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Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 8:58:07 AM

littleone14

Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline

Hi All ~

This is a purely hypothetical question, but one that I've wondered about since I started admitting to myself I was submissive. If you met someone thru a vanilla venue, how and at what point would you start talking about your desire to be submissive? How would you go about weeding out dates that weren't dominant?

Post #: 1

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 10:02:50 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

My desire to be submissive is pretty conditional, meaning that it has to be inspired. I can't just
offer it up on a platter and hope someone has the right utensils to dig in.
I wouldn't approach dating with the expectations of being a submissive, but with the hope
that I find the man who complements and inspires my submission.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 2

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 10:09:58 AM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline

I think "poise" took OP's question out of context. The first thing is whether you see yourself as a submissive person. It doesn't mean you have to be submissive to any Tom, Dick and Jane. If you have already come to accept the fact that you are a submissive person and could only thrive in a relationship that is power-exchange based, how would you weed out dates that weren't Dominant enough or Dominant at all?

If you say that your submissiveness has to be inspired, it could also been seen that you are not a natural submissive.

I think the first question is if you think you are of a submissive temperament? Can you thrive in a relationship where you are the one in control all the time?

SL

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 3

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 10:30:58 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX

I think "poise" took OP's question out of context.
The first thing is whether you see yourself as a submissive person.

She has already stated that she is a submissive person.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
It doesn't mean you have to be submissive to any Tom, Dick and Jane.

Which means her submission has to be inspired. Yay for us Unnatural Submissives!

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
If you have already come to accept the fact that you are a submissive person

Yup, she covered that already in her opening sentence.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
and could only thrive in a relationship that is power-exchange based,
how would you weed out dates that weren't Dominant enough or Dominant at all?

This was the question she asked. Where is your answer?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
If you say that your submissiveness has to be inspired, it could also been seen that you are not a natural submissive.

Which means, luckily for her, she doesn't have to be submissive to any Tom Dick and Jane. Masterlix says so!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
I think the first question is if you think you are of a submissive temperament?

This first question has already been addressed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
Can you thrive in a relationship where you are the one in control all the time?

Do you think she would be asking this question if she could?

If any of us are out of context, I'm certain the OP will clarify her question.
Hopefully you will attempt to answer it if she does, instead of just repeating her questions as your answer.

< Message edited by poise -- 11/24/2012 10:32:02 AM >

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to MASTERLIX)

Post #: 4

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 10:36:03 AM

ServosCor

Posts: 267
Joined: 9/3/2012
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Regarding the line above that reads:
If you say that your submissiveness has to be inspired, it could also been seen that you are not a natural submissive.

         I would disagree with that thinking. I believe I am a natural submissive yet not every man "inspires" me to feeling as tho I wish to submit to him. For me, it takes a certain attitude, a mindset........to bring out my submissive feelings. If I do not sense that a man is genuinely dominant and secure, well there is just nothing he could do to put me in that frame of mind with him.
BTW, the ones who try the 'on your knees now bitch' do nothing for me but make me giggle. :) I like a man with class, finesse', and confidence. That type of man makes me weak in the knees every time. I enjoy the quiet unspoken Dominance, where a look or gesture says more than enough.

             just my thoughts on the matter........

                               servos cor

(in reply to MASTERLIX)

Post #: 5

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 10:47:58 AM

littleone14

Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

If any of us are out of context, I'm certain the OP will clarify her question.

Thanks poise. Your response was helpful and appreciated.

No, you weren't out of context. In fact, I don't really have a specific context. I'm not in the position right now where I need to tell someone I'm submissive. But, tho I've been meeting men from this site, I meet as many, if not more, from vanilla venues, so at some point it may be necessary. How to handle it is a question that I've had, and I tend to like to suss this type of stuff out BEFORE I get to the position where I need it. So any and all responses are useful in figuring this out.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 6

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 12:11:05 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I'm submissive to one. Most guys I've met didn't inspire that in me, so I already knew I didn't have to explain it to them. If they can't do it for you, then you're not going to get in a relationship with them.

So for those few guys who do have the necessary chemistry, how to open conversation. First off, are you talking about submission meaning you offering input and him making the final decision or are you talking about kinky sex? Because there's a difference.

For the first, just ask how many of his past relationships have been marred by power struggles. Ask if he prefers to have the last word or give it to his partner. Judge by that if he's compatible.

If kinky then ask him about his fantasies. Ask him what he thinks of media representations such as Secretary and 50 Shades. If he's interested then proceed being more specific as to what you enjoy and what he enjoys. If he dislikes all of it, then you already know you're not compatible.

Talk about it in general, don't open up saying you want to be called and treated as a filthy whore.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 7

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 12:30:30 PM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

I dont think it matters one way or another if one is a natural or an unnatural. Its just words, and I think people have different definitions of those two words.

I classify myself as an unnatural submissive. I was 43 before I even considered myself a submissive in any way, shape, or form. There is only one man who ever brought it out.

I think I would just venture into it with a vanilla mind, when your knees get weak, then bring on the hints and see if they work.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 11/24/2012 12:31:20 PM >

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My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 1:09:12 PM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX

If you say that your submissiveness has to be inspired, it could also been seen that you are not a natural submissive.

Nobody whose opinion I value would look at it that way.

MY submissive submits to ME. Nobody else unless I tell her so.

I have chatted with numerous owned submissives on this board. I would never demand nor expect them to be in any way, shape, or form submissive to me. Because they are required to submit to THEIR Dom/mes, and not me.

Period.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MASTERLIX)

Post #: 9

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 2:19:19 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

Hi All ~

This is a purely hypothetical question, but one that I've wondered about since I started admitting to myself I was submissive. If you met someone thru a vanilla venue, how and at what point would you start talking about your desire to be submissive? How would you go about weeding out dates that weren't dominant?

I think that depends entirely on the nature of your desires. It's one thing if you simply want to give massages and do chores. It's quite another if you want a man who will regularly tie you to the wall and whip you. Do you want a relationship where the man takes control or is there a list of kinky activities that are very important to you?

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 10

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 2:25:37 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

If you're out on a date, enjoy the date! Get to know the guy and see how he makes you feel. Even if he's a Dom, it doesn't mean he's the Dom for you, so don't go into it like a submissive. Be yourself, the whole package! You want him to like you for you, after all.

When you get to the point where you want to talk kink with a fella, you should already have a good idea of who he is and what he's like. That will make it easier. Until then, have a little fun and let the rest fall into place on its own.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 2:39:49 PM

MASTERLIX

Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline

quote:

I'm not in the position right now where I need to tell someone I'm submissive.

What, in my opinion, you need to do first is to learn within the context of the lifestyle, what are Dominant qualities? Learn how to identify someone that has the ability to manage another human being that has consensually giving them control over them. But also learn how to someone that is domineering from Dominating.

There are several books and articles in the lifestyle that will help you understand these things. When you do, you may not have to tell them anything. You would naturally feel the Dominant energy.

You also have to understand yourself first, to know that you are not the type that usually mentally succumb to any Dominant energy. That could be risky.

In my opinion, if you are looking for a Dominant to have a relationship, looking in the vanilla setting would make that a stretch. Because, if you met a guy in the lifestyle, whether there is chemistry or not, when you go out on a Date, you would both already know which slash you identify as. That is even if we all know there are many Tops that identify as Doms, because being a Top is not well appreciated in the lifestyle. So are bottoms who identify as subs as well. They do so, because it holds more respect and regard to identify as a sub/slave than a bottom.

So, I would say you should try to find people to date in the lifestyle. It will make things a lot easier.

SL

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 12

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 2:49:10 PM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

I am currently in a vanilla relationship and I did not bring up my submissive personality until quite sometime later. I sort of knew exactly the sort of man I was looking for and he fits the bill. He does have a take charge sort of demeanor, but is not overbearing. He looks at my submissive personality as a loving respectful nature more so than submissive. I doubt that this type of relationship could work for most but it does happen.

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 13

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 3:43:58 PM

phoenixasubbie

Posts: 55
Joined: 10/28/2012
Status: offline

I have told men in vanilla relationships that I was submissive and some of the things I am into.. but only after dating long enough to know I was interested in taking it further.

I can't say the results have been great, but at the same time they weren't terrible either. Problem is, I am a sub and nothing is going to change the fact that I need a Dom or Master just like I need to breathe

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 14

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 3:58:24 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
So, I would say you should try to find people to date in the lifestyle. It will make things a lot easier.

I would say that that very much depends on what you are looking for. Since Carol and I are "kink-lite" and D/s heavy we both agree it'd be easier to find a match in the vanilla world. I think the sex part -- especially towards the deep end of the pool -- requires some time for self-introspection and awareness then learning. So someone who has already travelled that path is ahead of a vanilla person. The "dominance" stuff (as in leading the relationship) ought to be evident in the person's entire demeanor and life should've already offered up ample opportunity to hone those skills.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14
If you met someone thru a vanilla venue, how and at what point would you start talking about your desire to be submissive?

For starters I'd avoid code words like "submissive". If you like adventurous sex then say that. If you like "the man to wear the pants in the family" then say something along those lines. The first of those I'd get to about the time I thought maybe I wanted to have sex with this person. The second ought to be obvious without any discussion.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14
How would you go about weeding out dates that weren't dominant?

For the sex stuff, you have to ask. For the "take charge" thing, it ought to be obvious.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 11/24/2012 4:03:11 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to MASTERLIX)

Post #: 15

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 4:43:57 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

If you met someone thru a vanilla venue, how and at what point would you start talking about your desire to be submissive?

When we start talking about sex.

quote:

How would you go about weeding out dates that weren't dominant?

While I wouldn't exclude someone I met in a vanilla venue, for the past few years I've been sticking to men I met here, fet, or who indicated they were kinky on their OKCupid profile.

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(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 16

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 5:21:50 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I've never had to. Any men I have ever been attracted to were "natural born leaders", meaning they have a dominant personality and they want to control from the very get go. It's just who they are. So because of that, and me being a "natural born submissive" personality, it's just always worked out with me not having to say a single word. And my experience has always been that men who are dominant personalities absolutely loved being in control in the bedroom as well and doing "kinky" things.

I guess if there's some need that you need to tell him, I guess you could put a pair of handcuffs on the bed or put a certain book on your tabletop or just have have sex with him and see how he reacts. I dunno. That's my only ideas.

_____________________________

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Everything has changed

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 17

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/24/2012 7:23:32 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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If you're meeting men that are nilla, the whole sub thing becomes more complicated than say meeting someone here. My first sub was actually from a nilla site & 3rd date before sex came up he said "really like you & there's something I should mention...I really like women on top". When he saw I didn't freak he said "like all the time" gauging again. Finally I caught on & asked "are you telling me you're kinky? Yes? Cool I'm more than a lil bossy". The last bossy comment did get a raised eye brow from the waitress but it all worked out mostly because our base non-kinky personalities were compatible.
There were a few bumps like his horse tail on a butt plug, where I had to improvise with if you want it, you pay for it & install. While it was pretty still never want to fully know what he was doing in that bathroom.

With full nillas there is a crap shoot, you may find someone whose personality is compatible but whose moral back ground won't allow for spanking/slapping/bondage activities you crave. Then what? You have someone you like that's incapable of giving you what you fully need. I would encourage venues where at least a hint of sub can be mentioned. 1950's family, traditional relationship would be the first thought on how to mention it nilla.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 18

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/26/2012 9:26:52 PM

Bbygrlsub

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/3/2011
From: Houston
Status: offline

@ServosCor I have to agree with you completely. Being a good submissive is important to me but the Dom that controls with the quiet gestures or glances make me melt and make me want to be an even better sub.

(in reply to ServosCor)

Post #: 19

RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/27/2012 12:56:50 AM

Charade

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline

OP,

I met a submissive on a villa site and he, in fact, is the reason why I looked into BDSM culture in the first place. He saw in me qualities that I hadn't viewed in the light I now do, and I'm a much happier person knowing that this lifestyle exists. He came to me in all honesty from the start by saying that what he wasn't looking for wasn't the normal and went to explain himself, lucky for the both of us I was curious and intrigued enough to go digging.

So I suppose it depends on how you really want to go about it but, unfortunately, I don't have much advice on how to weed out the Dominants from the not. Depending on the sort of dates you're getting in the nilla world, you may just get the men that are all hot and heavy 'porn style' or that have read 50 Shades and really have no interest in the depth of what you're looking for. But if you've already got a firm idea of what you do and don't want, you can spell it out to make sure you're on the same page.

If you think they're worth a shot, I'd be upfront and just be yourself. :)

(in reply to Bbygrlsub)

Post #: 20

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