Attaching (Full Version)

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FollowingStars -> Attaching (12/29/2012 6:28:43 PM)

I am new to the forums, but have a serious question for other women (or men) of submissive nature. Is it sometimes hard not to attach to quickly to a dominant personality, even if you know you're not ready yet? I run into this issue, and need to know if it's just me...



autumnember -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 6:36:17 PM)

No its not just you. It is, however, not a submissive thing so much as a personal thing. I am a person that does not attach very quickly but once i do i am much like a barnacle. I am like that with most though... if i have a friend, i am attached to them otherwise they are just acquaintances. I have few friends though and mostly acquaintances.



OsideGirl -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 6:40:06 PM)

Sure. D/s BDSM tends to break through emotional barriers. It also causes tingly genitals which leads to people confusing really liking that person with lusting after that person. (AKA as sub frenzy)

That's why I always recommend dating with no sex or play for awhile before you decide to make a commitment.



poise -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 6:40:22 PM)

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "not ready yet." What exactly is it that you attach
to a man that you have no interest in developing a relationship with?



FollowingStars -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 6:51:11 PM)

Oside, 'sub frenzy' is my new favorite term now.

Poise, I simply mean I'm trying to move forward slowly, as I'm just coming out of a relationship, so I am not ready for another full partnership yet. That's all. The community is new to me, so I want to talk to people, but am not diving into anything serious at this point.



poise -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 6:57:59 PM)

I can definitely understand the desire to move slowly, especially since you are new.
I just always felt that people who aren't ready for relationships usually won't find anything
of substance in another to attach themselves to...you know, they kind of remain aloof.
I think Oside summed it up best, and in her response, I can also understand your question better.
Best of luck!



FollowingStars -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 7:04:47 PM)

I at least feel better now, knowing it's not just me. I'll keep boundaries in place and do my bet :). Thank you, all.



JeffBC -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 7:19:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FollowingStars
I at least feel better now, knowing it's not just me. I'll keep boundaries in place and do my bet :). Thank you, all.

Well, think of it this way. If there's a cliche to cover it then it's not just you :)



BambiBoi -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 7:30:26 PM)

People coming out of relationships can say in one breath that they mean to take it slow, but sigh bemoaning the less of such a deep connection in the next. Just remember that people engaged in BDSM are people first. Mr. Confident, Dominant, and Charming still worries about money, health, and happiness. That doesn't change because we put on a leather cap or furry kitten ears.

Take an inventory of yourself. Can you truly separate play connection from emotional? Whether its just inky sex or inextricably intertwined with love just plan accordingly.



sexyred1 -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 7:32:51 PM)

I don't have any attaching too quickly issues with Dominants.

That is because I can only attach to a person first, whatever they are.

In fact, I find it takes longer to attach now because I know what I am looking for and more importantly, recognize quickly when it is not there.



DarkSteven -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 7:33:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FollowingStars

I want to talk to people, but am not diving into anything serious at this point.


May I infer that some Doms are pushing you when you don't feel you're ready yet? If you're openly communicating that you're not ready, and he ignores that, I'd drop him.



FollowingStars -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 7:45:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: FollowingStars

I want to talk to people, but am not diving into anything serious at this point.


May I infer that some Doms are pushing you when you don't feel you're ready yet? If you're openly communicating that you're not ready, and he ignores that, I'd drop him.


Some have. I've been working on setting/holding personal boundaries (a weakness of mine), and doing better, but more it's just the tendency to attach to perceived strength that I struggle with. I'm relatively new to most of this, and just being honest when I say it's hard sometimes to hold to my own lines in the sand, as there is such a large part of me reaching for that dominant partner that doesn't want to wait.



RemoteUser -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 8:31:19 PM)

Doms can get all happy and fuzzy-fierce over a new toy, too. They make pretty noises and flinch or shiver or squeal or, or, or...

It's like a good meal though. If you're going to devour, enjoy every bite (figuratively and literally).



littlewonder -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 9:23:06 PM)

No, it's never been a problem for me. I have always had the exact opposite problem. I always found it hard to attach to anyone at all.

Imo, if you find this being a problem for you, I would stop meeting people until you figure out why this is a problem for you. Is if because you're lonely? My suggestion is to seek therapy to deal with this issue.




RedMagic1 -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 10:06:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FollowingStars
Oside, 'sub frenzy' is my new favorite term now.

Google it. You'll find a lot of hits, and it might help you to read some of them.



JeffBC -> RE: Attaching (12/29/2012 11:36:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FollowingStars
Some have. I've been working on setting/holding personal boundaries (a weakness of mine), and doing better, but more it's just the tendency to attach to perceived strength that I struggle with. I'm relatively new to most of this, and just being honest when I say it's hard sometimes to hold to my own lines in the sand, as there is such a large part of me reaching for that dominant partner that doesn't want to wait.

You should bookmark THIS thread and read it any time you are tempted to over-submit. If you read her story over on fetlife you can find out the joys of submitting to an asshat.

A lot of folks are big into the "right here, right now" thing. It's super-slavey and super-domly. Personally I'd recommend allowing REAL trust & REAL respect to develop as they do and let the dynamic expand accordingly. In the beginning, when someone asks you "Don't you trust me?" the right answer is "No." Ditto with "respect".



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Attaching (12/30/2012 5:38:39 AM)

I understand what you mean. I too am extremely attracted to dominant personalities (not just Doms ). AS Oside calls it "tingly genitals"
No, you are not alone.



FollowingStars -> RE: Attaching (12/30/2012 7:13:56 AM)

littlewonder, just to clarify, I'm not meeting anyone in person at this time, or even submitting to anyone online. I suppose I used the wrong word when I said attach... I should have said be attracted to or drawn to. I am using good guidelines and all and not rushing into anything, I was just wondering about the emotional response I sometimes wrestle with.

JeffBC, thank you for the link. And what you wrote about trust and respect was perfect.

TieMeInKnottss, your understanding helps a lot. It's way better to not be alone :)



myotherself -> RE: Attaching (12/30/2012 7:22:47 AM)

I find it the other way round - the Doms get attached to me waaaay before I'm ready to commit to them on any real relationship level.

I've actually finished a new relationship because the other guy dropped the 'L bomb' on the third date [:'(]

I made Master wait nearly 4 months before we started to slowly move from the purely vanilla 'dating' towards a more D/s relationship. And to be honest, I'm glad I did because we're now not just Master and slave, but good friends too [:D]



Kana -> RE: Attaching (12/30/2012 7:23:30 AM)

Tragically, this used to happen to me all the time. A few dabs o the old dominant male cologne and women would be swooning at the first look, and good help em if I cocked an eyebrow at em, they'd faint dead on the spot, stop traffic, end up in the ER, it was awful.
No seriously, this happens all the time, to both sexes, all sides of the kneel.
It's the whole wanting to want and wishing to be wished for. Most of us seek that connection, it's a real real tough thing, especially when one first gets on CM, to keep the heart behind the head.



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