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I need some advice please... - 1/2/2013 9:48:24 PM

Knightfall45

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline

Hello,

I am looking for some advice on how to proceed in my relationship with my Master. We have been together for several years at this point, though it has been largely long distance due to both of our military commitments. When we are together it is a 24/7 live-in relationship. Recently he assigned me the task of cleaning his room because I had a day off and he was at work. While I was cleaning I found a box full of polaroid pictures which he had taken of him and other girls in bondage situations. I didn't dig into the box, because I have no intention of trying to find evidence of him cheating, however it disturbed me because the top picture was dated a time when I had been in the ER and trying desperately to reach him to no avail.
It has always been our agreement that we can sleep with other people if necesary, I know he has a very high sex drive and long seperations are hard for him to deal with. I have always stayed loyal because I feel that it would be fundamentally wrong for me to have any kind of sexual or BDSM interactions with other men while I am his. But it was also part of our agreement that he would only engage in BDSM interactions with me. This is why I was so hurt by these pictures.
I confronted him about it after drinking quite a bit and he admitted that he had been having unprotected BDSM interactions and intercourse with about 15 different people on a regular basis. And all the "work meetings" he had been going to were actually hook ups. He said that he has an emotional need to be shown affection constantly and this is why he did what he did. He also cited a recent PTSD diagnosis as something that caused him to seek other partners (worried I would "turn into a zombie" if I took medication). He told me that he had manipulated me and taken advantage of the fact that I loved him and cared for him, and repeatedly stated that he wished he had never started this relationship. But when it was all over and I was in tears, he made me curl beside him just like everything was okay and called me by my slave name.
I feel absolutely paralyzed because I really do love him so much. He has helped me through some of the hardest times in my life and I owe so much of my succeses to his guidance. But when I ask him why he never says that he loves me back he always says "Masters don't say 'I love you'." Am I being played or do I just need to get over my insecurity and accept that when I am not there he still has needs that I can't fill?

Post #: 1

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/2/2013 9:57:49 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

There are a boatload of red flags in this. He manipulated you, lied to you, broke his agreements with you, and has had unprotected sex with many other people, potentially exposing you to disease. This is not a man who cares about you. This is most certainly not a man deserves the title of "Master" to my way of thinking. This is a guy who is using you. He flat out told you he regrets your relationship. You're absolutely getting played. Why on Earth you would want to stay with this asshat is beyond me. Dump him and find a decent master.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 2

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/2/2013 10:28:58 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Knightfall45

Am I being played or do I just need to get over my insecurity and accept that when I am not there he still has needs that I can't fill?

I don't think you've got a grip on this. Your insecurity is what's keeping you from leaving.

K.

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 3

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/2/2013 10:32:34 PM

punisher440

Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline

OP,I know and understand that different people[no matter which side of the kneel] feel differently about a Master loving his slave...some do,some don't.But I totally agree with Sylvere about all those red flags.If you are in an open relationship and both agree to it,no problem.But to me open is not hiding it from your partner ever and flat out lying saying he was working is a total deal breaker in my book.For me,if there is no trust and honor in your relationship,exactly what do you have?

_____________________________

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H-Y7MAASkg&feature=related

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 4

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/2/2013 11:52:22 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

The fact that you've felt the need to post this gives you your answer.

I'm sorry, but from what you say he's a lying, cheating ass.

And as for Masters not saying 'I love you', that's total bollocks. I'm in an M/s relationship and even though Master is not the romantic type, he will say it because it's true.

Your guy is not a Master and, by the sounds of it, he's not much of a man either.

Dump him, grieve and then find someone you deserve.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 5

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 12:22:58 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

There are a boatload of red flags in this. He manipulated you, lied to you, broke his agreements with you, and has had unprotected sex with many other people, potentially exposing you to disease. This is not a man who cares about you. This is most certainly not a man deserves the title of "Master" to my way of thinking. This is a guy who is using you. He flat out told you he regrets your relationship. You're absolutely getting played. Why on Earth you would want to stay with this asshat is beyond me. Dump him and find a decent master.

THIS... but I would skip the find a master part & substitute a good therapist experienced with PTSD. Give yourself time to decompress from every experience you've had that would result in you believing you are in any way unworthy of anything better than an ass-hat.
When you can read your OP & be pissed off...you're half way there.

ETA: I do love my subs & even the ones that ended badly hold affection for. Frankly if you don't enjoy the person & not just the activity...what's the point?

Its sad to me that its so commonplace for those that protect our freedom to dance with the devil, survive & yet feel they are anything but my hero.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 1/3/2013 12:30:01 AM >

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 6

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 12:36:58 AM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

In short, the dude's a scumbag. And certainly not someone I would apply the title of "Master" to--he's careless, disrespectful, and lacks integrity. It might feel like you owe him some loyalty or forgiveness because you love him, but you don't owe him anything for the way he's treated you.

You DO owe it to yourself to find someone who isn't a lowlife, manipulative, lying scumbag with no regard to your well-being. I mean hell, instead of being there with you when you were in the hospital he was off fooling around with another woman. This isn't the kind of man I would give myself to.

And let me tell you, if my Master refused to say "I love you" because he owns me, well...he wouldn't own me.

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 7

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 1:42:29 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

This is simple. He cheated on you because he has no self control and using you and his "ptsd" as excuses why. Dear, he's not worth the time you are spending even thinking about him.

Forget about him and move on.

I love how some use excuses like "I have to have sex. It's necessary to keep me alive."....eeerr...people go years without sex and still very much alive and happy even. And the ptsd is a load of crap. If he couldn't be in a long distance relationship because of his "need", then he should have told you a long, long time ago and let you get on with your life.

I have zero tolerance for cheaters and especially those who try to blame others for it.

ETA: He doesn't say he loves you because well...he doesn't. He only loves himself. And hon, get yourself checked for STDS like ASAP.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 1/3/2013 1:43:54 AM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)

Post #: 8

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 4:20:02 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Many times, advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer.

People who care about you don't lie, don't cheat, don't break promises, don't have unprotected sex and expose you to disease, don't be unavailable when you have an emergency, don't blame their lack of moral fiber on PTSD, don't manipulate you, don't say they wish they were never in a relationship with you then pretend they never said it.

Uh, do I *really* need to go on?

This man is not a Master, he is an abuser, and you are his victim.

You need to get yourself in counseling so you can determine why you even *think* you should put up with this.

BTW: Being a Master doesn't mean you don't say 'I love you' since most do say it and mean it. Not saying is yet another way to keep you off balance and to hurt you.

Oh yeah, what lw said about the STD check. Please do this soon.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 1/3/2013 4:21:09 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 9

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 6:14:11 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

The OP hasn't been back, but if you check out her profile, she's already dumped him.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 10

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 6:35:33 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

There are a boatload of red flags in this. He manipulated you, lied to you, broke his agreements with you, and has had unprotected sex with many other people, potentially exposing you to disease. This is not a man who cares about you. This is most certainly not a man deserves the title of "Master" to my way of thinking. This is a guy who is using you. He flat out told you he regrets your relationship. You're absolutely getting played. Why on Earth you would want to stay with this asshat is beyond me. Dump him and find a decent master.

^^^^ This

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 11

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 6:47:18 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

What everyone else said. I would not stay with a man who lied to me in such a way, and who put me at risk like that. Nor would I be with a man who didn't want a relationship with me.

I'm glad to read that you've dumped him. You're probably in a pretty painful place right now, and I wish you a healthy recovery from all of this.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 9:23:57 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

fast reply

Sorry you had this bad experience. I imagine being separated for military obligations is pretty tough even in the best situations, so this must really feel like a betrayal. Good for you for ending it. If you were local I'd come round with a bottle of wine and some ice cream.

In the long run I think he'll realise what an awesome thing he's lost out on. How many guys would love to have a kinky girlfriend who was ok with an open relationship? He had just that and still was too selfish to stick to your very reasonable restrictions that he keeps the bondage for you.

I'm sure you know this, but please go get an STD test, it sounds like neither your physical nor emotional wellbeing were a priority for him.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 13

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 10:16:34 AM

Knightfall45

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline

Thank you all for the responses. I did end up confronting him again last evening and despite him saying that I need him and I can't do any better, I have decided that he is not someone that I am willing to serve. Unfortunately, even thinking practically about this situation did not make it any easier to break it off. It has been nearly 3 years since he became my dominant and I think it will take me a while to come to terms with the fact that he lied so consistently.

Also just to clarify the PTSD diagnosis is something I am dealing with, not him. PTSD gets such a negative view in the media and such I want to be clear that it did not cause his behavior. He was simply using it as a reason to explain why I was a poor submissive. I was never violent or anything because of it, and the most he was ever exposed to was when I had nightmares, which he dealt with by kicking me out of the room for disturbing his sleep :P

*So just a bit of advice for anybody in the future who might have a submissive with PTSD: with flashbacks and nighthmares you need someone there to bring you back to reality, even a gesture as simple as holding their hand or letting them lay their head on your lap can mean the world to them*

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 14

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 10:26:32 AM

ServosCor

Posts: 267
Joined: 9/3/2012
Status: offline

OP........I'm so glad to hear you had the courage to get out of that relationship. YOU are worth so much more than what this person has to offer you. Take time to heal, empower yourself & learn to love the beautiful you that is definately not a "poor submissive".... you simply had a "poor master".
              I could tell you stories of the "dom" I was with for nearly 8 years. Sounds like your "master's" twin brother. Lies, lies and more lies. And he was damn good at lying, he had everyone fooled. I'm here if you need someone to talk to or want to vent.

               Take care of you! Your next relationship will be so much better for what you have learned in this one.

           ~servos cor~

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 15

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 10:30:57 AM

servantforuse

Posts: 6363
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline

You can do better and you will do better. If you have a 'self confidance issue', that to can be overcome..

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 16

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 10:32:12 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The OP hasn't been back, but if you check out her profile, she's already dumped him.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 17

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 10:38:21 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

Please scroll up to my original response YOU ARE MY HERO!!! You danced with the devil & lived for my freedom. I thank you for it.
There are good programs now available for PTsD support please feel free to PM if you'd like more info.
STD check needs to be today. This guys an ass hat there is no question he could have given you something & won't care

quote:

ORIGINAL: Knightfall45

Thank you all for the responses. I did end up confronting him again last evening and despite him saying that I need him and I can't do any better, I have decided that he is not someone that I am willing to serve. Unfortunately, even thinking practically about this situation did not make it any easier to break it off. It has been nearly 3 years since he became my dominant and I think it will take me a while to come to terms with the fact that he lied so consistently.

Also just to clarify the PTSD diagnosis is something I am dealing with, not him. PTSD gets such a negative view in the media and such I want to be clear that it did not cause his behavior. He was simply using it as a reason to explain why I was a poor submissive. I was never violent or anything because of it, and the most he was ever exposed to was when I had nightmares, which he dealt with by kicking me out of the room for disturbing his sleep :P

*So just a bit of advice for anybody in the future who might have a submissive with PTSD: with flashbacks and nighthmares you need someone there to bring you back to reality, even a gesture as simple as holding their hand or letting them lay their head on your lap can mean the world to them*

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 18

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 10:42:08 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Knightfall45
despite him saying that I need him and I can't do any better

These words alone prove he's not worth your time.

OP - you rock. Seriously. You did good. Any break up is hard, even more so when it's someone you've been with your entire adult life and many times more so when it's someone that has worked to break down your self esteem and confidence (just guessing, based on the little info you've shared that he's been the type to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself).

That said, no matter how right the decision might be, it's still gonna hurt. It's ok to feel what you're feeling. You sound strong and I'm sure you will find the person you deserve to be with once you are ready to move past this.

Also I hope you stick around on the boards, because you sound smart.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Knightfall45)

Post #: 19

RE: I need some advice please... - 1/3/2013 11:17:46 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

Good on ya, OP! I was glad to see that you felt that you deserved better than what you were getting AND you did something about it. The end of a relationship does suck and you just have to go through the process of grieving the loss. If its any consolation, Ive been down the same path you will be going down as far as the ending of an unhealthy relationship goes. And I can honestly say that it does get better with time. He was WRONG beyond WRONG to blame your PTSD for what he did. He's the asshole and he has ZERO right to throw you under the bus as justification for his slimy behavior.

I do also want to say thank you for letting us know what we might be able to do ourselves if we are ever involved with someone with PTSD. I wouldnt ever disqualify someone with PTSD from being in a relationship with me, so its great to know something that I could do if the situation ever came up so that I could be supportive. People get afraid to act sometimes because of a fear of doing something wrong and making it worse for someone that they care about. Im glad I know now something I can do right.

Like the others have said, I hope you stick around too.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 20

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