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metamorfosis -> RE: How many people think I'm schizophrenic? (1/14/2013 3:31:03 AM)
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This is some more detail behind what you saw in that post:
Last december I had some sort of breakdown. It was during the whole Arpig thing but not exclusively because of it. My life was pretty messed up for a number of reasons. Let's just say it was a long time coming. I didn't sleep or eat much during the month of December, and I was under tremendous stress. I was crying akll the time. And then Arpig happened and I just lost it. I'm sure many of you remember.
Anyway, I was approached by a member of the forums who hinted, obliquely, that I might be schizophrenic. That was precisely my own fear as well. I denied it, but promised to see a doctor. I planned to go the next week, but wound up not being able to because of my work schedule. I was working 7 days a week and just couldn't get time to go, not until 2 months later. But I was convinced it really was schizophrenia and admitted as much on a thread here... again, obliquely, but in a way that I thought would be clear to the several people I suspected of taking an interest in the matter. What I said on that thread was, in fact, my own opinion and not a doctor's diagnosis.
I saw a doctor very briefly 2 months later. That was the first opportunity I had to take time off of work during business hours. It was a very short visit and I was pressed for time. I didn't describe my situation in much detail, I just listed my symptoms. I did not tell him I suspected schizophrenia. The doctor increased my dose of antidepressant, and sent me on my way. I felt like he was missing something but I was too chicken to push the schizophrenia issue, and I really was pressed for time. I figured: well, we'll see if the new prescription fixes this. It didn't.
I was still feeling really agitated all the time. I wasn't sleeping or eating much, and I had started drinking too much. I was crying at the drop of a hat. I felt like I needed to scream out loud. I had the sensation of not being able to breathe, even though I
knew I was getting enough air. My world felt heavy and constricted. I was obsessed with Arpig and several other posters here. I was scared of getting fired and afraid that my co-workers were talking behind my back, or at least thinking things about me. I remember thinking over and over "I'm going to pass out" and "I'm dying", even though I knew it wasn't true. I had trouble remembering thibgs, and sometimes I had a hard time thinking clearly. My symptoms never included seeing or hearing things that weren't there.
Months later, I went to the Merced Mental Health clinic. Not wanting to go undiagnosed any longer, I pushed the idea of schizophrenia pretty hard. They didn't buy it. The therapist said, "Let's tale schizophrenia off the table and just talk." I was still convinced that it was schizophrenia, but I agreed. We talked. After several sessions she diagnosed me with anxiety, specifically PTSD. I didn't believe it but I kept going, thinking that eventually she would realize her mistake. That was almost a year ago. She still doesn't believe I'm schizophrenic. She says anxiety, plus a cluster of symptoms which may or may not be manic depression. She knows there is a history of manic depression in my family and no history of schizophrenia, but she said she was trying not to form any preconceived ideas of what it might be. I think she believes I might be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder, but she hasn't diagnosed either yet. Schizophrenia and the other schizo-type diseases have been ruled out. It's also possible that anxiety and depression combined with a fucked up life has left me neurotic but not in any clear, diagnosible way. It's also possible that she's wrong and it really is schizophrenia, but as time goes by it seems unlikely that something that serious would have been missed.
I'll give you this: I am crazy. I'm definitely crazy. I'm just probably not schizophrenic.
I know there are posters who really thought I was. It's for you now to decide if this explanation is believable. I'm sorry I didn't offer it earlier. I didn't think it mattered.
Pam
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