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When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/9/2013 9:28:52 AM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		Is it normal to fantasize about things you would never like in real life? If so why? The overly easy answer to this question is “because it’s fantasy”, but to me fantasy normally has to be based somewhat on real desires.

With pain however reality and fantasy are miles apart. Some of my pain fantasy goes way beyond anything I could ever tolerate in real life. I have read some descriptions of women horribly hurting males and I know for a fact if someone was ever hurting me that bad in real life I would stop them using any means possible, and if I was restrained and defenceless I would be screeching and begging them to stop, yet at the same time, when reading these descriptions I imagined that I was the one having these things done to me and I found it very exciting.

1: Is this normal?

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?

I hope this doesn’t make me seem creepy or anything or put people off, but thinking about a woman doing terrible brutal things to me is exciting (and no, I do not want these things done to me for real).
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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/9/2013 9:45:47 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Is it normal? Sure. For example, lots of people have rape fantasies but they would never want to experience the reality of rape. It's hot in fantasy, but the reality is far different because, in fantasy, things happen that you want to happen, in the way you want them to happen, and they stop when you want them to stop. In reality, things don't play out according to your fantasy script. You are no longer in control, someone else is.

To use your pain example, in fantasy you don't have to deal with the discomfort of weeks of healing from severe bruising, cutting, or whatever. Your body isn't marred by scars or any other leftover damage from your fantasy. You don't have to deal with the emotional fallout of having to hide the marks from your coworkers, family, and friends for fear of them staging an intervention, having you committed to a psych ward, or reporting your partner to the police.

In short, there are no real-world consequences or repercussions from engaging in fantasy. It's pure entertainment with no danger to you or anyone else. Ever hear the expression "shit just got real"? Think about where it comes from and exactly what it means. Then you'll have your answer.

< Message edited by SylvereApLeanan -- 1/9/2013 9:46:07 AM >

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/9/2013 10:27:00 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
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Status: offline 		To add to that, intense fantasies can be quite cathartic.

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/9/2013 11:13:56 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Yes it's pretty normal.

I would guess part of it is because when you are fantasizing, you're not getting feedback from another person, you're not getting the physical sensations (save whatever masturbating you might be doing), you don't have the spontaneity of not knowing what happens yet, or the risk or many of the other things you get from a real life human encounter. As such, it's less intense and less stimulating. So in order to keep enjoying and getting excited by a fantasy, you have to up the ante. You have to go for a more extreme variation to get a satisfying level of thrill. I've heard people say that over time they seek out gradually more extreme porn, and I would guess it's the same reason.

I can sympathise with your pain example. And after 6 years of being pretty constantly reminded that I'm a huge wimp, I still fantasise about some pretty brutal beatings.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/9/2013 12:25:37 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Rick with being new I think its also the battle of desire fighting with logic. You want ___(whipping, beating tying) but logically its not good for you, safe, healthy. Still recommend munches even if you need to form a kink/alternate sexuality club.

On a university campus kink minded girls aren't far away...it may also be that kind of frustrated energy that is feeding the frenzy

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/9/2013 1:36:29 PM   
Aswad


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Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

1: Is this normal?


Of course. At least a third of the population has fantasies that exceed anything they would want to experience. Violent video games are the canonical example. Popping someone in the head in CS or some other FPS is great fun. In reality, doing it, or even seeing it, up close and personal, is pretty fuckin' gruesome.

quote:

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?


Because you get to tickle the funny button in your mind without facing the associated consequences and nasty little details.

In fantasy, you can stick your hand up someone's rear end and never have to deal with fingernails, fecal matter, the bending of the colon, or the possibility that the receiver may not be able to handle it that day without safewording. The receiver doesn't make sounds from air passing into or out of their ass, and you don't have to spend forever cleaning lube off everything afterwards. It's all pedal to the metal all the way, good clean fun.

In fantasy, your dream mistress can rip your head off and stick it between her legs for a good lapping with her coming while you're going. In reality, you probably wouldn't want to be within a mile of anyone that would even consider it. Also, the logistics wouldn't work out. And, to boot, you would be gone in nine to thirty seconds flat, and nobody is going to get that one right on their first try (plus you only get one try per partner, if we can use that term). Simply put, it's hopefully a nonstarter.

But there's no harm in the fantasy, and it's perfectly normal to have them.

It's a near certainty that even the example chosen is going to be on some readers' minds the next time they have fun with themselves.

So just relax and enjoy it.

IWYW,
— Aswad.


_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/9/2013 1:57:23 PM   
VioletViolence


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/30/2012
Status: offline 		I think almost everyone has fantasies that they either aren't sure if they want them to happen in real life or know for a fact they don't want them to happen. I have some fantasies that are super hot in my head but never in a million years would I act them out because I know it could never match in real life what goes on in my head. I think the trick is both understanding that not all fantasies are meant to be acted out, as well as finding a partner who you can share all your fantasies with (even the ones you don't really want).

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/10/2013 11:08:07 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Is it normal? Sure. For example, lots of people have rape fantasies but they would never want to experience the reality of rape. It's hot in fantasy, but the reality is far different because, in fantasy, things happen that you want to happen, in the way you want them to happen, and they stop when you want them to stop. In reality, things don't play out according to your fantasy script. You are no longer in control, someone else is.

To use your pain example, in fantasy you don't have to deal with the discomfort of weeks of healing from severe bruising, cutting, or whatever. Your body isn't marred by scars or any other leftover damage from your fantasy. You don't have to deal with the emotional fallout of having to hide the marks from your coworkers, family, and friends for fear of them staging an intervention, having you committed to a psych ward, or reporting your partner to the police.

In short, there are no real-world consequences or repercussions from engaging in fantasy. It's pure entertainment with no danger to you or anyone else. Ever hear the expression "shit just got real"? Think about where it comes from and exactly what it means. Then you'll have your answer.



THank you for the response; I appreciate it. What you say makes sense and I do see how being able to switch the fantasy off without long term injuries makes it nonconsequential. As for the idea of someone else really being in control I agree entirely with your comment. I love thinking about some frightenning stuff while being tied up, but if it were real I imagine I would be freaking out a bit before the person even laid a hand on me. Once they started hitting, I imagine my fear would make the pain seem worse than it is.

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/10/2013 11:15:03 PM   
CougarRick


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Joined: 5/5/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
To add to that, intense fantasies can be quite cathartic.


THat they can

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/11/2013 5:55:13 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

Is it normal to fantasize about things you would never like in real life? If so why? The overly easy answer to this question is “because it’s fantasy”, but to me fantasy normally has to be based somewhat on real desires.

With pain however reality and fantasy are miles apart. Some of my pain fantasy goes way beyond anything I could ever tolerate in real life. I have read some descriptions of women horribly hurting males and I know for a fact if someone was ever hurting me that bad in real life I would stop them using any means possible, and if I was restrained and defenceless I would be screeching and begging them to stop, yet at the same time, when reading these descriptions I imagined that I was the one having these things done to me and I found it very exciting.

1: Is this normal?

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?

I hope this doesn’t make me seem creepy or anything or put people off, but thinking about a woman doing terrible brutal things to me is exciting (and no, I do not want these things done to me for real).



Why on earth do people come to a website for perverts, to ask if something is "normal"?

Who cares if it's "normal" Since you've said that you would not, in reality, consent to go as far as you enjoy going in fantasy, you don't seem to be dangerously self destructive.

Why do you like to fantasize about things that are too extreme for reality. Hell if I know. I can tell you that I have consented to some pretty extreme things and have a couple of times engaged in scenes that went past the point where I would have stopped them had there been ANY way I could. Those scenes were some of the most satisfying of my life. But, like you, I also have some extreme masochistic fantasies, that go WAY beyond what I would willingly submit to. They're what I usually masturbate to. I've had them since puberty, never have figured out why I have them, and LONG ago gave up caring about whether or not they're "normal."

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/11/2013 5:58:34 PM   
PrincessDonna11


Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline 		I call it being pushed to your limits...with consent of course

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/11/2013 7:28:30 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?

I hope this doesn’t make me seem creepy or anything or put people off, but thinking about a woman doing terrible brutal things to me is exciting (and no, I do not want these things done to me for real).



Ever watched tv or walked past a fast food stand and seen a poster or smelled something and thought "oh that looks/smells delicious!" But when you actually eat it it doesn't taste anything like what you hoped it would? That's what's happening. The parts of your brain that are attracted to these fantasies have conceived some kind of idea of what it might be like that is appealing to you, but it is not based on the facts of what you would actually experience. The logical part of your brain realizes this, but that alone is not enough to get the first part to rewrite the fantasy. The only thing effective in doing that is finding the thing that actually does give you the feelings/taste/kick that that part of the brain craved and pinned erroneously to that poster/item/fantasy. This is normal. Don't go fretting yourself into pieces thinking its weird or that you secretly want to be brutalized based on a "computing error" lol

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/11/2013 10:40:26 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle
Why on earth do people come to a website for perverts, to ask if something is "normal"?

Who cares if it's "normal" Since you've said that you would not, in reality, consent to go as far as you enjoy going in fantasy, you don't seem to be dangerously self destructive.

Why do you like to fantasize about things that are too extreme for reality. Hell if I know. I can tell you that I have consented to some pretty extreme things and have a couple of times engaged in scenes that went past the point where I would have stopped them had there been ANY way I could. Those scenes were some of the most satisfying of my life. But, like you, I also have some extreme masochistic fantasies, that go WAY beyond what I would willingly submit to. They're what I usually masturbate to. I've had them since puberty, never have figured out why I have them, and LONG ago gave up caring about whether or not they're "normal."



I guess I grew up pretty vanilla so I'm still a bit awkward and embarrassed about this side of myself. Secondly, my concern is that I have started to enjoy reading increasingly violent stories, imagining myself as the victim and I guess it does concern me that I could enjoy fantasizing about such violent things happening to me. I don't want to think that I'm completely fucked up or anything.

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/12/2013 3:28:16 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

Fantasy is just that, fantasy. How many married folks do you not think fantasize about the handsome hunk working down at the hardware store or the pretty young librarian at their son's school without that meaning they actually want to or will be unfaithful to their partner? Hell I have some wild fantasies that I would not want to happen to me in real life. I fantasized about living in my favorite RPG world Mage the Ascension as a member of the Traditions and then be kidnapped by the Technocracy and made the personal slave of one of them. In my fantasy there where more whipping, fisting and sexual torture than I would have ever liked in real life, nor would I have liked to be kidnapped and forced to be a slave against my will, but in the realm of fantasy you can do anything and there is nothing wrong with that.

It is like Aswad say, look at non sexual fantasies, sometimes when I am board while sitting on the train for example I will spin a story in my head of being sent to one of my favorite settings, stories of magick and fantasy creatures and usually some extreme danger that one have to fight oneself out of. In reality if I saw a HIT Mark from Mage the Ascension for example, think a Terminator, coming towards me wanting to kill me I would shit myself. In my fantasy I heroically get to save the rest of the party until I myself is rescued by a handsome mage who is modeled after my idea of the perfect man or woman. I do not want to be almost killed by a cyborg, or anything else for that matter in real life, but in fantasy it is another matter. The same can be said for compute games, movies or any other such pass time, shit happens to the characters that you identify with that would not be much fun real life. This is natural, healthy and completely okey. In a fantasy there is no consequences, no emotional damage, no actual risk of getting killed, so like Aswad say it is good, clean fun.

I wish you well

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/12/2013 2:37:33 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle
Why on earth do people come to a website for perverts, to ask if something is "normal"?

Who cares if it's "normal" Since you've said that you would not, in reality, consent to go as far as you enjoy going in fantasy, you don't seem to be dangerously self destructive.

Why do you like to fantasize about things that are too extreme for reality. Hell if I know. I can tell you that I have consented to some pretty extreme things and have a couple of times engaged in scenes that went past the point where I would have stopped them had there been ANY way I could. Those scenes were some of the most satisfying of my life. But, like you, I also have some extreme masochistic fantasies, that go WAY beyond what I would willingly submit to. They're what I usually masturbate to. I've had them since puberty, never have figured out why I have them, and LONG ago gave up caring about whether or not they're "normal."



I guess I grew up pretty vanilla so I'm still a bit awkward and embarrassed about this side of myself. Secondly, my concern is that I have started to enjoy reading increasingly violent stories, imagining myself as the victim and I guess it does concern me that I could enjoy fantasizing about such violent things happening to me. I don't want to think that I'm completely fucked up or anything.


You seem to be much like I was many years ago. But, you have a great advantage I didn't have. Nowadays, there is a huge, real life BDSM community where people with fantasies and desires such as yours (and mine) and people with complimentary fantasies and desires, and even people with totally unrelated, but still very kinky fantasies and desires can meet each other, be open with one another, become friends and learn from one another. I highly recommend you join it.

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/12/2013 9:07:54 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad
In fantasy, you can stick your hand up someone's rear end and never have to deal with fingernails, fecal matter, the bending of the colon, or the possibility that the receiver may not be able to handle it that day without safewording. The receiver doesn't make sounds from air passing into or out of their ass, and you don't have to spend forever cleaning lube off everything afterwards.



It will be a long time before I get those images out of my head LOL

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/13/2013 6:22:36 PM   
cocomistress


Posts: 13
Joined: 12/31/2012
Status: offline 		1. Don't ask if it's normal. If it's something you're interested in, I guarantee you there are thousands of others who are also interested. Normal is a word I don't like to use.
2. Pain is mostly about how you perceive it. How your body responds to pain depends on the mindset you have when you are about to be inflicted with pain. For instance, let's say you go into a situation where you're being flogged. If you look at it as something to dread, you won't get what you want out of it. But if you are waiting in anticipation, then you'll get what you want out of it.
3. There's a thin line between fantasy and reality to me. The only thing keeping your kinky fantasies from being real life experiences is you.

But it's a process, start slow and with something you're comfortable with.

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/21/2013 7:13:14 AM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cocomistress

1. Don't ask if it's normal. If it's something you're interested in, I guarantee you there are thousands of others who are also interested. Normal is a word I don't like to use.
2. Pain is mostly about how you perceive it. How your body responds to pain depends on the mindset you have when you are about to be inflicted with pain. For instance, let's say you go into a situation where you're being flogged. If you look at it as something to dread, you won't get what you want out of it. But if you are waiting in anticipation, then you'll get what you want out of it.
3. There's a thin line between fantasy and reality to me. The only thing keeping your kinky fantasies from being real life experiences is you.

But it's a process, start slow and with something you're comfortable with.



THank you for the response. I appreciate it. At this stage that is basiclaly what I will do; take it slow and at my own pace. Good point about not asking if it's normal. I've been a vanilla my whole life until less than a year ago and I'm still trying to accept the new me, but you have a good point there.

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/21/2013 1:58:42 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

Is it normal to fantasize about things you would never like in real life? If so why? The overly easy answer to this question is “because it’s fantasy”, but to me fantasy normally has to be based somewhat on real desires.

With pain however reality and fantasy are miles apart. Some of my pain fantasy goes way beyond anything I could ever tolerate in real life. I have read some descriptions of women horribly hurting males and I know for a fact if someone was ever hurting me that bad in real life I would stop them using any means possible, and if I was restrained and defenceless I would be screeching and begging them to stop, yet at the same time, when reading these descriptions I imagined that I was the one having these things done to me and I found it very exciting.

1: Is this normal?

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?

I hope this doesn’t make me seem creepy or anything or put people off, but thinking about a woman doing terrible brutal things to me is exciting (and no, I do not want these things done to me for real).



Here is the exact same answer I gave to this question on two different Fetlife groups today. Edited to add, I just noticed that I answered this question here yesterday. I'm guessing the OP hasn't gotten the answer he wants yet.



1: Is this normal?

Why do people come to a website of two million perverts to ask if something is "normal"? Who defines what's normal and why does anybody else care about his definition? Is it common to have such fantasies? Yes. I have many such fantasies myself and I know I'm not alone in this. I have done a few "no way out" scenes that went past the point where I would have stopped them if I possibly could have. They were great scenes, some of the best I've ever had. But, one reason why they were great was because they were done with tops whom I trusted implicitly, who were very good at knowing when to stop and who stopped soon after I passed that point. I still have fantasies that have not been realized and that I would not consent to having realized because I know I would not survive them. As long as you have an idea of what you really can take, can tell the difference between what's safe enough to do and what isn't and stay on the right side of that line, and of the lawn, don't worry about it.

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?

Hell if I know. I gave up trying to understand it a long time ago.


< Message edited by HarryVanWinkle -- 1/21/2013 2:00:52 PM >

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RE: When fantasy goes beyond real life desire - 1/21/2013 2:08:36 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

Is it normal to fantasize about things you would never like in real life? If so why? The overly easy answer to this question is “because it’s fantasy”, but to me fantasy normally has to be based somewhat on real desires.

With pain however reality and fantasy are miles apart. Some of my pain fantasy goes way beyond anything I could ever tolerate in real life. I have read some descriptions of women horribly hurting males and I know for a fact if someone was ever hurting me that bad in real life I would stop them using any means possible, and if I was restrained and defenceless I would be screeching and begging them to stop, yet at the same time, when reading these descriptions I imagined that I was the one having these things done to me and I found it very exciting.

1: Is this normal?

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?

I hope this doesn’t make me seem creepy or anything or put people off, but thinking about a woman doing terrible brutal things to me is exciting (and no, I do not want these things done to me for real).



Here is the exact same answer I gave to this question on two different Fetlife groups today. Edited to add, I just noticed that I answered this question here yesterday. I'm guessing the OP hasn't gotten the answer he wants yet.



1: Is this normal?

Why do people come to a website of two million perverts to ask if something is "normal"? Who defines what's normal and why does anybody else care about his definition? Is it common to have such fantasies? Yes. I have many such fantasies myself and I know I'm not alone in this. I have done a few "no way out" scenes that went past the point where I would have stopped them if I possibly could have. They were great scenes, some of the best I've ever had. But, one reason why they were great was because they were done with tops whom I trusted implicitly, who were very good at knowing when to stop and who stopped soon after I passed that point. I still have fantasies that have not been realized and that I would not consent to having realized because I know I would not survive them. As long as you have an idea of what you really can take, can tell the difference between what's safe enough to do and what isn't and stay on the right side of that line, and of the lawn, don't worry about it.

2: Why does something I would find terrifying and horrible in real life seem so exciting in fantasy?

Hell if I know. I gave up trying to understand it a long time ago.




I was the guy who posted this question on fetlife (StudentRick). I don't recall posting it in two groups though. I posted it once.

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
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