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Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 9:49:42 PM   
tinee


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/18/2012
Status: offline 		Hello. I'm brand new to the scene. One week to be exact. This is the first D/s relationship for my Master as well. After dating a couple of times, we discovered we both had this common interest. I assume we aren't doing each other and favours, both of us being inexperienced. I brought up the idea of a D/s relationship and he grabbed on to it immediately! I have done much research, on the Internet, because I wanted to follow some sort of protocol.
Sorry. I'm babbling.
Long story short. I approached him today because I feeling emotional. Needy. I know this may sound unattractive to a Dom, but in the name of transparency, I told him how I was feeling. I hoped he would want to offer me some sort of emotional support. That didn't happen. He told me to trust in him and to focus only on submitting to him.
My emotions are happy ones! But there are feelings I need to air out that are troubling. I know Dom's are different. He is finding his way, his style. But, is it unreasonable to get compassion from a Dom? I'm really having a hard time going thru this without emotional support. If I sound stupid, please forgive me. I feel stupid too.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 10:02:34 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		You're not doing anything wrong telling your top of unsteady feelings as you make this change. Its called power EXCHANGE for a reason!!
"Me top I know all" is a common disease of new doms. Unless he has a mentor, he's stalling until the internet, a book or porn give him the answer. Unsteady emotions are common, you're turning your life over to someone elses hands...they don't talk about that part in porn.

The loving dominant would be a good resource for him to start with, its basic care & feeding instructions. Book list can be found using the search function

BDSM checklist is something to go over to find common interests...this is with the caveat that he learn how to use said tools & deal with "emotional upheavals" that can result, we call those sub drop & maintenance is after care


< Message edited by theRose4U -- 11/19/2012 10:05:02 PM >

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to tinee)
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RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 10:08:18 PM   
tinee


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/18/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you for your reply. I will think of a way to gently suggest this to him.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 10:16:03 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tinee

Thank you for your reply. I will think of a way to gently suggest this to him.


Holidays are a good time for gifts. Add a pair of fuzzy hand cuffs...those he should know what to do with

Just take it easy on yourself!! Yes new/new is not the ideal situation, but if you take things slow & refrain from crazy stuff until your relationship & skill set improve you should be fine

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to tinee)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 10:25:42 PM   
MstSebastian


Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


"Me top I know all" is a common disease of new doms. Unless he has a mentor, he's stalling until the internet, a book or porn give him the answer. Unsteady emotions are common, you're turning your life over to someone elses hands...they don't talk about that part in porn.

Rose is absolutely right here. I admit, though I am ashamed of my behavior, I fell victim to that same disease when I was new to being a Dom. I had no mentor, nowhere to turn, and tried to figure it out all on my own. I tried to treat part-time play partners like they were full TPE slaves. I went overboard, and I paid the price for it as I lost out on some potentially amazing relationships due to my ignorance and arrogance.

Then, I met a Dom who snapped me back in to reality quickly and unapologetically. Though I was angry at him at the time, I know now just how right he was to do that. Because of him, I withdrew from interacting with submissives until I got a better handle on who I was and what I wanted to be as a Dom. As the old saying goes, "how can you dominate another until you can dominate yourself?"

I would recommend that he create a profile here as well, and seek out other Dominants to talk to and use as a sounding board and teacher. They can be male or female, gay or straight. But, as someone who fell in to the same trap in the beginning of my journey, I cannot overstate how important having a mentor and sounding board can be.

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 10:44:54 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Im going to preface what Im about to say with the caveat that we dominants are different and go about our dominance in different ways. I by no means am saying that what Im about to say is the one true way or anything like that. This is just how I personally roll as far as being a dominant goes. Its what works best for me.

As a dominant....I have an obligation to care for the physical, emotional, and mental well-being of the one who submits to me. For me, my joy and happiness that comes from the D/s relationship is one of shared mutual feelings with my submissive. When I was a young and novice dominant female coming up in the world, I too had the whole "Im the Domme, just meet my needs and dont worry about your own" mentality too. You know what they say about being young and dumb. Thankfully I matured out of that mentality because what Ive come to realize is that if I am doing what I can to meet the needs of my submissive, they are going to be able to put so much more into their effort to meet my needs.

You are both new to this. There are growing pains that will come as you both mature in your relationship with each other. This exchange of power between people can bring up some issues along the way, which ideally should be addressed. I personally feel that I should not be so stuck on my own dominance that I fail to nurture a fledgling submissive as they embark on this new path of their life. Someone in another thread once said that a dominant should set their submissive up to succeed. I agree with this completely. You set your submissive up to succeed by listening to them, doing what you can to meet their needs, and guide them towards the direction you would like for them to go. There isnt any shame in the dominant game if you provide your submissive with a little emotional support and encouragement as needed.

But again, this is just me

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 11/19/2012 10:46:00 PM >

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RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 11:24:43 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		What everyone else said with the addition of this:

You've been together ONE WEEK. Though I understand the intense desire to explore everything BDSM has to offer, you're moving too fast.

Have fun with the kink and bedroom things, but take the relationship things slow and careful. Remember, it takes weeks and months to build trust, and a mere second of stupidity can destroy it.


_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 11:25:07 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		Before the sex and the orders and whatever protocols get put in place, a relationship requires good communication.

Both of you are new and bound to make mistakes. That's ok. The best start to supporting one another (and yes, that's still true here) is through listening to, and being honest with, one another. He needs to know what you can handle; you need to know how he will guide you.

Don't be surprised if you find yourself behaving like you did in "vanilla" relationships. New sex doesn't make for a new you. Maybe he's used to the final say; maybe you need reassurance. Discuss that. "I want you to know... (I need/feel...)/(this is how I see...)" is a good start. With work on both your parts you can find a middle ground; and if things still don't work after you make the effort, then it wasn't meant to be.

Good luck to both of you. Like the Goreans say, I wish you well.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/19/2012 11:51:36 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tinee

Hello. I'm brand new to the scene. One week to be exact. This is the first D/s relationship for my Master as well. After dating a couple of times, we discovered we both had this common interest. I assume we aren't doing each other and favours, both of us being inexperienced. I brought up the idea of a D/s relationship and he grabbed on to it immediately! I have done much research, on the Internet, because I wanted to follow some sort of protocol.
Sorry. I'm babbling.

Long story short. I approached him today because I feeling emotional. Needy. I know this may sound unattractive to a Dom, but in the name of transparency, I told him how I was feeling. I hoped he would want to offer me some sort of emotional support. That didn't happen. He told me to trust in him and to focus only on submitting to him.

My emotions are happy ones! But there are feelings I need to air out that are troubling. I know Dom's are different. He is finding his way, his style. But, is it unreasonable to get compassion from a Dom? I'm really having a hard time going thru this without emotional support. If I sound stupid, please forgive me. I feel stupid too.


My dear, can you give us more information? What, specifically, was the emotional need you wanted to share? Is it something about which you felt hurt, fear, anger, confusion, etc. ? Is it something that has troubled you in the past? How, exactly, did you share it with him...what was your approach? With what degree of intensity? Was it in the form of a statement, or a direct request for help, information, understanding or compassion?

You say, "I'm really having a hard time going thru this without emotional support." What is the "this" to which you refer?

It sounds to me as though you wished to share something with him about which you already felt insecure, and perhaps did not express it in a way that would get you what you wanted, which left you with an unmet expectation, ergo the ensuing feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Please give us more, tinee.

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 12:01:08 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Wow A whole week. Where it me you approached with needy issues after that short amount of time, I'd be thinking " I don't need this BS in my relationship already" SeeYaBye

BadOne

_____________________________

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 12:41:42 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

What everyone else said with the addition of this:

You've been together ONE WEEK. Though I understand the intense desire to explore everything BDSM has to offer, you're moving too fast.

Have fun with the kink and bedroom things, but take the relationship things slow and careful. Remember, it takes weeks and months to build trust, and a mere second of stupidity can destroy it.



I agree with this.

In my personal opinion a week is way too soon to be just focusing on submitting to him. Hell, I still struggle with that now and it's my sixth anniversary this week.

The single most important tool you have at the start of a new D/s relationship is communication. You both need to be talking your asses off about what's working and what's not, what's worrying you, what you want to try next. Expect set backs.

On the face of it, I would usually say you should express your emotions and he should be helping you work through them. However - he's new too. It's entirely possible that he thinks that what he said is what he was supposed to say. And depending on what the emotional stuff was, most relationships are not ready for deep emotional talks this soon, with or without kink. So maybe he's just not ready to deal with it.

Forget about protocol. Forget about 'doms are different'. By all means read books and research online but never forget there is no single right way of doing this. What's right is what works for both of you. Throw out anything which tells you that you must do this or that. You can pick and chose your own rules and protocols. You need a relationship where you can air your concerns and feel supported. So make that relationship.

Start small. Pick something and try it. Whatever makes you both happy. Call him sir for the evening and fetch his drinks. Then talk about it. Let him pick out your clothes for a night out. Then talk about it. Ask his permission to buy yourself treats for a week. Then talk about it. If something isn't working for both of you, throw it out.

But honestly my main advice would be to chill out and spend some more time dating this guy. Just regular dating. Because it's easy in the early excitement to get all caught up in the fun of a D/s relationship and then realise later that's all there is and you don't actually have anything in common.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 2:24:13 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		troubled one week in? maybe you should ease up on the play and discuss the new dynamic with your guy. you could be feeling some sub frenzy, or it could be something deeper. whatever it is, deal with it now rather than later. in any relationship where two people are exploring something new, open and honest communication is the key to building a lasting bond. meeting other D/s couples may be useful as well.

(in reply to tinee)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 2:36:02 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello there,

What everyone else said, plus...

Sure, there are dominant guys (whether inexperienced or not) who "don't do nurturing", and that's perfectly ok, they'll make excellent matches for submissive gals who "don't need nurturing".

There's nothing wrong at all with needing a little nurturing, and I suppose I'd classify myself as more likely to nurture than not.

So... there is a chance that this chap isn't exactly right for you, or that you need to make your needs/wants clear and let him make a choice.

I do keep coming back in my head to "I'm brand new to the scene. One week to be exact".

Imagine a friend of yours came to you and said "I met this awesome guy 7 days ago, and I feel emotional and needy..." what would you say to them?

Personally, if they were a good friend of mine I'd say something like "Oh fuck off! You've only been seeing this person for a week! Get a hold of yourself!".

You're new to this, you've opened this pandora's box of kink, desires, needs and wants.... it's ok to find it a bit confusing, and a bit emotional, and it's perfectly understandable that you might interpret all of these endorphins that are beetling around your system as being a result of this particular chap.

Do you think that it's possible that they're more a result of your discoveries about yourself rather than this guy?

I'm not trying to belittle the Dom in question, but I'd suggest you search "sub frenzy" on these boards just to see if any of the discussion of that topic rings any bells.

Finally... Yep. I'll admit that like SailingBum, if someone I'd played with for only a week started expressing lots of needs for emotional support, I'd be a little creeped out, personally. It's wouldn't be your fault (or mine) it would just be a sign that we weren't made for eachother.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 2:39:43 AM   
tinee


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/18/2012
Status: offline 		@BadOne-Yes! My fears exactly! But. We had a vanilla relationship before this for about 3 months. There was sweetness and kindness and consideration that I enjoyed so much. It was very suddenly taken from me and that stings a little. Additionally, I did not say before, we live 3 hours away from each other. I have not seen him since before our agreement to enter this D/s relationship. Honestly, I miss him.
Another thing I am feeling is empowerment. As I surrender my will to my Dom, I feel stronger in other aspects of my life. I feel braver, like I can stand up for myself to others. This one particular girl at work for instance, once knew I wouldn't stand up to her nasty attitude towards me, but now, I'm ready to tell her where to stick it! I'm confused and excited by this. But I don't want to freak people out or go about things the wrong way. I've never felt empowered before. There's a rush that comes along with it. I want to shout it from the rooftops! It's exciting! But I'm afraid to go to my vanilla friends who only know what the media says about BDSM.
And love and adoration for my Dom. Another emotion. It's huge and swells! I tried to tell him. I gushed about how much I love him. He made me stop.
So yes. I am a bundle of emotions. As for my approach today. My Dom wanted to talk by texts. I asked if I could have some of his time. He said yes. I suggested looking for a friend for me, here on this sight. Someone I could share with, and could share their experience with me. My Dom asked if I trusted him, why did I need to go outside for support? I told him that it is him i want to talk to .I explained that because of his reaction before I didn't think he was willing. He only said that all I need do is to be ready to serve and I will be fine. He did however suggest bringing another sub into our relationship. I don't think this is a good idea for any of us and she would probably take one look at is and run.
I hope this answers some of the question. I hope it explains a little about my emotional state. I admit I feel a little defensive, BadOne, but I am feeling these emotions. I truly want a Dom who can at least humor me enough to just listen to me. I don't need to ramble every day, but I've been stifled. It's got to come out. Maybe slowly I can learn to deal with it on my own.
Good advise to take it slow. And I hope he does have a mentor. I have faith in him. I know we can do this. There are so many things he does so well. He gives me assignments. He checks in on me. He tells me what he wants to do to me when we finally have our first sexual D/s time together. He listened to me when I told him what I want my limits to be to start, and trust me, he has a lot of room to play! He is strong. His voice captivates me. I trust him. I know in my heart we can do this.
I've gone on to long. I can tell you, if no one ever reads this, I feel better just having said it. I may have found my own solution. A journal may help.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 2:47:17 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline
quote:

He only said that all I need do is to be ready to serve and I will be fine. He did however suggest bringing another sub into our relationship.


A week in, this would seriously make me walk away and not look back.

Good luck hon.

eta the reason I would walk

The two of you do not even have your dynamic into its toddlerhood, you have indicated this to him, and rather than address anything with you, he says just be ready to serve and oh yeah, ya can get me some more pussy if ya wanna.

To me, that does not show the type of person I could submit to.

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 11/20/2012 2:50:03 AM >

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yep

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RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 2:57:59 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tinee
I've never felt empowered before.
There's a rush that comes along with it.
I want to shout it from the rooftops!
It's exciting!


This is screaming "sub frenzy" to me. From the rooftops.

quote:


My Dom wanted to talk by texts.


What would you say to a friend who had a partner who only wanted to discuss emotional things via text?

quote:


He did however suggest bringing another sub into our relationship.


My immediate reaction to this was "WHAT THE FUCK??????"

Please... imagine one of your oldest friends had come to you with the same questions that you have, what would you tell them?


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 3:57:49 AM   
tinee


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/18/2012
Status: offline 		Well! It seems as though we both need to check ourselves. I'm taking my choice very seriously. I will not go into a situation that will harm me. I'm going to ask my Dom to study a little. I'm going to back up a little. I really want my first experience to be with him. However, we need to approach this differently, obviously. Perhaps we're not in the right "place" emotionally? We do have feelings for each other but we deserve to get a good experience out of this.
I'll try and keep you posted? Thank you. All of you. Clearly, this is a community that cares and feels responsible for their "family".
Does coming here make me a bad sub? Lol! Thanks again all of you.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 4:20:30 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Coming here means you are an intelligent person who knows when they need more information and can find experienced sources.

In my mind, there are no bad subs, just bad dominants.

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 5:18:40 AM   
cordeliasub


Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline 		I like what ChatteParfait and crazyml have to say (in fact, in my short time, I have already figured out that when they comment, I should read closely).

I am not a bastion of experience, but I can say that if you are at all like me, a Dom who expects a ready made sub with whom they will never have to experience emotion or to whom they will not have to give emotional support, they are not the Dom for me. A Dom who says "let's get another girl" or "I'm outtie" the first time you actually show humanness....well, honestly just screams "lazy narcissist" to me.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 6:03:21 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You're both going to go crazy trying to figure this out. I'd suggest getting together socially with other D/s couples and seeing how it works for them. Meet 'em at a munch if you can, and try to get two or three for different perspectives.

I disagree that "Doms are different". We're only different in that we want control, and some of us like to tie up and whack our partners. IOW, his emotional distance is not due to him being a Dom (if he is indeed one).

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to cordeliasub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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