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Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 6:18:12 PM

Esinem

Posts: 156
Joined: 5/9/2006
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I have a new playmate who is unable to reach orgasm with a partner, but is able to do so through masturbation in private. However as, I write, it has occured to me that I haven't checked if she can masturbate to orgasm in front of me. I can't believe it haven't asked, as it does seem relevant. I'm assuming it is down to being unable to fully 'let go' in front of somebody else, although she seems far from shy in any other way when it comes to sex or SM. In case you're wondering, I'm assured that it isn't due to any lack of arousal and the situation is so new to me that it's not due to incompetence

Apart from attempting to create a relaxed, no-pressure situation combined with positive reinforcement statements, any suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 6:43:41 PM

Brosco

Posts: 238
Joined: 5/29/2006
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I have found that basic orgasm control techniques have helped some women who have difficulty in achieving an orgasm, and so may also apply in this case. I emphasize the word 'some' because different techniques work for different people.. and for some, there seems to be nothing that will work.

There can be a self inflicted pressure to attempt to achieve an O which can cause an anxiety resulting in failure. Think of it from a male's situation, if he ever has a problem 'getting it up' he can create an anxiety in himself to be able perform next time, and that anxiety can ensure he 'fails' again. It is only when he is able to remove the pressure of 'having to perform' that he is able to do so.

In basic orgasm control the emphasis is shifted from cumming to not cumming. Attention is shifted to enjoying the arousal and withholding an O even when it is very close. The only time the sub should be commanded to cum is when there is a extremely high chance of success, but even then she should never attempt to help force the orgasm, but just allow it to happen if it does. With the anxiety removed from achieving an orgasm, some find that they come/cum much more easily.

I hope I have explained that well enough for the idea to be considered.

Brosco

_____________________________

Any Dom that believes he is in complete control ... has a very clever subbie.

(in reply to Esinem)

Post #: 2

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 6:43:44 PM

MistressTheaZ

Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline

I had this situation with a female playmate a few years ago. She would squirm, wiggle, and generally make all the happy noises but just couldn't let herself go and finish unless she was by herself. What We ended up doing, since I thought this was a roaring shame, *laugh*, was incorporate some teasing with some of her favorite toys into scenes in progress. Finding herself already in subspace, trusting Me, and feeling aroused...it was easier in time for her to let go, and not feel funny about it. Me giving her an orgasm - even through a vibrator - was easier than her giving herself one in front of me, and it helped her along to the point where she began to get closer and closer, and then finally was able to finish herself. A progression of time was involved, but what a fun time We had getting there.

;)

~Thea

(in reply to Esinem)

Post #: 3

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 6:46:05 PM

AngelicPuzzle

Posts: 88
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline

OMG there is another!!!!!!! I am not alone in this LMAO

Seriously I have the same exact issue - if they are present i.e. IM, Phone, or in Person - whether it is their hand mine or their ??? The state of arousal is there and is quite obvious but it simple has not happened or rarely. Yet I have no problem when I am alone either manually or with acessories LOL

I had one very skilled partner with accessories and he was trying and trying - nadda - he leaves and 5 minutes later...earthquake!!!!

Best I have been able to figure out for myself is that it is about Trust - needing to learn to completely trust that person to expose myself so deeply to them.

The biggest problem I run into know is a case of "perfomance anxiety" if too much focus it placed on me orgamasing when I have already covered the issue. I enjoy sessions for the sake of sessions and the way it makes me feel - I don't need the orgasm to make the encounter complete.

My biggest suggestion to you is this: if she is enjoying things and is glowing when it is over but didn't orgasm then don't sweat it - in time it will happen :)

Mystery

_____________________________

All is Well.....it Really Is! :)

(in reply to Esinem)

Post #: 4

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 6:48:46 PM

nawdylilgirl

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Joined: 4/8/2006
Status: offline

sounds like fun MistressTheaZ... can i sign up for one of those classes or 3?
nawdy

_____________________________

nawdy

- I'm not looking, only here to read and learn -

Have a great day

(in reply to MistressTheaZ)

Post #: 5

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 6:58:59 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Funny as it may seem for a guy, but I have the same issue. Alone, the plumbing works perfectly. Get me in the room with someone else, and, while I can have a great time, the firehose won't put out my fire. From the amount I know of myself, I would say Mistress Thea's method would probably work well with me.

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to nawdylilgirl)

Post #: 6

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 7:04:35 PM

Lunaroseice

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

Age could be a factor. I couldn't have them with another until I was in my late 20's. I didn't start having them consistantly until closer to 30's. But after 32 or 33, I started have multiples. It is not that unusual for it to be an age related phenomenon with many women.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 7

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 7:05:43 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
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Glad this thread was brought up. Is always nice to know one is not alone, giggles. Have a favorite Dom that is so dang determined i will die before am allowed to give up and while we sometimes feel and are working forever the big O is beginning to happen lol within a few hours. Takes forever lots of play and god i am sore but wow is so much better than alone.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 8

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 7:08:09 PM

Esinem

Posts: 156
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AngelicPuzzle

My biggest suggestion to you is this: if she is enjoying things and is glowing when it is over but didn't orgasm then don't sweat it - in time it will happen :)

Mystery

Don't worry, we are definitely both enjoying it lots and there's glowing aplenty

As somebody said, it is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. That's one of the great things about BDSM, we (yes, even men) can have a mindblowing time without necessarily the big O. However, I shall be relentless in cracking this problem. It's a matter of honour!

Indeed, it could be age related as she is a young 'un.

< Message edited by Esinem -- 6/18/2006 7:09:46 PM >

(in reply to AngelicPuzzle)

Post #: 9

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 7:10:54 PM

MistressTheaZ

Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nawdylilgirl

sounds like fun MistressTheaZ... can i sign up for one of those classes or 3?
nawdy

I maintain an open admission policy, nawdy.

~Thea

(in reply to nawdylilgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 7:19:40 PM

nawdylilgirl

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressTheaZ

quote:

ORIGINAL: nawdylilgirl

sounds like fun MistressTheaZ... can i sign up for one of those classes or 3?
nawdy

I maintain an open admission policy, nawdy.

~Thea

ooohhh! Thanks Thea... I'll be right over
nawdy

_____________________________

nawdy

- I'm not looking, only here to read and learn -

Have a great day

(in reply to MistressTheaZ)

Post #: 11

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 7:31:15 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I think you hit it when you questioned if she could masturbate to orgasm in front of you... with you being a quiet observer. also being unnoticed to her as well.

I would also discuss with her at length what her thoughts/feelings are when she is in private and masturbates. I would also learn what her experienes are with someone in the room. What are difference in her thoughts/feelings between the two. It will be the difference in the thoughts/feelings that will give you the answer.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Esinem)

Post #: 12

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 8:02:06 PM

mayapple

Posts: 22
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline

Please consider these factors:

* Physical technique - How does your sub bring herself to orgasm? (I have found that some men have "just the right touch" while others might touch me with too much pressure or in the wrong place - direct contact with the clit often backfires. Or a man might vary his technique too much for me; I prefer staying with one kind of touch in the same position with nothing else distracting me.)

* Mental arousal - What thoughts is she having as she cums when alone? What thoughts is she having as you arouse her? (I find it helps me to focus on one specific arousing notion. I used to invent a submissive scenario to succumb to and it was easier to do this on my own than in a man's presence unless he created a situation I found irresistible. I love hearing my Dom say things to me to stir greater inner submissiveness as I approach orgasm.)

* Interpersonal dynamics - Who is in control here? I think it can be more than "performance anxiety." I can only cum when I truly feel inside myself that I am yielding up control. And so I can never cum when I "try" to make myself, because that implies some degree of my own control over the event. I cum when I can no longer maintain control, when I yield to the power of a real or imaginary man. BDSM heightens for me the inner sensations of yielding control. And yet... while I am "getting there" and have not yet arrived, it sometimes feels as if my Dom is servicing me, and that sometimes feels backwards from the D/s dynamic we both want - we both want to feel that I am there for his pleasure, and if too much attention is paid to my own pleasure then I can become self-conscious, and this sometimes impedes or blocks me. And I want to echo the sentiment expressed by another poster that it all comes down to trust. I cum when I put myself totally in my Dom's hands and this requires absolute trust as a starting point.

A couple of things have helped me shift my inner perspective so that I feel more and more the same inside whether I am cumming on my own or to his touch:

* He tells me that every orgasm I have brings me deeper into submission to him and deeper into his control. So it truly feels inside when I cum on my own that I am cumming "for" him and binding myself more deeply to him. It begins almost not to matter to me which of us brings about the orgasm. He also sometimes gives me specific instructions on how to cum at home - what position to be in or what toy to use if any or what thought to think - and he often instructs me to imagine him standing over me watching me. And so, more and more I feel his presence when I cum alone, and this helps me feel more and more comfortable to cum in his presence, for it is as if I've been practicing for this at home.

* I have been coached to understand that my arousal and orgasm are not for my own pleasure but for the pleasure of my Dom. My arousal and orgasm are to be *endured* and given to him. He will accept whatever I offer, whether it is arousal or whether I reach orgasm. As long as he knows I offer myself and my arousal freely for his pleasure, he is happy with the gift whether I reach orgasm or not. (No matter where we might stand on whether or not "submission is a gift," I do find it helpful to consider my arousal and orgasm as a gift for his pleasure, not my own! This helps me to take myself out of the spotlight and keep me focused on him and on offering myself for his pleasure.)

I think if I were in your sub's position and could not cum in the presence of another person and then that person put any sort of pressure on me at all by letting me know that he would not be satisfied until I came to his touches then this would make it much much harder for me to cum. Even if this is your private goal, I hope you do all you can to help your sub feel relaxed about the whole thing and let her know that you are pleased with her arousal and submissiveness, and that if she completes her gift to you in her own time and way, you are well pleased.

mayapple

(in reply to Esinem)

Post #: 13

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 8:06:46 PM

lisa1978

Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

Can be a lot of causes but my best guess is that she just is not comfortable in front of you or probably anybody to let herself get to that level.

The questions I would have.

Her prior sexual expereince, how much and how good? How long has she gone in between sexual encounters? Does she always masturbate one way?

I had a freind I tried playing around with once. She was married for eights years and was a near virgin before. Her husband had little interest in sex and the last three years of the marriage they had none. By the time I got with her she had never had any positive sex experiences and had only orgasmed by masturbation. She could enjoy sexual things done to her but could never relax enough to orgasm from them.

My guess and only a stupid guess, but patience and her learning to relax and be comfortable with being with you will be critical.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 8:32:17 PM

babygirlangel

Posts: 110
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

omg! i never thought to find someone else who had this problem!
its been years and i thought i might've been alone, though im sure i wasnt... lol.. just nobody ever would admit to it, i thought.
for me its very embarrassing that i cant achieve orgasm with another, it makes me feel like a failure at times, and people telling me to just enjoy it.. well it kinda makes it worse. its like... settling. i do enjoy sex and it feels really great, but i cant, even on the phone, IM, other things, as the other person said. i do however really enjoy cyber ( or did, i havent done that in a long time ) its the mental aspect that really gets me going. i keep hoping that maybe i'll find someone i trust enough to let that last bit go. a question i have for the others with the same problem: have you faked it so as to stop the pressure, or appease them?

_____________________________

Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you I am afraid...

(in reply to lisa1978)

Post #: 15

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/18/2006 11:16:40 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

I can't orgasim easily by other poeple because I have a bunch of sexual hang ups from being molested over half of my child hood. the desire and will is there but the libido and ease is not.

(in reply to babygirlangel)

Post #: 16

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/19/2006 1:13:43 AM

Esinem

Posts: 156
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

I seem to have hit on a point here. A lot of "OMG, I'm not alone posts".

Yes, I agree that I shouldn't make my determination too obvious to avoid performance anxiety. I like Knightof Mists post about discovering the difference. I doubt there will be a problem discussing this as she is very willing to discuss what she likes and doesn't. It could be related to a lack of prior positive experiences. SM-wise, I seem to be satisfying desires not previously met at any rate. However, I haven't asked a lot of questions about previousl sexual experiences as I don't want to make this a big deal and, anyway, a gentleman shouldn't give a lady the 3rd degree about these matters...although some tactful probing could be in order.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 17

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/19/2006 2:36:55 AM

gloriousangel

Posts: 361
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: West Midlands
Status: offline

sometimes i find it hard to reach an proper orgasm. I am ok on my own with my master or mistress but it does take me a very long time. I did not even know what a orgasm was when I was younger until now. I did not realise I had to actually move my hips as well to arouse myself even more.

The best thing I can suggest is to use toys that may help her to come to a full orgasm.

_____________________________

I am now owned and collared and leashed.

(in reply to Esinem)

Post #: 18

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/19/2006 3:01:22 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
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Hand up here - yes, I'm another one.

But it's never been an issue for me - there's so many other fantastic things happening, and some sensations I don't even have names for, that feel just as great as the big O.

I also go into subspace a lot, and apparently when you get aroused you can either go to subspace, or you can have an orgasm, but you can't do both.

I'd like to be able to climax when I'm not alone, but if it doesn't ever happen it's not a huge problem, I have lots of other ways to have fun. But although I've reassured my Dom about this, I know he'd feel good if he could take me there.

I suppose we'll just have to have more sex, and more foreplay, and more stimulation and even more sex.....

*happy sigh*

(in reply to gloriousangel)

Post #: 19

RE: Unable to orgasm except alone - 6/19/2006 5:45:23 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
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Well, for one thing I would stop focusing on the orgasm. The pressure to produce an orgasm for you may be creating too much anxiety for her to relax and concentrate on her pleasure.

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 20

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