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How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 6:45:51 AM   
MstrssSatin


Posts: 71
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I know I've seen similar topics on here before but not certain where they are. I have within the past two months began seeing a man I met outside of the lifestyle. At first it was just entertaining watching him be so protective of me and watching himself in case he should accidently offend me by being too forward. LOL.  Then he became more endearing to me with the hand-holding, heartfelt words, flowers movies, picnics and long walks. Now I find myself developing a fondness for him. Outside the lifestyle we have a lot in common and have similar goals and backgrounds. We've even met each other's families. My question and my concern is what if he is as vanilla as he seems? What if my preferred tastes scare the crap out of him? Has anyone else had this dilemma? What did you do? Do you introduce him to your world or do you turn your back on what you are? I don't think I could totally turn my back on all that I have learned, the temptation to come back would be too great. 

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 6:55:29 AM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		If this is a part of you, one that is part and parcel of who you are then eventually you will have to tell him.  Trying to go back into a vanilla world will never work.  It would leave you with unmet needs and eventually ruin the relationship anyway. 

There are options.  I know a Mistress whose husband was as vanilla as they come. She told him before their marriage.  He told her he could cope with her playing as long as sex was not a part of it.  He strongly preferred her to play with women.  Men he wanted to approve of in person and make clear that sex would not be a part of it.  I know of others in this who do the same.  The person you fall in love with and marry may be vanilla.  They do need to know of this and realize that it is a part of who you are.  If they are not willing to allow you this in any form it probably means that you need to move on.

The question here is...how many weeks, months or years do you continue with this before knowing how they will react?

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:15:40 AM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		I have been there on several occasions. It is very tough and there just are not any absolute answers. My .02 or less advice is if you feel you have to have the D/s life, you care for this person greatly and you think he has traits that he could be in that type of relationship then I would bring up the topic at the appropriate time and see if he would be interested. I have heard of many people being drawn into this type of life by a significant other but you also must be prepared for them to not understand or get freaked out and the relationship to be over soon after. There is high risk involved.

My personal experiences in this setting was I married a regular man after already living the life for many years and thought I could give it up without a problem. For me personally that turn out to be a rather big mistake. At the end of the marriage I did try to introduce it but it was just not for him and deep down I knew that.

I have also had several pleasant but not too serious relationships where I have introduced some more kinky things into the bedroom, including some BDSM and for the most part it did not work out well at all.

You wrote you are worried that you cannot live without this life. If that is a big worry, I would go with your instinct on it. I see very few examples of people suppressing large parts of them to fit in and be happy with that choice. You need to make a decision to either suppress, confront or end the relationship. Unfortunately, no matter what you choose, you must be mentally prepared to loose this person you have grown fond of.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:16:09 AM   
MstrssSatin


Posts: 71
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

If this is a part of you, one that is part and parcel of who you are then eventually you will have to tell him.  Trying to go back into a vanilla world will never work.  It would leave you with unmet needs and eventually ruin the relationship anyway. 

There are options.  I know a Mistress whose husband was as vanilla as they come. She told him before their marriage.  He told her he could cope with her playing as long as sex was not a part of it.  He strongly preferred her to play with women.  Men he wanted to approve of in person and make clear that sex would not be a part of it.  I know of others in this who do the same.  The person you fall in love with and marry may be vanilla.  They do need to know of this and realize that it is a part of who you are.  If they are not willing to allow you this in any form it probably means that you need to move on.

The question here is...how many weeks, months or years do you continue with this before knowing how they will react?


Thank you sharainks. You are right, I truly don't think I could be totally vanilla again. I do not intend to let much more time go by before I tell /show him, as gently and subtley as I can. I don't want to invest too much more time and emotions in something that may blow up in my face anyway. Ideally I would like him to participate and be part of all aspects of my life.


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Mistress Satin
Seek well, Seek true
Are you man enough to submit to Me?

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:19:26 AM   
MstrssSatin


Posts: 71
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Thank you lisa, your thoughts have been very helpful. I have thought of introducing a few things at a time to see how he reacts. 

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Mistress Satin
Seek well, Seek true
Are you man enough to submit to Me?

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:24:23 AM   
Chaingang


Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline 		Right. Because as of now the whole relationship is based on the subtle deception that you are something you probably really aren't - the girl next door. When he finds out you are far more "sophisticated" than he imagined he might take it very negatively. That's not a given, but the way you tell the story I am imagining a very traditional sort of guy.

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:28:57 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You can see whether you can work together to fulfill eachother, or recognize that you cannot and say goodbye.  You are taking a big risk here, but if you accept the risk, then you can deal with the possible consequences.

Let's also think of the guy- who's going to have to deal with dating a person who seems to be great in all aspects, but suddenly comes out with this big other chunk of herself.  It wouldn't be good to keep seeing him much longer without coming out about it, no matter where it goes next.

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:30:28 AM   
MstrssSatin


Posts: 71
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaingang

Right. Because as of now the whole relationship is based on the subtle deception that you are something you probably really aren't - the girl next door. When he finds out you are far more "sophisticated" than he imagined he might take it very negatively. That's not a given, but the way you tell the story I am imagining a very traditional sort of guy.


Yes Chaingang he is. And I find the old fashioned sort very charming and am attracted to them. I do believe you are correct that he views me as the girl next door. I've been told I look like a school teacher or a librarian, so the deception wasn't intentional. I don't exactly introduce myself as Mistress Satin who likes bondage and blindfolds, so I am sure he had decided "my type" before he approached me.


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Mistress Satin
Seek well, Seek true
Are you man enough to submit to Me?

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:44:22 AM   
MistressTheaZ


Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline 		MstrssSatin,

I would agree to not let this go on - and feelings intensify - much longer before you tell him how you feel and what your interests are. I tend to think, for some (Myself included), BDSM is a part of how you feel inside, how you identify, what you need and want for yourself, whether it be solely in the bedroom or incorporated into your lifestyle as a whole.

With My last long-term relationship, I expressed this very early - I believe, our second 'date', *laugh*, and was happy when he seemed interested and accepting. We had about a year and a half together before 'rocky road' began to turn back towards vanilla, and then I understood: he engaged in it as more of a kinky sexual activity than an interest, sincere turn-on or lifestyle choice. While I have lived D/s 24/7, it's not My interest in a personal relationship, and reconciling the end of his obvious flirtation with what is moreso a part of Me ended up driving a big wedge between Us. *frown*

It took Me a little while to figure out where that line is for Me personally, but I've come to the conclusion that there isn't a reason that a personal relationship can't contain power exchange in a multitude of facets while drawing from a foundation of love, trust and honesty. An interesting paradox to need a man I can respect and share with - intellectually, emotionally and otherwise - but whom I also would like underfoot at least some of the time. Regardless, after the demise of a few relationships, I've decided rocky road is the only flavor I like. ;)

Best,

~Thea

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:45:03 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I did exactly what you are talking about and he is still after 11 1/2 years vanilla.  I kept my secret and stayed away denying who i was until a year ago.  Told him and he allowed online.  Now i have freedom for real time shall we say and a new marriage contract.  If i were to do it over i would have told him up front about my "interests" perhaps he would have left and perhaps i would not have gone so long denying myself.  Either way i am fortunate that he loves me enough to let me be myself and go on with life.  Oh and btw i think he is beginning to add a few sprinkles to his vanilla.  Will wait and see.  Just want you to know that it is easier to be upfront than to wait forever after love happens and then find you can't leave this world.

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 7:53:48 AM   
shivvy


Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline 		Hello Ma'am,
 
A long story, cut short - i woz involved in a D/s relationship a couple of years ago, and got well and truely hook. it woz just so perfect for me. my Master then had to move, coz He woz in the army, and He left me behind. i had a few short term vanilla relationships, but they woz all really naff. In christmas, i broke up with a vanilla bloke, and i decided enuff woz enuff, coz i woz so unhappy at being uncollared, and i needed a Master again. Then i started seeing a vanilla bloke 11 weeks, 1 day ago (not that i'm counting), and i fell head ova heels in luv with him, like you do... but i needed Him to Dom me, coz although i loved him, i couldn't go thought life being his equal again.
 
So after asking for advice on here about how to "come out" as it were, we sat down for 4.5 hours one day, and we did nuffin but talk really... and at the end of our talk, He collared me. that woz just 3 weeks ago today, and my life has just got betta and betta and betta. i am now so happy and content... ok, we still got stuff to work out, and i'm His first eva sub and that, but Hes doing His own research and stuff, and it's just worked out really grand.
 
Like You Ma'am, i woz so scared and nervous before doing it, coz i neva wanted to loose Him, but i woz really lucky... i took the risk, and for me it paid off.
 
If You'd like to talk to me in private, and perhaps read my blogs and that, please feel free to message me, and i'll give you the addy and stuff. but if You don't think it would be any use (coming from the different side of the fence, as it were), then i just wish You all the very best of luck Ma'am.
 
With respect,
 
shiv
xx

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 8:08:32 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		My question and my concern is what if he is as vanilla as he seems? What if my preferred tastes scare the crap out of him? Has anyone else had this dilemma? What did you do? Do you introduce him to your world or do you turn your back on what you are? I don't think I could totally turn my back on all that I have learned, the temptation to come back would be too great.

All you can introduce is you, the whole you, and nothing but you. After all, do you really want to lie and pretend to be someone else to stay in a relationship? If the answer is yes then he would never know who you truely are. It's best to let him know that you have a kinky side that can also be dominant at times. All you can do is start him out slow and see if he enjoys the ride. By presenting this to him, I think that in the end, the two of you will have a great understanding of each other and settle with a fun comprimise.  


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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 8:33:32 AM   
MstrssSatin


Posts: 71
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much.  Reading your opinions, viewpoints and shared experiences has helped me more than I can say. One of the main things I like about this community is the way we help each other, another thing that I just can't walk away from.  

_____________________________

Mistress Satin
Seek well, Seek true
Are you man enough to submit to Me?

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 8:35:21 AM   
HisTicia


Posts: 203
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		I was with my gf when I started getting intrested in the actual BDSM thing..though I really had been intrested in it for years..just didn't have a name for it yet.  After she and I ended.. I got engaged to a vanilla...and a moron..but that's for another thread.  He was soooooo boring in bed..and when I would try to let him .. or make him more Dom.. I would actually roll my eyes..and laugh to myself.  Somehow I thought I could go without it.. move on from it.  When that ended.. one of the first things I did was try this in real life.  Wow, what an experience.  On the way home after.. I couldn't even think straight.. I was shaky..and worn out..yet.. I knew that I had just taken a huge step and I couldn't go back again.
 
I know that this is one reason that my gf and I couldn't get back together... nor another man that I had met and liked.  I couldn't go without this.. I couldn't let this part of me go and put it away.  My fear was that it would come out and need to be filled..and then I might be tempted to cheat or something like that to get it..and that is something I do not want to do to anyone that I love. 
 
I know that since you two have so many things in common.. it may seem perfect..but if you bring this up..and he has no interest.. you can't turn him into anything he is not..and it would only make you both unhappy in the end.  Him, because he would feel he was letting you down..and you, because you would always have a part of your needs not met.  There will be someone in this "world" that you get along with that way..it will be hard to find..but so is any relationship.  I have found that.. He is everything I want.. all the things in common..the laughs..the love..yet He is as much into this as I am.. so I get it all..and so can you. 
 
If you can be totally honest with yourself..and ask " Can I be happy if I never experience this again?"  and can answer "yes"..then I say go for it..but if you can't.. I would not set myself or this really nice guy up for any hurt that neither one of you deserve.
 
Good luck with everything...        ~Ticia

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 9:49:24 AM   
TxBadMan


Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssSatin

I know I've seen similar topics on here before but not certain where they are. I have within the past two months began seeing a man I met outside of the lifestyle. At first it was just entertaining watching him be so protective of me and watching himself in case he should accidently offend me by being too forward. LOL.  Then he became more endearing to me with the hand-holding, heartfelt words, flowers movies, picnics and long walks. Now I find myself developing a fondness for him. Outside the lifestyle we have a lot in common and have similar goals and backgrounds. We've even met each other's families. My question and my concern is what if he is as vanilla as he seems? What if my preferred tastes scare the crap out of him? Has anyone else had this dilemma? What did you do? Do you introduce him to your world or do you turn your back on what you are? I don't think I could totally turn my back on all that I have learned, the temptation to come back would be too great. 


Have you told him of your desires?

Tikk and I were together for 5 years; she is in no way submissive or slave. Yet, I put aside what I wanted to be with her, just as she gave in on some areas to be with me. Compromise. It's what relationships are all about.

Try telling him about yourself. You just may be surprised. Or he may be turned off when he finds out. Either way, he needs to know.

_____________________________

Chris



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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 10:03:49 AM   
ta2dqt


Posts: 375
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe start out by saying...............what is the kinkiest thing you have ever done............or wanted to do?.................and go from there?  ;)

you never know.........................he May acctually like that side of you!?!?

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"People are like fine wine, they get better with age!"

"Everything happens for a reason."



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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 10:13:12 AM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		Some people here have both feet squarely in the BDSM world. 

Others have one foot in each, and still more like to dip their toe into the thought of BDSM...

Each of us does best when we look at our own priorities and assess how much our sexuality drives our relationships.  If a vanilla partner has everything else, would you discard them for lack of adequate kink?   If the world's most seductively kinky partner is a vanilla bore, would you stay with them anyway, just for the kink?

I don't see how a "rule of thumb" could be made for something so personal.  If someone thinks up a foolproof formula, I want to know.

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 10:26:03 AM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssSatin

My question and my concern is what if he is as vanilla as he seems? What if my preferred tastes scare the crap out of him? Has anyone else had this dilemma? What did you do?


Easy.  I married him. 

I was honest with him from the get-go, and he took in in stride, and over time, learned to love the lifestyle.  I'll be very honest and say that the level of play we're engaging in now isn't as much as I'd like (I'm pregnant and life's busy), but we're still growing slowly but surely.

quote:

Do you introduce him to your world or do you turn your back on what you are? I don't think I could totally turn my back on all that I have learned, the temptation to come back would be too great. 


You shouldn't have to turn your back on the lifestyle for anyone, just the same as you wouldn't have plastic surgery just to make him happy.  If he truly can't deal with participating in the lifestyle, he needs to be understanding if you choose to get that elsewhere.  It'll take work, but if you two mean that much to each other, you'll get through it somehow.

Feel free to mail me if you'd like to chat about it.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 10:59:17 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		This is why I do not date vanilla anymore. I could easily fall in love with someone not into BDSM, but in the long run I know I would crave this as a part of my life. If I started liking someone vanilla, I would hint about my tastes and then see how they responded, but I would never pursue vanilla again without at least doing that much.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: How have you dealt with a vanilla you like? - 6/19/2006 11:23:02 AM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ta2dqt

Maybe start out by saying...............what is the kinkiest thing you have ever done............or wanted to do?.................and go from there?  ;)

you never know.........................he May acctually like that side of you!?!?


That is a good idea in theory, but in reality I am not sure that would work so well. Most people are just not going to be honest and answer something they think is safe or acceptable. As a person who has gotten that question more than a few times, there is no way, no how I would ever answer that question truthfully to a "regular" person.

I would reccomend starting down the path with more of a subtle direct way. Just ask have you ever been spanked, tied up or some light playful thing. If the person knows that a truthful answer will not freak out the person next to them they are more apt to respond with the truth. Plus, I am not sure with starting out with the bedroom play is the right way to go either. You need to make them comfortable and that requires you to take the lead and not to put the emphasis on them.

There probably is no right way.





_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

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