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RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/2/2013 12:48:26 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity
You have your green light without having to go through a divorce, so what's holding you back from finding your way to not be lonely and kink-less?


In addition to the pleasurable sugar-daddy escapade outlined above, I did have a great year-long affair with a lovely lady met on Craigslist, who was in a similar situation as I, married with kids (only she was vanilla also). Her appeal, perhaps due to her eclectic genetics, was that she had to have the most fantastic body I've ever seen on a woman, bar none. Her home situation however, as I later found out, was abusive, so, things changed for her while they remained the same for me. While we were together during her separation and ultimately her divorce, things were fantastic! Absolutely fantastic. To this day, I remember my first caress of her thigh, as I pushed her against the wall and kissed her deeply for the first time (she adroitly moved my hand off her - as I had to follow the dating ritual - but - we being adults - the formality of tagging the bases is blissfully short for we adults, taking only mere weeks in duration to round the home plate).

However, romantic success brings further obstacles to progression: She wanted a seat right up behind the home plate she just gave me.

That's when I learned you can only be at one place for Christmas! I tried juggling schedules, but, really, it's a LOT of work. Sure, half the time it works out fine, but the other half the time, you're driving back home at 5am wondering why you're living two wholly separate lives. It's times like that where you realize that the huge business of women selling their bodies is actually a very practical matter when you compare time and money and energy spent on the pursuit of companionship.

Eventually, she got married also. Just not to me.



As a reality check, another thing you have to consider is those two experiences you're talking about were probably so amazing partly because they were temporary and occasional -- that allowed them to stay in the realm of fantasy without all the messy and sometimes boring stuff that comes with marriage and day-to-day living. And they were also short enough that you didn't really encounter any decrease in passion from your partners. It's easy to have a great time having wild sex for a short time. The sticking point is how much you like being with each other when that begins to peter out a little, as it usually does.

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/2/2013 4:15:17 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Dude, she married you for your money, not love, no companionship, not children....money. After reading this entire thread, that is completely obvious to me. Of course she doesn't want sex with you.

As for your religion, you both have already broken your vows. You're way past that. You have had "affairs" while at business functions and you look at porn online which is a broken vow according to Catholic laws and your wife has broken them by not providing companionship and sex within a marriage. The church will have no problem with the divorce because of these reasons. Technically they would not even consider you married anymore except for that legal piece of paper.

As for the children, they are old enough to get on and won't really have any major problems. Their development is past that stage really. As for the autistic one, it's not really going to play on him/or her anyway probably just due to his/her disorder. You could divorce and pay her alimony and child support and thus she can pay her own bills AND get a job or find another sugar daddy.

She will continue to be somewhat happy as long as you both stay married and you continue to support her and buy her a new home without you. You will continue to be unhappy for the rest of your entire life.

Good luck with that.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to seekingreality)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/2/2013 9:12:00 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Open relationship? She already knows what you want? Have you told her it's obviously a need to you? If she refuses an open relationship then imo, divorce her and let her get on with her life. Why torment the poor lady any further?




Or yourself.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 3:05:03 AM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingreality
those two experiences you're talking about were probably so amazing partly because they were temporary and occasional


Likely this is very true.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Dude, she married you for your money, not love, no companionship, not children....money.
Of course she doesn't want sex with you.

It might even be worse than that, since she really didn't want to get married.
I was the aggressor. She didn't want to get married - but I did - and I wanted kids but only under a marriage.
I got what I so badly wanted. But, not much more.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie
Or yourself.


:)

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 11:00:57 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

As a child of divorce myself, I was actually honestly relieved when the pretending that everything was okay was finally over and the divorce happened. Because no matter how much my parents tried to fake like everything was okay, there was ALWAYS an undercurrent of tension that could be felt. Your kids would be okay. Staying together for them and forsaking each of yourselves in the process isnt going to honestly do anyone any good.

Personally I guess it comes down to a personal choice for you. Because it sounds like your loneliness and lack of kink is interwoven into a marriage that isnt a marriage. I guess you can always stay married, live in the house together, and continue on with the feelings of loneliness that you have. I think you deserve to be happy and have what you want in life too....but what I think and what you think are two different things. It is all ultimately going to come down to what you want more. I wish you luck in figuring out what the right thing for you will be. My best piece of advice is to live your life in a way that when the day comes and you are looking back at your life from your deathbed, you wont see any regrets or missed chances or "I wish I woulda done <fill in the blank>"

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 11:26:05 AM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity
Because it sounds like your loneliness and lack of kink is interwoven into a marriage that isnt a marriage.
... live your life in a way that when the day comes and you are looking back at your life from your deathbed, you wont see any regret...


Good observation ... and great advice.
Thx,

EDIT: Accidentally misquoted, so came back to fix.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 1:20:31 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

She didn't want to get married - but I did - and I wanted kids but only under a marriage.


That right there is grounds for a decree of nullity. If her "consent" was coerced (and it sounds as if it is) then the sacrament didn't take place. Consent must be freely given.

From someone who was going to become a canon lawyer, talk to your diocesan tribunal and a divorce attorney.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 1/3/2013 1:21:31 PM >

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 1:24:48 PM   
BalletBob


Posts: 1645
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline 		I don't plan on doing anything different with my Vanilla wife. I still love her, and will keep doing and wearing things to bed (as she stays up late), and at work.

Still being NAUGHTY (in secret), sub BalletBob

_____________________________

"I get my kicks above the Waistline, Sunshine"

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 3:37:22 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Geez OP - either shit or get off the pot.

You have some great advice. Call the parish office and talk to someone about the validity of your marriage. Talk to a divorce lawyer. Talk to a therapist about why you are so ambivalent.

Your quality of life isn't going to change if you stay married. It may get worse if you divorce. Only you can decide if the risk is worth it for you.

For myself, it took a while, but i am the happiest i have ever been, having known two men who were more than i could ever have hoped or dreamed of.

The point is, you have to risk much to gain much.

(in reply to BalletBob)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 4:08:14 PM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir
If her "consent" was coerced (and it sounds as if it is) then the sacrament didn't take place.


Allow me to correct that if I may.

Certainly she didn't (really) want to get married. And, in all liklihood, she'd never have married me on her own. And, she did jilt me (of sorts) by calling off at the last minute the big multi-coastal wedding I had initially planned ... and, I was persistent ... and adapted to her idea of a much smaller affair ... and subsequently were married and honeymooned in far-off places away from the maddening crowds and enveloped amongst nature, camping for weeks.

I had attributed the lack of consummation to the camping (although we had had fantastic sex during the prior bi-coastal dating period deep in the wilderness miles away from roads or housing developments). Later I realized it was either regret or indecision. But, while clearly I was the aggressor - she acceded to my request willingly. Perhaps I was too persuasive. Alas, 'tis my fault in the end. Not hers.

Had I only known what I know now, we would have simply remained good friends - but - in those early carefree days - when we could have sex with almost anyone after the first few dates, it just wasn't a big concern on the top ten things you want out of a wife. I just kind of, well, I just expected it. I assumed a daily vitamin Z dosage. It's only after being married for years, and, having talked to other married people, that this expectation of daily sexual contact is not on the plate for many others.

The kink part of it, I always knew she didn't have - although I thought (naively) that I could convince her otherwise. I guess I'm not all that good of a Dom ... but now I realize, it's either in her or not. We can't add it. At least I can't.

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/3/2013 10:44:34 PM   
Blankpain


Posts: 127
Joined: 5/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus

I thought (naively) that I could convince her otherwise. I guess I'm not all that good of a Dom ... but now I realize, it's either in her or not.


Maybe you exposed her to kink too fast?

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/4/2013 5:20:12 AM   
marathonmann


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/3/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Open relationship? She already knows what you want? Have you told her it's obviously a need to you? If she refuses an open relationship then imo, divorce her and let her get on with her life. Why torment the poor lady any further?


Hi little wonder,
She's the one who suggested the open relationship, actually on a new year's day, a few years past. We haven't slept in the same bed for years. Not my doing. Was that way for her first marriage also. I thought I could change it - but - there are some things beyond you. Aspergers is one of them (but bear in mind that 'label' has been deprecated as of recent DSM-5 guidelines).

To answer your questions bluntly:
Q: Open relationship?
A: She has no desire for relationships. None whatsoever. But she understands my need for them.

Q: She already knows what you want?
A: Kinky sex. And someone warm and cuddly. Neither of which will ever be she. She never masturbates. No sex toys. No erotic fantasies whatsoever. Says so herself - and - after many years - I believe it. I used to think she hid it somehow - but - nope - it's just not there. Not her fault mind you. The brain is wired as the brain is wired. Not my fault either. It is what it is.

Q: Have you told her it's obviously a need to you?
A: Ummm.. like ten thousand times. Even her friends have pleaded with her to "just do it". She tried, for a few years, sporadically. It was a flop though because you can't make a straight man gay, you can't make a bi woman a tv, and you can't make someone wired for no sexual feelings want it. Freud called it frigidity - but that is a deprecated term which I only bring up so that the magnitude of the issue is apparent.

Q: If she refuses an open relationship then imo, divorce her and let her get on with her life.
A: Ah. Therein lies the rub. Is a marriage ONLY about sex? What about the Catholic vows? What about the kids? Who takes care of her then?

Q: Why torment the poor lady any further?
A: This one I just don't understand. Pray tell ... How am "I" tormenting her? She's perfectly happy to have someone else (were there one at this time) take care of my needs. Never fazed her. Not one bit. We've discussed this as her friends made her bring up the issue to me. She even tried "learning" about sex from books. The good news from that was that she now doesn't think I'm the oddest thing on the planet that I need it nightly - but it didn't change her own feelings about it one bit.



Holy crap...sounds exactly like my ex-wife. I never asked for kink over 19 years, just intimacy but she was very cold to me. What I didn't know was that she was kinky and intimate, just not with me. I'm now free and it's on! My point is that you can both be happy, just not together maybe.

Don't even consider religion as it doesn't apply in this case. You can both be very good parents as my Ex and I are. An open relationship could work in your case I guess but think it's not what you want. Life is too short to not get EXACTLY what you want. Get out and go discover it.

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/4/2013 5:30:28 AM   
marathonmann


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/3/2013
Status: offline 		Now that I had a chance to read the thread, OP isn't married to Vanilla. He's married to the ice queen! My Ex would at least give me sex on a regular basis but she was the same as OP's wife in that she was with me for security only. My Ex told friends 10 years ago that she didn't really love me but I was a good dad and provider. You're being used and you're getting old. Broom the parasite while you still can!

(in reply to marathonmann)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/4/2013 9:12:36 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		As a warning that this may influence my opinion, My father was a mean ass drunk that flew into rages and tried to kill my mom several times. The one time I came down the stairs when I could not stand to hear the fighting anymore and saw my father with the knife and my mom trying to not be killed. That was the time she finally decided she had enough and left. So that said I will tell you I was never so relieved when we packed up our car and we were driving out of town. I thought for years there was something wrong with me because all I heard was divorce was suppose to make me so sad. I was suppose to miss my dad. I did neither. I was grateful that I would never have to see him again. It was not until years later when I told a close friend she told me of course you were grateful, you and your mom were free of the man that hurt you both why would you miss that.

So divorce does not always hurt the kids. If the marriage is bad enough it is a relief to them it is over.

_____________________________

Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken


(in reply to marathonmann)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/4/2013 9:18:54 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		wow...gotta love when people call their exes parasites or bitches or bastards or anything else. Yeah, ok, they screwed you over. Move on.

Op, you have no obligations to her once you are divorced or annulled. You don't owe her anything except child support and that's for the children, not her, unless you decide to keep the children and depending on what a judge orders if it goes that way, unless she already knows you're gonna give her everything anyway so it won't go that way.

Personally in a situation like yours, I would rather go to court.

Just remember, just because you end a relationship for whatever reason, does not mean you need to hold that against all other women for the rest of your life and if you do, expect to never get into another relationship ever again.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Moonlightmaddnes)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/4/2013 9:22:57 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Indeed.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/7/2013 1:02:10 PM   
anaturalsubmiss


Posts: 49
Joined: 12/26/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes
So divorce does not always hurt the kids. If the marriage is bad enough it is a relief to them it is over.


It doesn't seem like the OP is in that kind of relationship. Its unloving perhaps. And nothing fun in bed. But I see no hint of uncontrolled anger. Do you?

(in reply to Moonlightmaddnes)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/7/2013 5:58:44 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Do you think only uncontrolled anger makes a bad marriage? My dad never once hit my mom and the greatest period of relaxation of my childhood were when she left for 2 weeks while contemplating divorce. And when he went away for 6 months for a similar reason. It would have been a relief if they had divorced rather than let us learn what marriage was, sucky.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anaturalsubmiss


quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes
So divorce does not always hurt the kids. If the marriage is bad enough it is a relief to them it is over.


It doesn't seem like the OP is in that kind of relationship. Its unloving perhaps. And nothing fun in bed. But I see no hint of uncontrolled anger. Do you?



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to anaturalsubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or ... - 1/7/2013 7:19:23 PM   
subinsilicon


Posts: 108
Joined: 1/7/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

My dad never once hit my mom and the greatest period of relaxation of my childhood were when she left for 2 weeks while contemplating divorce.



Some marraiges were not meant to be. Your parents obviously were not.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 59
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