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RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 6:13:59 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad

@theshytype

It's true, I have my answer I guess I don't want the fear of failure in this relationship. I had a 16 year M/s relationship and this one being my second I am a long term type and yes...thanks for the post....reassurance

I understand fear of failure. But sometimes there is just nothing else you can do but sigh and move on.

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Post #: 21

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 6:33:11 AM

Hurtsobad

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/31/2010
Status: offline

freedomfromwarf1

Thank you for the response. I wouldn't have to leave him and go to this extreme, he is a gentle giant and would even help me move. He isn't going to hurt me in any way and I am not scared of him. We somehow lost the trust due to both of us having baggage from past relationships and all the information was back history. The trust is on both parts. He did put the relationship on hold but this was resolved and we got back on track. Yesterday when this came up about him sitting on the board of the local committee I told him I see this as the demise of the relationship and he was angry stating I had put stipulations on his public involvement. I tried to explain that I would not and was not going to hold him back but it would seem like we should get our foundation stable as a couple before this would happen or I knew myself well enough to know I would be insecure, fearful and then resentful. After he found out more about how it was going to be ran he said he doubted he would participate but WAS GOING TO THE MEETINGS to hear what they had to say. I want everyone to know he has stood by me thru lots of issues and is very good to me, yes both of us made choices that were not right and we have started to try and iron those out. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT THE TRUST still being there.....I have always said once the trust is gone you have bigger issues.

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RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 6:35:50 AM

Hurtsobad

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/31/2010
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@theshytype
sigh/shaking my head.

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Post #: 23

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 9:06:12 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, you have to start separating what you want or wish for from what you actually need in your life to be successful.

End of story.

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Post #: 24

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 10:10:55 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad
As a slave...

I was done right there. As a "slave", you should obey or flee. Your master wants something done. Do it or escape.

Any suggestions? If I lose my career it would be close to 6 figure a year coming in and to me this is not worth it.
Yes. Of your two choices I favor "flee" in this situation greatly. I readily admit I have no idea what you mean by "slave". But whatever it means, you are giving a lot of authority to a guy who is accepting no responsibility. Does that seem wise to you?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 10:15:44 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

FR

Ok first of all if you're smart enough to have a 6 figure salary in the medical field, you have options!
My growing up in the bible belt I understand the closed minds, but I also know those most horrified by things outside the box are usually the biggest freaks themselves. If this is really that big an issue start over in a bigger city. Drama, ex's in the closets, gossip, & outing have already occurred. Partners would find a way to buy you out if you honestly tell them you need to move to a larger city.

Are you so wrapped up in this victim thing that the fact you are LIVING with a known dominant that publically plays in your community has escaped notice? If they know what he is, they know what ex's causing drama pointing fingers at you are...they already know!!! This I can't go to the meetings is additional drama!!

As I read your postings you asked to be released, yet you still live inhis house, complain that he didn't take any time before moving on, "he cheated, he lied, he he he"yet he still has access to all of your accounts???? WTF?

There is this great new company you've probably never heard of...its called U-Haul. They rent trucks, storage & even people to do the lifting for you.
This relationship is dead...the gasping, clinging, victim thing is no different than the other women you write about in distain. This is EXACTLY what you are doing! Horse is dead, can smell the stink from here , & all the rationalizations in the world arengoing to fix it.
You claim to care so much about public perception but have done nothing to protect yourself from the fact YOU LIVE WITH A KNOWN DOM, crazy subs have outed you, stolen from you & are already moving in on fresh meat. All while you wait at home for the next betrayal, the next crazy ex, the next text...seriously if you are so wrapped up in what he's doing when you're the one that called it quits...

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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Post #: 26

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 10:15:55 AM

ccc3333

Posts: 156
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

OP ,

I would be gone..If it's shaky and you don't know without a doubt you would be taken care of ... you should be gone yesterday.

Being outed is bad... especially for a career, if i am you i would protect myself and my livelyhood and break away...

Do it today.

C

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Post #: 27

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 12:27:16 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad
As a slave...

I was done right there. As a "slave", you should obey or flee. Your master wants something done. Do it or escape.

Any suggestions? If I lose my career it would be close to 6 figure a year coming in and to me this is not worth it.
Yes. Of your two choices I favor "flee" in this situation greatly. I readily admit I have no idea what you mean by "slave". But whatever it means, you are giving a lot of authority to a guy who is accepting no responsibility. Does that seem wise to you?

Same here, though I think I have another take on it as well.

I was sitting here thinking, "no slave of Mine would believe that I would be changing who I was from when we met" or who I've always been. That includes the fact that I play casually, am active in the community, and teach when I have the opportunity.
Anybody who would want Me to do otherwise should see from the beginning that we were incompatible.

All this other drama? I don't know why the Owner doesn't have a handle on the situation. There really is a middle ground between never speak to an ex again and let the ex rip off your current submissive's wallet for identity theft.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 28

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 1:28:07 PM

Hurtsobad

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/31/2010
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theRose4U

I absolutely have options. I will always have options. I live in a large city, the community is small.

I know the difference between being a victim and being victimized. My family is very religious, my career centers within a very small field. 30 years of reputation has been built...this MY CONCERN.

The ex troubles started when the community fractured here, gossip slinging and it became a war between groups. YES I know they all know. But, no additional drama being created here because I removed myself from it. I haven't been involved or attended anything since the "drama" began. NOW, the new group has requested him to sit on the board. Yesterday.

I asked to be released this time LAST YEAR. We worked thru this. Still living in his house? I moved in here in August 16th of 2012. The house was broke into on August 27th, 2012. Yes he has access to my accounts why not? HE HE HE HE HE HE...... wasn't all HE..... I played a part in it as well.

I moved in with him because his business is here, he commuted 2 hours every day and if I commute its 1 hour, made more sense to us. I made the choice, the only person I can change is myself and I can't change the fact his ex's actions spilled over into my world, I can accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the ones I can. This aspect of not going to meetings was courage to stand up and change the ones I can. We decided to work this out. We CHOSE to work this out.

I am assuming it makes you feel better to attempt humiliation with your comment regarding the U-Haul or if acting in a way that betrays a feeling of patronizing superiority is your deal well hope you got your fix today.

I believe I DO know how to have a relationship and walking away wasn't an option for me, because I chose NOT TO. I had a 16 year M/s relationship and it TOOK work but we DID it. Relationships are not disposable to some people.

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Post #: 29

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 2:00:37 PM

Hurtsobad

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/31/2010
Status: offline

LadyPact

He, HE can do what ever he wants within this local community. I can't it's too close for comfort. If he teaches in the other sector I will be his bottom. Trust me there a a slew of people who will bottom for him here.

Respectfully, I told him if we did not get our foundation stabilized this would be the demise due to the drama and the community starting over here. We had discussed supporting both groups and being active with both because he is a great asset with his expertise

The ex is in another state and fighting extradition. We will be on our 3rd court date this month.

In a year or two when these groups settle down and find their niche it all may change. The positive things that have come out of all this was his ability to see the ex's actions from another perspective and he made the decision to cut them off. He has a heart the size of Texas and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. As far as community involvement, I LOVE IT! I ENJOYED the HECK out of it while it lasted. As stated in the other sector I feel comfort in knowing I am safe because a few careers have been lost due to being outed. Not that the ones here don't have careers to think of because they do but it's "freshly broken".....it's fractured. It's repairing but with 2 separate domains. I always knew from the beginning the involvement we would have and at the time we started seeing each other we were on safe territory.

Thanks for the responses

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Post #: 30

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 2:03:43 PM

Hurtsobad

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/31/2010
Status: offline

@JeffBc if he ordered me to go then I'd be there and I'd expect nothing less than for him to take care of me financially until I could find another job. I have always been financially independent and the FEAR of losing the income and reputation is not worth the risk. Even as a slave he allows me a voice and options.

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Post #: 31

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 2:13:23 PM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad
....Relationships are not disposable to some people.

Sorry to tell you this... But EVERY relationship is disposable.
If you can't get what you want or need from a relationship, then move on until you find someone that can give you what you want.

All I can read from your posts is that you are clinging onto a dead horse and finding justifications for doing so.
That is a typical victim behaviour/scenario/PoV.

If there were varying views from different people (and we all come from different cultures and walks of life), I would say it might be worth a long shot.
But with everyone on here basically telling you the same thing, I would take a very serious look at yourself and what you are saying.
The fact that you have asked to be released before is a very good indication of problems.
And as I said in my previous post, those trust issues are something that frequently never heal for most people.
The fact that he has helped you before is pretty irrelevant.
You need to see the here and now and very recent events.

But I think you hit the nail on the head with "...because I chose NOT TO".
And THAT is your problem.
As we say over here - "can't see the wood for the trees".
You aren't seeing any sense at all.
Your judgement is clouded with the good memories and that's what you want to cling to.
The reality is somewhat different and you need to see that in the cold light of day with clear eyes and a clear head.

Better 16 years lost than a whole lifetime.

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Post #: 32

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 2:24:17 PM

Hurtsobad

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/31/2010
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freedomwarf1

Maybe so. I am ever changing and evolving as I go along, For this moment, I am gonna inventory myself again and work the steps/tools that have worked for me in the past.

Thanks for the response. Love the little diddy's at the end.

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Post #: 33

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 2:25:17 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad
@JeffBc if he ordered me to go then I'd be there and I'd expect nothing less than for him to take care of me financially until I could find another job.

*blinks* You would expect your master to do something that he was non-committal to? Am I missing something here? Didn't you ask him this question and his answer was, "I don't know" ??

Who you hand authority over to is your own business but unless I'm missing something dramatic here I would not make the same decisions you are.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Post #: 34

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 2:29:59 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am just going to be nice and say.............my opinion is going to be whatever JeffBC types about this one.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 1/8/2013 2:30:21 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 35

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 3:41:57 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad

LadyPact

He, HE can do what ever he wants within this local community. I can't it's too close for comfort. If he teaches in the other sector I will be his bottom. Trust me there a a slew of people who will bottom for him here.

Respectfully, I told him if we did not get our foundation stabilized this would be the demise due to the drama and the community starting over here. We had discussed supporting both groups and being active with both because he is a great asset with his expertise

The ex is in another state and fighting extradition. We will be on our 3rd court date this month.

In a year or two when these groups settle down and find their niche it all may change. The positive things that have come out of all this was his ability to see the ex's actions from another perspective and he made the decision to cut them off. He has a heart the size of Texas and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. As far as community involvement, I LOVE IT! I ENJOYED the HECK out of it while it lasted. As stated in the other sector I feel comfort in knowing I am safe because a few careers have been lost due to being outed. Not that the ones here don't have careers to think of because they do but it's "freshly broken".....it's fractured. It's repairing but with 2 separate domains. I always knew from the beginning the involvement we would have and at the time we started seeing each other we were on safe territory.

Thanks for the responses

You don't see the highlighted above as emotional blackmail? It literally says that he can do what he wants, but if he does you're not secure enough because you have trust issues and it will lead to the demise of the relationship. It comes across as an ultimatum. Choose either you or the lifestyle community where he's willing to be on the board.

The ex who outed you is in another state. Exactly what does the community splitting off into two groups matter? Have those people done something to you that you have reason to believe they would out you as well? There's literally no reason for the people at the local munch to know where you work or where your family live.

I'm not saying you *have* to participate in your local community if you feel it risks your job. What I *am* saying is that if you pulled the either/or bit on Me, I'd tell you to take a hike. There is no way on this planet that any "slave" who is supposedly in service to Me, is going to tell Me that I can't do exactly the same events, activities, and socialization that I was doing when we met. The power to change Me or My involvement in My kink community is not one that My slave has and not a request that I'm willing to grant. I would end the dynamic first.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 10:54:33 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad
@JeffBc if he ordered me to go then I'd be there and I'd expect nothing less than for him to take care of me financially until I could find another job.

*blinks* You would expect your master to do something that he was non-committal to? Am I missing something here? Didn't you ask him this question and his answer was, "I don't know" ??

Who you hand authority over to is your own business but unless I'm missing something dramatic here I would not make the same decisions you are.

This screamed at me from the page too.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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Post #: 37

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/8/2013 11:52:45 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Sounds to me that you're just scared to be alone. there's therapy for that.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 38

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/9/2013 12:55:26 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad

theRose4U

I absolutely have options. I will always have options. I live in a large city, the community is small.

I know the difference between being a victim and being victimized. My family is very religious, my career centers within a very small field. 30 years of reputation has been built...this MY CONCERN.

The ex troubles started when the community fractured here, gossip slinging and it became a war between groups. YES I know they all know. But, no additional drama being created here because I removed myself from it. I haven't been involved or attended anything since the "drama" began. NOW, the new group has requested him to sit on the board. Yesterday.

I asked to be released this time LAST YEAR. We worked thru this. Still living in his house? I moved in here in August 16th of 2012. The house was broke into on August 27th, 2012. Yes he has access to my accounts why not? HE HE HE HE HE HE...... wasn't all HE..... I played a part in it as well.

I moved in with him because his business is here, he commuted 2 hours every day and if I commute its 1 hour, made more sense to us. I made the choice, the only person I can change is myself and I can't change the fact his ex's actions spilled over into my world, I can accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the ones I can. This aspect of not going to meetings was courage to stand up and change the ones I can. We decided to work this out. We CHOSE to work this out.

I am assuming it makes you feel better to attempt humiliation with your comment regarding the U-Haul or if acting in a way that betrays a feeling of patronizing superiority is your deal well hope you got your fix today.

I believe I DO know how to have a relationship and walking away wasn't an option for me, because I chose NOT TO. I had a 16 year M/s relationship and it TOOK work but we DID it. Relationships are not disposable to some people.

"You do know how to have a relationship" which is why we were approached for advice, "master" was bad mouthed so slave can come to his defense & rationalize why the problem brought to everyones attention is actually healthy...umm yeah gotcha.
Oh soo sorry but I'm already full up on bullshit here

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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Post #: 39

RE: Fear of being outed - 1/9/2013 4:02:27 PM

areuhim

Posts: 119
Joined: 7/8/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

It sounds to me like you already have your answer, just want reassurance?

If it were me, I'd go my own way. I wouldn't trade my life and career for something I wasn't comfortable with and with someone I didn't trust. I would need reassurance and commitment, and neither of those have any validity without trust.

^^^^This absolutely^^^^

_____________________________

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”
― Dr. Seuss

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Post #: 40