RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (Full Version)

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DomMeinCT -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:26:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TwistedChange Oh ladies I totally agree with you all and I am not in a relationship at the moment but I wanted to raise this as a topic of discussion as I hear about it quite a lot from other subs. I wanted to raise awareness of this common 'order' so that subs can see that some Doms have some very strange motives. In all the time I've talked to others here, I've never had a submissive woman say that they're not permitted use of the forums due to a controlling dominant partner. I have had a single person tell me they tell others they don't want to talk to that they can't and blame it on their dominant partner (with his permission).

mnottertail -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:28:18 AM)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cp42V938eBA

RemoteUser -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:28:59 AM)
My girl can talk to anyone she likes. She's not likely to tell me about it, but if it was important, she would. She's a private person so out of respect I don't post her username (let alone her real name), and if I mention it to anyone in mail on the other side I tell her. It's only happened twice (maybe three times?), and she was fine with it each time. I haven't seen a lot of this on the boards, and I can't say many, if any, subs I've talked with have communication limitations beyond the sensible (ie private matters). I think without particulars that abuse is a harsh word; it's practical to warn people but another thing altogether to label. Labels on these boards have a bad way of sticking, sometimes corrosively.

TwistedChange -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:30:42 AM)
I see what you're saying ladies, but come on, we see it all over the place some subs can't even shake off the 'On your knees bitch' private messengers on sites like these. Or even the well meaning 'doms' who advise them that their current relationships are all wrong. I feel that some subs do need empowering.

DarkSteven -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:37:37 AM)
Depends. If she enjoyed the forums, then a temporary ban could serve as a punishment. I once was married to a woman wbo insisted on sharing crap from her soap operas with me - if someone shared collarchat drama with me, I'd reduce her time here.

OsideGirl -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:37:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TwistedChange I see what you're saying ladies, but come on, we see it all over the place some subs can't even shake off the 'On your knees bitch' private messengers on sites like these. Or even the well meaning 'doms' who advise them that their current relationships are all wrong. I feel that some subs do need empowering. Yeah, but that's not a submissive thing, it's a personality thing and it can't be cured by an outside source. It's something that comes from within. Let's face it: If they don't have a enough strength to say "no" before the relationship, they won't be strong enough to resist the guy who pressures or sweet talks her around that impediment.

mnottertail -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:38:29 AM)
NOBODDY BETER BE SENKING ON YORE KNEALS MESSIGES TO THE UNEMPOWERED BITHCES I ONE. I AM DOMINATE.

RedMagic1 -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:38:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TwistedChange we see it all over the place No, we don't. It's atypical sub-frenzy behavior, most often (IME) exhibited by middle-aged women discovering D/s for the first time. TwistedChange, you're beginning to redflag me. If you have something concrete to express, do that. However, your OPs seem more like passive-aggressive attempts to stir up drama, than they do attempts to stimulate a discussion that can help people in the real world.

RemoteUser -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:46:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TwistedChange I see what you're saying ladies, but come on, we see it all over the place some subs can't even shake off the 'On your knees bitch' private messengers on sites like these. Or even the well meaning 'doms' who advise them that their current relationships are all wrong. I feel that some subs do need empowering. You can't eliminate stupid. To add to that: if your truth is not my truth it is not truth, but opinion.

came4U -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:46:40 AM)
quote: I feel that some subs do need empowering. and some people (subs) need financial/cooking/medical advice, but there comes a point where with some 'basic' necessities of knowledge and self-preservation come in handy and sometimes you just can't fix everybodyyyyy and you can't for sure fix people that don't ask to be helped (in your hypothetical settings). sometimes you just can't be 'mothering' every gal that seems weak because they have to (eventually) learn on their own that on the net there are wordy manipulators (as in life) and they have to learn to distinguish genuine security vs perceptual and artificial security (taken on by shuffling the responsiblility of one's own security to another). Big girl panties all around to the ones that don't know the difference. I always feel that in these instances it is where we bring in the things our parents (should) have taught us...Don't run into traffic, don't talk to strangers and DON'T let ANYONE talk you into anything that makes you morally uncomforable deep down. (*exception and high fives for any sweet-ass and sincere sadists who do not cause such trivial distress upon a sub) lol.

TwistedChange -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:50:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: TwistedChange we see it all over the place No, we don't. It's atypical sub-frenzy behavior, most often (IME) exhibited by middle-aged women discovering D/s for the first time. TwistedChange, you're beginning to redflag me. If you have something concrete to express, do that. However, your OPs seem more like passive-aggressive attempts to stir up drama, than they do attempts to stimulate a discussion that can help people in the real world. If that's the case RedMagic I will find a different way to express myself.

absolutchocolat -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 11:53:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail NOBODDY BETER BE SENKING ON YORE KNEALS MESSIGES TO THE UNEMPOWERED BITHCES I ONE. I AM DOMINATE. oh, shit. one of the real twue doms has invaded Ron's computer! CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE!!!! we need reinforcements!!!!

JeffBC -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 12:27:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders Denying contact with others is a big big warning sign. At best, it smacks of crippling insecurity. Obviously Carol's and my situation is different since she's not here posting a question like this. But honestly there are more reasons than "abuse" or "insecurity" that might drive such a decision. I have, at times, told her to get off some boards or get on others. Generally it was because some discussion boards were making her crazy. Others just had little value to her and were becoming time-sinks to procrastinate with instead of oil painting. The thing is, those reasons would've been obvious to Carol so a question like the OP's never would've been asked.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 1:04:36 PM)
Sure, there are exceptions and good reasons, but like you said, in those cases it's usually clear and obvious what the motivation is. In the general terms of the OP though, it hits my (admittedly sensitive) potential-abuse radar.

JeffBC -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 1:34:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders Sure, there are exceptions and good reasons, but like you said, in those cases it's usually clear and obvious what the motivation is. In the general terms of the OP though, it hits my (admittedly sensitive) potential-abuse radar. Agreed... if for no other reason than she is asking the question. Frankly though what is way more concerning to me than his maybe, maybe-not abusive insecurity is her lack of trust. That lack of trust may or may not be well founded but I'm often-times amazed that anyone would agree to obey anyone else in such a situation. The OP's profile talks about a history with "sad little men" and their "power trips". THIS is the red flag that should've bee tripped to prevent that. She doesn't trust him or his reasoning or his decision making ability yet she obeys him. Yeah... that's got red flag written all over it to me. What is missing in this equation is trust, respect, and communication. The thing is, Carol and I have been through this. It was not even a ripple in the pond. I gave the command. She questioned why. In most cases she agreed. In some she did not but she could at least see how my thinking was plausible and not based on insecurity or a desire to be abusive. For the OP's relationship the questions that I find most pressing are the ones that get to "Why isn't it going just as smoothly in her relationship?" And just as a general aside... this is one of the reasons I love TPE. It gets all of these sorts of questions out of the way right up front. Yup yup... I have both the right and the duty to tell Carol who she can and cannot speak to and both of us see it like that which I suspect also helps to cut down on the drama.

OsideGirl -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 2:06:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC I gave the command. She questioned why. In most cases she agreed. In some she did not but she could at least see how my thinking was plausible and not based on insecurity or a desire to be abusive. For me that's the key. The ability to ask a question and have it answered.

chatterbox24 -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 2:15:44 PM)
I don't read sometimes I just write. You just be you. If someone is trying to prevent you from being your authentic you there is a problem. PERIOD. Learn from your mistakes. Talk when you want to talk. Walk when you want to walk. Seek when you want to seek. IT is never a good thing when people keep you from being yourself. If you feel they are controlling you cause you can not control yourself, then control yourself. It really is that simple. Once you are in that position, everything else falls in place.

JeffBC -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 3:44:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl For me that's the key. The ability to ask a question and have it answered. I suspect it's more generic than that. Sometimes I don't answer Carol when she wants to know why. But Carol's assessment of trust in me is based on almost two decades of experience. Somehow, obviously, she's coming up with a "trustworthy" answer when she evaluates these things. Just as obviously, the OP came to the "not trustworthy" answer and that's what I'd want to focus on if I were talking to the two of them. In my opinion the "who you can talk to" thing is a red herring. The real question is "Why is she obeying some guy that she finds not trustworthy?" Sadly nobody wants to ever ask that question because it reeks of failure somehow. I don't personally see it that way. I figure that if I want to be trustworthy then that implies some actual measure. An actual measure implies I won't measure up all the time. So finding those times and reasons is a critical activity to me rather than something to be avoided. In other words, just like my honor, my failings at my own trustworthiness are how I know I'm at least trying. I'd love to see the OP go to her dom and say flat out, "I don't trust you with that decision. Do you want to take that off the negotiated list or do you want to work on the trust question?" That, in my mind, would be a healthy, fact-based way forward.

DesFIP -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 4:46:31 PM)
If you and he find micromanagement hot, that's one thing. If it's to prevent someone from getting support, that's quite different. I'm allowed to post online while he's watching football. With the caveat that if I get upset, this privilege gets removed. But it's to protect me and keep my mood steady. As far as talking to other dominants who I don't know from the forums, I wasn't allowed to in the beginning. Actually I was until I demonstrated early on the fact that I never seemed to know when a guy was coming on to me and then I got upset when they did. Again, the purpose was not distrust of me but to help me stay happier. The fact that I suffer from mood disorders also enters into this. I must say, having read the posts you've put up and your profile, that your expectations and experiences seem to be that all dominant men are actually abusive in some way. If that is so, I would suggest it means that you need to own your responsibility in picking these men. The only common denominator in all your relationships is you.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others (12/12/2012 7:02:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat the art & tammy reference was my lame attempt at humor. my mindset is that i don't post anything online that i wouldn't want my parents or loved ones to read...but of course, everyone doesn't subscribe to that mindset. also, i think it would depend on what you consider "dirty laundry" as well. means different things to different folks. oh yeah, here's the thread i was referencing, came4U: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3742544/mpage_1/tm.htm Thank you so much for the link to the Art & Tammy show. I read the thread this afternoon and it was sooooo worth it [sm=biggrin.gif] OP, as a dominant...I have personally never felt the need to tell the one who submits to me where and when they can post on forums. Id have a problem with personal relationship business being spilled all over the place ESPECIALLY if they never bothered speaking with me personally about what was troubling them. But I guess Ive just never felt insecure enough to have to exert that much control over someone else. If its part of a dynamic, more power to people. But if its done as a means of isolating someone from others, thats a sign of an abusive relationship.

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