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RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/19/2013 6:07:19 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

They just see bdsm as some kind of romantic notion.


It's not?

Well...shit.



(Romantics grow everywhere like weeds; a little in every garden.)

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/19/2013 10:17:36 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Shit like this just makes me go blahblahblah.
I'm like Woodstock, listening to Charlie Brown's teacher talking, wawaw, wawaw, wawaw.

This shit ain't rocket science. It doesn't need a manual or a guide. One persons bore is another's wet dream. There are no rules, thus there can't be a right/wrong way.
Which is pretty kewl

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 12:57:16 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

This shit ain't rocket science. It doesn't need a manual or a guide. One persons bore is another's wet dream. There are no rules, thus there can't be a right/wrong way.
Which is pretty kewl

Agreed! And to respond to an earlier post even the Castle Realm folks have a right to their way. Why should anyone else get to decree that they "don't have a clue what they are doing" or that their "romantic notions" are the incorrect approach? It's all good. Whatever works for each of us.
luci

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 1:10:45 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

I was wondering is there anything like this on this website, as to think there are a lot of complete nutters out there and perhaps it would be useful to formulate some kind of guidance for newbies to read before they get their fingers burned or worse. As given the negative press around this stuff, if websites were seen to be informing new people, exactly what is out there, especially on the other side in the personals section, it might be useful to the website and useful to people that use it.


My main issue with this is that these types of articles propagate the myth that doms are predators and subs are delicate potential victims who need to be protected from the big bad world.

I'm all for giving people advice when they ask for it and gently reminding people of basic internet safety, but I'm not keen on having any sort of official 'guides' to help people protect themselves. We're all adults. I prefer to think of myself as a competent adult who is capable of dating without any sort of safety training. If and when I make mistakes, they're my own mistakes. I don't like being cast in the role of victim before I've even got out there. There are some truly evil and dangerous people in the world, but if you go around acting like everyone is out to get you I think it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think more useful than telling new subs that there are 'fakes' and bad people out there is just reminding them to use their head and stick to their own standards.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 1:23:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

This shit ain't rocket science. It doesn't need a manual or a guide. One persons bore is another's wet dream. There are no rules, thus there can't be a right/wrong way.
Which is pretty kewl

Agreed! And to respond to an earlier post even the Castle Realm folks have a right to their way. Why should anyone else get to decree that they "don't have a clue what they are doing" or that their "romantic notions" are the incorrect approach? It's all good. Whatever works for each of us.
luci


I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just the feeling I get. I remember the whole Castle Realm debacle and remembering it all when it first happened, is funny as hell to me. So that's what I go by.

But yeah, whatever works for ya. It's just not my thing.


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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 2:06:44 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I've seen that a thousand times and just makes me go .

It reminds me of castlerealm and says they don't have a single clue what they are doing. They just see bdsm as some kind of romantic notion.


This^^^ well the first line anyway. I don't know too much about castle realm. I have a saying: just do you. Meaning if it works for the couple or throuple or whatever...do it!

< Message edited by TNDommeK -- 1/20/2013 2:09:08 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 4:02:49 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders


My main issue with this is that these types of articles propagate the myth that doms are predators and subs are delicate potential victims who need to be protected from the big bad world.

<snip>


I think more useful than telling new subs that there are 'fakes' and bad people out there is just reminding them to use their head and stick to their own standards.


Those are the two things that struck me when I read that list.


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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 6:52:24 PM   
Level


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Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

6. Don't give authority to an asshat.



Good point. More and more I realise my answers to most questions here boil down to this. So many of the what-ifs are irrelevant if the person in charge has a brain and cares about the person serving.
I suppose I should also have added: 'be the best possible version of yourself' and 'communicate, adapt, repeat'


Great post.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 6:59:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		About the only really useful thing is the first line of step three; know what you want.
All the rest, the belief that everyone out there is evil and needs to prove themselves to you as real is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

If a guy demands I cam to 'prove' I'm a female, then we're already not compatible. I don't want to know anyone who believes the worst of me until proven otherwise. And I have to figure most men feel the same.

As far as the rest goes; if you haven't just woken up from a coma, you should have sufficient people skills not to get into a car with a stranger. If you don't know not to do that, then you shouldn't meet anyone because you'll fuck up their life.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/20/2013 8:27:14 PM   
EsotericLady


Posts: 713
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline 		Are you STILL doing the fake vs real thing?????? OMG
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

I saw this on the other side on a profile saying they had pinched it off another profile and reading it yeah, it makes sense so I have brought it up here for you lot to peruse ;

A guide for Subs


(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 1/21/2013 4:47:49 PM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux

Off Topic, but I want to say I like the new profile pic, Aneirin.


Thank You


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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 3:19:50 PM   
JackDarkster


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/6/2013
From: Northern Europe
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: JackDarkster
This is actually the only part I disagree with, though perhaps this list is more of a warning list than a list of advice. Still, we can't deny the dangers and risks are real. I think it's a good list for a newcomer sub to the scene.

Oh I sure as hell CAN deny they are "real". I'll tell you what I read there. It is FAR, FAR from some sort of reasoned sociological research paper (eg: "real"). Rather, it is a bunch of made up bullshit spackled in monkey feces. Such lists... and the white knights who love to wield them like excalibur of old... are one of the biggest things I need to protect Carol against in terms of the BDSM community. I like it that she thinks like a mature, competent adult now. I don't want people to train her to be a victim. As it sits, Carol would be able to schedule a coffee meeting with some stranger without 4 safe calls and a sniper on the roof.

I think you misunderstood the purpose of the 'article'. As I read it, it wasn't mean to be sociological or based on empirical research. It also wasn't meant to be a training for anyone, but a "Be damned safe when you're new to the scene!" kind of warning. To me the pink font also suggests it was targeted at young female subs more than any other group, and no matter how much you 'can deny they are real' (which they may indeed not be in YOUR company), I happen to know of cases where they were very real (though NOT in my company either, hehe).

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC]And while we're at it... in all of this protection racket stuff... where's the worrying about the poor doms? If this were actually real then it'd be looking at real human behavior. And female subs have been known to do some pretty freaky shit too in the real world. Ask yourself why such lists are always, always targeted at female submissives.

There's no arguing against that. I've actually been there too, but again (as I read it), this article was not targeted at us, it was targeted at inexperienced subs new and about to enter the scene in the form of obscure dating with people they 'met' via a classifieds website, i.e. - Of course, I could be wrong, only the author knows for sure, and perhaps that is one thing that was missing from the article: Clarity as to what type of public they really were addressing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC]The bottom line from my standpoint is that any submissive female who had actually read and not laughed at such a list is pretty much doomed to never meet any guy like me.

That doesn't make sense, Jeff. Any sub entering the BDSM scene can happen upon that article, and it's not possible to say who will be scared away from even trying and who will trust their own common sense, not to mention those who really have a love for this life-/sex-style won't be scared off that easily.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC]For the sake of this discussion I'll define "like me" to mean "honorable", "dominant", and "self-confident". Here's the deal... I kind of expect to meet someone on more or less even footing.

You cannot just expect that everyone you meet will have your good down-to-earth common sense and certainty about themselves. The closest you can get is to do a good job of getting to know them somewhat before you go out and meet them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC]I do not expect to be seen as a predatory abuser from the first moment we hook up.

Those I spoke to, who met a predatory abuser, did also not expect it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC]I do not expect to have to deal with miles of concertina wire and minefields wrapped in concentric circles "protecting" her heart. I'd take one look at that and simply walk away. I want someone who is actually ready to have a relationship. Oh... and if I were looking for a sub I'd be hoping she was sort of "submissive" somewhere in her personality.

Now THIS I can whole heartedly agree with. :)

Ps. My apologies for the late response.

< Message edited by JackDarkster -- 2/13/2013 3:23:53 PM >

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 3:25:47 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

Really? What surveys? And how did they determine who's a "true" Dominant and who's a fake? I mean, really.

Dudes that put that on their profile are real Doms, dontcha know!

eta- this sorta thing reminds me of those disclaimers/warnings people put on their profiles telling Universities etc not to use info in their profile or pics or they will be sued blah, blah, blah.. Nothing like taking something off someone elses profile and slapping it on yours.. yup, gives em lotsa credibility..

< Message edited by tj444 -- 2/13/2013 3:30:53 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 4:08:53 PM   
agent0fchaos


Posts: 34
Joined: 1/31/2013
Status: offline 		I admit, I get a little annoyed by profiles that tell me, as a submissive woman, how to be safe. It smacks of the kind of paternalism I don't even want from a dominant partner. I can take care of myself, and have enough common sense...

But that said, I've been doing this a long time. Even when I was new, though, such lists seemed counter-intuitive. They spend so much time telling you what to look for in a "fake" they can often weed out some very good matches. Not to mention, it's almost always a White Knight type who posts them, which is, in my opinion a strike against him or her.

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RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 8:22:17 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Whatever happened to good old fashioned dating? You know, meeting a guy, having a nice lunch or dinner? Walking around in the park maybe for awhile, maybe a little messing around at the front door. Or meeting at a bar and going home together for a night of fun?

When did it become "BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID!"

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 8:23:21 PM   
Notsweet


Posts: 873
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Whatever happened to good old fashioned dating? You know, meeting a guy, having a nice lunch or dinner? Walking around in the park maybe for awhile, maybe a little messing around at the front door. Or meeting at a bar and going home together for a night of fun?

When did it become "BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID!"


WORD

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 8:30:06 PM   
Notsweet


Posts: 873
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		Is it just me, or do the "warning, warning" authors often seem as though THEY are the predators?

I love when someone tells me how to meet a dom for the first time, or when I'm meeting one who wants to give me the lecture on the first meet. I've been lifestyle since I was 17 (that was before computers, young things) and I've got a few years under my belt. Well....more than a few, but that's not the point! All anyone needs to know is "listen to your gut and use some sense."

Of course, that's assuming that they have any sense. Never mind.

(in reply to MissToYouRedux)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 8:31:42 PM   
hornybottom


Posts: 7
Joined: 6/17/2011
Status: offline 		As long as we're being so blunt, what a dick.
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: JackDarkster
This is actually the only part I disagree with, though perhaps this list is more of a warning list than a list of advice. Still, we can't deny the dangers and risks are real. I think it's a good list for a newcomer sub to the scene.

Oh I sure as hell CAN deny they are "real". I'll tell you what I read there. It is FAR, FAR from some sort of reasoned sociological research paper (eg: "real"). Rather, it is a bunch of made up bullshit spackled in monkey feces. Such lists... and the white knights who love to wield them like excalibur of old... are one of the biggest things I need to protect Carol against in terms of the BDSM community. I like it that she thinks like a mature, competent adult now. I don't want people to train her to be a victim. As it sits, Carol would be able to schedule a coffee meeting with some stranger without 4 safe calls and a sniper on the roof.

And while we're at it... in all of this protection racket stuff... where's the worrying about the poor doms? If this were actually real then it'd be looking at real human behavior. And female subs have been known to do some pretty freaky shit too in the real world. Ask yourself why such lists are always, always targeted at female submissives.

The bottom line from my standpoint is that any submissive female who had actually read and not laughed at such a list is pretty much doomed to never meet any guy like me. For the sake of this discussion I'll define "like me" to mean "honorable", "dominant", and "self-confident". Here's the deal... I kind of expect to meet someone on more or less even footing. I do not expect to be seen as a predatory abuser from the first moment we hook up. I do not expect to have to deal with miles of concertina wire and minefields wrapped in concentric circles "protecting" her heart. I'd take one look at that and simply walk away. I want someone who is actually ready to have a relationship. Oh... and if I were looking for a sub I'd be hoping she was sort of "submissive" somewhere in her personality.


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 8:46:29 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've never seen them as predators themselves.

I see them with white knight syndrome that a lot of men seem to get it seems. They think all women are helpless and need a man to protect them and that all women have no brains whatsoever. She needs a man to escort her everywhere so she doesn't get hurt. And she should never leave the house because someone may look at her the wrong way and she'll burst out in tears and will now have to go to therapy for the rest of their lives. Then the white knight comes a long to save her, to keep her safe. He needs to be there so she won't become broken and catatonic for the rest of her life.

And it's not just in bdsm. I've had this experience with males in vanilla as well.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Saw this on the other side~Interesting ? - 2/13/2013 8:47:59 PM   
Notsweet


Posts: 873
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I've never seen them as predators themselves.

I see them with white knight syndrome that a lot of men seem to get it seems. They think all women are helpless and need a man to protect them and that all women have no brains whatsoever. She needs a man to escort her everywhere so she doesn't get hurt. And she should never leave the house because someone may look at her the wrong way and she'll burst out in tears and will now have to go to therapy for the rest of their lives. Then the white knight comes a long to save her, to keep her safe. He needs to be there so she won't become broken and catatonic for the rest of her life.

And it's not just in bdsm. I've had this experience with males in vanilla as well.


Yes, indeed. All of those things, but the paternalism of someone who doesn't even know me....I always think "creepy."

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 40
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