RE: Incarcerated partner (Full Version)

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DonGiovani -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 1:43:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Just some general life advice here. Your decision making [skills] are f'd up.


^^^^
This. This... a thousand times, this.


Seriously.. pull your head out and start using it. And if the advice from this forum, (excellent as it is), doesn't sway you, seek more professional help. The advice will be the same, and your purse will be slightly lighter.

(Although I have the sneaking suspicion that somewhere in the next OP posting will be the phrase ..."but I love him...".)



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 2:05:45 AM)

I wish I had some suggestions - but I don't.

I have to agree with everyone else who has made the same suggestion...
Get the fuck out of there whilst it is easy.
Do yourself a favout - get yourself a life and a decent partner - not someone stuck in jail and more than likely going to do something to go back there.

As someone said - it's easier to do it today than tomorrow.



lizi -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 5:18:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

He will be released in 4 more years if he is made to serve out. And I understand all the responses but my time invested keeps me from simply walking away. I know the cons in this list... there are far more cons then pros and I know odds are against me on so many levels but If I walk away I dont want it to be simply because he is not here.



Not leaving something because you have time invested in it is like saying everything we've ever done in life should be permanent parts of our life because we expended time on it. So the old hairstyles, and poly gym suits should live on, and our yards should be filled with broken down cars. Old childhood acquaintances should take up our time instead of having us spend it on people that are more meaningful to us. That's fucked up to think like that. Sometimes things change and so should we. It's called learning and moving on. When people don't do that they die emotionally.

Why do you need some other reason to leave other than the fact that he's not there? Is there a rule somewhere that says you need something loftier? If it's your principles that refuse to leave because he is absent, then they need re-assessing because they aren't standing for anything anymore.

You are the only person in the end who takes care of you - you need to do a better job of that and stop accepting a substandard life. He's not the only one incarcerated is he? You've been too. Why would you do that to yourself?



theRose4U -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 7:34:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DonGiovani
(Although I have the sneaking suspicion that somewhere in the next OP posting will be the phrase ..."but I love him...".)

Wouldn't be the first time or last that phrase gets men & women to make stupid choices. I would also counter this phrase will be the first thing thrown at her when she tries to leave ..."But if you weely woved me you'd continue to waste your life waiting for me" & VERY likely "YOU are dooming me to full term because now I have no hope with public defender"...not his actions, but her fault because she's done with this crippling crap. Seriously OP RUN don't walk to another life, jail will make service of divorce for disertion quick & easy to get.



masmiss -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 7:36:12 AM)

Sweetie. Honey. Darling. You are only 34 years old. So what if you walk away leaving the 7 years you invested behind? The guy is a criminal loser.

Look in the mirror. Say to yourself "I deserve so much better". Do that several times a day until you believe it.

In the meantime, get some professional help to find out why you have so little self-worth.

Best of luck to you.



theRose4U -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 7:40:29 AM)

^^^^^^--------^^^^^
THIS THIS THIS!!!! Some of the great men in my life were from KY, not one of them lives in a jail there! You didn't sign up for prison, you have the option of a life & are wasting it



tazzygirl -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 7:47:37 AM)

quote:

I have been in this relationship for 10 years, He has been incarcerated for seven years


You were with him for 3. For the past 7, you have been alone. There is no relationship.



noellesdestiny -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 8:10:58 AM)

This relationship will go nowhere.....



DesFIP -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 11:45:47 AM)

Suggestion: Spend your next year in therapy and see if there's anything worth waiting for. Learn how to make healthy choices and deserve a healthy partner. Or stay with a guy who will certainly beat the crap out of you once he's out and probably will abuse his children as well. Your choice.



areallivehuman -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 1:22:49 PM)

Start by examining the reasons you make self-destructive decisions. Tomorrow, start living your life for you. Make a daily effort to improve yourself.
I understand your waiting until he's free, you want to keep your promise. Admirable. So you are alone and celibate for the next 1-4. Use this time to learn and grow. Shake up your life. Take a class, further your education, change your diet, quit smoking, make positive changes. Therapy, maybe.
When he gets out, confront him, challenge him to live up to your sacrifice. If he doesn't, walk.



Kana -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 2:19:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: noellesdestiny

This relationship will go nowhere.....

Not true-it goes to visiting day



angelikaJ -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/7/2012 6:10:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

I have been in this relationship for 10 years, He has been incarcerated for seven years I need help keeping my head straight. The dynamics are weak, I have become so bogged down with everyday pressures. I need suggestions to bring O/our relationship back to health.


Of course the health of your relationship is iffy right now.
Having a relationship with a convicted felon (just a guess that it is not a misdemeanor), itself is very difficult.
Skipping the dynamic for now, how are you defining a "healthy relationship"?
That is not a rhetorical question.
Was your relationship healthy to begin with?

Have you dealt with the fact that his poor choice had put you in this position of being alone without him?
In addition to whatever wrong he committed against society (and himself), this is also something he did, to you, to your relationship.

Has your husband found his remorse and repentance?
(btw: You will know if release is something they are considering; likely they would be moving him to work release soon.)

Please tell me you have a counselor... .

From reading your profile, it is pretty clear that you have a type in mind
How much of that is preference and how much of that is based upon what you think you deserve?

You can be with a perfectly sadistic partner who is a well adjusted member of society.

Basically, you need to be in a healthy relationship with yourself, before you can re-connect in a healthy way with him and he needs to be capable of being in a healthy relationship.
If he isn't capable then no amount of wishing will make it so; it is not enough that the "rocks in his head fit the holes in yours".



CharmingKitty -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 1:44:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella
... there are far more cons then pros and I know odds are against me on so many levels but If I walk away I dont want it to be simply because he is not here.

Um, it's not "simply" because he is not there. It is because there are far more cons than pros and you know the odds are against you on so many levels.



RaspberryLemon -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 2:49:53 AM)

While I do think that the point that has been made by others stating that it was irresponsible and a bad leadership decision to end himself incarcerated is very valid (that is certainly something I think OP should think about quite hard,) all of the comments claiming that he is a scumbag/loser, physically abusive (or will become so,) or that he will become a repeat offender and land himself back in prison...I think that is a little too presumptuous and almost out of line considering how little we know about him, her, and the situation.

We don't know the whole story. We don't know what he did, why he did it, and what the circumstances are. I for one would want to know more before passing judgment on someone when all I know is that they are in prison for 12+ years. Conviction of innocents is not unheard of, nor are good people that make a mistake and learn their lesson. Without knowing more, I cannot say whether or not I think OP should leave.

OP, I could certainly get a better idea of what I think should happen if I had more information, but honestly I think that the best advice I can give here is to put yourself through a lot of introspection. You need to decide if this waiting and how it taxes your relationship is worth it. You need to decide whether or not what your husband did is something you can forgive. And you need to know how much your husband is willing to work towards cleaning up his act and making up for his absence. Make an informed decision. Staying for so long is already very faithful and admirable, but you also need to think of what's best for you. I think that the best advice given is this:
quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman
Start by examining the reasons you make self-destructive decisions. Tomorrow, start living your life for you. Make a daily effort to improve yourself.
I understand your waiting until he's free, you want to keep your promise. Admirable. So you are alone and celibate for the next 1-4. Use this time to learn and grow. Shake up your life. Take a class, further your education, change your diet, quit smoking, make positive changes. Therapy, maybe.
When he gets out, confront him, challenge him to live up to your sacrifice. If he doesn't, walk.



LadyPact -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 2:50:49 AM)

Loyalty is an admirable trait. Foolishness is not.



GreedyTop -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 3:19:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

While I do think that the point that has been made by others stating that it was irresponsible and a bad leadership decision to end himself incarcerated is very valid (that is certainly something I think OP should think about quite hard,) all of the comments claiming that he is a scumbag/loser, physically abusive (or will become so,) or that he will become a repeat offender and land himself back in prison...I think that is a little too presumptuous and almost out of line considering how little we know about him, her, and the situation.

We don't know the whole story. We don't know what he did, why he did it, and what the circumstances are. I for one would want to know more before passing judgment on someone when all I know is that they are in prison for 12+ years. Conviction of innocents is not unheard of, nor are good people that make a mistake and learn their lesson. Without knowing more, I cannot say whether or not I think OP should leave.

OP, I could certainly get a better idea of what I think should happen if I had more information, but honestly I think that the best advice I can give here is to put yourself through a lot of introspection. You need to decide if this waiting and how it taxes your relationship is worth it. You need to decide whether or not what your husband did is something you can forgive. And you need to know how much your husband is willing to work towards cleaning up his act and making up for his absence. Make an informed decision. Staying for so long is already very faithful and admirable, but you also need to think of what's best for you. I think that the best advice given is this:
quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman
Start by examining the reasons you make self-destructive decisions. Tomorrow, start living your life for you. Make a daily effort to improve yourself.
I understand your waiting until he's free, you want to keep your promise. Admirable. So you are alone and celibate for the next 1-4. Use this time to learn and grow. Shake up your life. Take a class, further your education, change your diet, quit smoking, make positive changes. Therapy, maybe.
When he gets out, confront him, challenge him to live up to your sacrifice. If he doesn't, walk.





Agreed.



theRose4U -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 7:16:05 AM)

Raspberry just out of curiosity how exactly does one "make up" for leaving a partner alone for 12 years to support themselves & a spouse that provides no mental, physical or financial support for that entire time...not even going to ask when the last time OP got laid was? If she's like others I have known with inmate spouses she gets to pay all of her bills as well as his "cantine money" & legal expenses in the 10's of thousands of dollars...BY HERSELF.
How exactly does one "make up" for that?



littlewonder -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 8:06:02 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

I have been in this relationship for 10 years, He has been incarcerated for seven years I need help keeping my head straight. The dynamics are weak, I have become so bogged down with everyday pressures. I need suggestions to bring O/our relationship back to health.


hoo boy.

Walk away. Seriously. It ain't gonna work. How long is he in prison for?



LaTigresse -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 8:12:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

He will be released in 4 more years if he is made to serve out. And I understand all the responses but my time invested keeps me from simply walking away. I know the cons in this list... there are far more cons then pros and I know odds are against me on so many levels but If I walk away I dont want it to be simply because he is not here.


If you walk away from what?

This might be news to you, but HE WALKED AWAY 7+ YEARS AGO.

The 'friends' on your profile only underline your hideous decision making skills when it comes to men. You are telling us your husband is a felon and all of your friends look like they could be his cell mates.

God help your children.



PANKRATIO -> RE: Incarcerated partner (12/8/2012 8:46:31 AM)

Soie sage, Tigresse.

Your extrapolation of OP's quality of friends based on how they look veers dangerously close to revealing a prejudice, and swerves rather out of the territory of impartial advice.

I work in regular contact with those who have for some reason or other marginalized themselves. Prisoners, drug addicts, etc. If there is a particular attitude I've found to be most harmful to them becoming productive members of society again, it would be a toss up between cynicism and pessimism. There are hopeless cases, of course, and others who will never make it all the way back to the straight and narrow path, but I can live with that. The odds are against it, yet, but they aren't astronomical. Can the OP live with that?

Cynicism was pretty new stuff about 2500 years ago. It may have run its course.

Pan



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