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Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually excl... - 1/9/2013 2:36:49 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Clearly this was inspired by Athena's thread.

I'm asking this, because I think that there is quite a difference between a Dom and a Bully.

I think that Dom's do their shit from a place of strength, and bullies do it from a place of weakness.

But, I'm very conscious that I'm running the risk of falling into "one true way-ism" here... so, please feel free to provide me with some vigorous "therapy"

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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 3:13:34 AM   
TAFKAA


Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline 		Questions like this confuse ethics with capability.

You can be dominant and still be a vile human being.

(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 3:21:42 AM   
thursdays


Posts: 143
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		<oops!>

< Message edited by thursdays -- 1/9/2013 3:22:46 AM >

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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 3:24:57 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry... I was actually trying to distinguish the two.

The Dom and the Bully may seem to achieve the same result (Capability)

But they do so from different ethical positions.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 4:12:55 AM   
littlegriffin


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/17/2012
Status: offline 		I personally think there is a huge difference between a Dom and a Bully. While a Dom may be assertive and demand things to be a certain way, in the end they should have their sub/slave's best interest at heart. To have a good play toy one must take care of it, if this is not happening then the person is a bully. They are only in it for what they can get out of it and to make themselves somehow feel bigger and better. A Dom does not need this in order to feel strong and powerful, they already know that they are and need not be abusive to get it.

(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 4:40:40 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		A dominant can be many things including a bully. I know a dominant woman who literally screams abuse at her submissive partner in public. The guy clearly gets off on it. For him she's the best dom since sliced bread. She's not really abusing him, she is entertaining him and herself. There are many role-play situations where the dominant bullies the submissive.

Leadership is a different kettle of fish and I think one can be a good leader and a poor dominant or a good dominant but a poor leader. I personally see domination as an act that involves kink or its an act to get those involved off. Domination when combined with leadership can be an amazing thing but I think we seldom see it.
I see leaders as guides, protectors. They are people who can influence another person in a positive direction. They are people with good ethics a strong character and have the ability to remain consistent.

< Message edited by MariaB -- 1/9/2013 4:42:26 AM >

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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 5:12:46 AM   
loyalandnasty


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/21/2012
Status: offline 		New to the forums, but I'll stick my neck out here: Bully means, to me, domination by fear. Think of the school yard bullies you have known. A dom, at least in the free world, is someone who has a natural leadership and agression that puts them in a special place in relationships. A dom in a vanilla relationship would want to call the shots (at least in regards to sex), but, would be tolerable in said relationship, assuming he/she has some self control. A bully would be abusive, maybe not even realizing it, and the relationship would (or should) not last long.


(in reply to MariaB)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 5:36:29 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
I know a dominant woman who literally screams abuse at her submissive partner in public. The guy clearly gets off on it. For him she's the best dom since sliced bread. She's not really abusing him, she is entertaining him and herself. There are many role-play situations where the dominant bullies the submissive.


I wonder if that's really "Bullying" though? Sure, I've done scenes with sub partners that would probably look very like bullying from the outside... but there was a mutual consent thing going on in the background?

quote:

ORIGINAL: loyalandnasty

New to the forums, but I'll stick my neck out here: Bully means, to me, domination by fear. Think of the school yard bullies you have known. A dom, at least in the free world, is someone who has a natural leadership and agression that puts them in a special place in relationships.


Yeah... that's pretty much where I am

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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to MariaB)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 6:23:17 AM   
Exidor


Posts: 135
Joined: 12/31/2011
Status: offline
quote:

Bully means, to me, domination by fear.


Sounds like a good definition to me.

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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 7:56:43 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		What Maria said!

Many people seem to confuse dominant with bully, or with leader. Many people that are dominant haven't the ability to control and lead themselves, let alone anyone else.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 8:14:48 AM   
Chesterfield91


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/11/2011
Status: offline 		The difference between a good Dom and a bully I guess is the ability to respect limits and as mentioned to take care of his/her sub. A bully sees the relationship as one-sided whereas a Dom sees it as an equal one, where both persons' needs are being met.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 8:19:51 AM   
EsotericLady


Posts: 713
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline 		I just have to comment on what I think is an excellant post... and well thought out definition of the two titles!
Nicely explained, littlegriffen! :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlegriffin

I personally think there is a huge difference between a Dom and a Bully. While a Dom may be assertive and demand things to be a certain way, in the end they should have their sub/slave's best interest at heart. To have a good play toy one must take care of it, if this is not happening then the person is a bully. They are only in it for what they can get out of it and to make themselves somehow feel bigger and better. A Dom does not need this in order to feel strong and powerful, they already know that they are and need not be abusive to get it.


(in reply to littlegriffin)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 8:32:57 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml


I think that Dom's do their shit from a place of strength, and bullies do it from a place of weakness.


This, exactly.


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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 8:38:28 AM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		I guess what the OP is trying to get at is the idea of a Bully being an unsuccessful Dom ???

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 8:40:07 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I used to very much be an emotional bully to my partners and it truly came from a place of weakness and fear.

For, my journey towards mastery has been very much about learning to let go of the controlling, domineering,side of myself. Learning to choose better partners and then trust those partners has required a lot of work but the joy that path, has brought me has been well worth facing my demons.

I fact, some of my strongest kinks that were tied to some of those things seem to be weakening. I say seem because I have been single for a while as I do some growing and I don't know how that will manifest with a partner. Not going vanilla or anything just what is really important to me seems to be morphing a bit.

(in reply to EsotericLady)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 8:44:27 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
I know a dominant woman who literally screams abuse at her submissive partner in public. The guy clearly gets off on it. For him she's the best dom since sliced bread. She's not really abusing him, she is entertaining him and herself. There are many role-play situations where the dominant bullies the submissive.


I wonder if that's really "Bullying" though? Sure, I've done scenes with sub partners that would probably look very like bullying from the outside... but there was a mutual consent thing going on in the background?



How do we define bullying? Bullying is what ever the person who is being bullied says it is. That doesn't necessarily make it bullying in our eyes. Its all perception.

(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 8:53:45 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah, I like your take

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Chesterfield91)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 12:09:51 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		FR

Petting this in simpler terms: I have a 200 pound very muscular/powerful dog. I can "force" him to lay down, get in the truck, take a pill...this takes a great deal of energy, strength & being faster than he is to avoid being bitten
OR
I can train him that lay down means a soft bed where I will leave him alone, that get in the car fast means getting to the park quicker, taking the pill without force or drama means at least one cookie.

Which sounds simpler for the handler? Both accomplish the same goal...what I want him to do. One takes time, effort, physical strain & risk of getting bitten other is look do what I say because it makes this simpler for both of us & benefits you in the end.

Domination verses bullying isn't much different. Obedience happens easy way or hard way...just human thumbs allow leaving because of bulling much quicker!

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 12:17:05 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

Clearly this was inspired by Athena's thread.

I'm asking this, because I think that there is quite a difference between a Dom and a Bully.

I think that Dom's do their shit from a place of strength, and bullies do it from a place of weakness.

But, I'm very conscious that I'm running the risk of falling into "one true way-ism" here... so, please feel free to provide me with some vigorous "therapy"


Nope, as with the other thread a single person can be both. One does not exclude the other.

Two different traits that can occur in a person at the same time.

Then add in that both "dominant" and "bullying" are subjective to the people involved or viewing the situation. What one person finds dominant, another won't. What one person finds to be bullying, another won't.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 1/9/2013 12:19:48 PM >

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Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

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RE: Are "Dom" and "Bully" mutually ... - 1/9/2013 12:35:20 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		Well, I will say this. Speaking only within the BDSM world, there are many people who apply the label "Dominant" to themselves when they are, in fact, "bullies" as we would understand that term in American society. And I'm not even that convinced that someone who is a "bully" could not necessarily make a good "Dominant" as the term is understood in BDSM. There is what I want in a Dominant for me in my life (that is based on my personal experiences not just in BDSM, but in life in general). Whether that definition would meet someone else's definition of "Dominant" or "bully" will likely depend on their own subjective perspective of the two terms.

Separately, I'm not sure a vanilla person who is also not approving of BDSM would find any distinction between a "Dominant" and a "bully".

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~ ftp

(in reply to crazyml)
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