Fear of being outed (Full Version)

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Hurtsobad -> Fear of being outed (1/7/2013 9:11:07 PM)

As a slave in a very conservative field in the Bible belt I have 30 years to lose if I am outed in the community.

I have expressed my fears and how this would end my current job and in a very small field this information would end every thing I have worked for.

He hears what I am saying but has stated he will never pull out from teaching and I get this. He is phenomenal at his expertise and I love being his bottoms for classes outside the local area.....fast forward to the issue at hand. The Community split and now have 2 different venues and he has been asked to sit on the board of directors with one particular group and he is considering the position.

My problem, we already are on a shaky foundation relationship wise and we have identified the issue on both our parts and it is trust. We do not trust each other, we have pin pointed it when it happened for both of us. We are working on this. Now, throw in the new position and knowing myself and what the break down of the trust was will be a really bitter pill to swallow. I would be home while he is attending all the meetings and events and hence the resentments commence.

I am faced with making a choice of my career or saying to heck with it and going along. I asked him today if I was outed and lost my career would he be willing to take care of me financially? Response.... I don't know.

Any suggestions? If I lose my career it would be close to 6 figure a year coming in and to me this is not worth it.

What would you do or how would you handle it?




DarkSteven -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/7/2013 9:19:43 PM)

I can't understand. Here's what I could glean:

1. Your relationship is rocky due to trust issues.
2. Somehow you think that some activities could out you. It might be serving as a demo bottom, or it could somehow relate to his position on a board.
3. He attends meetings, you stay home, and you resent that.
4. You asked if he would support you if you lost your job, and he essentially said no.

First, you need to review everything and separate your issues. They're all jumbled together.

Second, if you have a six figure job, keep it.

Third, if you demo bottom for him, wear a mask.

That's all I could figure.



theshytype -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/7/2013 9:25:55 PM)

It sounds to me like you already have your answer, just want reassurance?

If it were me, I'd go my own way. I wouldn't trade my life and career for something I wasn't comfortable with and with someone I didn't trust. I would need reassurance and commitment, and neither of those have any validity without trust.



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/7/2013 9:31:23 PM)

I can't understand. Here's what I could glean:

1. Your relationship is rocky due to trust issues.

~~yes, we don't trust each other. Some are directly related to things we are attempting to work thru but just started getting down to the nitty gritty a few days ago so nothing resolved


2. Somehow you think that some activities could out you. It might be serving as a demo bottom, or it could somehow relate to his position on a board.

~~Exactly.


3. He attends meetings, you stay home, and you resent that.

~~trusting him to abide by our negotiated terms he would be in a position to act upon things being presented to him at these events and those were deal breakers


4. You asked if he would support you if you lost your job, and he essentially said no.

~~Basically ... yes

First, you need to review everything and separate your issues. They're all jumbled together.

~~I have maybe I am not explaining it well here but all boils down to being outed and losing my career

Second, if you have a six figure job, keep it.

~~I intend to preserve my reputation with my career and working with a small medical group who own a hospital this would go away if found out. So this one I know...I can't afford to take this chance

Third, if you demo bottom for him, wear a mask.

~~the people already know me....it's the old ex's that have already outed me to my family and continue to bring chaos to our lives....even his last ex breaking into our home and stealing my identity, check. and personal items...

That's all I could figure

somehow I deleted the last of your comments

However most gracious for responding



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/7/2013 9:34:44 PM)

@theshytype

It's true, I have my answer I guess I don't want the fear of failure in this relationship. I had a 16 year M/s relationship and this one being my second I am a long term type and yes...thanks for the post....reassurance



DarkSteven -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/7/2013 10:09:32 PM)

Okay, more info. It appears you're living together, and he has psycho exes. Evidently, the fear of outing is related to those exes.

If you're living together and don't trust each other, there are problems. Also, I'm not sure how his actions could affect the possibility of his exes outing you.

1. Go to the cops regarding the ID theft.
2. Can you continue to live with someone you don't trust?
3. I'm trying to see actions which he or you could do to minimize being outed. No luck so far. I get the feeling you hold him responsible for introducing crazy exes into your life.
4. I have a hard time accepting that he has more than one crazy ex. Why does he attract them?
5. You say that at the board meetings, he would be able to play with other women, and you don't trust him not to do that? Why not? You can't be with him 24/7, and you're going to have to trust him when you're not there.

Edited to add: If you don't trust him to keep his hands off other women, either he's broken your trust before, or someone else has.



seekingreality -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 12:11:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad

As a slave in a very conservative field in the Bible belt I have 30 years to lose if I am outed in the community.

I have expressed my fears and how this would end my current job and in a very small field this information would end every thing I have worked for.

He hears what I am saying but has stated he will never pull out from teaching and I get this. He is phenomenal at his expertise and I love being his bottoms for classes outside the local area.....fast forward to the issue at hand. The Community split and now have 2 different venues and he has been asked to sit on the board of directors with one particular group and he is considering the position.

My problem, we already are on a shaky foundation relationship wise and we have identified the issue on both our parts and it is trust. We do not trust each other, we have pin pointed it when it happened for both of us. We are working on this. Now, throw in the new position and knowing myself and what the break down of the trust was will be a really bitter pill to swallow. I would be home while he is attending all the meetings and events and hence the resentments commence.

I am faced with making a choice of my career or saying to heck with it and going along. I asked him today if I was outed and lost my career would he be willing to take care of me financially? Response.... I don't know.

Any suggestions? If I lose my career it would be close to 6 figure a year coming in and to me this is not worth it.

What would you do or how would you handle it?




My two cents worth:

1. Public is public. If you do demos outside the local area, you have to accept you are putting yourself at some degree of risk of being outed.
2. In my opinion, it would be foolish to do anything to jeopardize your career.
3. Your relationship obviously has major issues. If he takes this position, you'll resent him. If he refuses it to appease you, he'll resent you.



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 1:20:53 AM)

Okay, more info. It appears you're living together, and he has psycho exes. Evidently, the fear of outing is related to those exes.

If you're living together and don't trust each other, there are problems. Also, I'm not sure how his actions could affect the possibility of his exes outing you.

~~YES we have been together 2 years but I just moved in with him in August of this year, he lived with me for over 1 1/2 years. He continued to be friends with the one ex because she was addicted to meth and he is a recovering alcoholic and thought he might be able to help her

1. Go to the cops regarding the ID theft.

~~There was a police report made, she was arrested and put in jail but was mentally unstable and transferred to a mental health unit where she was let out and she went to another state, arrested there and is fighting extradition

2. Can you continue to live with someone you don't trust?
~~Its hard


3. I'm trying to see actions which he or you could do to minimize being outed. No luck so far. I get the feeling you hold him responsible for introducing crazy exes into your life.

~~to some degree I am
4. I have a hard time accepting that he has more than one crazy ex. Why does he attract them?

~~co-dependent & thought "I can fix them"


5. You say that at the board meetings, he would be able to play with other women, and you don't trust him not to do that? Why not? You can't be with him 24/7, and you're going to have to trust him when you're not there.

~~this is where there is more to the story....I was going thru some pretty major life changes and he felt as if he would put our relationship on hold. He didn't communicate this with me so although I was loaded down with family issues I continued to bust my ass to fill a slave role & only to find out 3 months later.....we did not have a relationship. I asked to get out, within 30 minutes he was online talking with a friend & she asked him if she needed to find him a "good girl" & he said yes. Our negotiated terms before the relationship started was if he was going to play with another he insisted I be there for all the negotiations (not my request) HIS INSISTENCE, within 4 months of the relationship he started negotiating play with a female, they exchanged phone numbers and started texting. I found out from a mutual friend he had contacted her and started all this on his own. He does not deny this happened. 2 other times he has negotiated play without me and I would find out the day before and the day of....@ this point I asked if I could play with someone and he said NO. He wasn't playing with me and hadn't for over 4 months.

Edited to add: If you don't trust him to keep his hands off other women, either he's broken your trust before, or someone else has


~~He has broken my trust



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 1:27:24 AM)

@seekingreality

My two cents worth:

1. Public is public. If you do demos outside the local area, you have to accept you are putting yourself at some degree of risk of being outed.


~~I was his bottom to classes locally until all the crazy ex involvement and being outed to my family. Out of town, from one side of the state to the other I bottomed for him and YES I did put myself at risk doing so but it is a very private sector and the trust of those people I had already earned before EVER starting to be involved with him.
2. In my opinion, it would be foolish to do anything to jeopardize your career.

~~I agree
3. Your relationship obviously has major issues. If he takes this position, you'll resent him. If he refuses it to appease you, he'll resent you.

~~My point exactly!



littlewonder -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 2:21:51 AM)

I'm sorry but from all you have presented, your relationship was over a long time ago.

Personally for me, I would have been outta there as soon as I found out he has a psycho ex gf who breaks into his house and steals your identity. It tells me things are not over between them and he allows for this kind of shit to happen. I personally don't have time for a man like that or dealing with his past that he can't seem to get under control in his present life.

Plus, how many times has he cheated on you now? From what I see, at least two or three times. He doesn't seem to care one tiny bit. You really wanna feel like that every single time he goes to sit at his computer and leaves the house?

Good luck in whatever decision you make.



DarkSteven -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 2:26:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Hurtsobad

~~this is where there is more to the story....I was going thru some pretty major life changes and he felt as if he would put our relationship on hold. He didn't communicate this with me so although I was loaded down with family issues I continued to bust my ass to fill a slave role & only to find out 3 months later.....we did not have a relationship. I asked to get out, within 30 minutes he was online talking with a friend & she asked him if she needed to find him a "good girl" & he said yes. Our negotiated terms before the relationship started was if he was going to play with another he insisted I be there for all the negotiations (not my request) HIS INSISTENCE, within 4 months of the relationship he started negotiating play with a female, they exchanged phone numbers and started texting. I found out from a mutual friend he had contacted her and started all this on his own. He does not deny this happened. 2 other times he has negotiated play without me and I would find out the day before and the day of....@ this point I asked if I could play with someone and he said NO. He wasn't playing with me and hadn't for over 4 months.

Edited to add: If you don't trust him to keep his hands off other women, either he's broken your trust before, or someone else has

~~He has broken my trust


I'm still not sure why you didn't come say this right away. He's playing with others and he's not playing with you. For good measure, he refuses to let you play with others. It's over. If you want to try a kink-friendly therapist, go ahead, but I doubt it'll help.

That said, there's a lot here that makes me uneasy.

1. Your style of communicating. I'm an engineer, and I like things neatly demonstrated, separated by bullet points. It could be that you simply have a very disorganized communication style. But not mentioning that he's cheating while denying you play - that's a major omission. That's at least as big as the "outing" point you initially raised. And mentioning that you feared being outed but not mentioning HOW that would happen, through his exes, is just weird.
2. He's very well known in the community, and yet is cheating and hiding. And not communicating that he was putting the relationship on hold.
3. The way things have been described, I'm not sure how you even feel. You want to hover over him 24/7 to ensure he doesn't stray while he already is straying - why? You seem to take some kind of pride in being a real live slave even though you don't feel you have a claim on him but you desperately want to.

I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but it's over. Move out.




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 2:30:59 AM)

I'm sorry but it sounds like this relationship is already over. You don't trust him, he isn't meeting your needs, you're not playing together, he has changed the rules of your relationship without consulting you, he is incapable or unwilling to remove people from his life that are putting you at risk, and you are resentful. Aside from sharing a home, what does this relationship give you? What is the benefit to staying? You sound very unhappy. If it isn't meeting your emotional needs and improving your life in some way, it's not a relationship worth saving. The fact that he is investing his time in other people and commitments to the point that you are left behind shows that he has moved on.

The fear of being outed is a different issue - it's really too late to do much about this. People already know you in the community. Vengeful exes already know who you are. Those people could out you to your employer, and there's nothing you can do to make them somehow magically forget your face. It's probably not as big a worry as you think though (or you wouldn't have been a demo bottom in the first place, right?) because the vast majority of people aren't spiteful enough to interfere with your career, won't know your employer, or have just as much to lose by outing you because they would effectively be outing themselves at the same time. By all means put an end to public play, reclaim any photos this guy might have, and practice saying 'you must be mistaken, I don't know anything about KinkyFunClub, what's that?'



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 2:31:30 AM)

littlewonder,

Thank You. The ex who broke in was living in another state and returned for the funeral of her father. Yes, he could have taken measures to see this did not happen. He didn't. He stayed in contact with all his ex subs & slaves. Some of those I encouraged him to sever "softly" & for some reason he was hesitate to do so. One he stays in connection with as recent as 3 weeks ago told him don't you wish we were still together you wouldn't deal with that stuff, same time she was saying this to him she was texting me to get away from him.

I'm running out of time myself!

Thank You for your response



kiwisub12 -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 4:17:16 AM)

I'm sorry, but it seems that you have run out of time already. He took a break from the D/s and you didn't notice? There is something wrong with that statement.

I'm not much for advising people to leave, but you are with a serial cheater who won't allow you to scratch your own itch since he is disinclined to scratch it for you. Why exactly are you still there?



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 4:37:33 AM)

kiwisub12

I can't seem to figure how how to respond on my laptop. I can't advance to a second page.

I did know something was wrong but I had some serious issues going on at the time with my grandchildren. Downsizing of a company loss of my job, issues with my son and addiction problems....lots of things going on so yes I noticed and tried to talk to him about the issues at hand. He instructed me to write down my feelings and we would discuss them. I did and we began to talk, still on the first issue when he stopped the discussion. The notes were on the bedside table for months and he never read them but we did discuss the issues with no resolution.

We continue to try and salvage it this why I am still here. Thank you for your response



searching4mysir -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 5:28:43 AM)

quote:

We continue to try and salvage it this why I am still here.


Actually, it sounds as if you are the only one trying.

Did you move in or did he?



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 5:31:59 AM)

AthenaSurrenders


Our relationship is 2 years old, in the original post I stated we identified trust was an issue and we were working on this. The other information I offered was explanation to others posts. It's past history and we are dealing with some of this now and some we have resolved, he acknowledged changing the rules of the relationship could have been handled a different way and we learned some important lessons. He removed the ex's, the last one was last week after many many discussions regarding conversations between us and things just not adding up....as I posted above......she would talk to him and say "don't you wish we were still together and you wouldn't be dealing with all this" and telling me leave him. The first time she said this he dealt with it and said there is a reason we are not still together after this he did not address it again. In his defense, he feels like if he has already addressed an issue he doesn't need to again.

OH WOW, what does this relationship give me? The great points, our common interests outside of the M/s and we have loads of fun doing those things together. We are friends, I love him and we have problems but have been working on them. I am unhappy but not all of this is pertaining to the relationship. Taking my own inventory is a daily task and I make mistakes and willing to admit those and make amends when I can. Resentful, to a degree yes but he knows about this and we have been working on it. We have started to try and put the "play" back into the relationship but things like this pop up and the vicious cycle starts over.

I thought and worried about being outed from the get go. I was in a relationship for 16 years and neither one of us could afford to risk our professional careers by participating in the community events. When this relationship dissolved I would attend events outside the local area but never played in public until him. I trusted the community I was in and knew the people in this group had as much to lose by being outed as myself. Not so in this community.

If he has moved on, I am the most naive person on this planet.

Hope I got all that covered....I really appreciate your response. I have that line memorized.....What in the world are you talking about?

Thank You sincerely




Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 5:39:23 AM)

searching4mysir

He is trying, honestly. He lived with me 1-1/2 years plus then I moved in with him because his business is at his house and he was commuting to my house 2 hours a day it made more sense to move here. The relationship did change once I moved in with him. I have discussed this with him.

Thanks for the time to respond



Hurtsobad -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 5:46:08 AM)

DarkSteven

I sent you a private message because I didn't know how to advance to a second page....when my Owner got up he helped me, for some reason I was on as a guest.

I would copy and paste my response on this forum post but I shared more with you about my personal/professional life than I intended on here.


HOWEVER, I am not doing this on the sly and my O has access to my account and so he can read anything I have written or posted at anytime.

Thanks for your input you brought up some very good points. Matter of fact, all of you have and some I hadn't even considered or thought of so Thanks to you all.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Fear of being outed (1/8/2013 6:08:52 AM)

I'm siding with the majority who responded on here.

Essentially, it's over, and has been for quite a while from what I have read.

It appears to me that you are suffering from the same guilt/afflictions as that of a battered wife that won't leave her sadistic husband.
If everything was very recent, I could understand you trying to salvage the relationship.
But, it has been a while now and it's pretty obvious to me that he has changed the dynamic and moved on - without you.
The trust issues are a glaring red flag to me and they should be for you too.
And that would be an absolute deal-breaker for most people.

I don't see anything worth trying to salvage at this point.
I would seriously take the advice given here - Athena had some good points.

Time to gather up the loose ends, pack your bags, and exit stage left PDQ.
That might take a while to make sure you don't leave any 'incriminating evidence' behind.
Take advantage of when he is not there. Do things discreetly until you are ready to ship out.
Make sure you are set up for when you go (house, transport, redirected mail etc).
Then I would leave a polite note and just go when he's out.
Don't leave any forwarding address or contact either.
Change the sim card in your phone if necessary and only give it to trusted friends.
This man is running his own show without you being a part of it.

Edit to add: Change your password to CM so he no longer has access to it - and any other site you belong to.
I know you are working on things but to be honest, it's gone way past that point.
You will still be dealing with trust issues after the event - they are really really hard to forgive, even if you 'fix' everything else.



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