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Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 7:21:03 PM   
MarineKitten


Posts: 68
Joined: 12/21/2012
Status: offline 		How do masters deal with things if the have a stressed out submissive? Say she is taking on too much at once, and feels overwhelmed. How do you help her relax, and try to take the burden off?
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 7:27:55 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		First help shovel out from under the burden if that is necessary and feasible. Then train her in time management, goal setting, and the like.

edited to add
depending on the situation there may be a host of other fixes like simply commanding her to take a day or two off or simply commanding her to relax, etc. I might prioritize her workload for her or simply cancel some of whatever it is (eg: instruct her to quit a class, job, etc.) I might get friends to help. There's a lot of specific variation in your question. But in the bigger picture my first statement stands. I need to get the immediate stress out of the way somehow or wait it out if I can and then work on longer term fixes if the problem sees like a recurring one.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 12/28/2012 7:36:42 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 8:25:42 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If he feels I'm taking on too much he will make me stop doing certain things. If he feels I'm stressing over unnecessary stuff, he tells me so and we talk about it. If he feels I'm stressed because I just need a break then he finds a way to give me that break or finds a way to make my life a little easier. It could be as simple as allowing me to sleep in or making me dinner or helping me to clean up. Other times he just reassures me of his love and how much he cares for me and asks me if there is anything he can do.

I do the same things for him. It has nothing to do with bdsm and everything to do with being in a relationship where we both want the best for each other.

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 9:09:19 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		I think that mainly it comes down to open communication on the sub/slaves part to her/his Dominant. And his/her to listen, not necessarily to solve the issues but to lend support in whatever the sub/slave does decide to do to resolve the stress.I guess I am not a big proponent in someone solving my issues and coming to the rescue as I am for the shoulder to lean upon and confide in without censorship or criticism.This is in my opinion simply common sense in any kind of relationship, vanilla or BDSM

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 9:17:24 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Oh hell. I'm hanging my head in shame on this thread. I just realized I missed an opportunity to lose a few more "true dom" points.

I might also give her a back rub or draw a bath and set up some candles and music.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 9:19:12 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		First & foremost I'm not a mind reader. If I sense something isn't right & keep hearing "I'm fine, yeah its ok, I'm just tired"...I can't help!!
The rest really depends on what's going on. Holidays are temporary, holiday "family stuff" can be worked through, work especially extra jobs can be discussed.

Best advice I have is talk to your master...that's what he's there for. Even human kittens get hair balls that must be cared for.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 9:19:49 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		All the above, plus a good session to beat the tension out of her.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 9:32:10 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Maybe something to drink and a massage would
help...


JD on the rocks, all the tention is in my upper back.

-Aries

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530 DAYS

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 9:53:36 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Himself monitors my activities and does not 'let' me overdo. It's the one admonition I hear more than anything else: Don't overdo it !

I report to him every morning about what my day looks like, what I want to get accomplished, and what my ability to do all that is looking like. He makes adjustments as necessary so I don't do too much.

Which means the only time I *do* do too much is when I haven't done a great job of reporting. I make my own work day, so it happens.

If I'm tired or stressed, *he* takes care of *me.* So that means he deals with dinner, or does the dishes, or gives me a mini massage, or whatever. I admit it Jeff, sometimes he runs me a bath.

If I was tired and stressed everyday b/c I overdid it, he would see that as a problem that I was not helping him correct, and he would not be pleased.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 12/28/2012 9:55:12 PM >

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/28/2012 11:54:00 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
I admit it Jeff, sometimes he runs me a bath.

I hope he's as diligent in getting feedback as I am. Frequently when I do stuff like this with Carol I check to make sure she's not losing too much respect for my ultimate domliness. So far she hasn't seemed to experience that but -- you know -- forewarned is forearmed and all that :)

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 1:51:25 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I admit that I am a stress-head.

I tend to worry and fret and get anxious. Mostly about things I can't control. I tend to feel guilty about things which logically I know are beyond my control. I get restless and sleepless. He manages this by pointing out the truth of the situation, helping me relax with hot baths and cuddles, a good beating, or just reminding me to stop and breathe and count to ten.

The other kind of stress is less negative.

I live my life with a 'what can I do next?' sort of mentality. I always have a heap of projects on the go and if there's a lull in my busyness I feel antsy, like time is bearing down on me and I'm wasting my life. Needless to say that's got me into some hectic situations. He keeps an eye on me when that happens and will make sure I do at least get some rest and eat some food. He helps me manage non-essential deadlines when this happens. But he doesn't prevent me from doing it or make me give things up because this is part of my personality and he knew this from the start. I actually feel less stressy and anxious when I'm in the midst of things, because I feel I'm focusing and accomplishing things. I had a really rough time shortly after I had my baby, because I went from chaotic job, school, running a youth project to just being mummy alone at home. So for me a little bit of stress makes me function at my best, and he encourages it.

The greater risk here is that I'll get so caught up in things I won't be serving as well. That's just something we manage on a case by case basis. On one hand I have duties that need to be fulfilled, on the other hand working to improve myself and be more interesting serves him too.

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Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 1:56:30 AM   
MarineKitten


Posts: 68
Joined: 12/21/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
There's a lot of specific variation in your question.

That was my whole intention. There are many different ways to handle the situation and I wanted to see how diverse the answers could be. I am enjoying reading everyone's position on what could happen. Personally I believe that it is up to the submissive to communicate with her dom. If she is having a problem managing everything she could ask for advice, or help. Unless you're the sadistic type who likes watching your sub flounder.

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 1:55:10 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarineKitten

How do masters deal with things if the have a stressed out submissive? Say she is taking on too much at once, and feels overwhelmed. How do you help her relax, and try to take the burden off?


Stress and the submissive mindset is NOT a good mix. Though I don't micro-manage, I do watch for signs of the girl getting in too deep with whatever is happening in her life. If she's not handling something, I'll absolutely step in.

Personally, beyond the kink, I think this is exactly the kind of thing that drives a submissive to seek out a Dominant partner. Someone to choose and make decisions for them, esp when those feelings of being overwhelmed descend upon them.

And it matters with kink, too. Sex is one way of alleviating stress for a small time but sub-space is a whole other matter. It just doesn't happen for a stressed sub and if she's not going there, it then distracts me - and usually a crappy scene is had by all.

So yeah, whatever it takes from a consoling hug to a full-blown formal interrogation, I'll wanna know *everything* that is keeping her mind from what I want of it and her. Even if it's something so big as to be beyond our personal control, the act of taking over for her will usually have a significant remedial effect on her mindset. That she's not alone or even in the primary firing line.

My girl's primary function is to serve my needs. Conversely, I don't want outside shit affecting her service. When it does, then it becomes my problem and I don't like such things festering.

Focus.

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Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 2:07:12 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarineKitten

Unless you're the sadistic type who likes watching your sub flounder.


Oh hell no! Yikes...!

Turns out I happen to be "the sadistic type", but I'm also a male with pride; that it's important to me to also be the one to satisfy all my girl's needs. That means I want her happy and content within the relationship and wanting to satisfy my substantial needs too.

Ain't gonna happen with an emotionally "floundering" sub. Now, some physical discomfort (even if she's actually having a good time in her own submissive way), THAT'S what appeals to this sadistic type.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to MarineKitten)
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 5:34:39 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

I tend to worry and fret and get anxious. Mostly about things I can't control. I tend to feel guilty about things which logically I know are beyond my control. I get restless and sleepless.


That's me. Plus I'm an accelerator: meaning if I have a month shorter than usual, my mind plays it out to we're going to lose everything and be living on the streets.

He has found that the best way is to be calm and rational, and lay everything out showing how everything is okay.


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 5:55:09 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: MarineKitten

How do masters deal with things if the have a stressed out submissive? Say she is taking on too much at once, and feels overwhelmed. How do you help her relax, and try to take the burden off?


Stress and the submissive mindset is NOT a good mix. Though I don't micro-manage, I do watch for signs of the girl getting in too deep with whatever is happening in her life. If she's not handling something, I'll absolutely step in.

Personally, beyond the kink, I think this is exactly the kind of thing that drives a submissive to seek out a Dominant partner. Someone to choose and make decisions for them, esp when those feelings of being overwhelmed descend upon them.

And it matters with kink, too. Sex is one way of alleviating stress for a small time but sub-space is a whole other matter. It just doesn't happen for a stressed sub and if she's not going there, it then distracts me - and usually a crappy scene is had by all.

So yeah, whatever it takes from a consoling hug to a full-blown formal interrogation, I'll wanna know *everything* that is keeping her mind from what I want of it and her. Even if it's something so big as to be beyond our personal control, the act of taking over for her will usually have a significant remedial effect on her mindset. That she's not alone or even in the primary firing line.

My girl's primary function is to serve my needs. Conversely, I don't want outside shit affecting her service. When it does, then it becomes my problem and I don't like such things festering.

Focus.


I have to agree about it being one reason for a sub seeking a Dom. For me, I have a hard time saying no and end up with too much, I am horrible at prioritizing things because I want everyone to be happy with me... For me, one of the most important things I need from a Dom is someone to manage me...

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 8:11:24 PM   
BambiBoi


Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline 		I'm a problem solver. When someone brings me a problem, I want to solve it. It turns out that after years of research I've concluded that most women don't want solutions when they present problems: They want sympathy. Or empathy. Or understanding. Or encouragement. Or nods and affirmative guttural noises like " Hmm..mmm.."

I'm clearly not good at the icky soft emotional bits. But I do know that they can help more than logic suggests. That's the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there's no way you'd know.

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 8:26:11 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		I make communication the first priority. I want to know when she's feeling stressed or off, then articulate it if she can. Once that's established, I'll try to determine if it's anything specific and offer her support. If it's nonspecific I give her attention and love; I do things to make her smile or laugh, to change the mindset. (Some things don't have an immediate fix, but a smile or a laugh can go a long way to offsetting stress.)

She is rarely ever stressed in my presence. Being near me lets her take any stress off. The rest of the time is trickier as we live about 2000 miles apart. Sometimes she'll want to deal with it herself, and if she can, I let her - as long as the solution is a reasonable and safe one, and that's never been a concern.

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 9:20:13 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

Unless you're the sadistic type who likes watching your sub flounder.


It depends on what's making me flounder. If it's something he is doing to me to get into my head or to physically hurt me, then yeah, he enjoys it very much...he's a sadist.

If it's not caused by him, then no he does not enjoy it and he does what he can to help me get out of the situation.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Stress in your slave/sub - 12/29/2012 11:18:26 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BambiBoi

I'm a problem solver. When someone brings me a problem, I want to solve it. It turns out that after years of research I've concluded that most women don't want solutions when they present problems: They want sympathy. Or empathy. Or understanding. Or encouragement. Or nods and affirmative guttural noises like " Hmm..mmm.."


Nice work, looks like the years of reasearch have
paid of!
Women are funny old things...

-Aries

_____________________________

530 DAYS

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