RE: The Dom who wants to change you

RE: The Dom who wants to change you (Full Version)

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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 3:53:09 AM)
NV and Oside- can your guys have a word with my guy? I've been wearing my hair in the same style since we got married because my husband likes things.... the same. I'd be so excited if he came home with the order to change the colour or get it all cut off! The last time I had it cut shorter was when it caught fire and we had no choice.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 9:55:20 AM)
Caught fire? Yikes!!! Maybe stand next to a candle?? [8D] I personally prefer my hair longer, but it's not to be.

OsideGirl -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 10:10:28 AM)
I prefer mine just below the shoulder. Master likes it to the middle of my back.

Kana -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 1:42:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl I prefer mine just below the shoulder. Master likes it to the middle of my back. Grins-and look where that hair is in your photo

littleone35 -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 1:53:03 PM)
I would just say if you want to change me then why did you choose me as your sub? If he he siad it in that way the OP said i would either leave or show him the door dependong on where we wrer a the time. I am kucky Master like the song loves me just the way i am. he would never ask me to change. He knows i want to lose weight for ME and my health and he is supporting me in that. He never asked me to lose weight. If he does not like you the way you are and wants to chang you makesyou wonder why he did not choose a different sub. Matt's littleone

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 2:39:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone35 If he does not like you the way you are and wants to change you makes you wonder why he did not choose a different sub. Sheez. How about I chose the sub that I chose because I liked her an awful freakin lot and I change her as I desire because she's fucking mine? How hard is that to understand? Which part is unclear?

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 2:52:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: littleone35 If he does not like you the way you are and wants to change you makes you wonder why he did not choose a different sub. Sheez. How about I chose the sub that I chose because I liked her an awful freakin lot and I change her as I desire because she's fucking mine? How hard is that to understand? Which part is unclear? Can I answer that? For some of us, Jeff, our owners think we're pretty fucking rockin as we are, and we ARE what they desire. How hard is that to understand? Which part is unclear? To be clear, though, I'm not referring to the superficial tweaks OG and I were talking about. Most of my profound changes have come from my own desire, which he has supported. Then again, as I mentioned earlier, we influence each other. He grew a goatee because I thought he'd look hot in one (and he does!). So, we changed each other's hair styles, go figure.

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 3:08:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida For some of us, Jeff, our owners think we're pretty fucking rockin as we are, and we ARE what they desire. How hard is that to understand? Which part is unclear? No part of that is unclear. I get it entirely and as you know, with your relationship in particular I'm a huge fan. But I'm not the one with comprehension problems on this thread.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 3:16:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida For some of us, Jeff, our owners think we're pretty fucking rockin as we are, and we ARE what they desire. How hard is that to understand? Which part is unclear? No part of that is unclear. I get it entirely and as you know, with your relationship in particular I'm a huge fan. But I'm not the one with comprehension problems on this thread. Cool. I didn't see her post as a response to you, but as her opinion coming from her own relationship. But then my brain is pretty foggy today (comprehension issues haha) so maybe I missed something.

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 3:28:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Cool. I didn't see her post as a response to you, but as her opinion coming from her own relationship. But then my brain is pretty foggy today (comprehension issues haha) so maybe I missed something. In general this entire thread is expressing some level of horror that a dom might want to change a sub. Well, I'm such a dom so I'm sticking up for myself and all my evil compatriots. And if Carol cared enough to post here she'd be sticking up for all her doormat peers. For Carol and I this has nothing to do with D/s. It has to do with being in a long-term relationship. Changing to become better for our partners was a part of the deal from day one. It is largely why I believe we are happier now than when we first met... because we've actively and consciously made sure that is true. So the whole "Why not simply pick a different woman from day one" thing just sounds flat out stupid to me. I picked the best woman I could find and 20 years later I still think she's the best woman I've ever run across. Carol, however, is not willing to rest on her laurels.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 3:51:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC In general this entire thread is expressing some level of horror that a dom might want to change a sub. Well, I'm such a dom so I'm sticking up for myself and all my evil compatriots. And if Carol cared enough to post here she'd be sticking up for all her doormat peers. I can't say I see "horror" here, just a bunch of individual opinions from people, about what works best for them. Being that you're in the minority of such opinions, I can understand feeling somewhat defensive, but there is no right or wrong here, just differences. quote: For Carol and I this has nothing to do with D/s. This seems kind of D/s to me: "I change her as I desire because she's fucking mine?" quote: It has to do with being in a long-term relationship. Changing to become better for our partners was a part of the deal from day one. It is largely why I believe we are happier now than when we first met... because we've actively and consciously made sure that is true. So the whole "Why not simply pick a different woman from day one" thing just sounds flat out stupid to me. I picked the best woman I could find and 20 years later I still think she's the best woman I've ever run across. Carol, however, is not willing to rest on her laurels. And many, many people - D/s or otherwise - can relate to this. But this is kind of in conflict with your statement of "I change her because she's mine". What you're saying here is that you change for each other. Similar to my previous statement that he & I influence each other. Different in that we're not actively and consciously changing each other, or changing FOR each other. Again, no right or wrong and what works within relationships is what works. I was just a little taken by your "tone" earlier, so I responded to it.

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 4:15:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida This seems kind of D/s to me: "I change her as I desire because she's fucking mine?" OK.... I admit to excess snark in that statement. My incredulity at the very concept that a dominant personality wouldn't change a submissive one is kind of boundless. In point of fact I'd call that process automatic. Getting past the snark though let me deconstruct that statement... Carol did this of her own accord before she was mine. Now, like everything else, the expectation is that I lead this process. So yes, I DO do it because she is mine. If I wasn't doing it for that reason then she'd be doing it for her own reasons. We have always changed for each other. Nowadays the big difference is that I'm the one who's tasked with figuring out what changes those need to be... both in her and myself. That's pretty much the same as everything else in our marriage. The only real difference between before/after is that certain tasks landed squarely on my plate. Insofar as you and your master, far be it from me to tell you how to run your relationship (and I mean that seriously since you two seem to be doing better-than-fine LOL) but I'd be willing to guess that you're viewpoints on this question won't be the same if you two are still together a decade from now. You two have a good thing going on and you seem to be treating each other well. Over time, if that continues, trust and knowledge will develop. One of the factors here is that Carol and I have two decades of trust in the other person that if we hand our "self" to them it will be treated with dignity and care. In point of fact both of us are quite certain that our "self" is probably in better hands if it's in the hands of our partner. So honestly, her handing her "self" to me (or me doing so with her -- which also happens) just isn't that scary of a proposition. Carol actually sees it as a convenience.

NuevaVida -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 4:31:11 PM)
I'm always glad when you come back to explain things because the majority of people here on CM are NOT in 20+ year relationships, and it could be a pretty harmful game to start making all sorts of changes for someone who wants to change them simply because they can. And it also explains the majority of the responses you are seeing - I hope you keep that in mind the next time you snark-fire. As for the Mister and I, well I WAS in a 20 year relationship previously, in which I did trust him and I did make many, many changes for him, most of which turned out to be harmful for me in the long run. Of course, it was obviously an unhealthy relationship, unlike the one I'm in now. But because I took the time after that (with some really stupid mistakes along the way) to really get to know myself, how I tick and what is healthy/unhealthy for me, I'm hard pressed to find someone who knows me as well as I do, and who can therefore decide what needs to be changed in me and why. You're right - obviously in 10+ years, our picture will look much different, because he will know me as well as I do, and I'll have trust in that. We're only going on 4 years and still not under one roof (boo) so our relationship is nothing like it will be in the years to come. Still, though, because of who I know him to be, I can't see him choosing a lot of changes. But time will tell. Right now, though, he exercises his authority in other ways.

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 5:00:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Still, though, because of who I know him to be, I can't see him choosing a lot of changes. But time will tell. Right now, though, he exercises his authority in other ways. ROFL... yes... time will tell. By FAR the largest bit of interior redecorating I've done in Carol is in the act of internally enslaving her. I've taken a normal American woman (read that as "free") and changed her own self-image to be that of "owned property". Had anyone suggested such a thing to Carol and I a decade ago I can guarantee you we both would've been backing away slowly laughs. Odd though that if I said "I've internally enslaved Carol" people would not have reacted in this way. Rather they would've seen it as hot, romantic, or delusional depending on their specific bent. One day someone's going to explain to me how you can enslave someone without making some changes -- notably to this little business of "who owns me?" Some of the other major changes I've done would have also been unpredictable. Life, in general, I find to be pretty unpredictable :) In the end though it doesn't really matter what they are or how big they are or any other such thing. What matters is the factual results... does our marriage get better under my leadership or not? Aside from her submissive tendencies, Carol's also a smart woman and she's ill inclined to abandon a winning strategy. And to newer readers here, Nueva's point is valid. Carol extends trust in this way with good reason. If you're some sub who thinks this whole idea is hot then more power to you but you damned well better have good reasons for your trust also or it's going to turn out very, very poorly. Like any sort of edge-play it's best done by experts. Carol & I are "expert at each other" by dint of 20 years experience.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 5:14:22 PM)
I am new to this (only one relationship on my "resume") so I don't know if my opinion is welcome but...I tend to WANT to make people who are important to me happy with me... The thrill from the look of approval or the "good job"...to me that is the ultimate adrenaline rush...Why wouldn't I do something that easy that could get me that reward? OK... Ummm...is everyone going to start yelling I need therapy and self-esteem? Just want to know if I should duck.

ARIES83 -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 5:20:16 PM)
interesting reading, It's making it seem like a lot of the "changing" stuff is falling into the catagory of a type of limits, limits on what you would and wouldn't change just like limits on what you will and will not do. I've got no problem with that really. I'd be curious to see what specifically you subs are talking about when you mention things you wouldn't change. -Aries

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 5:28:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss I am new to this (only one relationship on my "resume") so I don't know if my opinion is welcome but... Section 3.8 of the Terms of Service clearly state that you must have at least 3 TRUE relationships under your belt before posting any welcome comments. There is no mention, however, of any restriction on posting unwelcome ones -- which is probably a good thing for all of us now and again :) quote: I tend to WANT to make people who are important to me happy with me... I think most people would agree with that statement. quote: The thrill from the look of approval or the "good job"...to me that is the ultimate adrenaline rush...Why wouldn't I do something that easy that could get me that reward? The rub there is the word "easy". What happens when it's not easy? What happens when the change is core rather than surface? What happens when it's something which conflicts or changes your existing moral code? Those are the trouble spots. quote: OK... Ummm...is everyone going to start yelling I need therapy and self-esteem? Just want to know if I should duck. ROFL. Sadly that's only half a joke.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 5:35:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: quote: The thrill from the look of approval or the "good job"...to me that is the ultimate adrenaline rush...Why wouldn't I do something that easy that could get me that reward? The rub there is the word "easy". What happens when it's not easy? What happens when the change is core rather than surface? What happens when it's something which conflicts or changes your existing moral code? Those are the trouble spots. quote: The "easy" comment was regarding changing hair, clothes, reading a book.. All those things are simple to do so why not just do them? Core changes? Moral questions? I won't blindly follow or care about the opinion of just anyone (part of my "issues" is that if I sense the SLIGHTEST weakness, I either take over or just do what I want)... If I am at the point where I care about someone's approval of me, it means I have a deep level of respect, trust, belief in them, know they have an interest in keeping me safe... (And this isn't just personally..I am the same way professionally).. At that point, yeah, it is no holds barred.. I need that approval, that pat on the head... I need to make them know that I am so appreciative of what they do for me that something so small as hair, clothes...why even bother thinking about it? Maybe if they asked me to embezzle money or desecrate a church....but then I would lose respect for them, not trust their moral compass or believe I was safe or that he cared....and then we get back to the first point (The adrenaline rush comes only from being approved of someone I respect, trust...). Boy, Maybe I should just put a shrink on retainer...

came4U -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 7:56:04 PM)
What is wrong with change? besides this is D/s we are talking about...not an AA meeting motto, so change is likely a given (otherwise a gal would be the perfect slave from day 1 meet). The wisdom lies in IF the person wanting the change is doing so has a productive purpose (as a couple) or just to test the person's ability or even worse--devotion or loyalty.

JeffBC -> RE: The Dom who wants to change you (12/14/2012 8:29:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss If I am at the point where I care about someone's approval of me, it means I have a deep level of respect, trust, belief in them, know they have an interest in keeping me safe... (And this isn't just personally..I am the same way professionally).. At that point, yeah, it is no holds barred.. I need that approval, that pat on the head... I need to make them know that I am so appreciative of what they do for me that something so small as hair, clothes...why even bother thinking about it? Maybe if they asked me to embezzle money or desecrate a church....but then I would lose respect for them, not trust their moral compass or believe I was safe or that he cared....and then we get back to the first point (The adrenaline rush comes only from being approved of someone I respect, trust...). Boy, Maybe I should just put a shrink on retainer... Yeah, crazy right? Imagine respecting someone's opinion and then actually caring about that opinion? In all honesty though I think what makes this seem so sensible to me and Carol is that we don't rush into the trust and respect part. Apparently, neither do you. So it always gets back to that classic line from agirl... "Conveniently for me I didn't pick an idiot for an owner so the bills get paid and the children get fed even if I do obey."

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