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when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/19/2012 10:45:03 PM

anonforumacct

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Joined: 11/19/2012
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how do you want them to handle a past which includes sexual abuse and all? i'm asked all the time about my experience, my sexual history, and i never know how should i answer. do i pretend that never happened until we know each other better? do i just blurt it out and get it over with? in a vanilla relationship i might never bring it up but my preferred version of D/s includes tastes of the things that used to hurt me.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/19/2012 10:53:08 PM

tsoyka

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From: United States
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I would say bring it up...if it is uncomfortable to talk about say so, but if you a looking to build a trusting relationship...bring it up....springing this type of information later could cause trust issues in a long term commitment.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/19/2012 11:08:26 PM

RemoteUser

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I would expect her to handle it in the manner that works for her.

Will it affect the play? If so, you need to say something before you play. You don't have to divulge details until you're ready to; by the same token, if it's going to impact the sexual aspect of your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to put the sex on hold until you can communicate what you need to.

It's ok to deal with your past at your pace. Be upfront when you need to, open when you can, and let things take their course.

Best of luck with this.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 12:08:38 AM

SailingBum

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I'd wait til later in the relationship... when I felt comfortable about explaining various relationships. <read> You don't have to "tell all" to every tom dick or harry that asks.

BadOne

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 12:22:15 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I only told ppl when it was clear we'd be starting a relationship.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 12:29:55 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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I guess it's a fine line really.

I'd say they need to know before you reach the point that it could affect them. As in, if you are planning a scene which runs close to an emotional trigger, they need to know that in advance so they are prepared to handle it and support you, or call it off if they don't think they can do that. They don't need to know the ins and outs of your experiences unless you feel like sharing, but they do need to know what reactions you might have and why, what they need to avoid and what works best to help you if things go wrong.

I'd also say if you're getting to the point of a serious committed relationship probably a good idea to tell them because there is a likelihood that it will eventually come up.

If you don't want to feel that you are withholding, there's nothing wrong with saying early on that you suffered some abuse in the past which might impact some activities, but you'd prefer not to discuss it until you know them a bit better. I'm sure most people will understand that.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 3:35:48 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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As a person, I haven't just had issues, I've take out an entire subscription. My extremely colorful past includes early child abuse, run-away drug filled teen years, and attaching myself to the wrong sorts of men. I was married to and had children with someone who was emotionally abusive for over 20 years.

So I come with some past baggage. Now, I've been in therapy more than once, I've resolved much of it, and at this point in my life I can truly say I am fairly emotionally healthy. But all those past issues can easily set off an emotional trigger when it comes to BDSM play.

Which means anyone I'm serious about has to know enough of the details to avoid walking around on emotional land mines with regards to me, and I would say it's the same for you.

In the getting to know stage, I wouldn't give much detail, but I would frame it in. If you've taken steps to resolve the past abuse, like therapy, I would mention that.

It's been my experience you can learn a *lot* about a person when you tell them you've been through therapy, or are seeing a therapist.

Those who disapprove or therapy of think it means I'm a crazy person, I know to avoid.

I'd be looking for those who understand therapy is a brave and tough choice which can have great rewards IF you are committed to resolving your issues AND have a good therapist.

Best, CP

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 5:59:33 AM

DarkSteven

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If she's been abused, I assume it would be painful for her to talk about. I would spend my efforts making her feel safe. When she needs to spill, she will.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 7:51:06 AM

OsideGirl

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I never discussed sexual history with someone until I actually had met them face to face and liked them enough for sex or play to be an option.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 8:47:23 AM

RumpusParable

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I'd say just bring it up matter of factly when it ties into the other information you're giving. No big reveal and no keeping it quiet, instead find the middle ground of telling when it relates to a subject.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 9:02:46 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anonforumacct

how do you want them to handle a past which includes sexual abuse and all? i'm asked all the time about my experience, my sexual history, and i never know how should i answer. do i pretend that never happened until we know each other better? do i just blurt it out and get it over with? in a vanilla relationship i might never bring it up but my preferred version of D/s includes tastes of the things that used to hurt me.

My feelings on the matter.......they are going to tell me what, and when, they feel like.

BUT......they also had better understand that the less information I have, the harder it may be for me to make good decisions for her. The more information I have, the better things go.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 9:39:32 AM

JeffBC

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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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One of the things which attracted me to Carol long before I was "attracted" to her in a dating sense was that she had courage, strength, and emotional honesty. If there was something significant to know about her then she'd tell me. Anything else would make the sort of tightly intimate relationship I seek impossible.

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Post #: 12

RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 10:05:55 AM

kalikshama

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These:

quote:

I'd say they need to know before you reach the point that it could affect them. As in, if you are planning a scene which runs close to an emotional trigger, they need to know that in advance so they are prepared to handle it and support you, or call it off if they don't think they can do that. They don't need to know the ins and outs of your experiences unless you feel like sharing, but they do need to know what reactions you might have and why, what they need to avoid and what works best to help you if things go wrong.

quote:

I never discussed sexual history with someone until I actually had met them face to face and liked them enough for sex or play to be an option.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 11:41:17 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm not shy about my past....both good and bad stuff. I have no problem sharing my past with anyone at all. But if you do, just go with what you are comfortable with at first. Share a little at a time as you become more and more comfortable with each other. There's no reason you need to tell someone right from the get go. If others on here are telling you you have to, it has nothing to do with wanting to know about your past. They're just looking for wank material.

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RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 11:56:26 AM

anonforumacct

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Joined: 11/19/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

It's been my experience you can learn a *lot* about a person when you tell them you've been through therapy, or are seeing a therapist.

Those who disapprove or therapy of think it means I'm a crazy person, I know to avoid.

I'd be looking for those who understand therapy is a brave and tough choice which can have great rewards IF you are committed to resolving your issues AND have a good therapist.

i have been in therapy before and am again now. its surprising to me how many people will try to act like they know more than my doctors. its at the point where if i see psychology listed as one of their loves or likes i will completely avoid the person. my head is messy enough, thank you. i don't need an amateur testing out any theories on me.

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Post #: 15

RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 12:25:54 PM

HaveRopeWillBind

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I would say to bring it up when you see a relevant opening. If you are in therapy and you are beginning a relationship based on trust, you do not want therapy to come as a surprise to your new partner. (And it always gets out somehow.) Besides, if someone is put off by the fact that you have issues from the past then they are not the person for you to partner with and you might as well filter those people out early on in the process. Having personally been served in the past by submissives with this sort of issue I can honestly say I always felt better knowing about it in advance so that I had some idea of what buttons not to push until she was stronger.

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Post #: 16

RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/20/2012 9:33:01 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

My feelings on the matter.......they are going to tell me what, and when, they feel like.

BUT......they also had better understand that the less information I have, the harder it may be for me to make good decisions for her. The more information I have, the better things go.

This is pretty much the Mister's approach.

I never did a "tell all" with him, but as we continued to create this relationship together, some of the more important pieces of my history came up. His focus was more on who we are today.

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Post #: 17

RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/21/2012 12:26:29 PM

SacredDepravity

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Joined: 8/6/2012
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I tell what I want to, when I want to, and how I want to. The thing about these type of things is that they take away your choices. In revealing my past, I take it back. I make sound decisions that are right for me and my current life situation. That is what I would want to see anyone else doing with regard to hard things in their past.

SD

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Post #: 18

RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/21/2012 2:40:37 PM

Kana

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Lay it out somewhere between first meet and first play.
He needs to know before you play, especially if a tripwire might get hit.

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Post #: 19

RE: when you ask a sub about their past experience - - 11/26/2012 5:42:57 PM

Regweld

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Joined: 8/6/2007
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Ran into one of those tripwires early in the relationship, one that I didn't expect and really threw me for a loop.

We worked it out and ended up forming a much stronger bond because of it.

Course, it was a rather difference experience then we both expected going into that date but years later, it turned out that it didn't hurt us at all, probably helped us get closer quicker.

In the case of abuse, it is something that is worth discussing so it doesn't sneak up on you at the wrong time...like if you two are just teasing and tickling and then you break down and start crying for no apparent reason...would have been nice to know I was walking into that one ahead of time.

I will say that when things move fast, it can be difficult to get those things into the conversation, especially when things are going so well in a particular direction that you don't want to stop and give a history lesson at that point in time.

The short version, I can safely say that it is worth putting out there. the few who couldn't handle it weren't long term folks to begin with and the ones that could have been life-long friends and more.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 20

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