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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Explaining to 'nilla what I need (1/13/2013 2:12:41 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Being "used, humiliated, controlled and exposed by someone is typically thought of as kinky sex, so yes, that is what you are asking for.
Aside from that, it really sounds like you aren't communicating to him very well. If he says he didn't use the toys because you didn't ask him to, then ask him! You DO NOT have a D/s relationship, so there can be no topping from the bottom since you aren't dom and sub at this point. It is just somewhere that you would like to get to. If you don't give him some very explicit leads, he isn't going to get the hint, obviously. It's a wonder you haven't been able to figure this out.
As for the lower sex drive, again, COMMUNICATE this with him. You keep talking about what you ASSUME he is thinking, not what he has TOLD you. They could be two different things. If you aren't comfortable talking to him about this stuff, then we certainly can't help you.
All of this. You need to have a proper talk. No hinting, no guessing, no assuming what he wants, no laying out toys in a suggestive way.
Try 'honey, it's important to me that we do some exploration in the bedroom. Would like us to try 'x'. How you do you feel about that?'
Follow it up with reassurance that you don't expect him to go to play parties with you, you know it's kinkier than he is used to and you are willing to take it slow, that he can't do it wrong because you're just learning together, and you're just as willing to explore his fantasies.
Clearly, for whatever reason, he doesn't have the confidence to just grab a paddle and flip you over his knee. So walk him through it. 'Let's have a romantic night tomorrow. I'd really like it if you would spank me and boss me about a bit'. Then the next morning 'I'm looking forward to our night tonight. I'll cook you your favourite dinner - is there anything you'd like me to wear? I want to spend the night spoiling you so don't be shy and tell me anything you want' Then after work 'I've laid out the paddle on the bed, I hope you get the urge to use it. I've been so horny thinking about it all day, so just go for it whenever you feel like it'. After dinner 'maybe it's time to go to the bedroom and try out our new toy. Where do you want me?'
Yes, you will be leading it, but what do you expect? He doesn't have the fantasy, or the confidence, or a clue how it's supposed to go. Immediately afterwards, show your enthusiasm (even if it just ended up being three light taps). Later that night, ask him about how he felt. Did he like it? Which bits did he like? Was there anything you could do that would make it more fun? And as has already been explaining, don't criticize, just encourage. 'Oh I loved when you tugged on my hair! It's so hot when you're rough with me!' Never say 'it should've been harder'. Let him know that he can do what feels good to him and he's not stuck trying to act out a specific script that he never got to read.
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