D/s and love

D/s and love (Full Version)

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TYPHON13 -> D/s and love (12/30/2012 9:10:12 PM)
Recently someone commented to me that loving your sub was an insult to the dynamic of the D/s relationship. He basically said that if I loved my sub (which I do, and i also care about her, and respect her) it was a disgrace and he would "out" me. I told him that yes, it may muddle things up a bit, but that in my opinion caring about your sub and respecting them as a human being, even loving them can add extra dimensions to the intensity of playtime. What are your opinions? Does loving a sub "insult" what a D/s relationship is "really" about? Or are D/s relationships as diverse as the people engaged in them? Does love destroy the dynamic?

TYPHON13 -> RE: D/s and love (12/30/2012 9:12:58 PM)
also why does my profile say i'm vanilla??? Because im new to the site?

SeekingTrinity -> RE: D/s and love (12/30/2012 9:17:10 PM)
The only person whos opinion matters as far as your dynamic goes is YOU. If loving and caring about your submissive works for you, who the hell cares what this person or anyone else thinks. D/s relationships are very much as diverse as the people who are in them. I personally cannot engage in D/s with someone without a level of caring about them. Now Im not saying that I have strong feelings initially, but I have found that for me personally....the rush and feelings that come with D/s intensify with an increasing level of care I have for the person who submits to me. It says you are vanilla based on the number of posts you have so far here on collarchat.

saundrakitty -> RE: D/s and love (12/30/2012 9:28:12 PM)
I also have the same issue. Its hard for me to submit to a master if there is a lack of caring for each other. Love develops the longer one serves each other and to me it has made it even better for both of us in our interactions with each other. I am also the same way with my submissive- first I get to know them and care about them personally or i will not take them , and I have felt love for them over time. What others say about how you handle things between you should never matter- what matters is is it working for you two - and if it is then it is right. This is a relationship and what works for you may not work for others.

Lilly425 -> RE: D/s and love (12/30/2012 9:51:06 PM)
Personally, I would not submit to someone who did not care about me and who did not want or expect his feelings to grow for me. Over time, if he did not come to love me, I would look for someone else that would.

DarkSteven -> RE: D/s and love (12/30/2012 10:01:53 PM)
1. I cannot have a deep relationship without love and caring. I CAN have a D/s relationship then, but it won't be deep or lasting. 2. IIf my relationship works for myself and my sub, nobody has the right to tell me it's not right. 3. You have my permission to laugh your head off at that moron.

littlewonder -> RE: D/s and love (12/30/2012 10:15:32 PM)
Well let's see..Master and I have been together for 7 years now and I moved here last year to be with him. I'd say we're still crazy in love and it has never once muddled up our M/s. If nothing else, it's made it stronger than it could ever possibly be. Imo, the guy is just trying to get a rise out of you and apparently it worked. Imo, this guy most likely has never had a good relationship in his entire life and only knows what he reads and watches from porn and probably is still stuck in his mom's basement because he can't even get a job because he's socially inept. But hey, that's my opinion about guys like this we hear about and my experience from having met quite a few of them.

NuevaVida -> RE: D/s and love (12/30/2012 10:37:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TYPHON13 Recently someone commented to me that loving your sub was an insult to the dynamic of the D/s relationship. He basically said that if I loved my sub (which I do, and i also care about her, and respect her) it was a disgrace and he would "out" me. I told him that yes, it may muddle things up a bit, but that in my opinion caring about your sub and respecting them as a human being, even loving them can add extra dimensions to the intensity of playtime. What are your opinions? Does loving a sub "insult" what a D/s relationship is "really" about? Or are D/s relationships as diverse as the people engaged in them? Does love destroy the dynamic? It would be an insult to himself for him to deny himself what he feels for me, which is love. It is his love for me which feeds my need to surrender to him. There is no universal way to have a D/s relationship. There is only the way YOU want, which is the right way.

JeffBC -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 12:28:08 AM)
Bluntly, the nature and degree of control that I like to play with would not be possible without such vast quantities of trust, respect, empathy, concern, and a handful of other things that you might as well wrap them up in a bow and call them "love". And not just love of the high school infatuation type... More like the love poets try to capture and fail at. It just couldn't happen. If what you mean by "control" is getting a blowjob on demand then, of course you can just trick some foolish girl into that with no real tools at all other than your whim. But I like to play in the really deep end of the mental control pool. Because we are intimate, carol does not perceive me as "other". Instead I am "self" to her. So when I reach so deeply into her brain it doesn't feel like a mental violation. It's just "another thought" to her. Or... At least... Close to that. Granted, sometimes an unwelcome or scary thought but still not rejected as "mental violation" In the end everyone gets to play their own game by their own rules and that other guy is just plain stupid. Think about it for a second. No..... Really think.... "an insult to the dynamic"??? What the fuck does that even mean? What "dynamic"??? His kiddie pool games that he wants to foist off on me as "true"? Love is not an insult to MY dynamic. Love is both the mainspring and the purpose of my dynamic -- which reliably gets me blowjobs btw. PS: it only muddles things up for weak willed doms who really oughtn't be calling them self "dominant" anyway IMO. If someone doesn't want love, fine. But if they have no self discipline and self control so get muddled up by love then really why is anyone obeying them? All.. Of course... Just my humbly irritated opinion.

TYPHON13 -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 12:36:09 AM)
Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. It's my first D/s relationship, and even though my very well experienced sub, who is a Domme in her own rite, says i'm a natural; I still occasionally question myself. Privately of course. lol I was just slightly taken aback by this statement and wanted to hear what others thought about it. And even though the person who said it has more experience then I immediately dismissed them as someone who I had no interest in learning ANYTHING from. In real life I just looked at him (after his little hissy fit of judging was over) chuckled, shook my head and walked away. Sincerely, T

JeffBC -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 1:17:03 AM)
Well.... I don't i know how much experienc you have but I know the guy who said that has near zero experience... Or else he never learned anything at all from the experience he had. Exhibit a: the idea that there is some universal dynamic at all. -- one true way Exhibit b: I have seen this question countless times. Every single time the vast, vast majority of responders are pro love Exhibit c: he rejects out of hand what is arguably the single most powerful motivator in humans. I could go on.

MasterHardhand -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 1:43:45 AM)
First off, if you have no feelings for a sub or a slave, why have them? It is your duty as a daom or master to trry to help them and protect them as best you can. If you are going to have a relationship that goes as deep as BDSM, there has to be caring and love. This other person has a warped sense of what a dom or a Master is.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 2:22:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TYPHON13 Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. It's my first D/s relationship, and even though my very well experienced sub, who is a Domme in her own rite, says i'm a natural; I still occasionally question myself. Privately of course. lol I was just slightly taken aback by this statement and wanted to hear what others thought about it. And even though the person who said it has more experience then I immediately dismissed them as someone who I had no interest in learning ANYTHING from. In real life I just looked at him (after his little hissy fit of judging was over) chuckled, shook my head and walked away. Sincerely, T This is an attitude that will serve you well. When a person tries to tell me the 'right' way to do things, I question not only their D/s experience, but also their general relationship experience. And you are right that there is nothing this person can teach you, unless you want to learn the art of putting people down to make yourself feel better. (Welcome to the boards, by the way)

ARIES83 -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 3:32:01 AM)
What does a D/s relationship "really" mean to you? [:-]

Epytropos -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 8:21:28 AM)
You should encourage him to throw you into that particular bramble patch. I expect at the bottom of it you'd find many lovely, swooning bunnies similarly tossed...

RumpusParable -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 2:55:30 PM)
I don't think it "insults" or any such to a D/s dynamic. It's great for some, not great for others. Nothing wrong with it at all.

DesFIP -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 3:55:30 PM)
For us the love is the bedrock. If he did not love me and I did not love him, then there would be no way in hell I would trust him with control of my body, my car, my kids, my finances and so on and so on. What this person really meant to say is that they have intimacy issues. They are terrified of being vulnerable and thus wish to control everything outward because they are out of control inside. IMO, people with those issues are not trustworthy with control. About then is when someone is called domineering, as opposed to dominant.

OsideGirl -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 4:05:09 PM)
Honestly, I don't care if someone else thinks we're dishonoring D/s. I'm in an amazingly happy relationship with the love of my life and have been for 13 years. Part two is why do they care about what I do in my relationship?

aldorax -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 4:10:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Honestly, I don't care if someone else thinks we're dishonoring D/s. I'm in an amazingly happy relationship with the love of my life and have been for 13 years. Part two is why do they care about what I do in my relationship? Amen! One of the things I've found in both the world of kink and in some business ventures is that you need to do what works best for you, your personality, interests, and desires. If folks think that's "inappropriate" or "not normal" or "contrary to popular practice" then I might listen to their views (if civilly presented) but I don't feel OBLIGATED to change to meet some desired social mold. And anyone who says "their way" or "their view" is the only valid or acceptable path for me or anyone? Puh-lease....... .... which also explains much about how many of the world's problems begin and can't be resolved easily, but that's a topic for another thread and another time. Le sigh.

Missokyst -> RE: D/s and love (12/31/2012 4:16:30 PM)
Just curious what he meant by outing you? Did you ask? quote: ORIGINAL: TYPHON13 He basically said that if I loved my sub it was a disgrace and he would "out" me.

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