RE: The Dom who wants to change you

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MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/12/2012 4:09:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven That's actually part of being a Dom - assessing my sub, working with her to overcome her weaknesses and fortify her strengths. Just because someone has labeled themselves Dominant does not mean that they are qualified to help someone overcome their weaknesses. It also depends on whether that's what you WANT as well. Having a so called dominant say, "I don't like your breasts, I want you to get implants," is a huge red flag. But having someone who CARES about you say, "I'll stand behind your efforts if you to try to quit smoking. I prefer that you do before you cause your own death," is a bit different. (helping you get that lap-band surgery you've been wanting, or giving you motivation to work out, etc etc) And if they are big on "helping people improve", ask for references from previous people/subs they have helped. It certainly can't hurt to ask before you get yourself in too deep with this person. --MM

slaveluci -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/12/2012 4:13:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TwistedChange What about Doms who say 'if I find something I dont like' (meaning about you, as a sub) 'I'll change it to something I do like.' .. He's not going to change anything. No one can change someone else. They can assist, if it's permitted, or force things on others but no one changes unless they choose to do so from within. Period. luci

OsideGirl -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/12/2012 4:18:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MAINEiacMISTRESS But having someone who CARES about you say, "I'll stand behind your efforts if you to try to quit smoking. I prefer that you do before you cause your own death," is a bit different. (helping you get that lap-band surgery you've been wanting, or giving you motivation to work out, etc etc) Which is not solely the realm of the Dominant nor does it have anything to do with D/s. That's just part of being a caring SO.

DesFIP -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/12/2012 4:40:46 PM)
I'd want to know exactly what he was talking about. I am an extreme introvert. Always have been and always will be. If he proposes to change me into a social butterfly it simply can't happen. I'm never going to look forward to being in large and noisy groups making inane small talk to people I don't know and don't care to. I'm capable of surviving such an experience but not of seeking to do it nightly. Now if he's talking about buying me a new wardrobe to be worn on dates, that's different. That's minor and doable.

littlewonder -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/12/2012 7:22:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TwistedChange What about Doms who say 'if I find something I dont like' (meaning about you, as a sub) 'I'll change it to something I do like.' .. I heard a Dom say this to a sub once, and have to wonder about the emotional impact of such a statement. How could she ever feel beautiful in his eyes if she fears him finding faults? He's found faults in me. He's changed them. He likes me physically in some ways more than others. He has me change them. I'm ok with them because I love him and I trust him and I like making him happy. What color my hair is or what clothing I wear is minor in comparison to our love for one another. When I started gaining weight, he made sure that I started losing weight. He isn't attracted to large girls plus he saw my self esteem starting to erode because I was unhappy with it. He mentioned why I haven't dyed my hair blonde for a long time when he saw my daughter and that she had dyed her hair. So yeah, this week I'll be dyeing my hair again. Again, no big deal. He has helped me to change the way I see myself. He doesn't like that I can be quite a negative person so I do my best to try and think differently. I don't see change as always a bad thing. Again, like your other post. If you don't trust your man...you got big problems to work on.

theshytype -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/12/2012 8:04:30 PM)
I don't really see a huge problem with it. If its something he would benefit from and make him happy, then I in turn would be happy. Now, if I was told I need to be a few inches shorter, then I'd have a problem. If he is that miserable with who I am, he knows where the door is. Likewise, if I have a problem then I'll show myself out. Since we're still together, I'm going to assume he likes me just fine. Any small detail will only make us stronger and not hurt my ego in any way.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/12/2012 9:42:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Just because someone has labeled themselves Dominant does not mean that they are qualified to help someone overcome their weaknesses. Well no. A label means nothing. But the fact that some specific submissive has agreed to obey some specific dominant damned well better mean that the submissive in question thinks they ARE qualified to do whatever it is that's contained in the job description of "dominant" in that relationship. First, I love that you said you found Carol to be a butterfly when you saw her, rather than a cocoon. However, the fact that I'm in love with a certain man who I can't help but submit to because of who he is, does NOT mean he is qualified to make certain changes in me. Now, I realize you qualified your remark to whatever is in the job description of dominant in that particular relationship, and I'm glad you did. Over here, I didn't come to him as a broken or weak being who needed changing or rebuilding. I had already done that on my own. Over here, we meshed together really well from the beginning, and there's no need for changing anyone. We do, however, influence each other, and are better people as a result of us being together. Yes there are things he might tweak here & there - like how I style or color my hair, or what color to put on my nails...that sort of thing. But I don't consider that changing me. As for behavioral changes, again, that goes back to us influencing each other. We've both changed in our time together, for the better. It's a result of shared wisdom, advice, experience, insight, etc. It's not a result of "I hold a particular status in this relationship and therefore you will change for me." At least not that I'm seeing.

SimplyMichael -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 8:11:10 AM)
Not only are breast implants hot, if I have her get them she won't know what sort till she wakes up after the operation. That said, I wouldn't do that outside a relationship I felt was at least potentially forever. While I would ask directly for her input, you can bet your ass I have paid attention to her likes and dislikes and factored that into my decision. But making her "mine" is a core part of my kink. Hair color, style, nails, waxing, all at my whim.

OsideGirl -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 8:33:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida However, the fact that I'm in love with a certain man who I can't help but submit to because of who he is, does NOT mean he is qualified to make certain changes in me. Now, I realize you qualified your remark to whatever is in the job description of dominant in that particular relationship, and I'm glad you did. Over here, I didn't come to him as a broken or weak being who needed changing or rebuilding. I had already done that on my own. Over here, we meshed together really well from the beginning, and there's no need for changing anyone. We do, however, influence each other, and are better people as a result of us being together. Yes there are things he might tweak here & there - like how I style or color my hair, or what color to put on my nails...that sort of thing. But I don't consider that changing me. As for behavioral changes, again, that goes back to us influencing each other. We've both changed in our time together, for the better. It's a result of shared wisdom, advice, experience, insight, etc. It's not a result of "I hold a particular status in this relationship and therefore you will change for me." At least not that I'm seeing. You nailed it NV. My hair is the way Master likes it. I changed cutting a sandwich down the middle to cutting on the diagonal because he likes it that way. Those are superficial things. But, he's not going to change who I am, cure my neurosis or change my core values. And truly, if one us was qualified to make those changes it would be me. I'm the one with the psych degree specializing in relationship counseling.

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 9:00:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida However, the fact that I'm in love with a certain man who I can't help but submit to because of who he is, does NOT mean he is qualified to make certain changes in me. Now, I realize you qualified your remark to whatever is in the job description of dominant in that particular relationship, and I'm glad you did. Thanks... but notice I said "whatever is in the job description for that relationship". What I'm trying to point out is that in the OP's question there's some sub who's giving authority to some dom but doesn't trust him to wield that authority. The simple answer is "don't give him that authority". The sub either needs to change the job description or else change the dominant.

Kana -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 2:44:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Not only are breast implants hot, if I have her get them she won't know what sort till she wakes up after the operation. That said, I wouldn't do that outside a relationship I felt was at least potentially forever. While I would ask directly for her input, you can bet your ass I have paid attention to her likes and dislikes and factored that into my decision. But making her "mine" is a core part of my kink. Hair color, style, nails, waxing, all at my whim. Naaah- you can't whale away on the titties when she's had implants. Bad juju there But yeah, she's mine. I own her ass, mind, body and soul. I wanna tattoo it, change the hair color, have the nails done a certain way, get her to a specific size, she's gonna do it, or there ain't gonna be a we for long. I mean, fuck, what the hell is the point of owning the slut if she doesn't meet my wants/needs/desires? I want some gal who says no, I'll go marry some nilla chica. [:-]

TwistedChange -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 2:47:16 PM)
Loving that this thread has taken on a life of it's own. Reading with interest!

theRose4U -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 5:15:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven That's actually part of being a Dom - assessing my sub, working with her to overcome her weaknesses and fortify her strengths. But it could and should be presented better. Its one thing to say "honey I think I like your hair better brown (when she shows up skunk blonde)" quite another to go "what the fuck did you do to your hair without permission"? I won't say subtlty is always an issue but many if not most issues that come up in WIITWD can be handled with a little finess!

OsideGirl -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 5:25:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven That's actually part of being a Dom - assessing my sub, working with her to overcome her weaknesses and fortify her strengths. But it could and should be presented better. Its one thing to say "honey I think I like your hair better brown (when she shows up skunk blonde)" quite another to go "what the fuck did you do to your hair without permission"? I won't say subtlty is always an issue but many if not most issues that come up in WIITWD can be handled with a little finess! Master just said to me earlier this week, "When you go to get your hair done, I'd like you to go a shade darker on your hair". I said, "okay". It was easy and non-dramatic.

theRose4U -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 5:27:49 PM)
quote: I've seen so many profiles where the guy is wearing stained, torn clothes, sloppy appearance, the room around them is a disaster and they look like they're living in their Mother's basement talking about how they're going to mold some submissive female into the ideal woman. EXACTLY!!! If they can't dominate a laundry hamper long enough for a cell phone mirror pic, how do they expect a real live sub to take them seriously?!?

MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 5:32:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: I've seen so many profiles where the guy is wearing stained, torn clothes, sloppy appearance, the room around them is a disaster and they look like they're living in their Mother's basement talking about how they're going to mold some submissive female into the ideal woman. EXACTLY!!! If they can't dominate a laundry hamper long enough for a cell phone mirror pic, how do they expect a real live sub to take them seriously?!? LMAO, I just spewed tea all over My laptop. I think I've SEEN that guy!

theRose4U -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 5:36:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MAINEiacMISTRESS quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: I've seen so many profiles where the guy is wearing stained, torn clothes, sloppy appearance, the room around them is a disaster and they look like they're living in their Mother's basement talking about how they're going to mold some submissive female into the ideal woman. EXACTLY!!! If they can't dominate a laundry hamper long enough for a cell phone mirror pic, how do they expect a real live sub to take them seriously?!? LMAO, I just spewed tea all over My laptop. I think I've SEEN that guy! I know for a fact you've seen that guy, he was here last weekend bitching about fake subs.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 11:25:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl My hair is the way Master likes it. I changed cutting a sandwich down the middle to cutting on the diagonal because he likes it that way. Those are superficial things. But, he's not going to change who I am, cure my neurosis or change my core values. Bingo. The superficial stuff is just that. But changing me at my core? Cure me of my neurosis? Ha, actually he embraces those things and encourages me to embrace them, too. In fact, it has been decided (by him, of course) that I'm not to refer to my crazy idiosyncrasies as "complications" anymore; rather, as "benefits." I guess I'm just glad I came to a place within myself where it wasn't acceptable to change who I am for anyone (that wasn't always the case, and I did change greatly for people in the past), and that when I came to that place within me, I met a man who happened to love who that was, and who isn't interested in changing someone into something other than who and what they are. When I needed to change things about myself (as in the way I saw myself and the way I looked at the world), I came to that conclusion, and I saw a therapist.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 11:30:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida However, the fact that I'm in love with a certain man who I can't help but submit to because of who he is, does NOT mean he is qualified to make certain changes in me. Now, I realize you qualified your remark to whatever is in the job description of dominant in that particular relationship, and I'm glad you did. Thanks... but notice I said "whatever is in the job description for that relationship". What I'm trying to point out is that in the OP's question there's some sub who's giving authority to some dom but doesn't trust him to wield that authority. The simple answer is "don't give him that authority". The sub either needs to change the job description or else change the dominant. Of course I noticed you said that, about the job description. I specifically pointed out in my post that you said that, and that I was glad you did. But I didn't create his job description. We created it together, by talking talking talking about what we both wanted in a relationship and what made the best sense to us. In our case, I don't trust him with the job description of "psychotherapist" because he isn't one. Any more than I'd trust him to rebuild the engine of my car if it needed it. The man is pretty damn awesome, but he's not omnipotent and it would be pretty silly of him to think he is, and pretty unfair of me to expect him to be.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/13/2012 11:34:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven That's actually part of being a Dom - assessing my sub, working with her to overcome her weaknesses and fortify her strengths. But it could and should be presented better. Its one thing to say "honey I think I like your hair better brown (when she shows up skunk blonde)" quite another to go "what the fuck did you do to your hair without permission"? I won't say subtlty is always an issue but many if not most issues that come up in WIITWD can be handled with a little finess! Master just said to me earlier this week, "When you go to get your hair done, I'd like you to go a shade darker on your hair". I said, "okay". It was easy and non-dramatic. Over here it was the same, "Let's go more red this time, and shorter" which was followed by my response of "Ooooh, scary, but ok!" Easy peasy.

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