be filled with the hottest and most depraved women, so its a go!

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 8:23:05 AM

PrincessDonna11

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Ok maybe its just me but I'm going to do some serious actions before I move with anyone at all, I'm going to check their credit to make sure Im not falling into a "opps take care of me "trap I moved once to Denver with a sub and as soon as we got there I noticed traits I wouldnt be able to live with such as blowing his nose and leaving the tissue ANYWHERE, at the table at dinner and leaving the snotty napkin on the plate, it got to the point where servers couldnt stand to see him coming and I couldnt stand to be around him.. he didnt do it while we were getting to know each other.. I loved Denver, hated my situation and started looking for another sub but in the end came back west... I want to see someone in their OWN place to see how they live...went to Reno to VISIT someone and when I first get there we leave the train station going to the car and he stops and takes a piss on the wall right outside the station, families and kids everywhere.. I stepped back in the station and waited for the next train home..he begged (on knees) for about 10 min but it was amazing to me that he didnt understand what I was leaving for....

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 8:58:08 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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He relocated to me from Alaska, which was a huge move distance wise, but certainly didn't have the additional struggles of moving to a new country with visa issues, etc.

In order to move he sold or got rid of most of his larger possessions like furniture. His books and collectibles were stored at his brothers until they could be shipped. So basically he moved with a few large suitcases.

He moved to me at the same time we met (bold man). The plan was for him to get his own place so we could get to know each other slowly; we knew we'd be starting over when we transitioned from online to real time.

Circumstances with my ex didn't allow that to work out (the ex kidnapped my daughter and took her back up to chgo). We were forced by finances to put our lot together (he'd spent most of his savings on the move) and moved back up north together, which is how we ended up in Indiana.

Although it wasn't in the plan, he (basically) ended up rescuing me, since on my own I would not have been able to afford the move. He also provided major emotional support through a hugely difficult time with the ex.

On the one hand, it was great, as I know how he reacts in an emergency and when the chips are down. He maintained his own laid back, emotionally low key personality throughout. He never over-reacted, or blamed me for circumstances, and he always used his brain. We became long life best friends, and that's a huge plus in any relationship.

On the other hand, it wasn't so great, as we were thrown together even though we didn't know each other that well into circumstances that were financially rough and emotionally charged, and were (initially at least) very challenging. Though we rose to the challenge it took a toll on our D/s relationship -- I was so emotionally whacked out from my daughter's kidnapping and my ex's incredible power games, he felt he had to back off from being my dominant until things were more stable.

That took some time, as I had to get myself in much more emotionally healthy state. (Those nasty ex's can take a toll).

Would I recommend relocation for others? Of course, if you feel you know the person well enough, if their words match their actions, if they see building trust as the cornerstone of the relationship.

Now, if there's a nasty ex in the background who's going to flip when he finds out you have another, things can get challenging. You find out sooner as opposed to later what you're both made of.

And yeah, have a back up plan.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 9:19:28 AM

angelikaJ

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Yes! Have a backup plan.

My other suggestion is to really be sure this is what you want.
If you get red flags, pay attention and heed them.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/19/2012 10:20:38 AM

kalikshama

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I formed the intention of moving to Florida in February of 2004 and within a few months a friend introduced me to a man who lived there. We had a LD relationship for six months and I moved to be with him in November of 2004 and had a similar experience as OG:

quote:

The relationship did not survive being in proximity. Things were vastly different when we closer to each other.

I have returned to Massachusetts to be close to family and am not currently relocatable. I would encourage other interested in relocating to do this:

quote:

before I moved I had a job and a place to live. I did not move in with my Dom.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/23/2012 3:45:00 PM

mysteries1984

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No, but I would definitely consider it, if I wasn't in a relationship here. I'm in a small place that rains a lot, which would be a big push towards escaping.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/23/2012 10:46:38 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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I'm sure you're just making a cute comment regards to the weather, but I'd be extremely reluctant to support a partner to relocate if they thought of it in terms of 'escaping'. I don't want someone running away from their troubles.

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RE: Have you ever relocated? - 11/24/2012 1:20:46 AM

mysteries1984

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It's just the wording I used. Escaping is a bit flippant.

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