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Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:12:10 PM

txstroker

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/7/2012
Status: offline

i'm new to the lifestyle, but can't deny it's call any longer. unfortunately, i have to play on the side and very discretely as my wife's not involved and so my availability to play's not as frequent as i'd like. surely there's a way to get part-time play? any ideas? attend a munch? cast losts of bread on the water of personal ads? the possibilities are there, but success will likely be hit or miss.

i've read/thought as much as i can, now it's time to turn the fantasy into reality. i know there's a lot to learn and am also looking for instruction on floggers, bondage, etc.

thanks for the help.

Post #: 1

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:18:04 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

D/s BDSM relationships are based on trust. After all, the submissive is literally putting his/her life into the hands of the Dominant.

Most will want to speak to your wife to make sure that she's on board with it.

If you're lying to your wife, the most important person in your life, then you've already proven yourself to be untrustworthy.

You'll find that most here do not tolerate cheating and are not willing to be the piece on the side.

_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 2

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:20:23 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

The first thing to do is put on some nomex underwear because the folk hereabouts don't condone cheating.

The flaming shall now begin.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

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Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 3

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:22:51 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: txstroker
i have to play on the side and very discretely

I don't think this phrase means what you think it means. Human beings have to breathe and eat. Not too much else. People unfortunately prove every day that even a roof and warm clothing are unnecessary to sustain life.

My suggestion as a first step would be to see a marriage counselor. Based on what you wrote, I believe your unfulfilled sexual and kink desires are a symptom of other areas in which you (and your wife) are unfulfilled. Perhaps you would still be kinky if your marriage were all puppy dogs and rainbows, but, in that case, you probably wouldn't be using the name "txstroker."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 4

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:24:52 PM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

They've got it straight.

I'm married and hubby is not nearly into this the way I am. He has about a guy level interest and that's it. Still, I have NEVER gone behind his back for anything. NEVER! There's no reason for a lack of integrity. Sorry.

Thanks for playing.

SD

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 5

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:27:46 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

You know, not going to flame you OP, but OsideGirl has the right of it - going behind your wife's back is going to count against you. BDSM relationships are built on trust and you are currently compromised in that area.

Some things to think about if you really want to make this real in your life - plus who wants to carry the burden of that sort of "discrete life" in their emotional backpack. That must suck!

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 6

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:33:15 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity
I'm married and hubby is not nearly into this the way I am. He has about a guy level interest and that's it. Still, I have NEVER gone behind his back for anything. NEVER! There's no reason for a lack of integrity. Sorry.

I do think it's possible to play ethically, and develop a D/s relationship ethically, with someone who is married. I've done it myself. I've also ended a situation like that when I believed it was no longer ethical. So marriage to a vanilla isn't a life sentence, so to speak. It might require difficult conversations, such as an exploration of polyamory, or, "Yes, you can do kinky stuff I don't like doing, but only if you see a pro, no emotional connection."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 7

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:33:20 PM

bighappygoth39

Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline

You might be able to find someone who you can pay who won't give a toss if you're married, but I have a sneaky suspicion you're not prepared to hand over any money, or you wouldn't be here asking, but please correct me if I'm wrong.

If you're just after casual (free) play, why would any woman seriously consider wasting their time on someone who has so much complicated baggage, when there's plenty out there who have none?

I think you need to think a lot longer about this, and look into the therapy thing, and you never know, you might even find out that your wife would be perfectly happy to whip your ass...

_____________________________

I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 8

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:38:25 PM

saundrakitty

Posts: 148
Joined: 9/11/2012
Status: offline

All have given you very good advise. You Need to sit down and have a very long talk with you're wife and see what is wrong and if the two of you can work it out and then work together in a way that can help you're Kinky side, or it might be best for both of you to call it quits. There is no need to hurt each other or for you to bring in another person that also can get very badly hurt if everything all goes bad.

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 9

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:41:43 PM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity
I'm married and hubby is not nearly into this the way I am. He has about a guy level interest and that's it. Still, I have NEVER gone behind his back for anything. NEVER! There's no reason for a lack of integrity. Sorry.

I do think it's possible to play ethically, and develop a D/s relationship ethically, with someone who is married. I've done it myself. I've also ended a situation like that when I believed it was no longer ethical. So marriage to a vanilla isn't a life sentence, so to speak. It might require difficult conversations, such as an exploration of polyamory, or, "Yes, you can do kinky stuff I don't like doing, but only if you see a pro, no emotional connection."

Yes, and as one who has had those difficult conversations, gone through a lot of turmoil, and ultimately found solid ground again, I cannot for the life of me support in any way what this OP is doing. It's a hard road. It might end the marriage. It might be a very long period of intense struggle. At the end of the day, though, integrity isn't about what is easy or convenient. It is about what is right. And the sucky part is that after talking about all this with his wife, he may have to put this whole thing on the shelf and be a good husband and (if applicable) a good father instead of chasing waterfalls.

SD

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 10

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 1:49:16 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I do think it's possible to play ethically, and develop a D/s relationship ethically, with someone who is married. I've done it myself. I've also ended a situation like that when I believed it was no longer ethical.

I've played with several married men who were in open relationships. I ended one when I started developing feeling for him and he wouldn't let me nurture him after he had heart surgery. He had his wife, ex wife, mother and sister for that, lol. That clarified that he was not Relationship Guy and that I wanted RG.

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(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 11

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 2:28:52 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

Ken doll, 50's, newbie, wants sub or switch available days & occasional nights...wow at least you were honest about the married & cheating part or you'd have the douchebag trifecta!

I wouldn't expect a lot of takers when houston has such an active scene where singles have a great deal less baggage.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 12

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 2:34:01 PM

xLaChienne

Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline

Go to a pro.

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 13

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 2:35:49 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bighappygoth39
, you might even find out that your wife would be perfectly happy to whip your ass...

A houston woman finding out something like this was going on behind her back... he'd better pray she doesn't have a handgun (and most do) or he will be introduced to forceable sodomy with a firearm!
Lying to a Texas woman, especially a houston woman is a very very bad idea. We are bred for visiousness & grace under pressure for generations. A texas woman would rip your dick off for this then serve it with tea while she decides what to do with what's left... Yes i do speak from personal experience, you are playing with fire!

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 12/7/2012 2:42:13 PM >

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 14

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 2:39:29 PM

DrakSoul

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/5/2012
Status: offline

Grow some thick skin and treat 1% as real and the rest not so mucho - who should shown the ways of the knobkerrie and then hurled into a pool of magma with crocodiles with big smiley teeth the crocs are wearing tinfoil no continuity errors in my malarkey i says

Forums are oki - some good people inhabit them
Munches oki
clubs well hook up with some loons from the munch

Sites well all sites are full some nice real people other not so much

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 15

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 2:44:46 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DrakSoul

Grow some thick skin and treat 1% as real and the rest not so mucho - who should shown the ways of the knobkerrie and then hurled into a pool of magma with crocodiles with big smiley teeth the crocs are wearing tinfoil no continuity errors in my malarkey i says

Forums are oki - some good people inhabit them
Munches oki
clubs well hook up with some loons from the munch

Sites well all sites are full some nice real people other not so much

Can we get post #2 ever in english??

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to DrakSoul)

Post #: 16

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 3:19:47 PM

UnholyBear

Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: txstroker

i'm new to the lifestyle, but can't deny it's call any longer. unfortunately, i have to play on the side and very discretely as my wife's not involved and so my availability to play's not as frequent as i'd like. surely there's a way to get part-time play? any ideas? attend a munch? cast losts of bread on the water of personal ads? the possibilities are there, but success will likely be hit or miss.

i've read/thought as much as i can, now it's time to turn the fantasy into reality. i know there's a lot to learn and am also looking for instruction on floggers, bondage, etc.

thanks for the help.

Try being honest? If you can't be honest with your spouse then how can you be honest to the person you may be playing with?

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 17

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 3:25:33 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

FR

Pro-subs are probably a bit harder to find than pro-dommes, but if you value your marriage at all, even just a little bit, you'll be open with your wife and get permission to hire someone to flog.

Any sub worth anything won't come near you with a 10-ft pole if you are cheating. Cheaters are untrustworthy by the very fact that they are lying to their spouses, and you are asking her to lay her life in your hands. Not gonna happen if she has half a brain.

Sit you and your wife down and watch the latest episode (aired on 12/8/12) and discuss it afterward. See if any of it peaks her interest.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 12/7/2012 3:26:29 PM >

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to UnholyBear)

Post #: 18

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 4:43:18 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Ok, OP...I will warn you now...some of the responses are going to be harsh. I know on this side (chat) infidelity/adultery are highly frowned upon. Most people on this side would not condone nor actively participate with a married person and, they associate with those who are like-minded... On the other side (personals)...it is not that unusual. I choose not to consider married men. Many doms and subs think like me but there are also many who are ok with a married Dom or sub. I will say, I at one time thought it was better to play with someone married because that way there is no expectation of being involved in your daily life. The first Dom I became involved with was who proved to me how wrong I was. He convinced me to meet him despite being too young and too single. He pointed out how divided loyalties never will really work. How me knowing he was always a phone call away, willing to drop anything to respond to my needs or problems, never having to hear "My wife expects me to do XYZ so I can't be there for you when you need me" and vice versa deepens the bond and puts the dynamic on a whole new level. I am not going to tell you what to do, only to be honest with whoever you do it with. I will also warn that, no matter what you two believe, she will become attached. As a sub, I tell you the emotional attachment cannot be avoided no matter what you think. It is like expecting a child to not become attached to a caregiver. A sub is knowingly putting physical safety and mental stability into your hands, she WILL become attached. One married Dom warned me "not to fall in love with him (if we got together) because every sub he had been involved with had done so and all the endings had been ugly...

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 19

RE: Just starting the journey - need advice - 12/7/2012 6:01:24 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: txstroker

i'm new to the lifestyle, but can't deny it's call any longer. unfortunately, i have to play on the side and very discretely as my wife's not involved and so my availability to play's not as frequent as i'd like. surely there's a way to get part-time play? any ideas? attend a munch? cast losts of bread on the water of personal ads? the possibilities are there, but success will likely be hit or miss.

i've read/thought as much as i can, now it's time to turn the fantasy into reality. i know there's a lot to learn and am also looking for instruction on floggers, bondage, etc.

thanks for the help.

Marriage counseling and quit lying and cheating on your wife. Otherwise, I have zero advice for people such as you.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to txstroker)

Post #: 20

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