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Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 4:09:34 PM

nakedfreedom

Posts: 21
Joined: 11/5/2008
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To people who aren't in the community, BDSM can easy to be mistaken for abuse. Submissives and slaves not only get physically hurt, they're also called names and put-down. What's the difference between verbal humiliation and verbal abuse?

In the videochat, it's all fair game. You don't need anyone's consent to behave in a dominant way towards anyone. You don't need to ask for permission or consent from the submissive or slave. They'll verbally abuse you if your profile says that you're not a Dom/me.

The same goes for submissives and slaves who message Dom/mes and act as if they are entitled to being dominated. Dom/mes usually get angry and send harsh messages in the public channel.

One young woman took to verbally humiliating all men by called them 'sperms' upon entering the room. Of course, if a guy called women 'vaginas' or 'boobs' it would be interpreted as sexist - and they're right! No one has any right to go on a public channel and denigrate all women. Even if submissive/slaves are in the room, these women are not his submissive or slaves, so he really doesn't have the right. But the same is true towards Dommes and subs/slaves.

Consent is the only thing that separates BDSM from abuse. Without it, you simply have an individual putting another person down without their expressed permission. And it will hurt and denigate just like abuse.

And in videochat, the consent rule isn't practice. The Admins don't care or simply can't keep up with the rude behaviour from people who feel that collarme is the perfect place to tell people to fuck off, call them 'losers' or just denigrate men or women en masse. Dom/mes can talk down to anyone that is labeled a 'sub' or 'slave'. They don't need to ask for permission, engage in a conversation with anyone or even talk about preferences. In other words, they don't have to practice the consent rule.

BDSM is a lot of fun, but it can be dangerous too. It is important to find someonw who knows what they are doing. And it is not just a matter of finding someone who knows how the human body reacts to physical pain, but someone who practices the Golden Rule of BDSM: Consensual.

It's the only thing that differentiates BDSM from abuse.

< Message edited by nakedfreedom -- 12/22/2012 4:19:46 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 4:10:59 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Was there a point to this? A question? You're talking to the choir here dude.

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Post #: 2

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 4:23:29 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
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Thanks for clearing that up. It's been keeping me up at night.

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RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 4:37:58 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
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WTF?

We know the difference. But that difference is not what your message refers to.

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Post #: 4

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 4:40:20 PM

RemoteUser

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What I'm gathering from this is that the OP feels people are verbally abusive in CollarMe's chat rooms, and is stating that it's not acceptable. What I'm wondering is what he has done through the appropriate channels about it.

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RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 4:44:43 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

What I'm gathering from this is that the OP feels people are verbally abusive in CollarMe's chat rooms, and is stating that it's not acceptable. What I'm wondering is what he has done through the appropriate channels about it.

Maybe confused some moderators?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 6

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 5:12:31 PM

RemoteUser

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Joined: 5/10/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

What I'm gathering from this is that the OP feels people are verbally abusive in CollarMe's chat rooms, and is stating that it's not acceptable. What I'm wondering is what he has done through the appropriate channels about it.

Maybe confused some moderators?

Quite likely! That might explain the flavour of the posited commentary, "The Admins don't care or simply can't keep up with the rude behaviour from people who feel that collarme is the perfect place to tell people to fuck off, call them 'losers' or just denigrate men or women en masse."

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

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Post #: 7

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 5:17:44 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

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Post #: 8

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 6:29:08 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
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I think this quote sums it up nicely:

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

It's a BDSM site, not Hello Kitty Island Adventure. It may have escaped your notice, but there are more than a few sadists here. When you are running with wolves, don't be surprised if you get nipped.

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Post #: 9

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 7:10:02 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

Consent is the only thing that separates BDSM from abuse. Without it, you simply have an individual putting another person down without their expressed permission. And it will hurt and denigate just like abuse.

Please take this into consideration... A lot of people come here for cybering and to get a mild kink fix or D/s fix. Just this past year alone there had to be close to a thousand guys trying to get me to humiliate them. Since I do not see most of them here in the message boards, they are likely trying to get their humiliation fix somewhere else at Collarme. Through letters and chatrooms.

I don't know if you frequent the video chat room just to talk with fellow kinksters or if you are there to enjoy some roleplay. If it's for the first, see if you can block the ones trying to instigate roleplay without your consent. If it's for the second, consider that letting others get their groove on might be the price you have to pay to get your own groove on.

quote:

The same goes for submissives and slaves who message Dom/mes and act as if they are entitled to being dominated. Dom/mes usually get angry and send harsh messages in the public channel.

Um, yeah. When I used to be in the regular chatroom, before the chatrooms all changed and the Lobby disappeared, there were unwritten rules. As a Domme I would often be juggling 3-5 private chats while also keeping up with the main room. It was considered polite to ask in the public room if someone may send a private message or not...I used to even do this myself, because friends of mine might have been too busy in private chats to juggle yet another at that time. Sometimes I would have several chats going on and...suddenly be hit with seven to a dozen more private messages.

Dealing politely with each person...I tried most of the time, explaining that they needed to ask first before sending a pm and that I couldn't chat with them at that time but maybe some other time. Most guys wouldn't take the hint and would "demand" that I get rid of all other chats to make them a priority. LOL! It's much easier to say "F*ck off!" than to deal with a few dozen private messages from each person arguing their case why we should talk with them RIGHT NOW.

There are a lot more guys coming into those rooms for some free cybering than there are women who can supply it. (I think we need more pro-Dommes coming here to this site. Seriously. I get tired of the mannerless leg humpers trying to force their kink and sub frenzy on me, and sometimes just wanna kick them in the nut sack instead of blocking them, lol.)

Yes, when someone was making a complete ass out of himself in private chat...I would get irritated enough to mention it in the main room. Usually it was just, "*insert name here*, stop pm'ing me without asking in the Lobby first". If I said something like, "*insert name here*, you are a complete butthead, STOP messaging me!", the mods would pop me on the head for being a Drama Queen and would tell me to either put them on ignore or keep it private. This was something like ten years ago though.

(in reply to nakedfreedom)

Post #: 10

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 7:31:01 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Wouldn't the original been better served by actually addressing the people in video chat? I know there are Mods to video chat. Has the OP talked to any of them? Does the block/hide option work in the chat rooms for people that are offensive?

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Post #: 11

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 7:33:10 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Dude...slow down on the eggnog. We understand and agree & we love to discuss & debate so,just ask a question!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 8:17:08 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

OK... just to make sure I'm clear here.

You were beat up in the chat rooms and now you want to educate us all on the need for consent so we can put an end to all that chat room violence?

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Post #: 13

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 8:20:12 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Wouldn't the original been better served by actually addressing the people in video chat? I know there are Mods to video chat. Has the OP talked to any of them? Does the block/hide option work in the chat rooms for people that are offensive?

But then what would he do for attention if he had nothing to complain about?

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Post #: 14

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 8:29:00 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

And in videochat, the consent rule isn't practice. The Admins don't care or simply can't keep up with the rude behaviour from people who feel that collarme is the perfect place to tell people to fuck off, call them 'losers' or just denigrate men or women en masse. Dom/mes can talk down to anyone that is labeled a 'sub' or 'slave'. They don't need to ask for permission, engage in a conversation with anyone or even talk about preferences. In other words, they don't have to practice the consent rule.

There is that special button all video chat users are granted upon entering.

Its called "Block"

Instead of whining that no one is babysitting, why not babysit yourself and utilize that special feature?

The Admins shouldnt have to take care of these kinds of problems when you have the ability to block out any negativity sent your way in there.

Put on your big boy pants.

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Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
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Post #: 15

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 8:56:46 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
There is that special button all video chat users are granted upon entering. Its called "Block"

You know what? I just had an awesome idea. Clearly the [block] and [hide] functions on this site aren't serving their intended purpose. People seem to struggle with this all the time. So I propose they get rid of these obviously useless buttons and replace them with a single unified [rant] button. You could click it and depending on context it could auto-generate a rant and post it in the forums for you.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/22/2012 9:03:19 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

lol... there are a few girls in the video chat room that have such a rant button.... its hilarious!!

But, even though I agree, can you imagine the number of rant threads that would be started?

Or maybe we could just start a "My rant of the day is..... " Thread in the Random section. Consolidate all the whining there.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 17

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/23/2012 1:24:34 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Fast reply

Maybe it's just me, but I put quite a lot of weight into the word 'abuse'. I recognise that it's often used as synonymous with 'insult' but to me, abuse is something which deliberately inflicts harm upon someone (physically, mentally or emotionally), or a systematic pattern of behaviours which causes or attempts to cause that harm.

Yes, consent is ONE of the easier ways to distinguish between abuse and good kinky fun (though truthfully I think even that is not as simple as it sounds). But someone saying things you don't like in a chatroom you don't have to go in.... wouldn't register as abuse to me. They're not doing it to cause you harm, they're just having their fun. That's how it works there (I'm taking your word for it OP, having never been in myself) but there are lots of other places online where that doesn't happen, so you don't need to be exposed to it. If you go into a place known for people instigating role play and using insulting language towards every sub that enters, then some would argue you have consented implicitly to being exposed to such language. If I go see a movie rated for adults, I have only myself to blame if the nudity/language/violence offends me.

TL:DR I don't consider people saying things I don't like online to be abuse.

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Post #: 18

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/23/2012 8:17:06 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

In chatrooms is always pisses them off when I type about cutting my heart out for a snack while I watch...

ITS A FUCKING CHAT ROOM!!!"

If you can be "forced" in a chat room, please call your mommy and tell her you need to start over.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 19

RE: Why BDSM isn't Abuse - 12/23/2012 8:58:10 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
There is that special button all video chat users are granted upon entering. Its called "Block"

You know what? I just had an awesome idea. Clearly the [block] and [hide] functions on this site aren't serving their intended purpose. People seem to struggle with this all the time. So I propose they get rid of these obviously useless buttons and replace them with a single unified [rant] button. You could click it and depending on context it could auto-generate a rant and post it in the forums for you.

I snorted. Thanks.

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(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 20

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