RE: Getting a little emotional.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Getting a little emotional.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Getting a little emotional.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 6:32:51 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Ya know it sounds like you have "discovered" something about yourself. Whether it's BDSM related or not truly doesn't matter. Kinky or not a relationship is a relationship if he is not meeting your needs it's time need to move on.

To CP Thanks for the laff of the day. "In my mind, there are no bad subs, just bad dominants." For every wacked out dom there is a least one psycho bitch.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 21

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 6:59:53 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

To CP Thanks for the laff of the day. "In my mind, there are no bad subs, just bad dominants." For every wacked out dom there is a least one psycho bitch.

BadOne

Of course there are. But a good dominant will be a good judge of character, a good decision maker, as well as controlled enough not to think with their private parts. Which means a good dominant would not choose the psycho bitch for their submissive.

It's fairly simple, you choose an s-type who is emotionally healthy, and then the rest of the relationship *IS* on the dominant as the primary leader and decision maker. If things begin to go pear shaped, it's the dominant who should be there with options for how to get things back on track, and most especially if the s-type doesn't seem to be able.

I have this odd idea that being in charge actually means taking responsibility.

_____________________________

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 22

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 7:47:03 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

You have each fallen victim to the two forms of porn, "uber master" and "uber slave"

You had a great vanilla relationship and the D/s is screwing it up because you both started acting roles instead of being who you are. You need to keep the vanilla and add in power exchange, not the way around.

As for your feeling powerful, this isnt sexy but that power was always there, it doesnt flow from him. He might be a catalyst but you have that same powere with or without him.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 23

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 8:03:19 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinee

He told me to trust in him and to focus only on submitting to him.

I always find that someone telling someone "just trust me" is like saying "just flap your arms and fly". Trust comes from a feeling of security. Trust is earned. It is earned when actions prove that the person is trustworthy. If he expects you to trust him he needs to be prepared that it will take time and effort on his part.

quote:

I know Dom's are different.

The only way they're different is that they lead the relationship. Being a Dom doesn't mean that you get a pass on being an active participant in the relationship. They still need to communicate, put in effort and be responsible for his actions.

quote:

But, is it unreasonable to get compassion from a Dom? I'm really having a hard time going thru this without emotional support.

Of course it's not unreasonable. Matter of fact I would say it's essential. A good Dominant gives his submissive the tools she needs to succeed. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation. If he is unwilling to meet your emotional needs, you're going to need to do some serious thinking about this relationship.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 11/20/2012 8:21:29 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to tinee)

Post #: 24

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 8:07:04 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Whoa.

OK. So you've been together for three months. A week ago, you said 'let's try dom/sub' and since then he has withdrawn the nice warm emotional stuff you were enjoying, and no longer wants to discuss your feelings? Am I understanding that right?

If so: Why?

A D/s relationship is STILL a relationship. It should enhance the connection you already have, not change it completely. If you had something that worked, why throw it out of the window and start play-acting the roles of Master and slave? Any major change in a relationship needs discussion. D/s is not an easy way out of all the normal emotional issues every couple has to face together. You don't get a free pass to say 'oh but we're D/s so we can just skim over that part and say 'obey' and all will be well'. Once again, forget what you've read in books or seen in porn about what Masters and slaves are 'supposed' to act like. Work on something that meets your needs.

Next thing: It is ALWAYS a bad sign when a person pulls the 'you shouldn't need support from anyone but me'. At best it's a sign of insecurity - he clearly feels that you having other friends means he's somehow inadequate. Which is silly - no one can be everything a person needs. At worst, it spells big trouble down the line. I'm not saying that he is this kind of guy, but a lot of unsavory characters will attempt to isolate their partner from people who might otherwise give them sensible advice. They don't want anyone making them look bad or showing them up. If I were entering a relationship with someone new to D/s I'd want them reaching out to all sorts of people with experience so that they could learn, and get comfortable with themselves, and figure out what interested them and hopefully learn from other's mistakes. I sure as hell wouldn't want to make them feel guilty for wanting to talk to others.

As for 'we could add another sub' - let's just look at that for a moment. Adding another person is a difficult and complicated thing that even couples who are rock-solid with years together struggle with and fail at. Your relationship is new, and already he's unwilling to talk with you about your worries and concerns. Does this seem like the kind of stable environment that could cope with the upheaval of adding a new person into the mix? And think of that person - should they settle for someone who won't talk about their concerns? Should they have the pressure of 'fixing' the problems in an existing relationship. Not to mention that even if you did have it all sorted, there are thousands of couples looking for a third and just about no-one who wants to be that third. So it's an unrealistic goal.

I sound harsh so I will say this: he may be a lovely person. He may have the potential to be a great dom. It's entirely possible that all of this is cluelessness/'dom frenzy' which is leading him to getting over excited and behaving in the way he imagines a dom is supposed to behave rather than actually thinking about the relationship issues. But it can't carry on or your relationship won't last. Never mind 'I hope he has a mentor' - ask him! Go out to a munch together and look for one. As a sub you have a right to have a dom who knows what they are doing or at least is working hard to learn.

Being dominant is a sexual preference. Because he wants to dom you doesn't mean he is automatically capable of doing so, any more than me feeling an affinity for the outdoors means I'm capable of surviving in the wilderness without proper training. Do you see what I'm getting at?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 25

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 8:19:42 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinee
My Dom asked if I trusted him, why did I need to go outside for support?

Because it's normal and important for our mental health to have interaction, friendship and support from more than one person in our lives. He's not omnipotent. Matter of fact, he's a novice. He doesn't have the knowledge base for him to be the only person that you go to.

FYI, the "I don't want you talking to anyone but me" is a red flag.

quote:

He only said that all I need do is to be ready to serve and I will be fine.

Bullshit. He needs to stop believing his ego and start talking to people that have been in long term D/s relationships to gain some perspective.

quote:

He did however suggest bringing another sub into our relationship. I don't think this is a good idea for any of us and she would probably take one look at is and run.

Poly only works when the primary relationship is absolutely secure. Your relationship is far from being in a position where it can be considered a prospect for poly.

Let's face it: He doesn't know what to do with the submissive he has, how the hell does he think he could handle two?

Seriously, he needs a mentor. He's got his head up his ass and he clearly needs some help pulling it out.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 11/20/2012 8:43:08 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to tinee)

Post #: 26

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 8:39:02 AM

MstSebastian

Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Let's face it: He doesn't know what to do with the submissive he has, how the hell does he think he could handle two?

Seriously, he needs a mentor. He's got his head up his ass and he clearly needs some help pulling it out.

My thoughts exactly. It doesn't sound so much like he wants a submissive partner, so much as he wants a mindless sex slave. And, by virtue of saying they should bring in another submissive, it sounds like he is going down the "The more, the merrier" path.

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 27

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 9:21:43 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

I too agree with everything you have had to say on the subject too, OsideGirl.

OP, the fantasy of D/s and the reality of D/s can be very different things. No person, whether they are dominant or submissive, is an island onto themselves. Ive been doing this myself for over 15 years now and Ill be the first one to tell you that I know there is always something new to learn from others. Your guy honestly sounds like he has the classic "new Dom" mentality. There is a HUGE difference between calling yourself "DOM" and truly having earned it. Earning it takes time and having an open mind to be able to develop your dominant craft. Yeah, I said earning it. Its one thing to say you are dominant and quite another to show you are dominant. Im telling you that there honestly is a cost to be the boss. Your guy needs to learn that.

The warning signs are all posted, the red lights are flashing, and the red flags are waving in the breeze. Seriously....slow down a little. When the rush of this is over, the reality of it will set in. There is a very real possibility you two doing serious damage to your baseline relationship during this frenzy that both of you are operating under. Do not buy into the "just focus on submitting to me and you will be fine" crap. Yep, thats what it is.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 11/20/2012 9:27:29 AM >

(in reply to MstSebastian)

Post #: 28

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 9:28:24 AM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinee

He told me to trust in him and to focus only on submitting to him.
I always find that someone telling someone "just trust me" is like saying "just flap your arms and fly". Trust comes from a feeling of security. Trust is earned. It is earned when actions prove that the person is trustworthy. If he expects you to trust him he needs to be prepared that it will take time and effort on his part.

quote:

I know Dom's are different.
The only way they're different is that they lead the relationship. Being a Dom doesn't mean that you get a pass on being an active participant in the relationship. They still need to communicate, put in effort and be responsible for his actions.

quote:

But, is it unreasonable to get compassion from a Dom? I'm really having a hard time going thru this without emotional support.

Of course it's not unreasonable. Matter of fact I would say it's essential. A good Dominant gives his submissive the tools she needs to succeed. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation. If he is unwilling to meet your emotional needs, you're going to need to do some serious thinking about this relationship.

1. It would have been different if he had said, "I really want you to be comfortable enough to trust me, how can I help you?"
2. Communication is very important, and he should be putting in equal effort to meet you halfway.
3. Compassion, communication, and responsibility are essential to forming ANY functional relationship. If he has no empathy for your feelings, how will he possibly be able to balance your needs while bringing another sub into the relationship?

I think you need to speak up, sit down with him, and discuss this.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 29

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 9:51:31 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

So you and many others have gone down the "he just doesn't care" route. I had a different interpretation. Sometimes I say such things to Carol. I might say something like, 'What you need to do, Mine, is keep your eyes firmly glued on my shoulders and follow my lead. You need to let me worry about the path in front of us."

The thing is, that works for us (sometimes) because Carol has 18 years of trust and respect banked in me. That's a pretty deep pool to draw on when I think "because I said so" is the right answer. I wonder if you're dom just read one too many posts from long-timers like me and failed to translate into his actual relationship.

Also unlike others, I don't personally find you being "emotionally needy" one week into your first BDSM relationship terribly surprising. Heck, I tend to go head over heels myself so I'm pretty emotionally needy in the first 6 months of any relationship.

Insofar as what to do about all this? You and he need to talk. At that point you will find out whether you two have what it takes to turn your hot fantasy into some sort of reality.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to tinee)

Post #: 30

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 10:02:51 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

He only said that all I need do is to be ready to serve and I will be fine. He did however suggest bringing another sub into our relationship. I don't think this is a good idea for any of us and she would probably take one look at is and run.

Someone should be running, but as you are in the midst of sub-frenzy, it won't be you.

I suggest you two slow way the hell down and forget refering to him as Master until he has actually mastered something.

Here's a booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Y'all should also check on fetlife for groups near you and explore going to BDSM events and munches.

You said you are three hours away - how often do you see each other?

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to tinee)

Post #: 31

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 10:15:24 AM

Exidor

Posts: 135
Joined: 12/31/2011
Status: offline

quote:

"Me top I know all" is a common disease of new doms.

<flinch> At least I eventually grew out of it...

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 32

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 10:27:56 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Unless something gets put in check, I see this going down in a gulf of flames.

Let Me see if I've got it right. OP, you were dating this guy for roughly three months. You live three hours apart, so you were seeing each other, what? One, maybe twice a week?

Last week, you decided to add D/s. It doesn't really sound like you added it. Sounds more like the fantasy stuff took over and now everybody is their "role". This guy you were dating suddenly says everything is fine as long as you serve. Even better, you're both new to it and you want to throw somebody else in the picture. Don't forget that, a whole week into this, we're already not discussing things, so three people instead of two has chaos written all over it.

I don't know whether to call this a soap opera or a tragedy, but if you don't fix this situation, you are not looking at a happy ending.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Exidor)

Post #: 33

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 12:06:24 PM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Unless something gets put in check, I see this going down in a gulf of flames.

Let Me see if I've got it right. OP, you were dating this guy for roughly three months. You live three hours apart, so you were seeing each other, what? One, maybe twice a week?

Last week, you decided to add D/s. It doesn't really sound like you added it. Sounds more like the fantasy stuff took over and now everybody is their "role". This guy you were dating suddenly says everything is fine as long as you serve. Even better, you're both new to it and you want to throw somebody else in the picture. Don't forget that, a whole week into this, we're already not discussing things, so three people instead of two has chaos written all over it.

I don't know whether to call this a soap opera or a tragedy, but if you don't fix this situation, you are not looking at a happy ending.

THREE MONTHS? Ooops, I didn't catch that part of it. I agree with LadyPact....but adding My two cents, this guy is just looking for Fjck toys. END IT.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 34

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 2:50:16 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

To CP Thanks for the laff of the day. "In my mind, there are no bad subs, just bad dominants." For every wacked out dom there is a least one psycho bitch.

BadOne

Of course there are. But a good dominant will be a good judge of character, a good decision maker, as well as controlled enough not to think with their private parts. Which means a good dominant would not choose the psycho bitch for their submissive.

It's fairly simple, you choose an s-type who is emotionally healthy, and then the rest of the relationship *IS* on the dominant as the primary leader and decision maker. If things begin to go pear shaped, it's the dominant who should be there with options for how to get things back on track, and most especially if the s-type doesn't seem to be able.

I have this odd idea that being in charge actually means taking responsibility.

I understand your followup to my post. However is has no bearing on your original statement. What one person considers a good dom will differ from another and the same is true for submissives. The point being there are plenty of "bad" submissives and doms out there it depends on who is doing the evaluation.

General statements like that may sound good but in reality have no basis in fact.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 35

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 4:34:14 PM

tinee

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/18/2012
Status: offline

I can't express how appreciative I am to all of you for you frankness, criticism, and advise. I have taken this to heart. I talked to my man this morning. He stepped down without a struggle. Perhaps this was harder for him than I thought. He still wants D/s "playtime". I am down for this. I'm hoping maybe this way we can slowly and gradually move up from there, as I really want to explore this with him, but I won't push it. I'm so glad he wants to continue our vanilla relationship. I'm hoping we will learn from this.
Thank you all. I didnt expect such an outpouring of response!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 36

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 7:22:27 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

What would you say to a friend who had a partner who only wanted to discuss emotional things via text?

I just have to inject a tangent here.

I would say "wow, how great!"

One of the most effective tools I've used to get a messed up couple talking was to suggest they do it over MSN, rather than face to face, because they weren't connecting face to face, while the text medium let them broach difficult topics to each other and kept things civil. It ended up working much like how some couples therapists use formal tools in conversations (e.g. talking stick or whatever).

Not saying it's a good thing, just saying it's not necessarily a bad thing.

The whole "bringing another sub into it after a week" part, however, strikes me as almost certainly a bad sign.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 37

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/20/2012 7:32:07 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

To CP Thanks for the laff of the day. "In my mind, there are no bad subs, just bad dominants." For every wacked out dom there is a least one psycho bitch.

If the psycho bitch consents to me taking whatever steps I consider necessary to turn her into a net win, I will. If she doesn't, I'll point out the big wooden board in a frame and how to use the handle. And, as CP said, I try to avoid picking up a nutcase unless I want nuts; I like a challenge, but I try not to bite off more than I can spit out if chewing proves too difficult.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 38

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/21/2012 6:45:59 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

One of the most effective tools I've used to get a messed up couple talking was to suggest they do it over MSN, rather than face to face, because they weren't connecting face to face, while the text medium let them broach difficult topics to each other and kept things civil. It ended up working much like how some couples therapists use formal tools in conversations (e.g. talking stick or whatever).

Not saying it's a good thing, just saying it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I always thought face to face was best until I was in a relationship with someone who would always walk out of the room after making a statement, or look at the TV, or look at the laptop. This irritated me so much that I resorted to IM. (We are no longer together.)

While I semi-approve of a textual medium, I wouldn't recommend attempting to resolve relationship issues via texting on a phone, unless one is as comfortable on a tiny keyboard as full sized.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 39

RE: Getting a little emotional. - 11/21/2012 12:59:41 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

Good point.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Getting a little emotional.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094