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Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 5:49:54 AM   
ToyNextDoor


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/30/2010
Status: offline 		Those who have been in relationships for multiple years, has closeness taken away the excitement or made it hard to be consistent in your role?

My situation- I've been planning to live with a friend of mine who has been staying in another country. She'd move back with me. The past year we have been very close and I've been as supportive as I can while she's had a stressful slituation. It feels more like I am best friend or the supportive man now instead of the pet. I'm wondering if when she's back it will be difficult to switch back into.. that distant state where she's this deity. I don't feel this fear driving me to appease her anymore. She's not really demanding or imposing lately, I think she needs more of a best friend. We've both agreed we want to keep our roles clear when we live together, but it feels like the 'husband' side is pushing the sub side out of the way. Will it feel like we're suddenly just acting if we switch stronger into our roles again or will it be natural? I couldn't enjoy it the same if I felt like she was just acting hard on me to earn my respect or satisfy me. I like serving someone who is naturally a little bossy and self centered but seeing the vulnerable side and being best friends for a year seems so different than what I remember. It feels like the challenge is gone and everything's sort of been put on the backburner, aside from a few stray comments through the day and how we address each other, we rarely acknowledge that side of things. I feel like I could get away with a lot that I didn't used to, but it's selfish to expect someone to be tough on me when they have a lot on their plate.

Any comments or advice?
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 6:05:41 AM   
autumnember


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/30/2012
Status: offline
quote:

I don't feel this fear driving me to appease her anymore


I dont serve out of fear but out of love and a need to please him

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 6:50:36 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Toy, personal issues will always get in the way when it comes to long term relationships. New relationships can be all about the BDSM side of things with little room for anything else. Its a constant head rush, an adrenalin ride if you like.
What you need to consider for this to work is, your partner is not only your dominant. She's a thousand other things too. Sometimes she's vulnerable, stressed and upset because she's human and humans have all of those emotions, even dominants! Sometimes you need to support her and sometimes she will need to support you.
Only you know if she can gear herself back to the dynamic you had before. Some people can't whilst others bounce back stronger for the experience.

I understand what you are saying about 'fear driven'. Many subs enjoy that element of fear and trepidation. Its an unrealistic fear, a sort of fantasy fear but its fear none the less! Absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you find yourself no longer feeling submissive to her because of the way she is, then 'fear' will of gone and so too will the excitement. Before it gets to that stage you both need to sit down and talk.

(in reply to autumnember)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 7:34:42 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I dont know how happy and loving you two are but many men seek and cannot find what you HAVE!!!

And it is the roles that are make belive, not real life. You can be a pet and supportive of her. How many of us cry over stories of pets saving their owners or the cherished one who comes and cuddles at just the right time.

BE that loyal pet, but its also okay to ask to be walked. Communicate your needs bit step back and take a long hard look at NEED vs WANT. Strive to find that loving pet deep inside you and GIVE that to her.

(in reply to MariaB)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 8:12:26 AM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I dont know how happy and loving you two are but many men seek and cannot find what you HAVE!!!

And it is the roles that are make belive, not real life. You can be a pet and supportive of her. How many of us cry over stories of pets saving their owners or the cherished one who comes and cuddles at just the right time.

BE that loyal pet, but its also okay to ask to be walked. Communicate your needs bit step back and take a long hard look at NEED vs WANT. Strive to find that loving pet deep inside you and GIVE that to her.



All of the above is exactly true. Just because you have seen a vulnerable side to her, doesn't mean the D side of her has disappeared. It's still there, and you being there for her, supporting her now she needs it, can only strengthen the relationship, so that when she is ready again to assert her D side, she will feel even more comfortable doing so. You just need to be patient, and I'm sure things will work out. If you have genuine feelings for her, your patience will be rewarded, and she will appreciate all of it.


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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 8:22:56 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		If you are going to live with someone as their partner, sooner or later bad things will happen. One or the other will suffer some serious health problem, or a bereavement, or lose a job, or the house will burn down or something. It's a guarantee. Part of the package of a long-term relationship is that you help pick up the pieces. This will be true with her or with anyone else. And sometimes that might mean you take the lead in sorting things out while your partner heals, or that you see them in a vulnerable state or your D/s dynamic takes a back seat for a while.

And yes, it does change your relationship. But things like this along with the love and care you develop over time are part of the human experience. The alternative might be never getting close to anyone emotionally so that you can keep experiencing that sexual rush you get early in the relationship when you still hold one another up on pedestals and sex is a high priority and you are both working hard to portray yourself a certain way. Is that worth the trade off? For me it wouldn't be. I want someone to be my companion on all levels.

My Husband/Master has nursed me when I'm sick. He's watched me give birth. He's seen me lose my temper and he's seen me cry with insecurity. I've seen him sad and low. I've seen him going all gooey with love for his baby, and I've seen tears come to his eyes watching 'Iron Giant' (yes, the cartoon). Doesn't mean he can't still lay down the law. I still quake in my boots when he reaches for the cane. I still get that thrill of lust in the bedroom. I still respect his authority - even more so because I know his human side. But distant deity, he is not. For me that makes our sex life even better, because I can do things with him that would horrify or disgust me with anyone else, because I have the security of our relationship behind us.

I can't say whether things will ever go back to what they were - my instinct is to say not. Just like in a vanilla relationship, living together will never be the same as those lusty first months where you only ever see each other polished and eager. But that doesn't mean you won't have something just as good IF you are both willing to work for it. You can still have your sexy stuff. It won't be all of the time, but even if you hadn't been through this, it wouldn't be all the time anyway. Even the kinkiest fuckers out there still need to clean the house and shop for groceries and lounge around in their pajamas from time to time.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 9:32:31 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		The role you are seeking is, in my opinion, not consistent with long-term relationships. I don't believe you can build a long-term relationship on the foundation of fantasy. I'd ditch her and get a new reusable "diety" to worship. I would plan on that pattern continuing throughout my life.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 10:53:56 AM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ToyNextDoor

We've both agreed we want to keep our roles clear when we live together, but it feels like the 'husband' side is pushing the sub side out of the way.

Any comments or advice?


..why do you separate "husband" and "sub" as though they are OPPOSITES?
There are many husbands who are submissive, AS WELL AS EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTIVE to their wives, even in vanilla relationships. Look around you at people you know in real life. If you really examine couples' dynamics, you will see many whom the wife is the one in charge. It's not always a loud, "hen-pecking" situation either (which vanillas call it), often it's just a wife who firmly knows how she wants things run, and a husband who is perfectly content to have her manage the show. I've seen hen-pecked husbands who'll grin from ear to ear after their wife yells at them for doing something wrong (the grin comes after the wife leaves the room of course, because he did it on PURPOSE just to get her wound up, LMAO!). I see happy couples like these all the time, often senior citizens with marriages well into the 50+ anniversary mark. Think about this, in marriages from their era the husband brought home most if not ALL of the money and owned house, cars, etc, but still it was the wife who has always been in charge.

Being under stress won't change her personality permanently, I'm sure she'll be back once the cloud has passed. But you should be there to support her in bad times, just as she would be there for you.

And someone used a good pet analogy. Does a pet's adoration and obedience toward its owner cease if the owner needs comforting? Does it then gain the upper hand? No, if anything the bond between them becomes stronger because the pet (or sub) knows he is NEEDED and IMPORTANT to the owner.

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 11:22:58 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Consistent in our roles? No. We don't have "roles", it's just who we are as people. We can't be any other way. Consistent in activities? Yes. Sometimes real life intercedes. Things have to be set aside. Things are just forgotten. We're not young anymore. Sometimes we get caught up in life and we have to remind each other that we need to remind each other to take a breath from the everyday life and concentrate on our relationship...pretty much like every other relationship should do. Don't take your relationship for granted and make it a priority. Take time out for each other.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 2:55:49 PM   
ToyNextDoor


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/30/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for the replies. I've sort of been feeling like the nature of D/s relationships change over time. Until now I hadn't served anyone who seemed like a good long term match so I don't have a lot of experience to go off of. I'm not trying to live an unrealistic fantasy scenario, its just that the sub side of me gets fired up when there's this moment of disagreement. Sure I do things for her out of love and consideration, but I don't like feeling like I'm this big dog who's laying belly up getting my kicks by pretending I'm being overtaken. I like to feel like there are consequences that make me think about choices. A good pet owner wouldn't injure their pet, but they are strong enough and choose not to.

When I compared the 'husband' and sub side, I just meant that a lot of the feelings I've had the past year have been the 'helping the damsel in distress' type. It just feels different. We're both naturally dominant and submissive so it's not like those sides will ever change, but some of the mystery, anticipation and challenge seems gone. If that can build up again after a certain point, it would make being patient a lot easier.

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 3:05:37 PM   
ToyNextDoor


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/30/2010
Status: offline 		I'm not saying I don't prefer being close. I know it's necessary to living together, and I'm not saying I need to feel constantly threatened by a stranger- before anyone misunderstands.

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 3:24:03 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		If i read your post right, you haven't been living with her - she has been out of the country. If this is true, i predict that the two of you will fall into your previous roles. Its very hard to change dynamics in mid-stream.

As for the rest - the honeymoon phase of any relationship will eventually end. The thrill of finding out about each other and what turns each of you on will die back, and the rest of your life starts. If the two of you make each other a priority your relationship should grow and evolve - and the thrill of play and sex doesn't have to disappear.

I was in a five year relationship with a man i loved and respected and feared(a little). Once the initial thrill wore off, i missed it a little, but we had an extremely fufilling relationship. What we lost in initial thrill we made up with the quality of our life.

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 7:47:28 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
One of the biggest tools (for me) in the "femdom tool box" for take down/control/fear type BDSM "games" is spontaneity and being totally unpredictable. Unfortunately, when you start talking about very long term relationships, people you live with and love, and spend 24.7 with, and who are your soul mate, they also become your best friend and can read you like a book. Things like spontaneity and unpredictability go out the window. That makes things like having immediate, awesome power and inspiring fear being a little more difficult than with someone who is still 'getting to know me' or his own limits. We have to do things a little differently.

Yes, the dynamic changes. It's different. You have to be willing and ready to compromise and also get a real understanding of how her femdom "engine" runs compared to your submissive "needs." That's what a lot of it comes down to. Sometimes it's mismatched expectations regarding frequency and intensity. Make sure you are on the same page. She may want to "save up" her lust and have the occasional, powerful, "take down" type scenario, where you might want more oversight and control on a daily basis. She may not want to be "bossy" if being bossy is draining; this is the stuff you have to just sort out.

But in all probability you are probably going to have to be the 'husband' and the 'best friend' and the support system if that's the kind of relationship you are entering, but that doesn't mean the rest goes out the window, it's just a different way of doing it. As long as you are both on the same page.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/20/2012 8:52:40 PM   
ToyNextDoor


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/30/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks, it's encouraging to know things don't always just fizzle out when you're closer. The reason the pet/servant thing has taken a backseat is mainly because of the distance and her having other needs at the moment. It's a rare situation and I'm sure it will change when we are around each other and have our live more settled. Do you think that spending over a year getting to know each other better from so far away has robbed us of that 'honeymoon' period? I'm not really worried about her not being dominant anymore, but just the nature of things getting tamer I guess. She used to be demanding and there was more of a power exchange between us, I don't want that sort of thing to feel forced or weird or for us to feel like a bored couple trying to 'spice things up'.

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/21/2012 2:57:03 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		That closeness and emotional bond that I have with my Master is what DRIVES my submission to him and his leadership of me. All that "normal" stuff (emotionally supporting each other, being emotionally open and transparent, being best friends, etc.) you're talking about isn't something "different" from him being my Master and me being his pet--it's an intrinsic part of it.

He is always my Master, always the leader and the one in charge, and I am always his pet and his loyal follower. And our love for each other is what fuels those things. Being his pet means obeying him, serving him, pleasing him, and supporting him in whatever way he needs/whatever way he tells me to. That includes being there for him when he is emotionally vulnerable. For us, none of that is contradictory. All of it fits. All of it makes sense. All of it is who we are to each other. To us, part of Master/pet is being lovers, partners, and best friends.

And being close doesn't mean we don't still find each other intoxicating and exciting. I don't need or want "mystery" or distance to feel thrill and desire for him. For me, knowing him and trusting him and loving him so deeply as I do makes our sex life amazing and thrilling. I get off on intimacy. I realize that may not be the same for you, OP, but I still don't think that excitement has to fade with familiarity.

What does being Mistress/pet mean to you? Are you ok with seeing all of her, as a complete human being, not just the hard authoritarian side of her? She is human and has feelings and emotional needs just like everyone else. As her pet, don't you think you should try your best to fulfill her needs, whatever they may be? Why is that something that you see as inconsistent or disruptive to your 'roles?'

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/21/2012 8:56:04 PM   
ToyNextDoor


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/30/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

What does being Mistress/pet mean to you? Are you ok with seeing all of her, as a complete human being, not just the hard authoritarian side of her? She is human and has feelings and emotional needs just like everyone else. As her pet, don't you think you should try your best to fulfill her needs, whatever they may be? Why is that something that you see as inconsistent or disruptive to your 'roles?'


Mistress/pet- to me it changes and varies a lot on my Dom at the time. I'm comfortable with seeing the vulnerable sides and focusing on her needs. This past year her needs haven't been so much pet related and that's fine with me. We're long distance and busy, it makes sense. I guess I'm just worried she'll be too gentle when we start again, or hold back. As a sub it takes a whole lot to put me out of my comfort zone, where the excitement is. I like being occasionally belittled or mistreated. It's all in good fun. I don't want her to be too worried about my feelings after being lovers for this past year. I'm a big boy, I can take it. I also feel like approaching obstacles as a team for so long, and taking turns being strong and dependable and supportive for each other (just like any couple) has made our ranks seem a little less.. Clearly defined than before I guess.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/21/2012 9:09:19 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ToyNextDoor


quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

What does being Mistress/pet mean to you? Are you ok with seeing all of her, as a complete human being, not just the hard authoritarian side of her? She is human and has feelings and emotional needs just like everyone else. As her pet, don't you think you should try your best to fulfill her needs, whatever they may be? Why is that something that you see as inconsistent or disruptive to your 'roles?'


Mistress/pet- to me it changes and varies a lot on my Dom at the time. I'm comfortable with seeing the vulnerable sides and focusing on her needs. This past year her needs haven't been so much pet related and that's fine with me. We're long distance and busy, it makes sense. I guess I'm just worried she'll be too gentle when we start again, or hold back. As a sub it takes a whole lot to put me out of my comfort zone, where the excitement is. I like being occasionally belittled or mistreated. It's all in good fun. I don't want her to be too worried about my feelings after being lovers for this past year. I'm a big boy, I can take it. I also feel like approaching obstacles as a team for so long, and taking turns being strong and dependable and supportive for each other (just like any couple) has made our ranks seem a little less.. Clearly defined than before I guess.


You mentioned for the last year you have been more like lovers but you've also been long distance. Do you mean when you have gotten together for short periods of time (in person) the intimacy has been vanilla, or do you mean you have not been together at all in the year, and the affection between you has been more like lovers/friends than dominant/sub?

How long did you physically spend together before the year you spent apart? And how much of that time was very BDSM oriented? Did it ever wane?

In reality you won't really know until you get together in person and test the waters. People do evolve and change. But that doesn't mean her sadistic side is gone, it just might have taken a different path. Good communication is going to be vital.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/21/2012 11:43:48 PM   
ToyNextDoor


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/30/2010
Status: offline 		We got together several times a few summers ago and hung out like friends but it was very d/s centric. We didn't know each other as well back then and got along but never got too serious. 3 years later we started talking again after she moved to Germany and got stuck in an abusive relationship that, due to complicated reasons, has taken her a long time to leave. Either way, that detail isn't an issue as much as the distance. We've talked every day for the past year but haven't been able to do much really involved. (even with cam or phone)

(in reply to AAkasha)
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RE: Long term concerns - 11/22/2012 1:11:10 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ToyNextDoor
Mistress/pet- to me it changes and varies a lot on my Dom at the time. I'm comfortable with seeing the vulnerable sides and focusing on her needs. This past year her needs haven't been so much pet related and that's fine with me. We're long distance and busy, it makes sense. I guess I'm just worried she'll be too gentle when we start again, or hold back. As a sub it takes a whole lot to put me out of my comfort zone, where the excitement is. I like being occasionally belittled or mistreated. It's all in good fun. I don't want her to be too worried about my feelings after being lovers for this past year. I'm a big boy, I can take it. I also feel like approaching obstacles as a team for so long, and taking turns being strong and dependable and supportive for each other (just like any couple) has made our ranks seem a little less.. Clearly defined than before I guess.
Well, I think your concerns could be alleviated if you expressed them to her. Communication on this issue should definitely help clear things up for both of you. Personally, that "approaching obstacles as a team" feeling doesn't at all blur the lines of who's in charge--in fact, as a team, our "ranks" are what make us work so well together! Perhaps talking with her about your worries will help you get a different perspective on things and ease your thoughts.

(in reply to ToyNextDoor)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Long term concerns - 11/22/2012 2:44:14 AM   
ToyNextDoor


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/30/2010
Status: offline 		Oh, we've brought it up casually several times in the past year. Basically she says 'be patient, you'll be rewarded. Don't take for granted i'm sharing my vulnerable side. Things will be different when we're together, so don't get too comfortable'. And I do feel that her reassurances are true. But we both hate topping from the bottom so I guess time will tell how she adjusts. I'm not going to push, that's selfish and as long as she's happy I'm happy. I know things will be great no matter what we're doing, but I guess I've just never been in what I would consider a long term, adult relationship before. Most of what I observe seems negative. Dead feelings, passion turning into stagnancy and loathing. I don't like being pessimistic but the idea of something long term does bring up a lot of questions for me- That and having a really unnatural beginning to things. I've been in many D/s relationships and until now none of them have been a good enough match to see how things progress.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
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